MCLEAN, VA – After instituting a get-tough policy on drunk drivers at the Quantico Marine Corps base, commanders believed they would be ridding the roads of drunk drivers. Instead, they’ve found themselves in the crosshairs of a federal lawsuit. According to the Marine Corps Times, a federal judge “has now tossed out five DWI cases against Marines after ruling that their constitutional rights were violated.”
Marines onboard Quantico were quite satisfied with the ruling. With beer in hand, Lance Corporal Ethan Thomas was elated.
“It feels pretty good to know that we won’t be charged with double jeopardy if we get caught driving out there,” said Thomas. “Anybody want to go into D.C.? I’ll drive.”
The ruling means Quantico officials have had to change their policy regarding drunk drivers. The original policy meant that Marines could face non-judicial punishment as well as trial in civilian courts. Now, commanders will have to choose.
“Marines are held to a higher standard,” said Judge Advocate Captain Michael Eli, “if they violate the rules, they should face NJP, court martial, civilian trial, hold a sign that says ‘I’m an asshole’, and be put on working party.”
But attorneys defending the Marines in the case said it makes no sense to single out Marines for multiple punishments that civilians would never face. The federal judge agreed.
Duty NCO Sergeant Elliott Rodriguez said this could mean trouble. “I’m not getting any freaking sleep tonight, that’s for sure. I’ll have the MP’s calling every 5 minutes, saying ‘Hey, we got another one.’”
When asked about driving after drinking a few beers, Lance Corporal Thomas answered, “It’s ok bro. I was just kidding. We’re going to take a bus.”
At the time of this story, MCB Quantico had 38 DWI’s at the front gate. Lance Corporal Thomas happened to be one of them. He was caught with a stolen government bus, filled with 12 Marines, 26 strippers, 158 beers, “more condoms than could be counted”, and a horrid stench of vomit.
There’s no word yet on whether he will receive civilian trial, NJP, or wear a sign that says “I’m an asshole”.
Ryan, Oklahoma - Famed actor and martial artist Chuck Norris announced his intention to enlist in the U.S. Army yesterday. Among a large gathering of family and friends, the 72 year-old Walker, Texas Ranger star said he believed his enlistment would be a “game changer for the military in Afghanistan.”
He’s already served in the Air Force, from 1958-1962. Now he’s decided to take on another challenge and serve the country yet again.
“I really feel like this is a calling,” said Norris, “and it’s time for me to serve again. The war in Afghanistan has been dragging on. I need to go roundhouse kick some Taliban, punch some bad guys in the nuts, and wrap this thing up.”
After making his decision, Norris made his way down to his local recruiting office where he was greeted by recruiter SGT Adam Wentworth.
“I was really starstruck to be honest,” said Wentworth. “I couldn’t believe I was standing here looking at Chuck Norris, but at the same time, I was afraid that if I said something he didn’t like, he would punch me in the gut.”
As it turns out, Wentworth wasn’t the only one intimidated by Norris. Due to his celebrity status, other high profile military commanders insisted on meeting with him. The current Chairman of the Joint Chiefs, General Martin Dempsey, was one of them.
“I’ve been mortared. I’ve been shot at, but hell, Chuck Norris is fucking scary,” said General Dempsey. “Yeah we have age requirements, but I’m not about to tell Chuck that and get roundhouse kicked to the face.”
Even the President has gotten involved. Since there is widespread fear of Norris — among the military as well as the enemy Taliban — President Obama has decided to promote Norris immediately.
“Chuck’s a hell of a great American,” said Obama, “and Martin [Dempsey] has done a wonderful job, but I think we need to do another surge.”
Obama, reflecting on the 2007 Iraq surge from President Bush, and his own mini-surge in Afghanistan, is confident in his “Chuck Norris-Surge.” This includes immediate promotion to 4-Star General and being named Chairman of the Joint Chiefs.
“Chuck will be an outstanding General. His foot has more confirmed kills than all of the U.S. military combined, so I know he will be able to win this war for us.”
Norris is set to deploy to Afghanistan in a matter of days. When asked whether he would be required to do pre-deployment training, Army Public Affairs insisted we “shut the hell up.”
CPT Andrew Miller summed it up well: “General Norris does whatever the hell he wants. He doesn’t wear camouflage, he wears Wranglers. He doesn’t carry around the standard M9 pistol, he carries around a six-shooter. He doesn’t take very well to being corrected.”
At approximately 5:45 pm, an unidentified piece of mechanical equipment exploded in the boat’s engine room. The force of the blast blew a hole into the hull. The boat immediately turned onto its side and would have likely overturned had it not hit the sea floor.
“It was awful,” said Randy Myers, who witnessed the explosion while at the beach with his children. “Out of the corner of my eye I saw a big flash, and then a second later heard the boom. The boat went down right away, man. Then I saw the lifeguard tear ass down the beach into the water and run out to the boat.”
Myers was at the beach playing volleyball with his daughters, Kendra, 12, and Monique, 14.
“When we realized that people might need help, me and the girls waded out to the wreck. But by the time we got out there, everyone on the boat was already walking back to shore, so me and the girls just kind of encouraged everyone, you know, telling them they didn’t have far to walk. Luckily, with this heat wave, the water temperature was pretty comfortable.”
Coast Guard spokesperson Jenna Wrigley said that all crew members were dried off immediately and are recovering at home with their families or at Shooter’s Bar and Grill for dollar draft night.
Witnesses say the boat captain, Cmdr. Jonathan Crowley, initially attempted to go down with the vessel. After he realized that the boat had sunk as far as it could go and he still remained dry, he jumped into the water and joined his crew in the long walk to shore.
The boat remains on its side off of Clearwater Beach. Coast Guard rescue personnel are waiting for the tide to go out. When it does, a handful of the command’s strongest personnel will walk out to the boat and carry it back to shore.
This is the worst Coast Guard tragedy since February of 2007, when 23 personnel at Coast Guard Air Station Houston contracted food poisoning from undercooked hamburgers at a barbecue fundraiser.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Army interrogators in Afghanistan have used “PowerPointing” 784 times on thirteen Taliban prisoners, according to the US Army’s Criminal Investigation Command.
In a report titled “For the Greater Good”, PowerPointing is defined as “forcing a subject to view a series of PowerPoint slideshow presentations to the point of exhaustion, thereby making it possible to gain answers or information from the subject.” According to the report, interrogators used the technique to deal with uncooperative or belligerent prisoners.
“PowerPointing is torture, plain and simple,” said lead investigator Hugh Johnson. “Even though we’re dealing with people who are often terrorists plotting against the United States and our allies, we can’t stoop to their level.”
Johnson said Army interrogators collected PowerPoint presentations from their unit’s training officers. Presentation topics included fraternization, sexual harassment, and motorcycle safety.
Not everyone agrees with the criticism. Colonel Jackson Hayes, former commander of the 5th Signal Command, one of the organizations under investigation, said, “PowerPointing is very, very effective. It gets results better than any other technique we use. By the sixth or seventh hour, the subject is catatonic and completely cooperative.”
Johnson said the technique’s effectiveness does not condone its use. “We have to behave better than our enemies. As a civilized society, we cannot match their level of cruelty.”
Tampa, FL – The Duffel Blog was recently nominated for the highly prestigious Pulitzer Prize. The award, out of the memory of renowned journalist Joseph Pulitzer, is set to be announced sometime later this year to multiple news outlets. The Duffel Blog is proud to be in the running as one of them.
The nomination comes despite the best efforts of many notable detractors — including Stars & Stripes, Military Times, and every military public affairs officer on the planet.
“This is bullshit, pure and simple,” said Army PAO Capt. Jeffrey Stamp, “to even nominate this hunk of crap known as The Duffel Blog is a real travesty.”
The numerous authors of TDB were extremely excited by the announcement. One author, who only goes by Ron, shared his view.
“This validates my article contributions completely. I was the first to report on the Coast Guard Cutter sinking off the coast of Florida recently. This will really motivate me to go for the even better stories.”
“Yeah it’s a real honor,” said another author, Paul, “and we’re coming straight up the ass of the competition. You hear us Stars and Stripes? You guys are on our list!”
Numerous high-level military officials have also expressed their dismay at the nomination. After reporting on such military atrocities as the Air Force Colonel who banned chairs and the extreme cases of Powerpoint Torture inflicted on detainees, TDB has come under scrutiny.
“Here we have a case of the damn liberal media once again screwing things up for our war effort,” said Marine Colonel James Richardson, “Why can’t these assholes report on the good stuff that’s happening?”
Lance Corporal James Vanhue, of 1st Battalion, 3rd Marines, described as a “warrior drinker” by his platoon, went on a drunken bender that started on Friday night.
His latest vendetta, against the tiny island nation, began in his barracks room. As he drank what he called “a ridiculous amount of beer” and watched the 2001 film “Pearl Harbor”, he became enraged.
“I can’t believe Danny died,” as he took another swig of Budweiser and sobbed. “These damn Japs [sic] need to pay!”
His roommate, Lance Corporal Jason Evers, tried to calm him with a history lesson.
“Dude. It happened like, 60 something years ago. We already whooped their ass.”
Unfortunately Vanhue would not listen. As the credits came across the screen, the Lance Corporal went to his wall locker.
“I’ve got to pack my gear,” he said, as he shoved throwing stars, an entrenching tool, and extra socks in his ruck sack. After packing, he donned his helmet and flak jacket and headed to the armory. But amazingly, even in his drunken stupor, he didn’t forget his eye-pro.
Now on his 18th beer in less than an hour, Vanhue was thought to be delirious. Since it was almost midnight, the armory was closed down and locked, but it didn’t deter the drunken Marine.
“I’ve gotta get my M4 and then it’s payback time, son.”
Although Vanhue tried his best to break into the armory, the MP’s showed up minutes later, and placed him under arrest.
“It’s always something new on this job,” said military policeman Sergeant Ian Wright, “whether it’s a drunk naked grunt jumping into the creek, paintball wars in barracks rooms, or Marines trying to fight 60 year old wars.”
Ironically, Lance Corporal Vanhue is currently being held at the Brig at Pearl Harbor Naval Base.
CAMP BUEHRING, KUWAIT – 2nd Lt. John R. Boyd didn’t expect to receive such a fulfilling mission straight out of the Officer’s Basic Course. Luckily for him, his unit was deployed two months after his graduation to Kuwait in support of Operation Enduring Freedom.
When asked about his thoughts on his first deployment, the young Lieutenant focused on the safety of his troops in what he described as a “high threat environment.” He further elaborated his leadership style:
“You know, as a Second Lieutenant straight out of the OBC, I didn’t expect much but now that I’m here I’m glad to be leading these troops. I stress safety at every turn. My guys have been wearing their eye protection for the last eight months every day. They told me at the OBC that I would most likely lose a soldier on my first deployment but I’m happy to say that hasn’t happened and will not happen with me in charge. We’ve had zero scratched corneas while deployed and I’d like to think that it’s my hard stance on safety that’s gotten us here.”
When asked about his new Platoon Leader, 22-year Sergeant First Class Franklin G. Wright was nothing but praiseful.
“After going to Desert Storm as a young soldier and then doing two tours in Iraq and one in Afghanistan I wasn’t really sure how everything would turn out on our deployment to Kuwait. Luckily, we’ve got one hell of a Platoon Leader in Lieutenant Boyd. Without him who knows how many soldiers would have been struck by vehicles while conducting PT if the LT hadn’t stepped in to enforce the reflective belt policy of CENTCOM. I really dodged a bullet on this one.”
He continued, “After all my years in the Army it’s nice to have a young LT step up and call all the shots so I can just sit back and wait for retirement.”
Specialist Harry L. Murphy, a rifleman in Boyd’s platoon, told the Duffel Blog he wouldn’t want to serve under any other officer in his company.
“I volunteered for this deployment because I thought the unit was going to Afghanistan. I didn’t know what to expect upon arriving in Kuwait, but luckily I’ve got one squared away LT. He really looks out for us. One time at the range I was wearing my gloves because he was strictly enforcing the PPE posture, and I accidentally touched the hot barrel of a M249 SAW. Without LT harping on safety all the time, I might have burned my hand. He’s going to go far in the Army.”
Despite his success in such a dangerous environment as Kuwait, Boyd is taking all the positive praise in stride.
“I haven’t really let it change me as a person you know. Everywhere I go on Camp Buehring I have higher ranking officers wanting to tell me how great of a job I’m doing keeping my troops safe. I’ve also noticed the lower enlisted whispering and pointing at me whenever I walk by.”
“Because I’m wearing my ear-pro most of the day, I’m not sure what they tell each other, but my guess is they’re saying, ‘There goes that LT that makes his guys wear eye-pro everywhere. Man, he’s a winner.’”
Helmand, Afghanistan – A camera operator working for the Taliban’s Information Warfare Ministry was killed today in southern Afghanistan. A Taliban spokesman claimed that the camera operator, Mohammed Abad, disgraced Allah during a recent filming of a martyrdom operation.
In the Taliban video, which was obtained by TDB, it shows a lone man, donning a suicide vest, and attempting to blow up a crowded marketplace. As the man draws near to the Helmand market, you can see the crowd begin to move away and eventually run. A witness at the scene, Abu Salim, tells us why.
“The guy smelled like crap,” Salim says in his native tongue while holding his nose, “it was like he burned dog poop and rolled around in it. It was that bad.”
The video continues, and you can hear camera operator Mohammed Abad start to curse and get frustrated.
“What the hell? Where are they all going?” he shouts, “I told that idiot to shower.”
In most Taliban propaganda videos, it has become the standard procedure of the camera operator to follow the suicide bomber with a shaky camera, praise Allah repeatedly, and edit in extremely cheesy graphics like missiles flying into a map of Israel, for example. In this video, however, it becomes clear that Abad takes a different path.
“He actually was very steady with his camera work, which is really not what we do,” said Taliban Spokesman Omar Abdullah, “and then he starts talking crap about the martyr. So the martyr, Achmed Aziz, peace be upon him, smelled and didn’t actually get to blow anyone up but himself. That doesn’t mean you need to talk shit about the poor guy.”
After the suicide bomber detonated his explosive vest, the video shows a cloud of smoke around the area. No one was killed or injured, and this makes the Taliban camera operator extremely angry.
“What a stupid idiot,” Abad remarks about his partner. After the explosion, when traditionally it is customary to hear, “Allah Akbar”, meaning “God is great”, we instead hear something very different from Abad.
“Achmed you smelly moron. Obviously Allah forgot to cover up your stench.”
Abad later returned his video to Taliban commanders, forgetting his remarks were captured on film. Minutes after they watched the video, they determined that he must be beheaded.
“Allah Akbar. That’s all he had to say,” said Omar Abdullah, “but he wants to talk smack. We can’t have that around here. It’s bad for our image.”
VICENZA, ITALY - Army Platoon Leader Second Lt. Michael Bailey was recently awarded an Army Commendation Medal, with enthusiastic approval from his commanders. The new Lieutenant, recently graduated from West Point, arrived this month in Italy and was assigned to 3rd Platoon, Battle Company, 173rd (Airborne).
“Having a new platoon leader in, especially from West Point, is like having that annoying little cousin over your house,” said Sergeant First Class Anthony Mileo, Bailey’s platoon sergeant. ”They ask a bunch of questions, have no idea what the hell they are doing, and generally couldn’t find their way out of a paper bag.”
The commander of Battle Company, Capt. Randall Lewis, agreed.
“When you are a butter bar, not too much is expected of you, other than that you can’t land nav[igate] to save your life.”
But Bailey was ready for the challenge. Soon after his platoon introduction, he participated in a company-wide training exercise in the Italian countryside. With only a compass and a map to guide him, the Lieutenant was able to lead his platoon from the assembly area through the final objective — an incredible distance of over 5 kilometers — without getting lost once.
“I seriously couldn’t believe it during the first few klicks,” said Specialist James Owens, a machine-gunner. ”And then I realized that this wasn’t your average butter bar. He must have actually paid attention during his land nav training.”
For this historic feat — in which he was the first new platoon leader to ever successfully navigate a platoon on the first try — Bailey was awarded an Army Commendation Medal.
“It feels really good to be recognized,” said Bailey, “and there were times when I wasn’t sure whether I was looking at a contour line, a road, or a river, but that’s when adrenaline and my training really kicked in.”
San Onofre, CA – The Marine Corps Scout/Sniper community has taken a massive amount of criticism over some recent high profile incidents in Afghanistan. In January, a video surfaced on YouTube showing members of a sniper platoon urinating on the bodies of dead Taliban fighters. Then a platoon photo was obtained which showed another group of snipers, holding a flag bearing a resemblance to the Nazi SS symbol. The media picked up both stories and hammered at the snipers, even as the Pentagon launched investigations and forced military members through mandatory urination remediation training.
At one brief, held at Camp Pendleton, a civilian facilitator took the Marines through a Powerpoint presentation that showed different scenarios. Instructor James Nelson put together images in his slides and asked for audience participation.
“Ok, now what is this one?” asks Nelson as he points his laser pointer at a porcelain toilet.
“A toilet,” the Marines respond in unison. He clicks to the next slide. “And what is this one?”
“Dead Taliban,” say the Marines.
“And which one can we piss on?” Nelson asks.
“The toilet,” the Marines once again respond. “Well close… make sure you piss in it, not on it! Outstanding job, gents.”
Nelson then went on to show different Nazi symbols and asked repeatedly, “Are we allowed to take photos with this one?”
Despite the highly intensive training the Marines received, the media has now picked up on the latest atrocity: Sniper training.
“They shoot people in the face,” says syndicated columnist Roger Milburn, “it’s absolutely horrendous. I can’t believe they actually kill people. It’s inhumane.”
A variety of sources have confirmed that snipers kill people, including CNN, The New York Times, and the Washington Post. In the Post story, reporter Jonathon Mosgrove follows Marine snipers through their training at Camp Pendleton.
“Yeah, I couldn’t believe it myself,” said Mosgrove, “I was actually right there when they were learning how to sight in their high-powered rifles and shoot targets hundreds of yards away. I didn’t understand it at the time, but those targets are supposed to be placeholders for people.”
Despite the scandal, the Pentagon has adamantly refused to launch an investigation.
San Francisco, CA – Anti-war veterans group Iraq Veterans Against The War announced today that they would be changing their name. In a combined protest and press conference, IVAW leaders stressed the importance of the name change and how it will help further their goals.
IVAW Spokesman Roger Miller, an Army veteran, believes that the name change will mark a new era for the organization.
“When this first started, we wanted to stop the Iraq war. Now that it’s basically over, we either needed to change our name or get actual jobs.”
In a dramatic unveiling on San Francisco’s Market Street, IVAW members unveiled a new banner and showed off their new look. Their new name, “War Veterans (and/or Non-Veterans) Against All Wars, Wall Street, Big Banks, Globalization, Corporations, The 1%, and for the Furthering of Socialist Objectives”, took up an an entire 20 foot length of banner.
Although the name is much longer, and doesn’t have quite the same ring as IVAW, many members are thrilled with the new move.
“By changing our name, we are now able focus on even more objectives,” said former sailor George Herman, “and really establish our group as the premier protesting group in the country. We’re not stuck with just protesting a war — we can basically protest everything.”
Others were also excited about the change for a different reason — that they weren’t stuck with the “Veterans” moniker.
“There’s been this stigma, that if you haven’t been to Iraq, or you weren’t a veteran, you can’t be a part of the group,” said Jocelyn Mercer, who joined the group after college in 2004. “and yeah, I’m not either. But now, with the new name, we don’t have jerks out there calling us hypocrites.”
“Yeah, we’re talking to you Jonn Lilyea!” exclaimed Herman, referencing a popular military blogger, “Eat it you war-monger!”
There were also some detractors. One is Alan Everett, a former Marine and founding member of IVAW.
“Don’t get me wrong. I think this is great, but we probably missed a couple of things. We forgot to include being against Republicans, people from Kentucky, Monsanto, and Rush Limbaugh.”
Washington, D.C. – Today in a joint statement at the Pentagon, the U.S. Army and Greenpeace announced a unique partnership which they say is mutually beneficial. The announcement to replace the aging fleet of High Mobility Multipurpose Wheeled Vehicles (HMMWV) came as no surprise. The choice of vehicle to replace them, however — made quite a splash.
“We have decided that we can fight our nation’s wars in a cleaner — and more environmentally friendly way,” said Colonel Robert Ingraham, “and what better way to do it than with the Toyota Prius.”
The Prius, a fully hybrid electric car from Japanese automaker Toyota, can get over 50 miles per gallon. It also has a perk which makes it a highly tactical vehicle without modification, says Ingraham.
“It’s extremely quiet. You could drive this car right up the ass of al Qaeda and they wouldn’t even hear you until you it was all over.”
The vehicle has passed its first set of tests at the Aberdeen Proving Grounds and is now in limited use in Afghanistan. The reaction from troops in the field has been somewhat timid.
“What the hell kind of garbage is this? Is this a joke?” asked Specialist Michael Jones. “A f–king Prius?”
Another soldier, Sergeant First Class James Jensen, offered a different view.
“Yeah — it’s a little weird. But I sort of see it as a positive thing. The Taliban hasn’t shot at us once since we’ve been driving around in these things. I think they kind of feel sorry for us.”
And Greenpeace couldn’t be more thrilled, noted spokesman Dan Watson.
“This is just a small step to a cleaner environment. If the Army doesn’t mind doing things a little slower and in a really ugly car,” he says, “then we have a good chance of swaying the rest of the public to adopt greener ways.”
“Green is our color,” said Colonel Ingraham, “and so our tactical vehicles should reflect that.”
OCEANSIDE, CA - Defense Secretary Leon Panetta said Thursday night that the Marine Corps would be “deeply affected” by the coming cuts in the defense budget. Speaking to a battalion of Marines at Camp Pendleton, Panetta spoke plainly about the need for what he called a “leaner, more efficient Marine Corps.”
While politicians in Washington scramble to find ways to cover a massive federal deficit, many have resorted to attacks on the defense budget. In preparation for what seems inevitable, many division and battalion commanders have already pushed down preliminary guidelines.
“This ain’t my first rodeo,” says Brigadier General Ronald Amos, “I was around during the [President] Carter era, when money was extremely tight. That guy was a serious tightwad.”
As the Base Commander of Camp Lejeune, Amos has already clamped down on some of what he’s called “money pits.” In his last Command & Staff meeting, he laid out guidelines for the coming months. Some things, he said, “we simply cannot afford.”
Among events and perks on the chopping block:
- Live fire events. Ammo, including blanks, will no longer be allowed. Marines are to aim in, scream “Butter Butter Jam”, and then exclaim “I killed you!” when they believe their shot would have probably hit the enemy.
- Barracks. Marines will have 30 days to vacate their barracks, and are now required to sleep outside the barracks with their sleeping bag and isomat. Amos believes he can “make a few bucks” renting out the barracks to civilians.
- M4/M16 Rifles. While Marines will still be allowed a limited number of M9 service pistols, their coveted rifles are heading to auction. “Marines are warfighters. Why the hell do you need a rifle,” he said, “when you’ve got knife hands?”
Secretary Panetta has warned that the federal budget cannot be balanced “on the back of defense alone,” but he added, “we can always give the Marine Corps the green weenie. They’re pretty much used to it by now.”
CORONADO, CA — In a memo that is sure to send shockwaves through the SEAL community, Naval Special Warfare Command released details on a new move to be taught to all future operators. The memo, obtained today, outlined an interesting maneuver dubbed “The Navy SEAL Slide.”
The slide, which was seen in the new film “Act of Valor” will now be taught immediately after “Hell Week” at BUD/S.
The author of the memo, Adm. Bill Jennings, believes the new slide will give the SEALs another competitive edge.
“I of course saw the movie, and I loved it,” he said, “but when I saw that SEAL run, slide with flailing arms, and then recover and shoot a terrorist, I knew this needed to be in the SOP.”
The memo instructs all SEAL instructors to begin learning the move so that it can be implemented in the next BUD/S class, beginning later this month. The first step in the move is for the SEAL to run at full speed. He is then instructed to drop to both knees, flail his arms and weapon in the air and slide uncontrollably, and then take a single knee and aim in at his target.
“The trainees will be tested on how fast they can execute the slide,” says Navy SEAL instructor Chief Joseph Grissom, “and if they cannot get it done in under 2 seconds, it’s sugar cookie time.”
Jennings believes that this is exactly what the SEAL community is looking for.
“We’ve been around for a while, and the enemy has started to figure out our tactics. They know we’re going to do the rising out of the water with rifle up thing,” as he motions through the movement, “and they got us with the upside down rappelling and snapping necks thing, so this slide is just the next logical step in fooling the bad guys.”
TAMPA, FL – The Commander of the 6th Air Mobility Wing at MacDill Air Force Base announced today that he would no longer allow chairs to be used by his airmen. In his weekly command-wide email, Col. Lenny Richoux stressed the importance of good posture, physical fitness, and “standing tall.”
“We must remember that chairs are detrimental to good posture, mobility, and discipline,” he wrote, “so effective immediately, all chairs are to be removed from offices.”
The Command Chief Master Sergeant, Derrick Crowley, wasn’t buying it.
“This isn’t about posture. The Colonel’s just plain sick and tired of this ‘Chair Force’ moniker. Being around all these CENTCOM doorkickers all day long means we have to put up with all their crap.”
Richoux denied that this had anything to do with the “unofficial Air Force nickname.”
“Our Airmen, whether they are flying jets, piloting UAV’s, or gathering intelligence, are always sitting down. This stuff has got to be bad for their back.”
Some airmen at the command were angered.
“How the hell am I supposed to work under these conditions?” said Senior Airman Gregory Jones. “So we use chairs. Big deal. It doesn’t mean we all should be at standing desks like a bunch of idiot hippies.”
Many chairs on the base have already been removed in order to meet the deadline of March 9.
Richoux closed his email with a sharp warning.
“Anyone caught sitting down will be court martialed. Don’t be the one.”