Camp Arifjan, Kuwait – Secretary of Defense Leon Panetta recently paid a visit to Kuwait to view the large stock of Mine Resistance Ambush Protected (MRAP) vehicles leftover from the drawdown in Iraq. The Department of Defense purchased over 200,000 MRAPs in response to the threat of roadside bombs during Operation Iraqi Freedom and Operation New Dawn. While they significantly reduced the amount of deaths and injuries sustained by service members, the MRAPs now pose a new problem – what the hell is the DoD going to do with them?
Secretary Panetta sought to answer this question as best he could while visiting 3rd Army Headquarters at Camp Arifjan.
“You see, the MRAPs were great for Iraq. But, they’re too top heavy for Afghanistan. That’s why we fielded the MATV there. It’s a great mixture of mobility and armor against IEDs. The problem is, now we have, like 200,000 of these fucking things, and I really don’t know what the fuck to do with them. Seriously, they’re goddamn useless now.”
He continued, “It’s not like we can give them to the National Guard like we did all the old M998 Humvee’s when we fielded the armored M1151 Humvees. These stupid things literally have no place outside of the battlefield in Iraq. I came here today to announce to the troops stationed in Kuwait that you will have the honor of continuing missions into Iraq simply because we don’t know what else to do with these fucking things. Someone’s got to put them to use.”
COL Scott Efflandt, the commander of 1st Brigade, 1st Calvary Division, took the news in stride when announcing it to his men.
“I realize that we left Iraq in December thinking the mission was complete. I know that I announced prematurely on Facebook that Ironhorse Brigade would be home by the end of January. While we here at 1st Brigade have been sucking it for the last 7 months — we’ve got to suck it a little bit more. The nation needs us to use these stupid piece of shit MRAPs, and the only place to use them is Iraq. Take heart men, as not many will get the honor of re-invading Iraq simply to have something to do.”
Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf, Iraqi Minister of Information, released a prepared statement on behalf of the Government of Iraq to address the situation.
“We are very excited that the Americans are coming back. We look forward to the continued monetary and military — but mainly monetary support that the U.S. government provides.”