KABUL, AFGHANISTAN – Taliban leadership announced today that they were pulling out of joint peace talks with the United States and Britain. Speaking by satellite telephone, Deputy Minister of Foreign Affiars Abdul Rahman Zahed spoke about the cultural divide that brought on the latest stalemate.
“We come together to discuss peace, and so we drink tea to start our meeting,” said Zahed. “We bring finest tea from Waziristan, so fine that Allah would come down and bless the pot.”
At the meeting, leaders from all sides came to the table to try to work out agreements on ending the long war in Afghanistan. In a gesture of peace before the meet, the Taliban agreed to not blow up any crowded markets — quite incredibly — for an entire week.
“We were definitely happy that they wouldn’t be blowing people up,” said U.S. Ambassador Paul Hugo, “but those bastards never asked us for anything in return, so we lit them up prior to the meeting.”
“Yeah, we basically caught the muj[ahadeen] with their pants down,” said Air Force General Ralph Felsker, “so while they stopped attacking and sat back in their camps, we decided they could play catch with our drone missiles.”
Despite what the Taliban viewed as infidel treachery, they still agreed to the peace summit in Kabul.
“We are not Hindu, so we do not believe in karma,” said Abdul Zahed, “but still, it really is a bitch.”
The meeting began with pleasantries, handshakes, friendly greetings — and the traditional icebreaker — a cup of tea.
Excited to enjoy his fourteenth cup of tea that day, British Ambassador Nigel Ingraham poured first. As he took his first sip, it was clear however, that this was not the taste of home he expected. He then literally spit it out all over the Taliban side of the table.
“It was bollocks, absolutely,” Ingraham said after the meeting. “We [Great Britain] went to war over tea before, and we’ll do it again. Someone really needs to stop this horrible stuff from being brewed.”
With tea streaming from their long, grey beards, the Taliban leadership was stunned and outraged. Speaking in a a furious mixture of Pashto, Arabic, and we think we may have even heard a little bit of Spanish, translators struggled to keep up. They did, however, understand terms that were repeated many times, including “infidel” and “ugly dogs.”
“How dare they disrespect our tea!” said Mohammed Raheim, “You can shoot us. You can bomb us. You can slap us across the face. Waterboard us. But you do not, DO NOT, talk shit about our tea.”
He also added, “or look at our women. Those are our two bugaboos.”
The Pentagon has already pushed out a military-wide message to troops in theater, instructing them to “compliment all tea given to troops, even if it’s awful; and to cancel the printing of the ‘Afghanistan Girls’ Feet Gone Wild Calendar'”
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