LONDON, UK – Camouflage and cargo pants have been the standard for armies throughout the world for years — including the United Kingdom. But that’s all going to change soon, according to Brian Epswitch of Xegis Combat Solutions, who determined that kilts need to make a comeback.
The surprising news comes following an extensive study into improved combat uniforms. Xegis conducted field trials of five new uniform prototypes with units throughout Afghanistan. Most of the changes aimed at improving the fabric or fit of the uniform, with the notable exception of one group that was given kilts.
“We had very positive feedback from the soldiers. Everyone loved the kilt and found it a great boost to their personal comfort and morale,” says Epswitch. “Overall, it was reported to have much better ventilation, mobility, urination qualities, and was greatly preferred over pants.”
One soldier loved the fact that he had what he called a “mobile bathroom.”
“When you’re out on patrol, you don’t always have time to stop, pull out your wanker, and handle your business,” said Sergeant Ian O’Neill, “and what’s great is — if the Taliban attack, if you were to piss yourself, no one would ever know.”
Another Army Corporal, who preferred not to be named, was excited about the change.
“You know, it seemed rather silly at first. Once you get used to it though, it is fantastic. All those fairies calling it a skirt can go shove it up their ass. It’s a brilliant idea. I hope I don’t have to wear another pair of fucking pants again in my life. ”
Clothing comfort aside, some unexpected benefits to kilt wearing were outlined in a supplemental report published by the Performance Review Committee.
“It was found upon analysis of our data that the kilted soldiers performed consistently better over the course of the tour. They took less casualties, captured more Taliban, confiscated more weapons, found more IEDs and were typically more ‘Bad-Ass’ when compared with their pants-wearing counterparts.”
Major General Dempsy, a proponent of the kilt, released a statement following the announcement. “This comes as no surprise to me that kilt wearing makes for more effective soldiers. It worked just fine for the army in the past and I see no reason why we should have switched to pants. After learning about the life-saving qualities of the beard, it should come as no surprise that another throwback to ancient warfare has modern applications. Thanks to this research we have now definitively proven that the kilt belongs in the 21st century.”
His comments were echoed by Colonel Douglas of the Infantry Battle School.
“Make no mistake gentlemen. Kilted Soldiers are better soldiers. And better soldiers win wars.”