Kilts Make Comeback For The British Army Pte Bloggins May 4, 2012 Army 12 Comments Follow Duffel Blog: LONDON, UK – Camouflage and cargo pants have been the standard for armies throughout the world for years — including the United Kingdom. But that’s all going to change soon, according to Brian Epswitch of Xegis Combat Solutions, who determined that kilts need to make a comeback. The surprising news comes following an extensive study into improved combat uniforms. Xegis conducted field trials of five new uniform prototypes with units throughout Afghanistan. Most of the changes aimed at improving the fabric or fit of the uniform, with the notable exception of one group that was given kilts. “We had very positive feedback from the soldiers. Everyone loved the kilt and found it a great boost to their personal comfort and morale,” says Epswitch. “Overall, it was reported to have much better ventilation, mobility, urination qualities, and was greatly preferred over pants.” One soldier loved the fact that he had what he called a “mobile bathroom.” “When you’re out on patrol, you don’t always have time to stop, pull out your wanker, and handle your business,” said Sergeant Ian O’Neill, “and what’s great is — if the Taliban attack, if you were to piss yourself, no one would ever know.” Another Army Corporal, who preferred not to be named, was excited about the change. “You know, it seemed rather silly at first. Once you get used to it though, it is fantastic. All those fairies calling it a skirt can go shove it up their ass. It’s a brilliant idea. I hope I don’t have to wear another pair of fucking pants again in my life. ” Clothing comfort aside, some unexpected benefits to kilt wearing were outlined in a supplemental report published by the Performance Review Committee. “It was found upon analysis of our data that the kilted soldiers performed consistently better over the course of the tour. They took less casualties, captured more Taliban, confiscated more weapons, found more IEDs and were typically more ‘Bad-Ass’ when compared with their pants-wearing counterparts.” Major General Dempsy, a proponent of the kilt, released a statement following the announcement. “This comes as no surprise to me that kilt wearing makes for more effective soldiers. It worked just fine for the army in the past and I see no reason why we should have switched to pants. After learning about the life-saving qualities of the beard, it should come as no surprise that another throwback to ancient warfare has modern applications. Thanks to this research we have now definitively proven that the kilt belongs in the 21st century.” His comments were echoed by Colonel Douglas of the Infantry Battle School. “Make no mistake gentlemen. Kilted Soldiers are better soldiers. And better soldiers win wars.” Don't miss the next story.Get the latest news and alerts from Duffel Blog delivered to your inbox—free. Short URL: http://duffelblog.com/B8lMG Robert John MacDonald says: September 11, 2014 at 5:44 PM I don’t care if this was written as satire – they’re right! Kilts are superior outdoor and ‘field’ wear – just so long as you don’t encounter CN, CS or other blister agents… We (a group of veterans of the Seaforth, Cameron Highlanders and Black Watch) formed a long-distance cross-country running club. We go hill-running and do the occasional marathon – in kilts. Chris Watson says: January 3, 2014 at 3:09 AM Damned straight! If this was only a *real* story! : Barent Parslow says: January 3, 2014 at 3:09 AM The ladies from hell… Andrew Steimer says: January 3, 2014 at 3:09 AM beard=badass, kilt+beard>bad-ass Troy R. Stull says: January 3, 2014 at 3:09 AM Combat Kilts for all! Women love a paratrooper in a kilt, they always know what they’re getting before it gets there! Thomas Benson says: January 3, 2014 at 3:09 AM Ya got me! (face-palm!) Bazooka Joe says: January 3, 2014 at 3:09 AM Ahhh, so the Brits are finally going IRISH? Yeah – that’s a direct slap to good ol’ Chad below – now on to more important things like when will Obama start wearing his SKIRTS in public? Anonymous says: January 3, 2014 at 3:09 AM Great idea. Cramping in the crotch area has always been a problem in the field. I think the next thing that needs to take place is designing a light weight portable kilt field chair. An example is in the included link. Its at the bottom of the page. http://www.martinfrost.ws/htmlfiles/sept2008/bum-tache-scot.html Andrew Taylor Carr says: January 3, 2014 at 3:09 AM I don’t mean to spoil it for you, but: Wanker doesn’t mean penis. It’s an insult, similar in offense to dickhead, that basically yranslates as “someone who masturbates”… tosser means the same too. Matt Holzmann says: January 3, 2014 at 3:09 AM they may take our lives, but they’ll never take… OUR KILTS!, laddie! dwadafam says: October 17, 2012 at 9:12 AM Let them have beards too and they’ll be the ultimate fighting men, and can totally take over operations in the sand box. Willem says: September 2, 2012 at 3:04 PM Fantastic! Kilted sailors also make better sailors and fighting men. The military has always prefered function and practicality over style, but kilts just look better than pants anyway.