Due to the controversy surrounding the events of the USS Haditha and the ship’s sinking of a Chinese fishing vessel (and subsequent machine-gunning of survivors), Captain Erik King has been temporarily reassigned to Arlington National Cemetery.
COLUMBUS, OH - Leaders of the Unity Church of God were recently surprised after one of the many care packages they have sent to anonymous service members overseas was returned with all of its original contents — but had an additional note inside from the soldier who had received it.
The note read: “Thank you for the kind gesture. Unfortunately, I have no need for any of this stuff. Please send porn and beer.”
It was signed as ‘Every American Soldier Ever’.
After extensive investigation, the anonymous soldier was tracked down and identified as Specialist Christopher Applewood with 3rd Brigade, 2nd Infantry Division.
When reached for comment, Applewood was unapologetic.
“I don’t see why they’re so mad. How many toothbrushes, decks of playing cards, or little packets of gum do we need? I get that stuff at the PX. I’m twenty years old and haven’t had sex in fourteen months. My balls are so blue they’re cobalt. I’m not exactly sure what that means but lets just say it’s bad.”
The note has set off a firestorm between the military and charity organizations. An in-depth investigation by the soldier’s commander further stoked the flames when the report issued was extremely brief and confirmed Applewood’s remarks.
The report included statements from various soldiers, including “[we] have enough damn baby wipes” and “there is a real shortage of high-quality material for the jack shack.”
Other service-members oppose the investigations findings. They believe the care packages for soldiers are well-meaning and allow those who cannot serve the opportunity to contribute to the war effort.
Marine Lance Corporal Jared Headley, of 3rd Battalion, 6th Marines, is one who disagrees with Applewood.
“We’ve been at war for over a decade. How can you not find porn in Iraq or Afghanistan? I’m stuck in a crappy COP [combat outpost] in the middle of nowhere and I have three terabytes of porn meticulously categorized by genre. That dude needs to make some friends. I could use a beer though.”
Church officials, having finally learned what ‘Every American Soldier Ever’ wants, have begun including the new requests in the care packages. Local porn shops, however, have suffered from the newfound revelation.
“I hate it,” said Rex Rudder, owner of ‘Chitty Chitty Bang Bang’, a porn shop outside Fort Bragg. “Those buses pull up and all these church moms come pouring out into my store. My regulars usually beat feet because who wants to buy Donkey Dongs 6 when the church lady is behind them in line?”
Rudder shakes his head and continues.
“I guess if it’s soldier care packages for the troops, it’s ok. All these people out here just get a bumper sticker on their car and think that’s enough. Hell, I’m doing real work for the war effort — I’ve even thrown in a few fleshlights to do my part.”
The close shadowing of numerous submarines by whales was recently revealed by Admiral William Wysocki, Director of Submarine Services for the Atlantic Fleet.
“We never like to see a contact following us, and for quite a few subs out there, it’s been a frightening ordeal,” said Wysocki.
One sub that dealt with a strange tail was the USS Baltimore (SSN-704).
“We were traveling submerged approximately 25 miles off the Virginia coast when Chief Robinson confirmed contact with an unidentified object following less than 500 yards behind,” said Captain Steven Horowitz. “I took evasive action, but we just couldn’t shake him.”
In what is considered a remarkable, but non-traditional decision, Captain Horowitz called on Senior Chief James ‘Fins’ Oslow of SEAL Team 3 to investigate.
The Chief selected three from his SEAL team that happened to be awake, not occupied in the can, or flirting with one of the female Lieutenants, to assist with the mission. The SEALS exited the sub using the number 4 torpedo tube, and waited for the ‘shadow’ to appear.
“When I saw it, I just about shit my pants,” said SO2(SEAL) Jason Bingham. “It was a whale, and he had a fucking erection. He was headed straight for the ass-end of the sub.”
Thinking quickly, Bingham decided to strike the whale first.
“I pulled a chemlight out and poked him on the nose as hard as I could, which caused the whale to go flaccid and abort his attack.”
When the SEALs reported back to the sub, Captain Horowitz told the Team to cut the shit and tell the damn truth.
After realizing they weren’t exaggerating, he then reported the incident to Atlantic Fleet.
Admiral Wysocki assured him that this wasn’t an isolated incident. Tracking similar stories, the Admiral had postulated that the damage, and/or disappearance, of at least four subs in the past year “could be attributed to horny whales.”
A committee has been appointed to determine the best method to avoid future whale attacks on submarines. One member recommended towing a chemlight armed SEAL behind every submarine, but was voted down due to the concern of losing the SEAL to shark attacks.
“We don’t train these boys to be shark chum,” said Admiral Wysocki.
Another suggestion of towing one of the female officers behind the sub as a decoy was tossed out due to concerns of sexual harassment accusations.
While the committee has so far failed to develop a viable plan, they did recommend that Petty Officer Bingham be given some type of award for saving the Baltimore from impending whale rape. This recommendation means another committee has been established to design an appropriate “Cock Block” ribbon.
“Shots all around!” shouts Navy Lt. Eddie Moore, as he and seven other infantry Marines and sailors finished off their second bottle of Absinthe for the evening, slurping it off the Filipina hooker they’d hired.
Lt. Moore has the distinction of being the first chaplain in the entire Armed Forces to practice Khlysty (Pronounced Ca-lis-tee), a relatively unknown religion that is becoming more and more popular in many Marine Corps infantry units.
A recent poll conducted by the Marine Corps showed that as many as 17% of all infantrymen have attended at least one Khlysty service in the past three months.
Khlysty, virtually unknown in the United States until recently, was a splinter group that broke off from the Russian Orthodox Church about three hundred years ago and was practiced most famously by the Russian mystic Rasputin.
Their cardinal belief is that the path to salvation and repentance leads through excessive sinning: the greater the sin, the holier the sinner.
One new convert is Corporal Richard Kim, an infantry machine gun team-leader with 3rd Battalion 3rd Marines and Khlysty cleric-in-training.
“It’s perfectly simple,” said Corporal Kim while receiving oral sex in a hotel elevator. “If confession and repentance are the key to salvation, I have to be able to confess and repent for something, right? Hey, does your mom know you’re out?”
According to Lt. Moore, Khlysty religious services are usually carried out every Friday and Saturday night throughout downtown Waikiki, usually starting at Club Femme Nu or Hawaii By Night, and ending wherever the congregation passes out until the next morning.
When Lt. Moore first arrived at Marine Corps Base Hawaii, he wasn’t sure he would even have a congregation. But during an early prayer session conducted while balls-deep in a 250 lb local woman, he met Lance Corporal Christopher Hamilton.
“Yeah, my squad was totally running a train on this bitch,” said Lance Corporal Hamilton, “when I realized that one of the guys was our Chaplain. I was like, ‘what the fuck you doing Chaps?’ and he said he was at prayer. I really didn’t want to wake up the next morning for church, so I converted on the spot.”
Lt. Moore said that he ministers to both officers and enlisted personnel.
“Actually the officers have been some of our most enthusiastic converts,” Moore said. “For about a month or two I had to park myself down at the hospital every Saturday night for when they started trickling in with blood alcohol levels around .41.”
Still, despite the success he’s been having, Moore says there have been some minor problems.
“Since Khlysty doesn’t believe in children, we actually have a ban on marriage. For too many grunts, that’s half their monthly pay right there.”
“I eventually had to institute a rule that they could only marry lesbians for their contract marriages: it’s not completely kosher, but it suits my congregation.”
There have also been issues with another relatively-new infantry-based religion: the Malamatis, based off an eighth century Sufi Muslim group who believed in proving their piety by conducting outrageous acts in public.
“We tried doing an interfaith event with them last month,” Lieutenant Moore said, “but they trashed our strip club, beat up the bouncer, and pissed all over the floor.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Pentagon has denied initial reports out of southern Afghanistan that Marines have tortured prisoners after an embedded journalist reported the playing of Justin Bieber songs to “extract intelligence.”
New York Times reporter Thomas Brennan claimed that Taliban fighters were forced to endure songs like “Baby” and “Someone to Love.” He also described one “emotionally disturbing” incident where frustrated Marines went even further — playing Rebecca Black’s “Friday” to a Taliban fighter who soon became ”completely demoralized and drained.”
“I can still hear him screaming,” said Brennan, recalling the captured fighter’s terror. “He was begging to be water-boarded but the Marines just turned up the volume.”
“We absolutely do not torture,” said Pentagon spokesman Michael Lee. “Music can help to ‘motivate’ prisoners, whether it be the Sesame Street theme, Katy Perry, or Nickelback. If I have to listen to that crap on the radio, so can they.”
Human rights activists from Amnesty International were quick to condemn the Marines’ actions as “coercion and torture” on a scale similar to that of Abu Ghraib.
“No one should have to listen to such horrifying ‘music’,” said James McDougal of Amnesty, using his fingers to make a quoting motion. “Bieber Fever may be alright for 12 year-old girls, but it’s another matter entirely for hardened enemy fighters.”
McDougal went on to say that this is just another case amid a string of abuse, beginning with Guantanamo, continuing with the practice of ‘PowerPointing‘, and culminating in what he deems “the worst — Fuckin’ Beiber [sic].”
A preliminary investigation from the Naval Criminal Investigative Service found that the allegations have merit.
“Marines did in fact play this material near Taliban prisoners,” said Major Alan Furgenson. “We are still in the process of ascertaining all of the facts, but some of the Marines have said they thought the prisoners may ‘like’ the music. I don’t really know how that’s possible. But I do want to make one thing clear: we do not believe this is torture.”
Battalion Commander Lieutenant Colonel Evan Keller voiced concerns over the actions of his troops.
“The fact that these Taliban shit-heads had to listen to this stuff was one thing, but what I’m most disturbed about is that men under my command would have Justin Bieber music in their possession. It’s completely unacceptable, and disciplinary action will be taken.”
This latest scandal follows on the heels of a similar incident several months ago where Army interrogators allegedly showed prisoners the Twilight movies with Pashto subtitles.
Did that actually just happen? Yes. Yes it actually did.
The investigation, led by Lt. General Marc Rogers, the Air Force Inspector General (IG), is part of a larger effort to identify additional problems after it was learned that 78 cadets at the Air Force Academy were caught cheating on an online test.
In a memo drafted by a Pakistani typist hired through oDesk for $2.35 per hour, Air Force officials said they were “extremely disturbed” by the initial findings.
“We thought 78 cadets cheating was just a small blip on the radar,” said Lt. Col John Bryan, Director of Public Affairs at the Academy, “but we wanted to make sure that there weren’t any other issues.”
The cheating scandal was only the beginning which led the IG to other troublesome conduct, which the investigators have said resembled “frat-house behavior.”
One incident in the report details a UAV pilot, identified only as a Major, showing up to work “extremely hungover.” Later that day he flew his MQ-1 Predator Drone past Pakistani and Indian airspace all the way to Sri Lanka before realizing there was a problem.
He even launched one of the AGM-114 Hellfire missiles directly at the sun because he “wanted to know what it would do.”
Another incident involving an F-22 pilot showed that there was also a problem of what the Inspector General called “air-to-air cheating.”
“The pilot in this incident allegedly wrote down a ‘cheat sheet’ on his arm in black pen with all missiles aboard his aircraft and how to use them,” said Lt. Col Bryan. “We try to teach memorization of this stuff at the academy, but I suppose it’s a new Air Force, right?”
Some believe the issues move to the highest levels of the chain of command.
“Actually, most of our UAV’s are piloted by drone operators in New Delhi,” said Air Force Chief of Staff General Norton A. Schwartz. “You really can’t beat $4 an hour to be flying 24-hour missions out there.”
The General continued to read from his statement, written for him by a Chinese-born English major.
“These problems are being identified, and they will be fixed. Make no mistake.”
Schwartz then left the briefing early, saying he had to get back to “the hookers in his room before they charge him for time wasted.”
KABUL, AFGHANISTAN – Last night at 2140 Afghan local time, outgoing ISAF Joint Command (IJC) leader Lt. Gen. Curtis Scapparotti announced to assembled press and senior military officials that the war in Afghanistan was over.
Amid streamers, fireworks, and an enormous MISSION ACCOMPLISHED banner — reminiscent of President Bush’s now infamous speech on the deck of an aircraft carrier shortly after the invasion of Iraq — the General smiled for the cameras and spoke of victory.
“I just gotta say, this is a great day for the US Military, and our country as a whole,” said General Scapparotti.
Soldiers mobbed Dining Facilities (DFACs) across the war-torn nation in search of non-alcoholic beer to celebrate the historic event, while back on the home-front, millions of citizens took to the streets in thousands of impromptu ”victory parties.”
The cause for all of the celebration lies in the assessment slide at the center of the main briefing screen in the Kabul IJC — headquarters for the entire war effort. It shows a map of Afghanistan, with a block next to each Province, indicating the progress in that particular region. For the first time in the history of the now 11 year war, all blocks are colored green.
The General was asked about his feelings on the slide after the press conference.
“I’m not going to lie to you, I thought we were pretty screwed here. I mean, we’re losing one, maybe two soldiers every single day, spending almost a trillion dollars to keep the most corrupt government on earth in power, and indiscriminately killing civilians by the dozen,” he says, shaking his head, as if trying to clear a bad memory.
“Then this morning I wake up and receive my morning update brief, just like any other day, but then I saw this slide. It hasn’t changed in so long that we usually just flip right past it. I was actually saying ‘Next Slide’ when I looked again and saw those beautiful green blocks! Then I thought to myself, thank God! It’s finally over!”
Reporters then asked the General what he planned to do next, now that the eleven-year Afghan war was coming to a close. He laughed, saying, “What the hell do you think I’m gonna do? Get the fuck out of here and take my ass to Disneyland.”
At the center of this rapid change of fortune for the US war effort in the country is Specialist Mario Flores, attached to the 21st Civil Affairs BDE, currently deployed to Camp Julien in Kabul.
We tracked down the young soldier and asked him about the now famous briefing slide.
“Well, the other night it was late and I got handed this tasker. Usually my LT comes in and does the slide, which we then send over to the IJC for the morning brief, but he forgot to come back to work after crashing in the CHU of this interpreter chick that he’s been banging. At first I was worried about having to do it myself, but I figured nothing ever changes here, so why worry about it. But then I saw that the blocks in the assessment were all red. I mean look at this place.”
The Specialist waves his hands, taking in the burnt out buildings, the stench of human waste in the air, and the incessant calls to prayer coming over the scratchy loudspeakers that are located throughout the capital in the thousands.
“Of course it was red. But I didn’t want everyone to think this was a complete waste of time. So I decided to change the slides to yellow. I figured whats the harm? I mean there’s no real difference. Shit’s still fucked up, but at least it looks like we’re doing something.”
Then the young man sighed. “That’s how it started. Turns out my monitor’s color display was fucked up, so I actually changed the slides to green. And-well, you guys know the rest.”
The quiet young soldier smiles and lights a cigarette.
When asked whether he would alert his chain-of-command to the discrepancy, Flores is hesitant.
“The fuck I will! I’m already scheduled on the Freedom Bird flying out this Saturday. Let the brass figure it out later.”
Hope, Oregon – At Happy Fields Senior Village, a lone figure sits alone in a rocking chair by the window. A Special Forces Operator in Vietnam — the look in his eye tells onlookers plainly that he is deep in reflection of many years of war and toil.
His past haunts him every night.
Born July 6, 1947, he is one of the younger members here since his admittance by old friend Ms. Sarah Miller, but his stoic meditation hides the chaos that reigned just days ago.
Many witnesses reported that everything was going fine for John. The former soldier was actively involved with gym days and was the teacher’s assistant of the knitting class.
But then the quiet mood was dashed by the “gunshot-like” sounds from someone air-popping a bowl of popcorn.
“Shots rang out everywhere!” recalls a traumatized John. He got to the ground during his gardening hour, using soil and leaves to camouflage himself.
“He’s ripping up my azaleas to smear all that dirt on his–” started resident Betsy Cromwell, 76.
John interrupted, “War is Hell. Get over it.”
The senior center soon erupted in mass chaos as the disheveled war hero climbed through the window, arming himself with a soup ladle and took a nurse hostage. The intern was heard screaming, “What is going on? I just started yesterday; I don’t even know what to say right now!”
John’s reply was straightforward and matter-of-fact: “Well then I guess you shouldn’t say anything, should you?”
Poor luck was abundant that day, as a bus full of school children was visiting the senior center to share their energetic company and finger-painting expertise. John swung wildly through crowd, cracking osteoporosis-weakened bones and permanently stunting growth spurts. As he fought his way madly through the melee of society’s outcasts, fragments of his past were streaming slowly back into the forefront of his mind.
Bullets rained down upon him in his delirious fantasies. Viet Cong may or may not have engaged him in mortal combat. He grabbed a second hostage, a small boy, and barged his way onto the school bus, pointing the large, useless utensil at the driver. Cameras inside the bus recorded a wild look in the senior’s eyes, as well as the following conversation:
John: Drive! [Pause] Don’t look at me, look at the road! That’s how accidents happen!
Intern: [sobbing] Oh God… What do we do?
School Boy: Nothing we can do.
John: These windows have major tint… I don’t like it.
The bus was stopped twenty miles East of Gladstone, OR when John reportedly fainted as a result of missing his diabetes medication. It was suspected he was leading the bus toward the Cascade Mountain range, as the bus was on a direct route toward Mt. Hood. Experts believe that if the bus had reached its destination, the four individuals on the bus may have been lost forever.
“I thought I was going to be raped fifty times and get my fucking head cut off,” said Katrina Blair, his first hostage. “I just thank God I came out of it alive.”
The officer that first arrived and evacuated the victims, Sgt Lewis, was quick to reply, “God didn’t save your life. We did.” He glanced over at the Army Veteran, now parked in a hospital wheelchair. “You can drop the thousand-yard stare. I’ve seen it all before, and I’m not impressed.”
John was immediately brought to the nearest hospital for treatment. His hostages were released with no medical attention necessary, albeit severe psychological scarring. Experts say this was an isolated psychotic episode and was unlikely to happen again. Happy Fields has claimed it will not be pressing charges, and that John did them a service by clearing out some tenants at the overflowing senior center.
At the end of the day, the dead numbered in the twenties and several dozen were wounded. When asked how he could keep living in Happy Fields Senior Village, he responded, “Day by day.”
“Without getting into Jane Fonda’s activities during the Vietnam War, we feel that it is highly inappropriate to name a warship after an actress with no ties to the military,” said James Mitchell, a spokesman for both groups.
The ship’s name, which had been kept under wraps until right before the launch, was revealed yesterday at a star-studded event presided over by Ms. Fonda.
Ms. Fonda made a statement prior to the launch, saying, “I dedicate this ship to the brave men who fought and died in Vietnam, especially those in the 66th Viet Cong Regiment.”
The actress is extremely unpopular among some military groups for her activities during the Vietnam War, such as posing for propaganda pictures with North Vietnamese soldiers, referring to American prisoners of war as “hypocrites and liars”, and more recently cutting the line at a Target in front of a guy wearing an American flag t-shirt.
American warships, traditionally named after states, cities, and posthumous military heroes, have increasingly been named after living figures ever since 1998, when the Republican-controlled Congress named 18 warships in a row after former President Ronald Reagan.
In recent years, the Navy has come under fire for its practice of naming ships after controversial individuals, such as congressional representatives John P. Murtha and Gabrielle Giffords, and civil rights activists Cesar Chavez and Medgar Evers.
When reached for comment, Secretary of the Navy Ray Mabus said that there was no actual law over ship naming conventions.
“Plus, I really liked Barbarella,” Mabus added.
The Jane Fonda will form part of the newly-activated Eighth Fleet, built around the aircraft carrier Hillary Rodham Clinton (CVN-80), and destroyers Family Guy, Lady Gaga, and Trayvon Martin.
UPDATE – The US Navy has denied any connection between the naming of the Fonda and recent negotiations with Vietnam over basing American ships out of Cam Ranh Bay. Navy officials have confirmed however that Cam Ranh Bay will be the Fonda‘s first port of call and Vietnamese Minister of Defense Phung Quang Thanh was overheard commenting how his country would, “love ship long time.”
But despite the improvements, they’ve still run into problems with Rules of Engagement violations and civilian casualties.
“That all ends today,” said Lieutenant Colonel Todd Brogan in a press conference in Kabul.
Brogan briefed the media on a Marine Corps research project — working alongside Trijicon and Afghan President Hamid Karzai — to improve the current weapon sight.
The result: a laser engraving alongside the reticle with currently accepted rules of engagement, escalation of force procedures, and pre-fire checklists.
“We’re hoping that having the ROEs presented over the Marine’s field of view will allow us to ensure that every pull of the trigger is a righteous one,” said Lt. Col Brogan.
The Rules of Engagement to be engraved were agreed upon by top officials at the Pentagon and Afghan President Hamid Karzai. The RCO, with its tritium illuminated chevron and stadia, will also feature key ROE procedures, helping Marines make the right call.
The new rules have been highly criticized by ground troops, who claim they take away their rights to defend themselves.
“These new ROEs they’re trying to push on us is horseshit,” said Cpl Stanley Alvarez. “ROE 4244 is fucking lame. I can’t fire back unless the target has verbally identified himself as Taliban, and only if he’s been enrolled into HIIDEs [biometric scanning] and popped with priors.”
Afghan President Karzai has stressed the importance of protecting the Afghan people.
“There are no Taliban in Afghanistan anymore. My country is friendly to foreigners. Any fire the Americans have encountered is obviously celebratory to welcome the soldiers,” said Karzai. “I question their motives by their reports of being shot at and feel the ISAF ground troops are showing signs of intense paranoia.”
Marines who have tested the new reticles have questioned the ability of troops on the ground to read and comprehend them during the heat of combat.
Staff Sergeant Rudy Harrington, of Quantico Weapons Testing, was reserved in his views.
“I think it’s a great idea on paper, but the wording of the ROEs is pretty lengthy and blocks out a lot of the field of view. The RCO already has a pretty crowded reticle, and with the addition of several paragraphs of ROEs it becomes somewhat hard to acquire [Positive Identification] targets. Some of my Marines have complained of headaches after extended periods on the firing line, and during testing debriefs it’s come up that the size of the font in the RCO as well as attempting to focus on the reticle and the ROEs as the same time may be the cause. They placed ROE 4242 quite close to the outside of the field of view in one prototype we tested, and we were noticing it gave false scope shadow.”
ROE 4242 is another of the “Karzai-Approved” ROEs and states that American forces can only return fire on individuals when they “ … see the whites of the enemy’s eyes.” This revision is in response to stray bullets known to occasionally hit the walls of mud compounds requiring the valuable local nationals’ time to repair.
ROEs have also been revised to protect the pet dogs in Afghanistan, who have been among the highest casualties since the war began in late October 2001. ROE 4244-K9 states that forces can only fire upon dogs found to be carrying illegal weapons. Since the AK-47 is a legal weapon in Afghanistan, forces must identify such illegal weapons as RPKs, PKMs, or RPGs.
Karzai has also demanded that the US military conform to California State Gun Laws, saying that “the rest of America should take lessons from their friends in Hollywood, including the American military.”
Lt. Col Brogan responded to questions relating to Karzai’s “CA legal” demands by saying, “That seems pretty severe. I would be surprised if our friends at the Pentagon decided to implement those.”
Other proposed reticle enhancements include blacking out the Bullet Drop Compensator (BDC) beyond 100 meters to discourage shots from being taken beyond the range that positive identification can be reliably established.
“In addition to engraving ROEs into the reticles of our new ‘Karzai Approved’ RCOs, we are removing any compatibility with Night Vision Devices to comply with Karzai’s demand of ceasing all military operations at sundown,” said Lt. Col. Brogan. “We are also phasing out guard post at night at our FOBs at COPs as a show of good-will with the Afghan people.”
“We all want the same thing,” continued Brogan. “To mitigate any and all civilian deaths amongst the Afghan community. US Forces are committed to proving to the Afghan People that we have no desire to harm anyone who hasn’t proven themselves to be an enemy of America.”
Headquarters Marine Corps has ordered 14,000 of the new “Karzai Approved RCOs,” and plans on issuing them within the next 3 months to Marines in the field.
Ft. Sam Houston, TX - With a breakdown in morale and discipline, 1SG Dan Melton had enough. The Company First Sergeant had to reach back to the past — with his decades of experience — and issue fresh orders.
“We just came back from a 15-month deployment,” says Melton, “and we’ve been having some serious problems with our junior soldiers.”
The First Sergeant, part of the 14th Military Intelligence Battalion, stares at his soldiers standing in formation, upset that it’s come to this. “Everyone has grown so enamored with the ‘New’ Army stuff,” he says, using condescending air quotes. “Well I for one think it’s bullshit!”
The soldiers just stare back blankly, unsure of what the First Sergeant is talking about. He then goes on to tell them that “they’ll be going back to his day.” Most have no idea what he means.
The troops soon got a taste after he replaced computers with a “butcher paper” method for analysis many hadn’t seen since Fort Huachuca, AZ, if at all. He also instituted a regime of what he has deemed “purely infantry-oriented PT”.
And then he issued black jump boots to all his soldiers.
“I’m doing this for your own good. When I was in Primary Leadership Development we used to dedicate at least three hours a day to cleaning those things! I’m not doing this as a punishment, but rather out of love for my soliders.”
Many troops remain skeptical.
“What the hell are we supposed to do with these?” whined SPC Wade Galliston. “I used to hear stories about black boot polishing. And I saw them in an old recruting poster once, but I thought all that was over. Hell, my recruiter sealed the deal by saying we were only wearing Danners now.”
One platoon sergeant tried to defend the First Sergeant and motivate his soldiers.
“Top’s heart is in the right place. He just wants us to maintain a higher standard.” said SSG Joshua Barrish. ”It’ll pass,” he says, watching his platoon slave over the boots, black polish staining their multicams.
“It’ll pass.” he says again.
Later, during a listening session with other leadership, 1SG Melton faced something of a mini-rebellion, when he suggested the Army break out the old freeze dried MREs so “these pussies can stop crying about trading.”
On what can only be determined an upside, 1SG Melton said he might forego any more radical changes and simply jump the chain of command, writting to SMA Raymond F. Chandler with his ideas to “cull the wheat from the chaff”.
Tegucigalpa, Honduras – Here in the middle of the rain forests of Central America, the United States military is painstakingly misapplying the lessons it learned from the War on Terror to the War on Drugs.
A soldier makes contact with tribal elders from the turret of his desert-patterned Mine-Resistant Ambush Protected (MRAP) Vehicle, after getting stuck in a mud puddle.
“Salaam Alaikum,” shouts Specialist Lenny Barnet to a group of Honduran farmers.
The farmers, who are overwhelmingly Spanish-speaking, just stare back blankly.
Specialist Barnet is just one of 600 soldiers who make up Joint Task Force-Bravo, a US military unit that has been helping the Honduran government fight narcotics traffickers in Central America.
According to Colonel Ross Brown, the commander of American military forces in Honduras, before his unit deployed he was given instructions by General Douglas Fraser at US Southern Command to pay strict attention to After-Action Reviews (AARs) coming out of Iraq and Afghanistan.
“Well, I wasn’t too sure that we could apply lessons learned in landlocked Muslim desert countries to the jungles of Central America,” said Colonel Brown, “but the General insisted, and orders are orders.”
“According to the AARs, our first priority was to make sure that everyone spoke some basic Arabic,” he said. “Then we did a series of classes on how to respect Islamic customs, which no one here seems to follow.”
“One of my Staff Sergeants actually spent three hours trying to show a local priest where Mecca was.”
“Then we ordered several dozen MRAPs to guard against IED attacks and made all our soldiers practice their 5′s and 25′s [explosive checks]. The checks, however, didn’t last for long after several of them tried it in the jungle and fell down a ravine.”
As Colonel Ross spoke, his men were busy conducting a census in a local village to find out how many people were Sunni or Shi’a.
After one of his men reported that no one seemed to know what a Sunni or Shi’a was, Colonel Ross smiled and said, “I can already see they’re learning to ignore those things and work together!”
Back in Tegucigalpa, a counterbattery radar detachment was hard at work scanning areas of the Pakistani border, over 9,000 miles away.
“Well, we’ve been ordered to vigilantly watch for infiltrators coming from Pakistan,” said a slightly confused Corporal Jesse Cass, “but I’m a little more concerned about the cartel gunfight going on outside our main gate.”
According to Colonel Ross, the Task Force ultimately planned to set up a series of checkpoints throughout the country, a job he believed would be even easier since they could use all the MRAPs, which were unable to drive on the narrow Honduran dirt roads.
“Once we’ve established our checkpoints, we can easily separate the people from Al Qaeda, or whatever jihadi terrorist group is running around Central America,” Colonel Ross observed.
“Then we can assist the locals in setting up a proper Islamic constitution, help them divy up oil reserves, and assist their multiple wives in finding jobs”
Ah, Lieutenants. This can be watched a hundred times and never get old.
YOKOSUKA, JAPAN - Upon arriving to his assignment aboard the already underway USS George Washington, Petty Officer 3rd Class Walt Morris made Navy history by becoming the first ever non-Filipino Culinary Specialist.
After finishing the basic course at the Joint Culinary Center of Excellence in Ft. Lee, VA, he arrived on the George Washington and met the rest of the galley staff, whom he described as being ”polite” and “curious” about his presence.
Culinary Specialists are responsible for operating and managing Navy messes and living quarters. But to hungry sailors, their most important functions are preparing and serving meals.
For breaking the galley’s color barrier, Navy officials are hailing the multiracial Morris — who describes himself as “a true American mutt” with a “mix of white, some kind of Spanish, and 1/16th Cherokee” — as the “Jackie Robinson of the Navy.”
Vice Admiral Bill Higgins flew out to the George Washington to meet Morris in person and shake his hand.
“You are doing your country and the Navy a great service,” Higgins said to the visibly nervous Morris, “by showing that those of us who are not Filipino can also work in a Navy galley.”
Morris has been working round-the-clock to learn the ropes, and many sailors have praised Morris’ enthusiasm.
“This man try very hard,” CS1 Ramon Montez said. “He is new. I mess up too when I was new. Not as bad as he, but you know.”
Montez listed several of Morris’ mishaps so far, including burning the powdered eggs at breakfast, adding the wrong amount of milk to a vat of chocolate pudding, and forgetting to put the nozzle on a hose while cleaning the kitchen so that he drenched everyone working.
Montez smirked and shrugged with his palms up. ”I guess it most important that he try,” Montez said.
For Higgins’ visit, Morris prepared vegetable broth soup for the Vice Admiral’s lunch.
“We give him something easy,” Montez said.
When Higgins sat down at the dining table, he asked his aides, “Is this the soup that was prepared by the young man? Super.”
Higgins took a sip of the soup, furrowed his brow, and then slammed his spoon down. “Take this shit away,” he yelled. “Get me some real food right now before I throw someone off this goddamn ship.”
For his part, Morris is remaining upbeat.
“I fucked up,” Morris said. “The recruiter told me that going CS was encroaching on the Manila Mafia’s territory, but I didn’t listen. They shout orders out in Tagalog. They make me go to karaoke night in one of the common rooms every other night, even though I want to go to sleep. And I don’t follow boxing, so when they asked me who my favorite boxer was, I said Floyd Mayweather because I remembered the name from ESPN. No one talked to me for the rest of the day.”
Morris shook his head. “As soon as possible, I’m gonna get out and do something completely different so that I never have to see another Filipino ever again.”
“Maybe I can cross-rate into dental,” Morris said. “I might like a job there.”
“Ask Top” is your semi-monthly advice column where you can get the answers to the burning questions you always wished you could ask. Our resident First Sergeant has been in every infantry battle since Vietnam and has banged more quiff than all of you numb-nuts put together.
His hobbies include chewing ass, laughing at Second Lieutenants, killing people with his bare hands, and telling soldiers to get their damn hands out of their pockets.
DEAR TOP: I’m in an infantry platoon operating in Afghanistan. We’ve had a few engagements thus far, and I’ve noticed that our Lieutenant is always freaking out. Instead of firing back or calling support on the radio, he’s been screaming ADDRAC repeatedly. What the hell does that mean? — ACRONYMED OUT in Jalalabad, Afghanistan
DEAR ACRONYMED OUT: First off troop, why the hell are you calling out an LT on the internet? You think I’m going to save your sorry ass? I’ve been in more firefights than your goddamned height in inches. But to adress your question, I think you should know that cherry LT’s are something that you just have to bear. Obviously he’s freaking out over the sound of AK-fire because it isn’t like Call of Duty, and so his shock is making him revert back to his OCS training and throwing out weird acronyms hoping it’ll impress the platoon.
You gotta break in your LT right. This reminds me of Vicenza, Italy, 1974 – 509th Airborne Battalion Combat Team. We had an LT by the name of Petra… or I think it was Petraeus or some shit. Being a West Point grad he was trying to be all prim and proper, which is the exact opposite of what a unit like that needed.
Before long while we would do our jumps the ole LT would yell useful acronyms like, ”fuckin LEG” to all the five jump chump POG’s. I truly knew LT would go far.
For future reference, ADDRAC is Alert, Direction, Description, Range, Assignment, & Control. You should’ve already known that from FM 12-17-8. You better read the damn thing before the next Army retention board flushes your ass like the rest of the turds.
DEAR TOP: I met a really amazing woman a few weeks ago. She’s gorgeous, really funny, and she’s an incredibly talented stripper. I’m thinking of popping the question. What do you think? — LOVESTRUCK in Fort Hood, Texas
DEAR LOVESTRUCK: Wow. That was an incredible story. It even got my dick hard. Since you stupid motherfuckers usually do the opposite of what the old First Sergeant says, I think you should really go for it.
I’m sure you probably already screwed this chick — without a rubber of course — because you don’t want to listen to First Sergeant’s safety briefs, now do you? So she actually let you put your pathetic pecker inside her and all of a sudden she’s marriage material. Hell, I can see it from here.
So yeah — marry her. Give her all your damn money. Buy her expensive shit. Go on deployment and cry over her as she gives crabs to the next soldier down the line. Oh, and don’t forget to get her a General Power of Attorney to really demonstrate your love. I think that’s as good a plan as any.
Got a question for the Top? Submit yours anonymously — whatever it is — to [email protected] and it may be answered next week!
CAMP LEJEUNE, NC – A Lance Corporal in the Second Marine Regiment is facing charges of disorderly conduct after “stealing” the wife of his battalion commander.
Lance Corporal Michael Gavrilovic, an infantry rifleman with 1st Battalion, 2nd Marines, will appear before a court-martial on the charges that he convinced Ms. Ellen Granger to file for divorce against her husband and remarry him.
Ms. Granger is the wife of Lieutentant Colonel Ron Granger, the commander of 1st Battalion 2nd Marines, and Lance Corporal Gavrilovic’s commanding officer.
Lance Corporal Gavrilovic announced through his lawyer that he had received written notification stating that he was in violation of Articles 91 and 134 of the Uniform Code of Military Justice. Article 91 is insubordinate conduct towards an officer and 134 is a general article that addresses issues of good order and discipline.
According to Lance Corporal Gavrilovic, he met Ms. Granger at Dirty Deeds, a popular bar in Jacksonville, just outside Camp Lejeune. According to Gavrilovic, she was there to hook up with a Gunnery Sergeant or “some horny 2nd Lieutenant.”
Instead, she fell for him after glimpsing the motorcycle he’s still paying off on top of the alimony from his first marriage.
“What can I say,” Ms. Granger told reporters. “He was just so self-confident. Ron’s always at the office, and all he ever does is worry: ‘Are my Marines well-trained enough? How many are we going to lose in Afghanistan? Blah blah blah…’ All Mike cares about is having a good time and working the system.”
According to the Public Affairs Office at Camp Lejeune, Lance Corporal Gavrilovic has actually been pending administrative separation for the past two months. The Marine Corps decided to separate him after he had received three non-judicial punishments for selling his issued gear at a nearby pawn shop, theft of an unknown number of MRE boxes, and general malingering.
Lieutenant Colonel Granger announced he would not contest the divorce, but demanded to know what had happened to his ceremonial sword, which he claimed he’d spotted on eBay. He also announced his intention to seek sole custody of their two teenagers, Tyson and Christina.
The teenagers had mixed thoughts on their new father.
“Mike’s definitely going to be a cool Dad,” said Tyson. “Even though he’s only five years older than me, he’s already helped me make two fake ID’s and shown me where all the bars with lax carding are.”
Christina was more reserved: ”Mike’s always coming by my room, asking if I need help with my homework, but he kind of hugs me a lot and I’m pretty sure I’ve caught him in my underwear drawer.”
Lance Corporal Gavrilovic was extremely optimistic that he would beat any charges.
“People like me show there’s hope for the little guy.”
He then asked reporters if they were interested in buying a box of night-vision goggles he claimed he’d found in a dumpster.
FAIRBANKS, AK — Leaving active duty can be a difficult transition for some soldiers, but Specialist Chris Tanner has a plan for his future. He’s taken to a rather lonesome and rough lifestyle in the wilderness, hoping to attract the attention of the Central Intelligence Agency.
The 23 year-old Human Resources Clerk (MOS 42A) was until recently attached to the 25th Infantry Division, before being placed on inactive ready reserve (IRR) status this past month.
“Things were really looking up when I got out,” says Tanner in a recent interview at his cabin. ”I was set to finish my active duty stint, my uncle had this place up in the nature preserve here and asked that I look after it, so I did. I thought I had it made.”
Shortly after he arrived at the cabin, Tanner realized his new existence wasn’t all it was cracked up to be.
“There wasn’t any electricity or running water. My commute and new job weren’t anything to write home about. My girlfriend left me. It was time for a change.”
From that point forward Tanner vowed to start fresh, put to use his advanced training as a soldier, and be ready for when “the CIA come knocking on his door.” He prepared in the only way he knew how: He grew a beard and began a daily regimen of chopping wood.
“I have all the necessary things I need in order to get the call,” Tanner says. “The isolation and cabin at a minimum gives me the Mark Wahlberg in Shooter angle. The beard adds points, a la Chuck Norris. It took me three weeks to get the proper amount of growth.”
He also says that the amount of wood he chops each day gives him a huge edge over Tommy Lee Jones’ character in “The Hunted.”
“But still, I haven’t gotten anything. No dudes in suits and dark sunglasses. No mission to save the American ambassador in Budapest. No torrid tryst with Julia Stiles. Nothing.”
He sighs, visibly frustrated, before turning back to continue chopping wood. Before leaving, Tanner told us to “watch the woods for any dudes who looked like Brian Cox.”
Brian Cox could not be reached for comment.
“We’ve always been trained that if you see something, say something.”
Early yesterday morning, SrA Thaner woke before sunrise for some PT prior to his analyst day shift at the Tactical Operations Center. Rounding the corner to start his jog, he saw an unidentified third-country national (TCN) rummaging through the trash near the center — a common tactic insurgents use to gain inside information.
Thaner then chased the man off and headed for the TOC to report what had happened. He approached his commanding officer, eager to tell him about the security violation that he had just witnessed.
But Lieutenant Colonel Marcus Nimbus had bigger fish to fry.
“When’s the last time you shaved, Airman?” Lt Col Nimbus asked, as SrA Thaner stood tall before him. The officer then dressed down Thaner’s lack of appearance in accordance with regulations.
“He was showing five o’ clock shadow and that’s just unacceptable. For Godsakes, he was so nasty, I almost mistook him for Army! You let that kind of thing slide, next thing you know, Air Force loses its reputation!”
Thaner was upset that he wasn’t able to get a word in.
“I don’t know how to plead with a Colonel, but I want someone to teach me how,” Thaner said, after being reprimanded and heading to the latrine for a mandatory shave.
It was later learned that the potential foreign intelligence agent was really a third country national in charge of cleaning around the trailers, where Thaner’s unit is currently staying.
“They’re also known for dumpster diving.” said Technical Sergeant Tayna Grainer, the senior analyst on Thaner’s shift. The TCN, identified only as Mutassa, explained that he just “wanted to score a Playboy. He hadn’t realized the military’s rules on pornography were close to that of any sharia-minded judge.
The Air Force had dodged a bullet, but SrA Thaner remains unconvinced.
“I’m not even sure what I’d have to do to convince someone if something really did go wrong. I don’t want to know.” he confided. With that Thaner said he’d had enough adventure outside work for one day and decided to retire to his hooch until his shift to meditate.
No word on whether “meditating” was actually the new Air Force euphenism for rubbing one out or whether that was more important than OPSEC.
The photos, which were released to the Los Angeles Times, show American soldiers with the bomber — even extending his middle finger to the camera, and in other poses which Taliban officials have called “shameful.”
Haqme’d Al-Salah, a spokesman for Taliban Regional Command North (TRCN) was extremely disappointed with the bomber’s actions.
“We would like to take a moment to absolutely, 100% condemn what Makfar did. Allowing his body to be photographed in such a state is an absolute shame and violation of human rights,” said Al-Saleh. “No Taliban soldier is authorized to let his dead body be photographed with Americans.”
The U.S. Army is continuing to investigate the incident and were equally upset over the affair.
“This is a clear violation of Army standards and these soldiers will receive appropriate punishment,” said Army spokesman Maj. Gregory Alder.
Despite the investigation and assurances from the Army, the Taliban have continued to express their outrage and have refused any apologies.
“We just want the people of Afghanistan to know that what Makfar did is not in keeping with the Taliban values. And by what he did, we only mean the photos.”
Ahib Qufar, a local Afghan farmer who lost two sons in the suicide bomber’s attack, was broken up and emotional.
“It is so absolutely disgusting and incomprehensible what this man did. Allowing his dead body to be posed with — It’s a shame! For crying out loud, taking pictures with Americans after he was dead? What was he thinking? I don’t think this country will ever recover from something like this, it’s horrific.”