Duffel Blog Radio News – June 29th, 2012

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Hello, I’m Chip Flightline with the Duffel Blog Radio News. Here are your top headlines around the military this week.

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED: SOLDIER SCREWS UP POWERPOINT SLIDE, ENDS WAR IN AFGHANISTAN

Earlier this week outgoing ISAF Joint Command leader Lt. General Curtis Scaparotti announced to assembled press and senior military officials that the war in Afghanistan was over. Amid streamers, fireworks, and an enormous MISSION ACCOMPLISHED banner — reminiscent of President Bush’s now infamous speech on the deck of an aircraft carrier shortly after the invasion of Iraq — the General smiled for the cameras and spoke of victory.

The cause for celebration centered on the assessment slide at the Kabul IJC, showing a map of Afghanistan, with all province blocks colored green, indicating a secured status. Reporters asked the General what he planned to do next. He laughed and said, “What the hell do you think I’m gonna do? Get the fuck out of here and take my ass to Disneyland.”

The dramatic change reflected in the Powerpoint slide is due to Specialist Mario Flores, attached to the 21st Civil Affairs Brigade. Flores’ LT usually does the slide but he prepared it the night prior after he couldn’t find his commander. To indicate some progress, he decided to change the colors from red to yellow — but unfortunately his monitor’s color settings were incorrect.

“That’s how it started,” he says, “and well, you know the rest.”

US DENIES PRISONER TORTURE, ALLEGATIONS OF FORCED LISTENING TO JUSTIN BIEBER, REBECCA BLACK

The Pentagon has denied initial reports out of southern Afghanistan that Marines have tortured prisoners after an embedded journalist reported the playing of Justin Bieber songs to “extract intelligence.”

New York Times reporter Thomas Brennan claimed that Taliban fighters were forced to endure songs like “Baby” and “Someone to Love.” He also described one “emotionally disturbing” incident where frustrated Marines went even further — playing Rebecca Black’s “Friday” to a Taliban fighter who soon turned ”completely demoralized and drained.”

“We absolutely do not torture,” said Pentagon spokesman Michael Lee. “Music can help to ‘motivate’ prisoners, whether it be the Sesame Street theme, Katy Perry, or Nickelback. If I have to listen to that crap on the radio, so can they.”

While the Naval Criminal Investigative Service has confirmed the reports have merit, the Battalion Commander has also expressed concerns over the behavior of his troops.

Lieutenant Colonel Evan Keller said, “The fact that these Taliban shit-heads had to listen to this stuff was one thing, but what I’m most disturbed about is that men under my command would have Justin Bieber music in their possession. It’s completely unacceptable, and disciplinary action will be taken.”

NEW ‘PRO-SIN’ RELIGION EXTREMELY POPULAR IN THE INFANTRY

The newest faith to practice aboard Marine Corps Base Hawaii doesn’t meet in a chapel, a synagogue, or a mosque. In fact, it usually meets at a local strip club.

“Shots all around!” says Navy Lieutenant Eddie Moore, as he and seven other Marines and sailors finished off their second bottle of Absinthe for the evening, slurping it off the Filipina hooker they’d hired.

Lieutenant Moore has the distinction of being the first Khlysty (Pronounced Ca-lis-tee) chaplain in the entire Armed Forces, a relatively unknown religion that is becoming more and more popular in many Marine infantry units.

Khlysty, virtually unknown in the United States until recently, was a splinter group that broke off from the Russian Orthodox Church about three hundred years ago and was practiced most famously by the Russian mystic Rasputin.

Their cardinal belief is that the path to salvation and repentance leads through excessive sinning: the greater the sin, the holier the sinner.

When Lieutenant Moore first arrived at Marine Corps Base Hawaii, he wasn’t sure he would even have a congregation. But during an early prayer session conducted while balls-deep in a 250 lb local woman, he met Lance Corporal Christopher Hamilton.

“Yeah, we were totally running a train on this bitch,” said Lance Corporal Hamilton, “when I realized that the other guy was our Chaplain. I was like, ‘what the fuck you doing Chaps?’ and he said he was at prayer. I really didn’t want to wake up the next morning for church, so I converted on the spot.”

The Chaplain has so far enjoyed great success in growing his flock, with reports of at least 17% of all infantrymen attending at least one service in the past three months.

Other headlines at The Duffel Blog include
Air Force Investigation Finds Rampant Cheating, ‘Frat House Behavior’ Among Key Leaders
Navy Sub Avoids Tragedy, Whale Rape Off Virginia Coast
Church Outraged After Care Package Returned With Note Asking For Porn & Beer

You can read the full stories from this update and many more only at DuffelBlog.com — that’s d-u-f-f-e-l-blog.com. Thanks for joining us and be sure to subscribe to the website and this podcast.

This has been Chip Flightline with the Duffel Blog Radio News.

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