HELMAND, AFGHANISTAN — The Taliban continue to celebrate this week as their video release of “I’m Sexy And I Know It” to YouTube continues to go viral and surpass others from U.S. Military personnel.
The song is from a group known as LMFAO.
Set against the backdrop of an upbeat musical tempo, the video shows numerous Taliban fighters grinding their hips and doing another move the CIA describes as the “wiggle, wiggle, wiggle.”
The dance routines quite typically come in between cheesy video graphics of missiles striking Israel and men firing AK-47′s into the air.
The video also features insurgents in full battle uniform lip-syncing the famous lyrics: “Everybody stops and they staring at me; I got passion in my pants and I ain’t afraid to show it, show it, show it, show it.”
Video director Ahmad Rakim Muhammed explained that he had heard the “infidel devil song” while surfing the channels on the satellite television installed into his home — which still has no running water or toilet.
“I was getting bored watching old episodes of The Big Bomb Theory on al Jazeera one night, so I started flipping through the channels and heard this horrible song,” said Muhammed. “I thought, well, this could definitely work for our information operations against the American crusaders who keep filming their own videos.”
With over 2 million views, “I’m Sexy And I Know It: Taliban Version” has made waves on the internet and across the U.S. military community.
“Now I can’t even listen to that damn song without seeing some haji [sic] in manjammies thrusting towards the camera,” said Marine Sergeant Brad Allen with 1st Battalion, 4th Marines. “It’s seared into my brain. I think I may have to go to MHU [Mental Health Unit] after this shit.”
Despite the video’s success however, some Taliban fighters have expressed anger at the release. One Taliban infantryman said the video features a bunch of “boot-ass POG’s [person other than grunt].”
“Yeah, it’s real nice that these guys get to sit around on their fat asses at the TOB [Taliban Operating Base] while the real men actually go out and fight the infidels,” said Omar Shaklidi, a fighter who serves with the 332nd Jihad Brigade. “They must have taken time off from belly dance night and their Turkbucks Coffee to film it.”
Other comments on the video were more enthusiastic. One YouTube user, which appeared to be an American girl out of San Clemente, California said: “OMG! You guys ROCK!!@1!@ SOOOO Kewl!”
“I’m so glad to see this,” commented Youtube user Mohammed300320211121. “You don’t ever get to see the fun side of the Taliban. I can’t wait until I turn 18 and I can join! ALLAH-AKBAR!”
“Ask The Barracks Lawyer” is your semi-regular column giving expert legal advice to military members. The Barracks Lawyer is Private First Class Evan Rodriguez – currently stationed at Separations Platoon, Camp Pendleton, CA. Rodriguez has achieved the rank of Corporal once, Lance Corporal three times, and Private First Class eight times.
DEAR BARRACKS LAWYER: I just joined the Marine Corps only a few months ago. I went to boot camp and now I’m at the School of Infantry. The instructors are always yelling at me and I really don’t like it here. What should I do? -GOTTA GET OUT at Camp Pendleton, CA
DEAR GOTTA GET OUT: Hey bro, seriously, I know exactly what you are going through. That’s some bullshit they are yelling at you. Listen, you don’t have to take that stuff. Them yelling at you is clearly hazing and its against the UCMJ. First thing you do is go directly to your Commanding Officer — don’t let the Sergeants or Staff Sergeants try to tell you that you need to use the chain of command, that’s a lie.
So when you go to your CO, tell him you want to request mast for hazing. If he doesn’t take you seriously, you can always say that you were molested as a kid or something too. He’ll probably give you some paperwork to fill out. Make sure you use better wording than “yelling.” Try “the instructors are extremely combative” or they were “verbally hazing me.”
If all else fails, say you refuse to train. If they try to kick you out with a bad discharge or something, don’t worry about it. My buddy Eddie says that all you gotta do is write your Congressman and they upgrade it to Honorable. Just takes a couple weeks. Trust me.
DEAR BARRACKS LAWYER: I screwed up man. I was home on leave and I smoked some weed at a party. I know they are going to piss test us when we get back. Is there anything I can do? – IVAN DRUGO at Fort Lewis, Washington
DEAR IVAN DRUGO: Hey man, it’s totally cool. You’ll be fine man… listen. All you gotta do is drink a lot of Vitamin Water, Gatorade, and I think Tomato juice and that stuff will get flushed right out. My cousin John says that all you need to do is drink all that and brush your teeth a lot and you should be good.
If it doesn’t work and somehow you end up popping on the test, don’t sweat it. I popped once, went to court martial and everything. Those tests are only like 38% accurate so they can’t really prove it.. plus you just have your JAG lawyer attack the guys that administered the test and say that they really didn’t see you piss in the cup and they mixed them up in the box and you’ll get off no problem.
Got a question for the Barracks Lawyer? Submit yours anonymously — whatever it is — to [email protected] and it may be answered next!
BAGHDAD, IRAQ – Legislators from the Iraqi Government and officials at the Pentagon confirmed today that all US military veterans that participated in Operation Iraqi Freedom would be eligible to receive a new decoration on behalf of the grateful Iraqi people: the Kurdish-Iraqi-Levantine Liberation Medal of Excellence.
“We’ve been debating the merits of a liberation medal ever since 2003,” said acting Iraqi Minister of Defense Saadoun al-Dulaymi, “but somehow it never made the top of our priority list until now.”
Showing reporters the original document from 2003 authorizing a liberation medal, al-Dulaymi made a half-hearted effort to cover up the dozen bullet holes and large piece of shrapnel embedded in the paper.
When asked if the dark red stain along the bottom of the document was blood, al-Dulaymi shrugged and said, “Probably.”
The medal features a series of concentric circles representing the eight years of liberation, occupation, advisory, offensive, consolidation, transition, counteroffensive, reconsolidation, readvisory, and fuck-it-it’s-good-enough periods by the US military in Iraq.
According to al-Dulaymi, the Iraqi government will initially mint 3,142 medals, one for every day the American military was in Iraq following its official liberation on May 1, 2003, and present them to a select special group of Americans at a public rally in Baghdad.
To cut down on costs, the medals will be made out of leftover piping from Fallujah’s incomplete sewer system, and produced in neighboring Iran.
Iraqi lawmaker and former insurgent leader Muqtada al-Sadr praised the United States for its role in removing Saddam Hussein, but expressed disappointment that the award ceremony would initially only be attended by American servicemembers.
“What about the British or the members of contractor groups like Blackwater who all played such an important role in Iraq’s recent history? We should be able to give them our personal message of thanks, too!”
Even more importantly, Al-Sadr noted that the medal makes no mention of the countless Iraqis who worked for the United States.
He recently introduced a bill in the Iraqi parliament to give a full pension and medical benefits to all Iraqis who served as American intelligence sources as soon as the US government provides Iraq with their names.
Other Iraqis are even more excited.
“I am very happy to see our American friends again,” said Mohammed Abdullah, showing off scars he received during his three months in Abu Ghraib prison.
Abdullah, who later found work as an interpreter for the US Army, spoke to reporters from neighboring Jordan where he now lives as a refugee.
“I am only disappointed that my parents, six brothers, and two sisters will not be here to see them as well, may they all rest in peace.”
Currently the Iraqi parliament is debating whether to hold the initial awards ceremony in Fallujah or Sadr City, the two municipalities which described themselves as “most touched” by the American military.
Competition between the two areas has been extremely fierce, with over 500 Iraqis killed in just the initial voting period.
Following the ceremony, entertainment will be provided by the magic of Dawud Muhammad.
In part two, RTT-CQB Man gives a period of instruction on Halloween.
Islamabad, Pakistan - New details have emerged from the Pakistani government around the fate of Shakil Afridi, the doctor who helped the U.S. in tracking down Osama bin Laden.
Most U.S. observers say that Afridi’s imprisonment is a result of his involvement with the U.S., but Pakistani officials have said that the doctor was a “con-artist and a fraud.”
Firdos Ashiq Awan, Pakistani Minister of Information & Broadcasting, appeared on al Jazeera to set the record straight.
“Shakil Afridi is in prison because he has defrauded the people of Pakistan — plain and simple,” said Awan. “We absolutely love our friends in the U.S. but this is a separate matter.”
According to Awan, the doctor’s legal problems are a result of insurance fraud — and not in any way connected with his helping of the United States. She went on to say that where Bin Laden was located wasn’t even in Pakistan.
“Abbottabad isn’t even in our country. It’s completely independent. Kind of like Vatican City.”
Mutual of Azzaria Health Insurance Company initiated an investigation in September 2011 after review of Dr. Afridi’s claim for services rendered to Bin Laden on May 5, 2011.
After careful review of the claim, it was determined that the doctor had sent one of his nurse assistants and charged the insurance company for personal services. Further complicating the matter was the fact that Bin Laden was killed by US Navy SEALS on May 2, three days prior to the claim. Mutual of Azzaria notified the Minister of Health of probable fraud by the doctor.
The Minister was outraged by the doctor’s actions.
“This was just one more nail in my coffin,” he said, referring to Parliament’s vote in June 2011 to amend the constitution to eliminate the Department of Health. Facts of this incident were rewritten by the Health Minister to say the doctor was working for the CIA, thereby deflecting attention away from another case of wide-spread fraud within the country’s health system.
When news of the coverup was leaked to the Washington Post, the Pakistani Ministry of Information went on the offensive.
“The obvious twisting of facts of this incident is a blatant attempt by the Minister of Health to cover up insurance fraud and try to keep his job,” said Awan. “Furthermore, no doctor in the world makes house calls, except on that TV show in the United States.”
President Asif Ali Zardari was happy at the outcome of the investigation — feeling vindicated after harsh actions from the Obama administration.
“The evidence supports the insurance fraud claim since the Doctor was sentenced to only 33 years in prison,” said Zardari. “Hell, if he had been involved in treason, we would have beheaded the bastard and just told the U.S. he tripped and fell on an axe.”
Marines in Iraq performing the “Cha-Cha” Slide. Your tax dollars hard at work.
FORT SAM HOUSTON, TX — The leadership of US Southern Command is struggling to explain recent and mysterious murders in the uncharted jungles of South America.
US military construction in the regions of Honduras and Guatemala has nearly doubled in the last two years under the auspices of the drug war, despite protests from several ruling governments in the region.
The increase in activity has led to frequent clashing between American troops and drug traffickers in Guatemala, Nicaragua, Ecuador and Belize — yet the rigors of counter-narcotics operations seem to pale in comparison to the newest threat.
Command Sergeant Major of United States Army South’s Honduras unit, CSM Alex Fossum, was hesitant to release any information about the attack, as the G-2 Intelligence section is still struggling to piece together the information they’ve gained.
“We had sent out a small squad on a routine patrol, in the hopes of snagging a few kilos of cocaine,” said Fossum, between sips of putrid coffee, in an interview yesterday. “Nothing special; we do it all the time. However, they failed to return from the mission. After repeated attempts to contact them, we sent out another squad to recon their last known position…”
Fossum stares off into the distance for a moment, the sorrow and confusion in his eyes painfully evident.
“They found them alright. Strung up from trees by their ankles, completely skinned. Some of them were missing skulls and spinal columns. They were just left there. We’ve seen those drug lords do some horrible things, but this is an entirely new level of nasty.”
Reluctant to tell any more, Fossum stated simply before concluding the interview, “the thing is, there’s something out there, and it ain’t no man.”
Leading the squad that discovered the mutilated corpses was Sergeant First Class Jeffrey “Dutch” Breckner, who was similarly jolted by the incident.
“After we cut the bodies down, we began to do a perimeter scan, for anything that might lead to the apprehension of the enemy,” said Breckner.
“We move, 5 meter spread, no sound. Three hours of digging through underbrush later, all we found was some sort of mask, covered in a bright green glowing fluid. Wasn’t like any standard issue military equipment I’ve ever seen before, but it seemed to be some sort of advanced thermal imaging unit. I couldn’t read the chickenscratch in the LEDs, but it looked like Chinese to me. Maybe the chinks [sic] are working with the narcos now?”
United States Army South’s G-2 denied any claims that the mask was in fact Chinese, as confirmed by their linguistics experts. The experts were unable to decipher it, just staring blankly at the nine-decimal system code.
CIA operatives who appeared on scene shortly after the incident were quick to confiscate the device and offered no explanation as to what significance the mask held. After debriefing SFC Breckner, they confirmed that the neon green fluid discovered on the mask was actually blood, and insisted that “if it bleeds, we can kill it.”
The CIA team also ordered the squad to get to the chopper so a full debrief could be conducted but they have not yet returned.
A Marine Close Quarters Battle Ninja teaches the proper methods for speed reloading and “slaying bodies.”
The incident near Camp Horno involving a Private First Class and a Corporal happened last Friday evening. Some believe it was just a simple mistake on the part of the NCO, but others claim it was done out of pure anger.
On July 20th, 2012, Corporal Jason Valdez of 1st Battalion, 4th Marines—who was corporal of the guard that night—was walking near Basilone Road when he spotted a “suspicious male” walking towards the barracks later identified as PFC Terrell Washington, 18, of 3rd Battalion, 1st Marine Regiment.
Washington was wearing a pair of penny loafers, khaki slacks, and a black unit hoodie tucked into his pants.
“I immediately felt there was something wrong with this Marine, considering he was wearing proper libo attire and all,” said Valdez.
Corporal Valdez decided to confront Washington.
“I got up to him and asked him what unit he was with, but he was hesitant to answer me. He had something protruding from his pockets, so I was a little scared because I didn’t know what it was.”
Valdez claims that PFC Washington then turned around and started walking away from him.
“I raised my voice and told him to stop,” said Valdez. “Then he turned around and said something really lippy to me, something about him just coming from training at the pool, which seemed really doubtful to me because… you know. I immediately took that as an affront to my leadership and began chewing him out.”
Witnesses say they could hear Valdez yelling at Washington all the way from the south end of the camp.
“It was extremely loud,” said Lance Corporal Dustin Ball of 1/4. “We all came out of our barracks rooms and saw the one Marine yelling at the other. We couldn’t believe what we were witnessing.”
Following the ass chewing in which Washington was visibly shaken after standing at parade rest for more than five minutes, it was revealed that the suspicious items Washington was carrying was a can of Busch Light and a tin of Cherry Skoal.
“He just didn’t want to get into trouble,” says Washington’s roommate, PFC Gary Shaw. “That’s why Terrell was walking away. He didn’t want to get NJP’ed [non-judicial punishment] for underage drinking. Corporal Valdez completely overreacted. Rankism is still alive and well out here.”
Shaw’s defense of his roomate seems to correlate with the overall sentiment of the non-rate community. The recent incident has revived the long debate about rank in the Marine Corps, with the non-rate community vocally angered about this latest ass chewing. Sales of Busch Light and Cherry Skoal have skyrocketed in many PX’s on Marine Corps installations as the junior Marine community has come together to demonstrate solidarity with Washington.
But recent polls show that many members of the NCO community are coming to the side of Corporal Valdez.
“Look, Corporal Valdez had every right to stand his ground and chew that fuckin’ boot out,” said Sergeant Jeff Choi of 3rd Light Armored Reconnaissance Battalion. “I know if it was between maintaining the good order of the Corps and appealing to the sensitivities of a boot, I’d choose discipline without question.”
In the wake of the mounting tension between the NCO and non-rate communities, many officers are stressing to their Marines that they must show caution and avoid jumping to any conclusions.
“The only people who know what really happened were PFC Washington and Corporal Valdez,” says 1st Lieutenant Seth Tracewski of 2nd Tank Battalion. “We can’t jump to any conclusions. Not everything is black-green and white-green, sometimes it’s just gray-green. We have to let NCIS do their investigation and have trust in the UCMJ. Justice will prevail.”
While many of PFC Washington’s fellow boots have been eager to paint their comrade as your average junior Marine who’s never done anything to harm anyone, recent facebook photos showing Washington posing in the field at the School of Infantry give a different impression.
In one photo, Washington appears in full uniform, clutching an unloaded SAW with a BFA on it.
“You see that?” asks Sergeant Choi. “That doesn’t seem to me like the badass Marine everyone is making him out to be. Who the fuck tries to look moto with a BFA on their rifle?”
Regardless, there has been a public outcry among non-rates concerning investigators’ unwillingness to court martial Valdez. Many are calling for brig time.
Lt. Tracewski adds: “This whole incident has caused a lot of tension between my Marines. It just seems like the Marine Corps will always struggle with the question of rank and what to do. And while we’re all sitting here on the sidelines giving our opinions on the matter, we forget that the biggest travesty was two Marines lost their innocence that day.”
A significant change is coming to the Army Physical Fitness test: the push-up is being replaced by the Adho Mukha Svanasana pose, also known as the downward facing dog.
The change was suggested and implemented by Arow-Bicks Defense Fitness Technologies, a fitness company contracted by the DoD to improve the current PT test.
“The Army was really concerned about a high incidence of shoulder injuries resulting from push-ups,” said Brendan Waggins, the Arow-Bicks manager in charge of the PT improvement program. “To address their concerns, we decided to take out push-ups altogether and implement the downward dog.”
The 38-year-old Waggins, with a slight build accentuated by a form-fitting tye-dyed shirt and black spandex capri pants, demonstrated the new exercise in front of a room of reporters. He got down on the floor on his hands and knees, took a deep breath, and then pushed his body up into a rigid “L” shape.
“Notice how taut my buttocks are initially, and how loose they become as I settle in to the pose,” Waggins said. “This position will help soldiers keep their hips loose, which will prevent injuries and also allow them to be receptive vessels for the sun god Surya.”
Waggins went on to lecture about holistic technologies currently in the experimentation phase, included the placement of energy crystals on dog tags, and viewing auras.
“Yeah man, the crystals will provide a natural barrier against dark energies emitted from the enemy,” claimed Waggins as drinks a wheatgrass shot. “Soldiers that have excelled in the basic practices of Surya Yoga are even being taught how to view one’s aura, which is an excellent tool in determining good and evil, effectively breaking through the fog of war.”
Duffel Blog investigative correspondents attempted to contact the U.S. Army Physical Fitness Center and School about what to expect in regards to scoring standards, but only received an off-site voice recording stating that all electronic devices have been banned from the center [Temple] due to the possible inteference of natural flowing ambient energy fields, and that those olive drab foam sleeping pads will now serve a dual function as a Yoga mat.
CAMP PENDLETON, CA — Troops running and singing cadence is a familiar scene at bases across the world, but one Marine says the cadence really needs to end.
Corporal Jason Andreesen is assigned to the famed ‘Dark Horse’ battalion of 3rd Battalion, 5th Marines.
“Every morning I have to wake up, put on my silkies and glowbelt and think ‘Well, here we go again’,” says Andreesen.
His reluctance for physical training (PT) comes not from exertion, but from the cadences that his squad mates usually choose. One in particular is referred to as the “Vegetable Cadence.”
“I mean, I thought it was kind of funny back when I first heard it,” says Andreesen, “but that was before I met Sarah. She’s my dream girl.”
Sarah is Andreesen’s wife of three years — who miraculously survived a car crash last year despite losing all her arms and legs and putting her into a coma.
As he runs along with his squad, Andreesen wearily waits for it to come up. Sgt. Wilton Chambers leads the cadence, shouting “Left right ley-o…”
The Corporal happily repeats it back with the rest of his squad, but then his fears are realized at the Sergeant’s next verse.
“My girl’s a vegetable, she lives in a hospital … but I would do anything … to keep that bitch alive, yeah!”
Corporal Andreesen says that “the first half isn’t terrible”, but he repeats the rest back amid tears and sweat.
“She’s got her own TV and it’s called an EKG!” barks Sergeant Chambers.
“I mean seriously. This is fucked up. They all know about Sarah,” says Andreesen. “Yeah, so she has no arms and legs but I mean, I’ve never pulled the plug to watch her choke. I love her.”
Other Marines in the squad say that they’ve found the “chink in his armor” and just continue to attack it.
“We’re in the infantry. We talk shit. When we find weakness in someone, we do not stop,” says Lance Corporal Miguel Rodriguez. “It’s too much fun.”
“I really just wish that we could sing a much better cadence that everyone would love,” says Andreesen after he again repeats that he’d ‘do anything to keep that bitch alive’. “I recommended the ‘cocksucker, motherfucker, eat a bag of shit’ cadence, but the two gay guys in the platoon got all pissy about it.”
Others in the squad say that Andreesen is getting “butthurt for no reason.”
“I don’t really see the problem,” says Corporal Evan Winters. “I mean, Lance Corporal Troy fucks pumpkins and he seems just fine with it.”
After their run returned to San Mateo, the squad continued to bicker about whether pumpkins were vegetables or fruit.
KANDAHAR , AFGHANISTAN — As the exit strategy for America’s ten-plus year war in Afghanistan begins to gain traction, commanders on the ground are surging ahead and ensuring Afghan security forces take the lead on all aspects of operations.
Lieutenant Colonel Mike Wolfton, a battalion commander in southern Kandahar, believes that his groundbreaking methods are the secret to success in the wartorn nation.
“It’s really simple,” says LTC Wolfton. “For example, when we issue out two truckloads of supplies to the ten Afghan soldiers we have here at the base, we just have the Afghans grab the boxes first and hand them to the Americans, who load their truck for them. Then we send up a storyboard with a picture and a caption that reads: Afghans issue supplies to US troops.”
Many of the photos of Afghan forces leading the way end up making their way onto Facebook and other social media sites.
“It’s actually quite easy. We do that for everything around here. Ammunition, fuel, clothing. Whatever they need. We even had a US soldier get hit by a mortar, and after our Medics had bandaged him up, a couple Afghan contractors came over and squatted next to him for pictures. We put that one up on the ISAF page with ‘Afghan partners evacuate wounded Americans!’ for a caption.”
Wolfton says that the Afghans really love his “aggressive public relations strategy.”
“It really makes them feel like they’re taking ownership of the fight,” says Wolfton with a smile. “Every two days their squad comes back for a few more weeks of supplies, and we get great pictures to send to higher. It’s really a win-win.”
The commander grins as he thumbs through an impressive pile of over 200 storyboards on his desk.
“Regional Command South has really focused on our area as well. The status bubble on our unit’s PowerPoint slide has been green every night for the last 4 months during the General’s update brief, and people have really taken notice. The General likes seeing green on his slides. Just this morning I was talking to an old Academy friend of mine who’s a commander in RC East. He was tired of getting his ass chewed for not having a green bubble, and was real excited to learn how we do business down here.”
Wolfton also has other examples of successful strategies he’s implemented.
“The guidance we had when we first got in theater was that we wouldn’t patrol without ANSF partners, but even that didn’t seem to get the job done. Villagers were still complaining that they didn’t like to see Americans with the Afghan troops. Now we just follow them in our Strykers, weapons unloaded of course.”
Captain Derek Freedman, a company commander in the battalion, says LTC Wolfton “knows how to get the job done.”
“We had a negligent discharge about a month ago, and even though it didn’t hit anyone, a little girl playing nearby was scared, and the Colonel said we definitely couldn’t have that. Since he instituted the ‘unloaded’ weapons status outside the wire we’ve heard nothing but good things from the locals. To avoid any confusion the platoons now have to call up to the TOC and get permission before they load their weapons.”
LTC Wolfton says his new weapons procedures are “working out great” along with his further guidance to troops in the field.
“We’ve also gotten rid of the controversial compound searches. Before, we’d have to let the ANSF search buildings, but we would always send in US troops to watch them. This obviously sent the wrong message, so now they go it alone. I really think we’ve come a long way. Last week my PSD [Personal Security Detail] took fire from a grape hut about 100 meters east of the road. I told my men to get down in their vehicles and try to avoid looking threatening, since their seemed to be lots of villagers on the hilltops with radios and binoculars. The ANA bravely went right up to the building and cleared it. Their commander came back and personally assured me that there was no one in the grape hut.”
“And he would know! The commander actually lives in that village.”
Wolfton says his trust in his Afghan partners’ is “unbreakable.”
“Next week we’re planning a big battalion operation. We’re even going to have an ANA led rehearsal. The S-3 shop has already written their scripts for them, and we’re translating the operational CONOP into Dari and Pashtu, along with our timelines. Two days before the operation we’re going to airdrop them over our entire AO, to ensure that civilians have the maximum amount of time to get ready for our mission. We don’t want them to feel surprised or threatened in any way.”
Unfortunately, the interview ended abruptly when the Afghan Kandak commander came into the office to take a picture sitting at the Colonel’s desk signing American award forms.
“Ask Top” is your semi-monthly advice column where you can get the answers to the burning questions you always wished you could ask. Our resident First Sergeant has been in every infantry battle since Vietnam and has banged more quiff than all of you numb-nuts put together.
His hobbies include chewing ass, laughing at Second Lieutenants, killing people with his bare hands, and telling soldiers to get their damn hands out of their pockets.
DEAR TOP: I’m new to the infantry and my battle buddies told me that CLP is awesome for flogging the dolphin. It does say lubricant in the name, so I think it might be legit, but wanted to get a second opinion from someone who has been in for a while. -HAND SOLO at Joint Base Lewis-Chord, Washington
DEAR HAND SOLO: Why is one of my goddamn soldiers out there jerking off like a sad son of bitch? You should be out there on the town banging chicks so fast you shouldn’t even have the time to pull your pants up. When I was a young soldier back in ’66, pussy was practically being thrown at my face! Even protest hippie chicks were down for it.
Now some will say it was because I sometimes waved my .45 sidearm in their face after drinking half a bottle of Jack Daniels — but that’s a bunch of crap. I know deep down they were patriotic Americans that want to support the troops the best way they know how — by hopping on the old pogo stick and enjoying the ride.
Now that being said — if you still need to PT your little soldier — your goddamn battle buddies are spot-on. Amateurs use Axe body wash but it tends to leave a bit of a rash. That CLP is one of the best kept secrets in our big green machine. Best lube for masturbation in the world and keeps your dick clean at the same time.
DEAR TOP: I am a thirty-something civilian with an itchy trigger finger and a halfway decent beard. Can I go over there and help you guys kill some terrorists? Thanks. -DISGRUNTLED TERRORIST-HATING PATRIOT in Boston, MA
DEAR DISGRUNTLED TERRORIST-HATING PATRIOT: Oh that’s really cute. You want to help us kill terrorists but your ass doesn’t go over to the nearest recruiting office and sign the fuck up? Where have I heard this one before.. oh yeah..
I’m on R&R from ‘Nam back in ’68. I’m sitting in some bar in Fayetteville. Some civilian comes up to me and wants to talk – starts asking me questions. Finally he says, “Yeah, I always wanted to join but you know…”
I said, no, I don’t know fuckstick. What are we suddenly brothers all of a sudden? You thought about cutting off enemy heads while I was actually doing it? I don’t think so dickwad.
So anyway — back to your original question. The answer is absolutely. You can come on over. Go down to your nearest recruiting office, sign up for the National Guard. You’ll have to shave your beard but luckily you can continue to be a fat-ass and the terrorist hunting permit sticker on the back of your truck will now be valid.
Got a question for the Top? Submit yours anonymously — whatever it is — to [email protected] and it may be answered next!
NAVAL BASE KITSAP, WA – Captain Jay Henson made history today, becoming the first African-American officer to take command of the James Madison-class ballistic missile submarine USS Nathan Bedford Forrest (SSBN-744).
The submarine is named after legendary Confederate cavalryman Nathan Bedford Forrest, widely regarded as one of the most brilliant soldiers in American history, but also controversial because of his involvement in the slave trade and his postwar role as the founder of the Ku Klux Klan.
The change of command ceremony was held at Naval Base Kitsap in Washington State, home port of the Forrest. Captain Henson read from remarks prepared by the ship’s Public Affairs Officer (PAO).
“Well I’ve been commanding a desk at the Pentagon for the past few years, so it’s great to be in command again, even if it is the old Nate, or as her crew likes to call her, the … um … the Grand Old Wizard of the Sea.”
“I look forward to working with you all, especially since we’ve got a tough deployment ahead of us.”
“Like her namesake, the crew of the Forrest has a take-no-prisoners attitude and they don’t see the world in black and white. With excitement burning, we cross from the normal routine of garrison to a tough few months as we patrol the Persian Gulf to protect our nation’s … precious … black … cargo.”
At this Captain Henson paused to wipe the sweat off his brow. Glaring at his PAO and clenching his remarks, he continued.
“Submarines are critical to winning the wars of today and tomorrow, allowing us to ‘git there the firstest with the mostest’, as General Forrest liked to say.”
“And, like General Forrest also liked to say, ‘Don’t throw a rope over a tree until … you … can … hang … a — ALL RIGHT, THAT FUCKING DOES IT! EVERYBODY ON THE BOAT!”
At this point Captain Henson decided to cut short his remarks after commenting that the PAO might “enjoy spending the voyage lashed to the periscope.”
From the description: In this video a entry team is being lead by a Cadet. The cadet is supposed to employ a hand grenade simulator to kill the mock enemy, but instead he kills his team.
Washington, D.C. – The Pentagon has released a preliminary artist rendering showing a chart of the proposed military spouse ranking system. The chart released late last night reflects ranks set forth by the Pentagon under the newly formed Spousal Code of Civilian Justice, with the ranks of S-1 through S-9.
The Pentagon has still not yet released a decision as to whether officer wives would be allowed an official spousal rank.
Vehicle stickers are already being printed for use on spousal POV’s so they can receive their due respect, along with a spousal rank chart to educate the force (Stickers can be purchased by clicking on the photos below).
Every platoon has one. Here’s one from Norway.
The protestors, from People For The Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) have been holding a protest near the base for over a week against the use of the terms “Leatherneck” and “Wooly-Pully.”
PETA spokesman have deemed the terms offensive and say they “promote animal abuse.”
“These words that the Marines use are absolutely horrible,” said Jean Richards, a PETA activist. “We will not stand by and let these people continue to promote the killing of animals.”
Although no one understands how or why, the mild and peaceful protests soon escalated into chaos.
PFC Anthony Smith, a Marine Private currently attending the School of Infantry, reported that he was attacked while attempting to leave base. His t-shirt, which had “Leatherneck” written across the front, became a walking bullseye.
Luckily he was able to avoid the red paint they attempted to cover his neck with, saying that he employed “a little move, block, strike, and a little improvise, adapt, and overcome. Oh three hundred, Ooh-rah!”
But it wasn’t just the Marines being attacked.
PETA militants also have said that Marines were throwing hard boiled eggs and hot dog water at them. Some even claim to have been beaten with long pieces of meat byproduct.
PETA protesters turned to what they called their only defense. Using out-of-tune acoustic guitars, the crowd sang songs of animal triumph over human oppression.
Both civilian and military police worked together to break up the melee because no one could stand the horrible PETA music any longer.
Peace talks have started, with top Marine brass explaining that leather hasn’t been used around the neck of a Marines uniform since long before PETA existed. Former CENTCOM Commander General James Mattis also joined in the discussion, saying that the protestors “should just go fuck themselves.”
The term “Leatherneck” will continue in service due to an old grandfather clause that was produced faster than a a set of dummy orders. “Woolly-pully,” the term for a Marines’ dress sweater, is still under review. A few of the more popular choices of terms for the sweater include: “hot-n-cotton”, “stitchy-itchy”, and “polyester-molester.”
While the debate over the terms continues to rage, other groups have been inspired by the protestors. A group called “Irish Respect Association” has called for the Marine Corps to stop using the term “Irish pennants.”
They have sent in numerous photographs of their clothing, clearly showing no loose threads hanging as the term suggests.
This actually comes from one of our awesome fans at the USO in Afghanistan. Choreography like whoa.
Mogidishu, Somalia - One of the most notorious American-born terrorists — who many believed to be dead — has resurfaced, looking for attention from Hollywood, and the possibility of moving on from his jihad.
Omar Shafik Hammami aka Abu Mansuur al-Ameriiki recently published the first part of his autobiography, detailing his road from a wayward youth in Alabama to a wanted terrorist in Somalia. He has also posted a video on You Tube confirming he was still alive as of May.
It may seem something of suicidal to expose himself in such a way, but as our crack team of investigators at TDB has discovered, Hammami just really wants “an out”, as he calls it.
Interview With An American Terrorist
Hammami agreed to meet with one of our Somali surrogates, but nonetheless seemed nervous, constantly glancing at the phone throughout the interview.
“Do you think he’ll call?” he asks. “Oliver Stone, I mean. Do you think he’ll call? I’ve got a call into his secretary. And his son. I’m hedging my bets.”
But the phone didn’t ring and Hammami just continued, frustrated over the phone’s silence.
Hammami made it plain that he needed an “exit strategy” from al-Shabaab, the al-Qaida-linked group to which he had until recently belonged. The alienated Alabama native who later turned to jihad in Somalia — has few options as a man without a country.
He needed to sell out.
“I have the ultimate rags-to-rags story. I can’t make a living on internet auto-biographies alone. I need to make bank. The muslims will benefit of course. I still give zakat!”
Hammani also spoke about his “epic Hollywood masterpiece in the making.”
“I think Hollywood will leap at my story. They just have to hear it. I’m a self-made man, after all who had it all, minus the success of course. And now because of a simple misunderstanding, it’s over. We could cast Shia LeBouf. True he’s a Jew, but I think I’d be willing to compromise rather than behead the casting director. Give him a fake beard. Why is this hard, honestly?”
No word yet on whether Oliver Stone or his son, in fact called.