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Army Marksman Wins Olympic Gold; Stop-Lossed, Deployed to Afghanistan

LONDON, UK – After a near-flawless performance in the Olympic skeet shooting competition, Army Sergeant Vincent Hancock has been stop-lossed and deployed to Afghanistan.

Army officials have said that they are proud of his back-to-back gold medal performance in the games and look forward to his talents against the Taliban. The Sergeant, who serves with the U.S. Army Marksmanship Unit, was told of his new orders immediately following the medals ceremony.

“He looked distraught as two uniformed men talked to him,” said David Thompson, a spectator at the competiiton. “He just kept shaking his head like ‘no, no, no.’ Finally, he walked off with the two men into a waiting helicopter.”

Although SGT Hancock is set to leave the Army in November, his phenomenal performance prompted the Pentagon to initiate a stop-loss order — a program that is now largely unused by any branch.

“While it is unfortunate that the Army has to use the stop-loss program to keep SGT Hancock, we have to weigh the needs of the Army versus that of the needs of the individual,” said Army Liaison Major John Wittick. “Every officer in the Army was watching that skeet match and holy hell, he shot a full house for a second gold in row! Of course we can’t let this guy leave, he’s got way to much talent at shooting… things to let him go. He’ll be vital to our new PR campaign that’s set to win us the war in Afghanistan.”

When asked about his current assignment at Kandahar Air Field, SGT Hancock was unsure of what he would be doing.

“It’s just me and my shotgun… I don’t know what the fuck I’m supposed to be doing. I’ve been sent out on what I guess are foot patrols into the surrounding villages,” said Hancock. “Every time I come in contact with the enemy, all the grunts around me are just going ‘oooh, ahhh’ as I pop one Taliban after another and speed-reload my two shot 12-gauge. Seriously, who the fuck thought this was a good idea?”

Major Whittick informed the Duffel Blog that these are not “foot patrols” as SGT Hancock described, but “Public Relations Patrols,” the purpose of which is to showcase the Olympian to the Afghans as a sign of goodwill, and to show the best of America.

Some Afghans have said that they are weary of the skeet-shooting phenom.

“The boomstick soldier, he is very scary. When he comes through town I always tell the children to run inside so I can shoot at him without distraction,” said Punji Anwar Assad. “Without fail, every time he kills anyone who jumps in the air. I think we need to rethink our strategy and quit jumping so much or some shit.”

Major Whittick has said that SGT Hancock is slated to return to the U.S. and civilian life “as soon as the Army is done with him.”

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Jon Cub Mullins
Guest
2 years 28 days ago

I’m glad he’s there to keep the Taliban grounded, but if they start hopping like rabbits I’m sure our gold medalist will blow them to orange bits

Matthew Del Rossi
Guest
2 years 7 months ago

Really. Stop loss him.

Craig Frint
Guest
2 years 7 months ago

Damn it…just made me spit my beer and lee myself!

Anonymous
Guest
2 years 7 months ago

i love the satire, people who shoot for the AMU are not really soldiers. really more sport shooters out of high school sponsored by the Army. about as useful to winning a war as a NASCAR team.

Jason D Sousley
Guest
2 years 7 months ago
On Sgt Hancock’s last patrol he was quoted as saying: “All right you primitive screwheads, listen up. See this? This is my BOOM STICK! It’s a 12-gauge double barreled Remington. S-Mart’s top of the line. You can find this in the sporting goods department. That’s right, this sweet baby was made in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Retails for about a hundred and nine ninety-five. It’s got a walnut stock, cobalt blue steel, and a hair trigger. That’s right. Shop smart. Shop S-Mart. Ya got that! Now I swear. The next one of you primates even touches me…….”
wpDiscuz

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