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Ask a Public Affairs Officer is a semi-regular column highlighting the best and brightest in the public relations field: Military PAO’s, who specialize in dodging the tough questions, spinning the worst, and hoping for the best.

My fucking wife is sleeping with my best friend. I caught the two of them when I came home from work. What do I do?

Thanks so much for your question. Marriage is a wonderful and thousands-of-years’ old institution. Our military fully supports it, even in these trying times.

What do you make of these green-on-blue attacks happening lately in Afghanistan?

I’m honored to be among the men and women who make up our amazing military. Each and every day, they fight for freedom, mentor and support our Afghan partners, and help a grateful nation under the excellent leadership of President Hamid Karzai.

My barracks is completely screwed. There’s sewage seeping in everywhere. Toilets are broken. This place should be condemned. Will this ever be fixed?

For years, we have been improving barracks across the military and quality of life has gone up substantially. While many of our grandfathers may have had to live in tents, our troops today are lucky to be living in wonderful barracks with numerous amenities. They are practically like college dorm rooms.

I’m going to fucking kill myself right now. I’ll do it. I have a gun in my hand at this moment.

Suicide is of course one of the Department of Defense’s top priorities. Our thoughts and prayers are with your family during the imminent mourning period. However, with the creation of our DSTRESS program, we hope to fight this troubling trend in the future.

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If you have a question for the PAO, ask yours by tweeting to @TheDuffelBlog or sending an email to mailbag@duffelblog.com.

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