General Mattis Crashes RNC, Shreds On Triple-Neck Guitar For Grunts In Helmand

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General Mattis during his guitar solo outside the Republican National Convention. Initial reports have speculated that 18-38 protestors were killed by his performance.
TAMPA, FL - The Republican National Convention was unexpectedly interrupted last night during Mitt Romney’s acceptance speech by an extremely loud guitar solo from CENTCOM Commander General James Mattis.

After having personnel from his headquarters at nearby MacDill Air Force base set up speakers, amplifiers, and a stage outside the convention center, Mattis began “ripping it” on his custom, triple-necked electric guitar which he named “Shock and Awe”.

The unexpected appearance was made in response to a challenge issued by Ted Nugent, who was scheduled to play the venue.

“I hear he’s good with a gun, but can he do this?” Nugent said as he proceeded to grind out a gnarly double handed chromatic scale at whirling speed.



Mattis arrived on stage, standing erect, on the top of a Bradley fighting vehicle. The vehicle had been retrofitted with a 16th century French pipe organ “to give me the grooviest fill between my solos,” said Mattis.

He then hopped off the vehicle, and three Marines gingerly presented Mattis his signature three necked Stratocaster.

Head down, and holding one fist up, Mattis addressed the crowd, “This one is for my fine young men in Helmand.”

One long sharp note erupted from a string on the third head of the guitar. The note was met with a deafening crescendo from the pipe organ, and in a blur of motion, Mattis lived up to his radio call-sign of “Chaos”.  Stomping on various pedals, and reeling from neck to neck, Mattis went through a variety of multi-handed techniques which were tied together by a resounding, bass-heavy melody.

General Mattis did not stay to hear himself proclaimed the victor. Instead, he climbed back atop the fighting vehicle and rode off playing a version of Jimi Hendrix’s famed improvisation of the Star Spangled Banner as well as a remixed version of a popular NWA song, which he dubbed “Fuck Da Afghan Police.”

It is unclear if General Mattis will make an appearance at the Democratic Convention to challenge Joe Biden’s son Beau, who will be playing a clarinet solo.

armydave

Dave is a communications wizard of the 4th degree. Having served in Iraq twice, he is pretty good at staring blankly at hesco baskets and getting exhaust samples.