General Mattis Crashes RNC, Shreds On Triple-Neck Guitar For Grunts In Helmand armydave August 31, 2012 Marine Corps 25 Comments Follow Duffel Blog: General Mattis during his guitar solo outside the Republican National Convention. Initial reports have speculated that 18-38 protestors were killed by his performance. TAMPA, FL – The Republican National Convention was unexpectedly interrupted last night during Mitt Romney’s acceptance speech by an extremely loud guitar solo from CENTCOM Commander General James Mattis. After having personnel from his headquarters at nearby MacDill Air Force base set up speakers, amplifiers, and a stage outside the convention center, Mattis began “ripping it” on his custom, triple-necked electric guitar which he named “Shock and Awe”. The unexpected appearance was made in response to a challenge issued by Ted Nugent, who was scheduled to play the venue. “I hear he’s good with a gun, but can he do this?” Nugent said as he proceeded to grind out a gnarly double handed chromatic scale at whirling speed. Mattis arrived on stage, standing erect, on the top of a Bradley fighting vehicle. The vehicle had been retrofitted with a 16th century French pipe organ “to give me the grooviest fill between my solos,” said Mattis. He then hopped off the vehicle, and three Marines gingerly presented Mattis his signature three necked Stratocaster. Head down, and holding one fist up, Mattis addressed the crowd, “This one is for my fine young men in Helmand.” One long sharp note erupted from a string on the third head of the guitar. The note was met with a deafening crescendo from the pipe organ, and in a blur of motion, Mattis lived up to his radio call-sign of “Chaos”. Stomping on various pedals, and reeling from neck to neck, Mattis went through a variety of multi-handed techniques which were tied together by a resounding, bass-heavy melody. General Mattis did not stay to hear himself proclaimed the victor. Instead, he climbed back atop the fighting vehicle and rode off playing a version of Jimi Hendrix’s famed improvisation of the Star Spangled Banner as well as a remixed version of a popular NWA song, which he dubbed “Fuck Da Afghan Police.” It is unclear if General Mattis will make an appearance at the Democratic Convention to challenge Joe Biden’s son Beau, who will be playing a clarinet solo. David Brown says: December 15, 2013 at 6:22 PM Gen. Mattis is the shit! Douglas Fromm says: December 15, 2013 at 6:22 PM Gotta love this shit. Josh Noble says: December 15, 2013 at 6:22 PM After this, Puerto Rico is going to approve statehood this year out of shear fear. Joseph Jr Vanchieri says: December 15, 2013 at 6:22 PM I wonder whose body the Generals head is on? I know that this General has alot more class than to promote this. His men deserve better respect than this. Bill Hicklin says: December 15, 2013 at 6:22 PM ” Joe Biden’s son Beau, who will be playing a clarinet solo” AHHHHHAHAHAHAHA! Ricky Gallardo says: December 15, 2013 at 6:22 PM Legend has it that the tri-necked stratocaster is made of a composite matrix of crushed dinosaur fossils, carbon fiber, and the bones of Teddy Roosevelt. With Triceratops horn inlays on the brazilian rosewood fret board. Erin Wormer says: December 15, 2013 at 6:22 PM I wish this was true, it would be one of the most bad ass moments in Marine Corps history! Too bad the photo is obviously photoshopped. Still sick! Alex Dow says: December 15, 2013 at 6:22 PM That’s not a Stratocaster… Kev Fenton says: December 15, 2013 at 6:22 PM dammit, where’s the youtube link.. I want to see this shit! Michelle Dawn Lotz-Lynch says: December 15, 2013 at 6:22 PM Fuck the Afghan Police…bwaaahhhh Matt Bucher says: December 15, 2013 at 6:22 PM “I’m meeting you halfway, you drugged out hippies!” Zealous Zek says: December 15, 2013 at 6:22 PM This man motivates men. Even the tall tales they tell of him trump those of the pagan gods of our enemies… Andy Wisniewski says: December 15, 2013 at 6:22 PM That’s not how it happened. General Mattis would not show up in some panzy ass ARMY Bradley. He swooped down in the gloriously dangerous Osprey. Crashing into the RNC due to an unresolved design issue (or possibly because it had never been tested to sling load an organ), The crash killed all on board, except of course Mattis. Who proceeded to play a bitching guitar solo and then bash the guitar over the heads of the Boeing Executives (who were present at the RNC trying to pork up their defense contracts) after that he proceeded to strangle the Bell helicopter engineers with the strings. He then endorsed Mitt Romney by saying, well we all know Mitt’s a draft dodging pussy, but at least hes not a pinko commie draft dodging pussy like the one we got. When reminded by the last dying words of a horribly burned and mutilated aide that it was against the UCMJ to endorse a candidate while in uniform he reportedly striped naked on stage and said “Is that fucking pussy Amos happy now? can I get on with my God dam speech?” Water Dog says: September 5, 2012 at 3:50 PM One time I met ole “Jimmy” at the smokeshop next to mickey d’s in 29. Got me so pumped and moto I went across the street and got his name tatted on my lower back Mike P says: August 31, 2012 at 2:47 PM Odd, I can’t find any video of it on Youtube… Lt. Butero-Trinkejo says: August 31, 2012 at 10:52 PM Mike you aren’t putting in the right search field try: Titti Sprinkles!!!! The “I” spelling and four exclamation points are important. Jeremy says: September 2, 2012 at 7:17 PM I searched “Titti Sprinkles!!!!” and all I got was some guy laying on a cot with a copious amount of man boobs with a bunch of kangaroo rats leaving their little gifts behind. Were those chocolate flavored sprinkles? Lt. Butero-Trinkejo says: October 16, 2012 at 7:55 PM The General has been pretty opsec minded since someone screwed up and allowed Gerlado to release plans for his birthday party. Tom Heston says: August 31, 2012 at 1:10 PM If only… Woot Diligence says: August 31, 2012 at 12:23 PM I would have gone to the RNC just to see that. Vince728 says: August 31, 2012 at 10:39 AM This would be awesome. The RNC would have been improved a lot. Ragnar says: August 31, 2012 at 9:13 AM Lame. Not up to the usual quality at all. Lt. Butero-Trinkejo says: August 31, 2012 at 2:56 PM Ragnar how about you take your horn rimmed glasses, PBR, and shitty music noone has hear of some place else so you can ironically hate stuff elsewhere…. TOMAHAWK! TO THE FACE!!!!! Ragnar says: September 4, 2012 at 8:18 AM That was even lamer than the article. Lt. Butero-Trinkejo says: November 2, 2012 at 5:06 PM Well…Ragnar…that was even lamer than your lame comeback to me calling you a hipster. Ha! What you got next? I’m rubber you’re glue?