THE PENTAGON – Both the United States Army and Marine Corps are facing startling allegations of misconduct against millions of military members, including charges of forcible sodomy, according to an announcement from Pentagon officials on Friday.
The charges couldn’t come at a worse time for Pentagon leaders, who are currently facing fallout from an Army General accused of similar crimes.
The Pentagon has refused to elaborate on the nature of the allegations, but victims of abuse have come forward to The Duffel Blog on condition of anonymity.
“They took me in a room,” said one Private First Class amid sobs. “It was dark and I could sense there was a group of them. They were snickering as they put the pen into my hand, made me lean over a table, and then…they made me sign the contract.”
Shortly after the contract was signed, the Private said his recruiter pulled a slender, green object from his desk drawer before saying, “welcome to the jungle.” The object apparently had “Golf-Whiskey” stenciled on its side.
Other victims have detailed recruiters promising candy, huge monetary bonuses, and “not having to deploy since the war was pretty much over” before they were brutally sodomized.
One Marine detailed his extensive abuse throughout his tenure in the Marine Corps.
“I was so excited when I joined up and got my contract to the Air Wing,” said the Lance Corporal, who went into detail on his first experience. “Then halfway through boot camp, my Drill Instructor tells me I’m going to be infantry instead, and I’m still going to be in for five years instead of four.”
He continued: “So then I get to my first unit as a rifleman with 1/1 and I practically got butt-fucked just about every day — working parties, fuck-fuck games, cancelled leave — and not once, NOT EVEN ONCE, did they ever use lube. It was just ram it in over and over. I was pretty goddamn dry on my fourth deployment to Iraq, let me tell you.”
Officials are unclear on what the charges may mean for military branches, but public affairs officials have released guidance to all military news outlets to use “more appropriate terminology when referring to ‘forcible sodomy’.”
“Basically, we want to make sure our reporting is accurate across the force,” said Captain Gene Elliott, with Marine Public Affairs. “So we’re telling our Marines who have been sodomized that that’s not the case — you’ve actually been ‘getting some’, which is in keeping with our warrior spirit and ethos.”
The Captain went on to say that the Army was currently debating the changes they would make to the soldier lexicon, with top suggestions being “getting Hooah-ed” or “Thank you Sergeant, may I have another?”
BAGRAM AIRFIELD, AFGHANISTAN — Tragedy was averted today at one of the largest US military bases in Afghanistan after an Airman successfully stopped a ‘green-on-blue’ attack. Following a trend of attacks on U.S. forces by their Afghan counterparts, an Afghan National Army (ANA) soldier was able to smuggle a weapon onto the sprawling base and opened fire on several Airmen standing in a smoking shack.
Luckily for those present, the ANA soldier’s marksmanship skills were so poorly developed that he missed with all thirty rounds in his magazine, giving the rest of the Airmen a chance to run for cover and Technical Sergeant Ralph Johnson the chance of a lifetime.
He was wearing his 9mm Beretta pistol in a custom-embroidered leather shoulder holster, commonly referred to as a “FOB Bra.”
Typically regarded as the ultimate sign of a true FOB dweller — or someone who never leaves the perimeter of their base while deployed — there has not been a single documented case of a US military member actually engaging anyone with their weapon while wearing the scorned leather harness in almost 12 years of combat operations.
Unfortunately for Johnson, his inexperience with weapons and the fact that he had not removed the pistol from the holster to clean it during the entire four months he’d been deployed eliminated his chances to make history. The rotund NCO attempted to draw his pistol, but the forward sight notch became stuck as he struggled to bring his weapon to bear. At the same time, the ANA soldier, Private Mohammed Gul Mohammed, growled in frustration while he attempted to reload his AK-47, incorrectly inserting the magazine over and over again despite the hours of drills forced upon him by his ISAF trainers. As the sirens of the sprawling airbase’s Quick Reaction Force began to wail, both men glared hatefully at each other, knowing they only had moments left to finish their deadly business.
Finally, Johnson was able to remove his pistol and he smiled triumphantly as he pointed the weapon at his foe, a scant 10 meters away, and pulled the trigger. Nothing happened. Confusion clouded the NCO’s thickly mustached face until he realized that the safety was on.
He quickly corrected the situation, shouting “prepare to get your virgins!” at the still struggling Mohammed.
Misfortune struck the Air Force NCO again when he pulled the trigger and realized that a magazine had not been inserted into the pistol. A cold sweat broke out on the man’s face as he fumbled with the rusted buttons on his harness that hadn’t been opened since he first inserted the ammunition magazines almost four months prior. When Johnson finally removed and seated the magazine properly into the weapon he heard a deadly metallic click. Mohammed had also managed to successfully insert his own 30-round 7.62mm magazine into his AK-47.
Both men raised their weapons simultaneously, and with malice blazing in their eyes, began firing. Rounds cracked off of the concrete blast barriers, thudded into wooden roof supports, and ricocheted off the asphalt road as distant bystanders dove for cover, but neither man was able to hit his opponent.
Army Private Jared Taylor, a witness on the scene, gave his account of the gun battle.
“So I hear all this shooting and I run around the corner towards the smoking area. These two guys are standing there screaming at each other from about twenty feet, blazing away. One was a skinny little Afghan dude who could barely hold his AK while he sprayed rounds all over the place. He couldn’t hit shit. The other guy was this fat-ass Air Force NCO who was trying to shoot his M-9 one handed while he covered his face with the other. I’m pretty sure his eyes were closed the whole time. I’ve never seen anything like it. I just stood there laughing until they ran out of ammo. That’s when I remembered to shoot the Afghan guy in the head with my M-4. He was so close I couldn’t miss.”
For his actions that day, Tech Sgt. Johnson has been awarded the Air Force Commendation Medal.
FOB GERONIMO, AFGHANISTAN – As the light of the full moon shone over the zen garden in back of the company combat operations center, Captain Jaisun Tyson presided over the seppuku, or ritual suicide, of his dishonorable retainer, Corporal Michael Melendez.
Prior to the event, Corporal Melendez had spent several hours in the garden, meditating over his failure to properly ensure that all his junior Marines had completed their Leading Marines MCI and his commanding officer’s subsequent order to “go kill yourself“.
Battalion Sergeant Major John Burke, known throughout the Marine Air Ground Task Force for his skills as a “second”, stood behind Corporal Melendez holding an M1859 non-commissioned officers sword issued to him specifically for the occasion.
Removing his desert digital blouse, revealing a white PT shirt underneath which symbolized the purity of his intentions, Corporal Melendez carefully and meticulously folded the blouse so that only the Eagle, Globe, and Anchor were visible on top.
Corporal Melendez then placed the garment under his knees to ensure that he remained in the proper, dignified position.
Following the assent of Captain Tyson, Corporal Melendez drank the two traditional farewell cups of sake, heated to the customary 98.3 °C in an MRE flameless ration heater.
As there were no virgins located on the base, a local Afghan National Police official had brought his dancing boy to record Corporal Melendez’s death poem, which he dictated to the boy:
The swept office floor,
with the lone ant marching past,
smells like Simple Green.
Though none noticed him but me,
he dragged that bee all the same.
Following the poem, the Company Police Sergeant brought an unlacquered wooden table with Corporal Melendez’ M9 Bayonet.
Handing off his Common Access Card to the Battalion Supply Officer, Corporal Melendez picked up his bayonet, looked wistfully at the garden’s shrine to Colonel Chesty Puller, and seemed to collect his thoughts.
At this point, Corporal Melendez yelled the traditional infantry kiai of “EAS!” and drove his bayonet deep into his left side below the belly.
Slowly cutting upwards diagonally, Corporal Melendez then repeated the process on his right side until his chest bore the crossed rifles that symbolize the rifleman ethic of the Marine infantryman.
Standing behind him, Sergeant Major Burke then brought his NCO sword down in a smooth motion, neatly severing seven-eighths of Corporal Melendez’ neck.
For a moment a silence hung over the garden, broken only by the low gushing sound of blood flowing from the neck and head of the late Corporal Melendez.
Sergeant Major Burke then wiped his sword on an “Honor Courage Commitment” card, which he presented to the Division Sergeant Major, who had flown in from Camp Leatherneck to witness the event.
The dishonored sword was subsequently given to the Afghan National Police official to use on convicts.
Captain Tyson then returned to his ceremony of viewing the heads of junior enlisted Marines taken by his Company First Sergeant in lieu of non-judicial punishment.
FORT HOOD, TX - Following a strange meteorological phenomenon late last night, 2nd Platoon’s connex attained self-awareness and developed a ravenous hunger for the tender meat of the unbaptized.
A connex is a large metal container used by the Army to store and ship large amounts of equipment. 2nd Platoon’s connex typically fit this description until the green meteorites began to fall at approximately 0245 this morning.
“The falling green objects are nothing to be worried about. It was just a MLRS (Multi-Launch-Rocket-System) test which malfunctioned. The Army, and especially us at III Corp, pride ourselves on our readiness,” said public affairs officer CPT John Hawn.
At 0253, a green light drifted down from the cloud cover and entered a locked connex in the battalion motor pool. Shortly thereafter, a low hum could be heard and a bright yellowish light began pulsating from the inside of the metal container. After eleven minutes, the light died, and the metamorphosis was complete. A2NC 1334526H78, as the connex is known on various hand receipts, had come to life.
The change went unnoticed by Military Police who were patrolling the streets adjacent to the motor pool where the connex lurked.
“We were looking for a girl who had stumbled out of the barracks. We got a call about some drunken yelling. You know how these damn soldiers get, but we had to try and make sure nothing happened to any civilians signed on post,” said SGT Williams, the MP on duty that night. “We didn’t find her. Guess she made up with whoever she was squabbling with.”
At that moment, a blood curdling roar emanated from the battalion motor pool. The sound was a combination of metal tearing and the wail of a thousand hell-spawned monstrosities let loose upon the unsuspecting world. After a moment, the noise abruptly stopped. Sources report that Williams looked towards the motor pool, turned back to his patrol car, got in, and sped off in the opposite direction.
The noise awoke SSG Fergesun, who was staying in a nearby barracks room due to recent marital difficulties. Fergesun decided to check out the situation.
“I went in there and looked. I even woke up Private Smith, who was on CQ, to unlock the gate for me. After we fiddled around in there for about twenty minutes, I told him to do another lap, and I went back to bed,” said Fergesun. Private Smith was unavailable for questioning.
The rest of the night, A2NC 1334526H78 waited. The connex was full of tangled wire, broken training equipment, dark thoughts, and a half digested female civilian. When the sun finally rose on the connex, it brought soldiers with it.
“[gurgle]The Suuuun! I knew that was [gurgle] when the man-food would come,” said A2NC 1334526H78.
Unaware of the danger, the company began their usual physical training. Jogging in lines down the road, the company passed within feet of the creature. Yet, the connex continued to wait.
During Preventive Maintenance Checks and Services, few privates had cause to venture toward the dreadnaught. Yet it hungered. Throughout the day, none wandered close enough to the connex’s well laid camo-net-snare-trap. Frustrated with the lack of game, the container’s short temper erupted. Releasing a maddening crescendo, A2NC 1334526H78 reared back and howled. It spread the black leather wings it had inherited from its father, Satan, and took flight. The leviathan then belched black fire down on the unsuspecting. After three passes, A2NC 1334526H78 had laid waste to all in the battalion motor pool.
With long, dramatic sweeps of its wings, the creature flew out of the motor pool, over the gatehouse, and into the city of Killeen, Texas.
There was much gnashing of teeth and mourning.
“Well, needless to say, we wish it wouldn’t have happened,” said CPT Hawn, “but sometimes in these old posts, gas leaks are simply impossible to maintain. It is III Corp’s mission to maintain infrastructure at Fort Hood, and we take that mission very seriously. This was just one of those unavoidable accidents.”
Colonel Andrea Churchill was previously most notable for her distinction as the first-ever female Wing Commander of the electronic warfare-focused wing, based out of Eglin Air Force Base, Florida. However, that changed on Friday when Colonel Churchill briefed the Wing about the possibility of a Reduction in Force during Fiscal Year 2013 and began emphasizing the importance of family for maintaining resiliency during tough times. At the end of her inspiring speech, a man and three children unexpectedly walked on stage and embraced Colonel Churchill, who she later identified as her husband and kids to audible gasps and hushed murmurs from the crowd.
“All I can say is… Wow. I totally didn’t see that coming,” one Airman told Duffel Blog reporters, still looking like he’d been punched in the gut.
Sources close to Colonel Churchill say that she has always been a very private person, preferring to focus on the mission rather than go into details about her personal life while on the job. The vacuum of information left most people to assume what they thought was obvious, based on her short, practical haircut, makeup-free face, and ugly, ill-fitting civilian clothes that she frequently wore during informal morale functions.
“She mentioned her ‘spouse’ once, but, you know, we thought she was referring to her partner,” recalled Captain Brian Nickel, the Wing Executive Officer, using air quotes when he said the word “spouse”.
“She also said something a few times about her three kids, but we thought she was talking about her cats.”
Reactions to the surprising news have been mixed.
“I don’t know if I feel comfortable being around her anymore,” one male Airman, who asked to remain anonymous, admitted. “I mean, every time she looks at me, I’ll wonder if she’s undressing me with her eyes, or doing something sexual to me in her mind.”
Another female Airman shared a markedly different take on the situation.
“I think it took a lot of guts to come out like she did,” Lieutenant Amber Haley said. “Being a straight Air Force Academy grad, I had resigned myself to giggling and flirting my way up the ranks, maybe giving my supervisors a few TDY handjobs to ensure that my performance reports were good enough to reach at least Major, before being forced to retire for lacking critical leadership qualities that only come from having a penis. But Colonel Churchill has blazed a new trail for all of us heterosexual military women out there by saying, ‘you don’t have to carpet-munch your way to the top.’”
WASHINGTON, D.C. – The National Association of Second Lieutenants released a statement and held a press conference today in response to almost universal criticism their members have been receiving from soldiers, Marines, and airmen.
The statement comes on the heels of a controversial change to the military’s promotion scheme.
The group spokesman, Second Lieutenant Jack Brietovich, was late for the press conference due to an apparent problem with his 2006 Hyundai’s GPS system. After he arrived, he then realized that he left the typed statement in his other pants — forcing him to send his driver, PFC Michael Wilson to find it.
The press conference began two and a half hours late, and caused those attending to get stuck in traffic leaving post, miss dinner with their children, and file their reports after deadlines.
Once behind the podium, Brietovitch unfolded a sheet of paper and read casually. “Boo-fucking-hoo,” the statement began, in a mock whiny voice, “I hate the LT soooo much. He makes me go look for things in the conex, and all he ever does is sit around in his little office playing minesweeper on his toughbook. It’s so unfair!”
Lieutenant Brietovitch then dropped his mocking tone and cleared his throat.
“You know what’s not fair? You little shits did two months of basic training. What’s that? Your drill sergeant was mean to you? I went to West Point. Yeah, that’s right. I had three years of upperclassmen yelling at me, treating me like shit, and beating me with broomsticks. That shit went on for four fucking years, and I got a degree in chemical engineering at the same time. How you like that? I tell you what, you don’t know shit until you’re a fucking first year plebe at the military academy.”
“What’s that, you went to college too? Oh, I know you did; its ok. I’m sure that semester and a half at Bumfuck County Community College really taught you a lot about the world. I bet you even know what a thesis statement is. I’m sure that knowledge is really helping with your online classes at University of Maryland University College University School.”
Pausing, Brietovitch glared at those in attendance. Picking a lower enlisted soldier from the room at random, he violently gestured at him with a knife hand.
“Hey Private. . . You! Soldier, come here, hero!” said Brietovitch. “How about you straighten the fuck up and get to buffing these floors?”
Brietovitch then placed the rubber heel of his boot against the floor and drug it across the polished surface, leaving a foot-long scuff mark – all the while staring directly at the private. There was silence in the briefing room.
He turned to readdress the crowd.
“You all just loooove to shit on the butter bar, right? You don’t get your ass eaten by the battalion commander when some private loses a canteen; I do. A goddamn canteen. You think I want that kind of shit to cost so much? You think that I want to be responsible for every screw, nail, and rubber-band that makes an MTOE? No, I don’t. But, I’m an achiever. Like Patton, like MacArthur, Like Colin-mother-fucking-Powell. You know what all those people had in common? They’re all hard-ass, eat up a private and spit em’ out, democracy savin’, nazi killin’ sons a bitches. Oh yeah, all of em – 2 LT’s.”
After this part of the statement, Lieutenant Brietovitch unzipped his pants and placed his testicles on the table next to the podium. With outstretched arms, he addressed the press.
“What? What?” he asked aggressively. “You going to say something, or just salute me? I suggest the latter.”
There were no follow up questions.
CAMP LEATHERNECK - 24 year-old Marine Corporal John Felton from Galveston, Texas died from complacency in Afghanistan last week, according to a statement released by the Department of Defense. He was a radar technician stationed at Camp Leatherneck, the largest Marine Corps base in the country.
A Public Affairs spokesman for the Marine Corps held a press conference because of some unusual details surrounding the tragedy.
“We are still investigating the incident,” Captain Tony White told the assembled group, “but it does appear that the Marine in question died due to complications resulting from complacency. We do not suspect any foul play at this time.”
It’s not entirely clear what the incident means for the war effort, or its medical ramifications for deployed personnel. While many people are shocked, senior enlisted Marines reacted to the news with a noticeable lack of surprise.
“Of course you can die from complacency,” said a Master Gunnery Sergeant who chose to remain anonymous, “I say that to my young Devil Pups all the time. Why in the hell do you think we had all those blast walls spray-painted?”
This may not be the first casualty from complacency either, according to several insider sources. Congress, concerned about unconfirmed reports of complacency deaths, authorized a $42.6 million study on the problem, which is slated for release in early April 2013. It reportedly describes numerous incidents where soldiers, sailors, and Marines mysteriously died on forward operating bases in Iraq and Afghanistan.
What this means for the effort in Afghanistan remains unclear, but Marine Corps leadership is promising swift action.
“Expect to see two or three times as many stenciled signs as you’re used to,” said one senior officer, “and at least one more sign at every main chow hall.”
Preliminary estimates for the safety precautions range from $72 million to well over $100 million.
President Obama also released a brief statement on the White House blog, saying that he promised a global war on complacency. In the statement, he said, “any forward base that continues to harbor and support complacency will be regarded by the United States as a hostile regime.”
CORONADO, CA — In a ceremony yesterday, U.S. Navy SEAL Lieutenant Bryan Able was presented with the Silver Star for bravery, making him the first to receive the award for the use of a prosthetic limb as a weapon.
“I’ve got to say that it feels good to receive this award, but I think any one of my guys would have done this,” said Able. “Well… except for the whole using your leg part, but you get what I’m saying.”
Able is the officer-in-charge of a platoon with SEAL Team One. The young Lieutenant lost his leg in an explosion in 2005, while fighting in Ramadi, Iraq, but he recovered and fought to re-deploy with his men. Last year, his unit was sent to Afghanistan’s volatile Helmand Province.
While applying sunscreen to their bare chests and backs while on a rooftop patrol base, the SEALs apparently came under a ferocious attack from Taliban fighters.
“They opened up with everything they had,” said SO2(SEAL) Michael Davidson. “You can smell these guys a mile away because they have never heard of a shower, but they were so close and the B.O. was so bad, you could practically taste it.”
The investigation of the incident revealed not only the interruption of a scheduled volleyball match in the courtyard, but also extraordinary heroism among the SEALs — including acts above and beyond by their commander.
“If it wasn’t for LT and his leg, we probably would’ve gotten smoked,” said Davidson.
Soon after the Taliban attacked and gained access to the rooftop, Able radioed for support. Unable to thwart the attack, the SEALs then conducted a “badass looking rappel” down the side of the one-story building and extracted to a nearby village.
According to his citation, Able was walking around a mud wall when a Taliban fighter grabbed the muzzle of his weapon — bringing on a hand-to-hand struggle. With his weapon thrown to the dirt and out of reach, the SEAL grabbed his leg and used it as a weapon of opportunity.
“He basically smashed the son-of-a-bitch’s face in,” said Davidson. “Which is pretty awesome, considering some other shithead just like him [the insurgent] gave him that leg.”
The Taliban fighter apparently begged for the SEAL to stop showing the underside of his boot as he was being repeatedly hit in the face, screaming “it’s extremely offensive to my faith” in Arabic.
With the fighter dead from blunt force trauma, Able then propped his rifle on his leg — using it to sight in on the advancing enemy. Giving him a steady shooting platform, the Lt. was able to kill over thirty Taliban fighters and break up the attack.
“This young man is a real hero,” said Admiral Anthony Miliken. “I think his actions show that being a wounded warrior doesn’t mean you can’t still be a great fighter.”
As a result of the incident, Navy Recruiting Command is actively seeking sailors with missing limbs for use in Naval Special Warfare and has further implemented the “prosthetic sniping position” into BUD/S training.
Anonymous sources within the Navy have also said that while Lt. Able is being publicly hailed a hero, he is privately being forced to attend cultural awareness training for showing his boot in ignorance of Islamic customs.
The Army MRAP has been the subject of intense defense budget debates, most of which trend toward austerity. The options have run the gamut of scrapping the 26,000 strong fleet, selling to willing buyers like Israel and Saudi Arabia, or even to re-invading Iraq, with limited success. However, some recent advancement in robotics technology have offered the Pentagon another means of preserving the MRAP fleet as what can only be described as Mine Resistant Ambush Protected Walkers (MRAP-W).
The initial $5.7 million plan from BAE Systems calls for the retro-fitting of 4 heavy armor fifty-foot legs in place of the already gargantuan wheels. There were also new offensive weapons mounted into the front of the walker, so as to provide offensive means both forward and underneath the vehicle. An unnamed official at the Pentagon stated the plan was “the most efficient and bitchin’ thing we’ve seen since the first MRAP rolled off the line.”
The Osh Kosh Corporation is also planning to introduce a smaller Mine Resistant All Terrain Vehicle (M-ATV), a two-legged version for the Marine Corps later this year.
“We’re extremely excited,” said Kevin Fahey, a contractor with U.S. Army Program Executive Office on a recent tour of Red River Depot. “This vehicle has saved a lot of lives. While that was its intended purpose, with the mission in Iraq over and the drawdown in Afghanistan well under way, we had to pull out all the stops to not only save the program, but increase the vehicle’s overall effectiveness, and strike terror into hearts our enemies. That’s a twofer.”
Veteran commanders of the Iraq War are also expressing their optimism. Major General Rick Lynch explained the original 14-ton MRAP was responsible for saving countless Soldier and Marine lives in Iraq. Due to the time consumed in devising Improvised Explosive Devices to counter it, the vehicle allowed Coalition Forces more time to catch them in the act. “Think of the intimidation factor alone,” said Maj. Gen. Lynch. “This will also have all sorts of conventional warfare cross over appeal as well. I wouldn’t want to be a North Korean or Chinese infantryman, if this thing came stalking on to the battlefield. That alone makes it worth the exorbitant cost.”
At the troop level, the old MRAP had received mixed reviews. It’s complex, contractor-only maintenance and increased rollover tendency, not to mention almost uncanny ability to get stuck on undeveloped roads made it the subject of derision — but it’s low casualty rate made it indispensible. The new design however, has the doubters beginning to see the light.
“We didn’t really use it for situations that would entail contact,” said Staff Sergeant Manuel Ramos, an Army Cavary Scout who deployed to Iraq with the 3rd Infantry Division in 2007. “This however, could be a game changer. You’d solve the rollover problem and maybe this trap door in the bottom, with some rappelling line would solve any egress problems. Plus, you’d scare the shit out of people, so right there, you have more offensive capability than the old design.”
There have been some challenges in the early tests of the new MRAPs. The four legged variant suffered a nasty accident, tripping over local power lines. The two legged variant failed to negotiate a rugged terrain course of rolling logs. Neverthless, BAE says it is on schedule to deliver the first MRAP-Ws by Fiscal Year 2025. Osh Kosh Corp. has said their two-legged variant design will be fielded no later than FY 2020.
In a related story from the Taliban, intelligence officials have intercepted recent purchase orders for far less expensive “speeders with harpoons and tow cables” from Iran.
“OK, I know you guys can’t bat .1000, but seriously, don’t just publish everything you find,” complained reader Rich Adams.
“When the article said how the CO held a formation to inform his troops that he was ‘a cock-gobbling ass pirate’ I wasn’t laughing. I was cringing. A real CO would never do that. A real CO would delegate that kind of announcement to his Executive Officer. It’s little mistakes like that which just ruin the piece.”
Other readers, like Jason Souslee, said that it read like a stream-of-conscious posting with no actual literary value.
“This is just a page of pure crap: it has no theme, the spelling and grammar are horrible, and who exactly is Senior Airmen Michael Williams and why does he suck shit through a straw?”
“Around halfway through, the article stops and doesn’t even follow it’s own storyline anymore. It just turns into an anti-Semitic invective against the writer’s CO and ‘Jew Mexico’, whatever that means.”
As usual, several readers somehow managed to take the article literally.
“I think it’s very brave for an Airman to have the courage to tell his men that he is ‘so fucking queer for cancelling libbo’,” said Brian Handy. “He should get a medal!”
“I’m very concerned about an entire unit where all the officers sit around shoving pencils up each others ass every day,” said Michelle Linch. “That could lead to an infection. Seriously, where is their medic?”
Duffel Blog creator Paul said he had done what he could to fix the article.
“At least I got him to remove his last line, ‘I FUCKING HATE ALL OF THEM AND WISH THEY WOULD FUCKING DIE LOLZ ROTFLMAO’, on the grounds that it had nothing to do with either his dick being big or his CO being a fag.”
Paul was unsure how the negative reception would impact tomorrow’s article by Awesomus, which the author titled “All Women In Uniform Are Cock-Sucking Whores”.
CAMP PENDLETON, CA – Legislators and women’s rights advocates are already hailing a new Department of Defense (DOD) policy to combat sexual assault by encouraging rapists to hand out DSTRESS cards to their victims.
DSTRESS is a telephone counseling service and website that troubled service members can contact anonymously.
“For too long the victims of sexual crimes have had to wait hours, even days, before receiving treatment,” said Pentagon spokesman Jonathan Bucher. “However, under our new policy, they will have the ability to seek treatment within seconds.”
The policy is part of an aggressive campaign, called “Five Minutes Is Too Much”, launched by the DOD following revelations that at least 3,000 men and women reported being sexually assaulted in 2011.
The goal is to increase the timely awareness of resources for sexual assault victims immediately following their assault.
For example, one new awareness picture shows a smiling female airmen with three other smiling male airmen standing around her. The caption reads: “Tonight, one or all of these three men will try to rape her. Make sure they have their DSTRESS cards handy!”
In a similar move, the Marine Corps will be turning the Silent Drill Team into the Screaming Drill Team to encourage the reporting of incidents.
Spokesman Bucher said the “Five Minutes Is Too Much” program came about after the DOD concluded there was no practical way to lower sexual assaults in the military.
After several months of brainstorming other possible solutions, such as sexually-segregating barracks, banning alcohol, restricting service members from going to bars, and chemical castration, all were rejected as either unfeasible or unconstitutional.
“One admiral actually suggested a policy used in the Middle East, where the victim is forced to marry the rapist,” added Bucher, although that idea was ultimately discarded “due to the financial constraints of that many people applying at once for Basic Allowance for Housing.”
Also, Bucher said, “we might run into a situation where a male rapes a male or a female rapes a female and all of a sudden we’re endorsing gay marriage.”
The DOD has been struggling to come up with a workable campaign against sexual assault ever since it’s last attempt, dubbed ‘Shine a Light’, in 2011.
That policy encouraged service members not to let intoxicated females go home alone, but inadvertently increased the number of assaults by giving perpetrators a workable set of techniques, tactics & procedures (TTPs).
According to Bucher, the Department initially thought about “just making a flashy video and forcing all our service members to watch it in mandatory training sessions then issuing guidance to our public affairs guys to replace the word ‘rape’ with the less graphic ‘sexual assault’.”
Instead, Bucher said, “we figured we should concentrate on a project that might actually have some impact.”
In a related policy to cut down on suicides, DSTRESS cards will soon be taped to all firearms, rope, and razor blades sold on every military base.
CAMP LEJEUNE, NC – As the military marks the one year anniversary of the repeal of the Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell (DADT) policy today, the Marine Corps top enlisted leader said “there is still work to be done.”
In an exclusive interview with Sergeant Major of the Marine Corps Michael Barrett, Duffel Blog reporters asked how he felt about the progress made so far.
“Well obviously, I’m quite pleased with the progress we’ve made,” Barrett said, “but there is still work to be done. For example, this morning I had the opportunity to visit the barracks of 3/8 and, while taking a leak during a walk-through inspection, I observed someone had written ‘Corporal Hanks sucked First Sergeant’s dick for his stripes’ in the head with a sharpie pen. So, there is still work left to be done.”
During the talk, the interview was interrupted by a Lance Corporal yelling on the passageway. ”That’s the gayest fucking shit I’ve ever heard!”
Sergeant Major Barrett winced and remarked, “that’s what I’m talking about. Marines like that who still can’t get with the program.”
Walking slowly with the Sergeant Major as he spoke, Barrett detailed programs put in place to increase sensitivity within the Corps.
“Obviously, as Sergeant Major of the Marine Corps, I am tasked with taking care of all my Marines, gay or straight, no matter whether I agree with it or not,” he stated, “and, as a Marine, I carry out my task to the best of my ability.”
“You can suck my dick, Smitty!” a voice exclaimed from a second-story barracks window. Sergeant Major Barrett shook his head. “It’s just going to take time, you know. I mean, I remember when I first joined the Corps, we were able to use such language and not worry about having to offend anyone. It’s different now. Just because we’re at war doesn’t excuse it.”
Beyond DADT, Barrett was also asked about the failure of the Expeditionary Fighting Vehicle, along with the F-35 — rumored to be replacing the aging AV-8B Harrier jets.
“Well, you know something,” Sergeant Major began, “I’m really glad you asked me about that, because the Commandant has made it a personal priority to…” He was cut off by the stern voice of a sergeant who had a young Marine in the front-leaning rest next to the open front door of the duty hut.
“You’ve fucked yourself and the rest of the squad for the last time, suck nuts!” the Sergeant screamed. “your constant faggot whining and butt-hurt to the platoon sergeant isn’t going to cut it anymore!”
Sergeant Major Barrett made fists and clenched his jaw as he heard the sergeant berate the young Marine. “Anyway, as I was saying,” he continued, “the Commandant has made it a personal priority to implement an effective replacement for both the aging AAV as well as the AV-8 Harrier. He wants his Marines to have the best equipment, affordable to the American taxpayer.”
“I didn’t think I needed to bring those NVGs to the field, sergeant,” the Private sobbed, his arms shaking from muscle fatigue.
“Goddamit, that’s enough!” Sergeant Major Barrett screamed as he ran to the disturbance. The sergeant standing there immediately snapped to parade rest as Sergeant Major Barrett lit into him.
“What the mother fuck is wrong with your butt-fucking infantry squad, sergeant?,” he screamed. “Why the fuck do you have some cock-sucking whiny piece of shit making excuses about not carrying prescribed gear to the field and why the fuck are you having him do push-ups in the goddamn duty hut when he should be getting his shit pushed in behind the barracks moving fighting holes! Goddammit, this shit would never fucking fly in the Marine Corps I was in!”
The Sergeant Major stopped himself as he straightened out his utility blouse and shot a worried glance over his shoulder. He then stated the interview was over and stormed off.
PARRIS ISLAND, SC – South Carolina State Police released a bulletin today announcing they were looking for a man who allegedly pretended to be a drill instructor and stole a recruit platoon at Marine Corps Recruit Depot Parris Island for several hours.
The man, claiming his name was Staff Sergeant Hector Mantuf from 3rd Recruit Training Battalion, stole Platoon 3053 from the Receiving Building around 1pm yesterday.
The platoon was formed up outside the building after receiving a routine class on the proper way to shave pubic hair in “a way fitting of the Marine Corps and the United States Naval Service,” according to a Depot spokesman.
“This recruit’s Senior Drill Instructor had just walked away to go scream at passing cars when another drill instructor just walked right up and told the platoon to follow the drill instructor,” said Recruit Mark Tillens.
Platoon 3053 was subsequently found in the woods near Page Field, where they had been ordered to stare at trees until further notice.
There were no major injuries, but one recruit had received a broken finger, following his inability to stare at a tree and his platoon guide’s subsequent correction of this deficiency.
When asked why no one questioned Mr. Mantuf’s credentials, Recruit Tillens responded, “This recruit has been trained to instantly obey orders, and the things the drill instructor wanted this recruit to do were so asinine and pointless, how could this recruit have possibly known the drill instructor was an impostor?”
Others, like Drill Instructor Staff Sergeant Carl Rennell, think the recruits are to blame.
“It should have been friggin obvious to any friggin recruit that this … uh, friggin individual wasn’t the real doggone deal. During our all-night friggin debriefing of the friggin platoon, one of the friggin recruits managed to gasp out that he was only two motherloving paces away from the platoon while friggin marching instead of the doggone required three.”
“It’s friggin stuff like that that really gives you away as a motherloving fraud,” Staff Sergeant Rennell continued. “But we don’t blame our friggin recruits for not knowing… we blame their parents.”
It is unknown how the individual managed to infiltrate Parris Island’s famous triple-layered security, consisting of a minefield, a 70-foot wall patrolled by armed guards, and a moat filled with man-eating alligators and lions.
Brigadier General Lori Reynolds, the Commanding General of Parris Island, said that while she admired Mr. Mantuf’s ability to control and haze a platoon of recruits with no formal training, the drill instructor program is carefully controlled and monitored to ensure that the maximum number of Marines fulfill their B-billets.
“Right now there is some poor Sergeant stuck being a combat instructor or on recruiting duty because of people like Mr. Mantuf.”
General Reynolds added that, “If this individual simply wanted to haze our recruits, he could have just come for one of our family fun days. Last year one of our company first sergeants brought his one-year old daughter whose only words were ‘Push, bitch.’”
The general continued, chuckling, “She had those recruits doing push-ups until the sun went down.”
General Reynolds said that the Recruit Depot is working on preventing similar incidents from occurring in the future, possibly by branding recruit platoons or issuing drill instructors special whistles that only recruits can hear.
KABUL, AFGHANISTAN – An American Flag bought online for an Anti-U.S. protest nearly died of smoke inhalation yesterday from the fumes of burning protesters who in an attempt to light the flag on fire, instead negligently set themselves ablaze.
The flag, who goes by the name of Serial Number: 01023492, claims that all he remembers was being taken out of his box by a number of apparently disgruntled Middle Eastern men, which he identified instantly by their anti-American chants and misspelled signs.
“At first I thought I was at an Occupy Wall St. protest, and that things were probably going to be alright when I saw signs that read, ‘Don’t Disgrace our Profits’, but then I realized it was a group of pissed off Taliban protesters when I read another that read, ‘I’m here to kill Americans [Shoot Me].’”
The scene became quite dire for Flag 01023492 when the Taliban members tried to light him on fire with a Bic lighter. Due to his Nylon composition, ignition was difficult to achieve, and out of frustration the flag was thrown to the ground.
“Another flag was taken out of its box, and when they began pulling cans of stolen JP8 out of the beds of their Bongo trucks I knew he was done for. They started dousing him in fuel, which I noticed was being carelessly thrown all over the place, including themselves. Additionally one of the members forgot to put the cap on the container allowing for fuel vapor to disperse over the area. The flag was then hoisted up on a stick, and I couldn’t watch any more of the cowardly acts.”
Flag 01023492 went on to claim that the Taliban began playing the knock off of a Blue Oyster Cult song titled, “Taliburnin’ for You” over the loud speakers usually designated for daily prayers. It was then that all hell broke loose when the guy with the lighter tripped over one of the command detonation wires they were intending on using later, and lit himself on fire. Of course with no knowledge of Stop, Drop, and Roll he began to run around at random.
Everyone tried to get out of his way, but he ran into a fellow protestor and instantly lit his fuel-soaked man dress in the process.
“Eventually the vapors lit and the can blew, and before I it knew they were all a pile of burning falafel kabobs. I immediately began having difficulty breathing because of the all the smoke from the burning remains, but soon a patrol of American troops came along and rescued me.”
“He was in dire straits,” stated Combat Medic SGT Roman Polowski, “I really didn’t know if he was going to make it. I immediately began to perform interventions consisting of irrigating his stars and stripes with Saline, and drying him off with oxygen using a non-rebreather mask.”
Upon arriving back in the United States he was admitted to Walter Reed Army Medical Center for further rehabilitation.
“We expect him to make a full return to duty, but aren’t pushing him too hard. As of right now he is assigned to half staff duty which has unfortunately been occurring at a much higher rate lately. It won’t be too long before Flag 01023492 will be flying proudly at full staff.” stated Dr. Shannon Ross, a distant granddaughter of Betsy Ross.
Flag 01023492 is being meritoriously promoted to honor flag, and is set to return to full duty soon at the Pentagon. There are also rumors that he may even be awarded a medal for “bravery under fire and for the termination of multiple Taliban fighters.”
TOPEKA, KS – On the same day that Fred Phelps’ body was found rotting in a chair in his upstairs office, members of the controversial Westboro Baptist Church announced that they would be picketing his upcoming funeral.
Phelps, born November 13, 1929, was the leader of the church — an organization that practices a strange, anti-homosexual version of Christianity that has been known to protest at celebrity and military funerals.
The pastor’s daughter, Shirley Phelps-Roper, was the first to discover the 83-year-old’s body.
“We haven’t brought dad out to very many protests for a few years now,” said Phelps-Roper. “In fact, it’s been quite a while since even we had seen him. Once he starts on a marathon of old Growing Pains episodes, we just leave him alone until he comes down.”
“He always loved Kirk Cameron,” she added.
Judging by the smell and decomposition of the body, officials from the coroner’s office say that Pastor Phelps’ probably died at least six months ago. There wasn’t any sign of foul play, but they did report that the television was still playing, and appeared to be “scrambled up 80s pornography.”
“I think I saw boob in there,” said Davis Shields, one of the coroner officials on the scene. “But with this stuff, there’s really no way to be sure.”
Some members of the Westboro Baptist Church were hoping to cover up their oversight.
“We’ve just been so busy with all these funerals against all the fag-enablers,” said Jakob Phelps. “But since granddad died and this is a huge embarrassment, I was thinking that maybe we could sort of, prop him up and put some makeup on him to still make him look alive, like Weekend at Bernie’s.”
“Oh really? You want to put makeup on him? You must be a fag sent from hell,” said Phelps-Roper. “Get the hell out of here! God will punish you!”
Despite some disagreement, most of the members of Westboro say they will be proud to “do the Lord’s work.”
“It’s quite obvious that this is God’s message to us. God hates fags, he kills fags, and dad just died,” said Phelps-Roper. “He must have been a fag.”
Church members usually protest military funerals with signs that demonstrate God’s punishment on the United States for “supporting homosexuals.” These usually include messages like “Thank God for IED’s” and “Soldiers Die For Fag Marriage.”
The death of Fred Phelps, apparently from natural causes, means the reasoning within the church is now shifting.
“I’m putting together a sign here for when we protest the demonic Fred Phelps fag,” said daughter Eleanor Phelps. “It says ‘Thank God For You Dying In Your Sleep’.”
Church members went on to show other signs they were preparing for future protests, including “Thank God For Car Crashes”, “God Punishes Fags With Diabetes”, and “Homo Sex = Cardiovascular Disease”.
SCOTTSDALE, AZ — A Marine reservist is in critical condition after grappling with a fully grown grizzly bear yesterday in his suburban home.
Similar in vein to several recent incidents, the bear broke into the home of Sergeant Sean Bush, who promptly engaged the gargantuan grizzly in hand-to-hand combat.
“I was just sitting in my room around midnight, playing some Skyrim, when I heard a crash from downstairs. When I went to investigate, I couldn’t believe what I saw.”
The sergeant says that was when his instincts took over.
“Then my training kicked in, and I assumed a good basic warrior stance.”
Marine Corps Martial Arts Program (MCMAP) Instructor Sergeant Jon Coley says that while MCMAP is very effective for neutralizing an opponent in close quarters, hand-to-hand engagements are “not very effective against a 450-fucking-pound, razor clawed death machine.”
That didn’t stop Sgt Bush from trying to pacify the ursine behemoth with a rear naked choke. When that failed, according to his statement, he attempted to mount the bear and place it in a side-arm bar, screaming, “you tap or I snap,” in hopes that the bear would quit before sustaining injury.
“I knew there were more advanced moves I could have pulled on the bear,” lamented Sgt Bush from the intensive care unit. “But I’m just a gray belt; more intense grappling moves don’t come until you move up to green and brown.”
Sgt Coley shakes his head as he reviews the MCMAP log book discovered on Sgt Bush’s bedside table.
“Look at this. He hasn’t even logged any hours training for green. No way he could have handled that thing. Only a seasoned brown belt or an expert in Rex Kwon Do would have been able to subdue that monster.”
Police officers, who arrived on scene shortly after receiving a phone call from a concerned neighbor, found Sgt Bush on his living room floor, barely conscious and covered in his own blood, muttering verses from the Marine’s Hymn. The bear was nowhere to be found.
Investigators suspect the culprit to be Petty Officer 2nd Class Eugene Bear, who was recently reported as drunkenly brawling with other Marines in local bars.
Someone needs to promote this Marine immediately.
NEW ORLEANS, LA - Earlier today, Private Jackson Smith took the oath of enlistment, which would make him a proud soldier in the United States Army. But the joke is on Smith’s superiors because he secretly crossed his fingers behind his back as he recited the hallowed words – thereby nullifying anything he was promising to do.
“I had some second thoughts, and well, the recruiter was just pressuring me so hard. It was kind hard to tell him no. I figured I would just cross my fingers, and after SSG Grant dropped me off at my house that afternoon, I just wouldn’t return his phone calls anymore,” Smith said as he sat in a bean bag chair and “merced noobs in Call of Duty.”
“Boom, Head-shot!” he added.
The practice of crossing one’s fingers to negate a promise has roots deep in English common law. This practice, long recognized by the courts, was brought over during the colonization of the eastern seaboard and has stuck ever since.
Smith began his ordeal four months ago, after he had successfully completed his GED. The seventeen year-old was wandering around the mall, looking to buy some gnarly Tap Out gear in celebration, when he stumbled into the local recruiting station. Smith, head down and turning his foot back and forth on its toe, asked about the possibility of enlisting. That was when he ran into recruiter SSG Jed Grant.
“I gave him the usual spiel. You know: duty, honor, country – that type of thing. But honestly, kids don’t really go for that these days. Instead, I usually just tell them they’ll never see combat and get a $30,000 sign-on bonus. That and the college stuff, of course,” said Grant.
Smith sat down with Grant for two hours and discussed the possibility of enlistment. First and foremost on the recruiter’s mind was the lofty standards the Army places on new recruits.
“You got any felonies?” asked Grant.
“No convictions.” replied Smith.
Without further ado, Grant slammed a comically large stamp on an Army enlistment form which left the statement “acceptable,” in green ink. The next hour and fifty eight minutes were spent discussing hot chicks and awesome guns.
The next week, Grant called Smith to follow up.
“He told me that he set up an appointment for me to take the ASVAB. To be honest, I wasn’t sure who he was, because I was good and fucked up. But, I decided to head down there because my friends were being real douchey anyway,” said Smith.
Smith’s best friend and confidant, Harold Williams said, “He wouldn’t shut the fuck up about the Army. I mean, he would be acting all hard when we played Call of Duty – like pretending to know what weapon was what. It was getting real annoying.”
On his third ASVAB attempt, while being whispered answers through an ear piece by Grant, Smith finally got a score high enough to enlist. At this point, things got serious. Smith was shuffled around various offices to talk to different people in strange uniforms. He was told to sign this or that, and at one point, was instructed to throw a dart at a board which had fifteen sticky notes attached to it. One note said Military Police, the rest –Infantry. After the dart hit, Smith was christened a soon-to-be Military Policeman. Afterward, Smith was pushed into a small room with a couple different flags in the corner.
“Some guy walked in. He was eating a honey bun with one hand and carried a piece of paper in the other. I mean, he was going to town on that honey bun.” said Smith. “Then he said, ‘raise your right hand and repeat after me.’ That’s when I knew that I was in big trouble.”
The practice of raising one’s hand to give an oath is directly related to the custom of crossing one’s fingers to get out of one. If someone raises their hand, theoretically, everyone can see that the fingers are not crossed. Therefore, everyone can trust the oath took effect. But, Smith cleverly crossed the fingers on his left hand.
“It was just a bit of quick thinking. You don’t get through the Murbury County Community College GED program in only four weeks if you aren’t quick on the uptake, you know?” Smith said and tapped his temple with his forefinger to emphasize that point.
After the ceremony, Smith quietly rode home with Grant. Two months have passed and Grant is still less than pleased.
“Well, I’m not very happy about it, to tell you the truth,” said Recruiting officer SSG Jed Grant. “I thought the whole crossing fingers was something five year-olds did. Who knew, right?”
The Army is now exploring the possibility of having enlistees raise both hands during the oath but naysayers have complained that it gives the impression that new soldiers are “being taken hostage.”
A 3rd Battalion 3rd Marines India Company Corpsman in full PPE signals a Helo into a LZ in Afganistan by shuffling with Christmas lights wrapped around him. The pilots loved it.