Junior Enlisted Party Presidential Candidate: Free Copenhagen, Porn at the Shoppette

By  |  Comments
Faber was excited to receive an endorsement from Ron Paul

Ft. Drum, N.Y. - A third-party presidential candidate is making waves this election season by focusing on the wants and needs of low-ranking troops.

In many ways, Army Private First Class Bucky Faber’s platform sounds like something you’d hear from one of the frontrunners. He advocates a middle-class tax cut, aggressive environmental protection measures, and of course a strong national defense.

Where Faber sets himself apart is with his unconventional pledges.

“If elected,” Faber said during a recent campaign stop at Ft. Drum, “I’ll make it so that Copenhagen is totally free at the Shoppette, seeing as we enlisted guys ain’t made of money.”

Faber also promised that the Shoppette would hand out free Playboys and Penthouses to all personnel E-3 and below.

“Yeah, there’s a lot of free porn on the Internet,” Faber said, “but a lot of guys downrange don’t have regular Internet hookups. And really, there’s something you can’t beat about the good old-fashioned feeling of slick pages in your hands while you’re looking at titties.”

Before joining the Army, the 36-year-old Faber spent his twenties and early thirties working dead-end jobs at bookstores and chain restaurants. He doesn’t have any previous elected experience, but he is no stranger to legal matters. In 2005, he served as his own defense against reckless driving charges and lost. He has also more recently served as his unit’s barracks lawyer.



Faber represents the E-Dogs, a political party whose purpose is “to promote the interests and well-being of junior enlisted soldiers, sailors, airmen, and Marines,” according to their website.

“We are looking forward to Bucky Faber becoming the next president and Commander in Chief of the United States,” said E-Dog spokesperson Seaman Recruit Salvador Byrd. “He has the experience, know-how, and political acumen to lead America in these difficult times.”

“Also,” Byrd added, “we found out you have to be 35 to run for president, and he was the only one in our group who was old enough.”

Faber has also called for reducing the drinking age to 18 for all active duty personnel and their dates, since “it’s bullshit seeing as how you can fight and die for your country but can’t have any booze or plow your girlfriend with booze neither.”

Faber’s other pledges include no more barracks watch since “it’s all bullshit anyway”, oversight on prick MPs who don’t have “shit else to do but fuck with motorists,” and tougher punishments for Lance Commandants who make all the E-1′s and E-2′s do their work while they’re not doing shit themselves.

Political consultant James Carville has been following Faber’s campaign closely and likes the PFC’s chances.

“I think Private Faber could be a dark horse in this election,” Carville said, “but only if he broadens his focus. His message is really resonating with the buck privates, but he needs to get the word out to their girlfriends too. You know, the ones who are 18 and can vote, not the ones who are still in high school.”

Faber’s campaign stop at Ft. Drum was cut short when a Specialist walked into the auditorium and pulled him outside to do a police call.

Did you enjoy this post?

Join the 14,000+ fans who receive our free Daily Digest!

Ron

Ron is a technical writer and Navy veteran. His background was in intelligence and translation, but now he's paid to write technical manuals that no one reads.