CHARLESTON, SC – Jody Siever spends his Friday nights like so many American servicemen and women, mingling while kicking back drinks at a local bar. Recognizing the giveaway military haircut of a fellow patron, he approaches with an arm extended.
“Welcome home, soldier.” Smiling, though apparently puzzled, the stranger returns a firm, brief handshake.
“Thanks, but I’m in the Navy. And I haven’t been anywhere—I’m in Nuke School,” he replies, referring to the Naval Nuclear Power Training Center in Goose Creek, S.C.
“That’s cool,” Siever says, “I almost thought about joining the Navy for a while, but if I did join the service, I would have gone into the Army. I’m just kind of hardcore like that. Shooting bad guys in the face—that’s the life for me. If I wanted it.”
Siever, you see, never actually enlisted.
Veteran servicemembers often find it difficult to relate their experiences in the military to friends and family back home, but a new civilian organization is working to expand that exclusive brotherhood. The Bros Before Joes campaign, established in 2011, seeks to legitimize the efforts of people like Siever, whose commitments to serving in the military range from the hypothetical to the nearly realized.
“We’ve got guys from all over the spectrum here. Some of our members, they merely thought about joining the Army a few times, or took the ASVAB in high school to get out of first period,” explains BBJ founder Trent Bower. “Other guys though, they got as far as making appointments to go to MEPS [Military Entrance Processing Station], but then something important came up.”
A near-Marine himself, Bower recounts his own brush with fate:
“I talked with a Marine recruiter a few times in high school, even attended a couple of pool functions at the recruiting office. It got to the point that I was there so often, the recruiters even started calling me ‘Boot.’ They were practically begging me to enlist, but I always knew I was meant for something more meaningful.”
Bower, a 31-year old assistant manager at a successful pizza delivery franchise, started the Bros Before Joes campaign in his spare time, seeking to bring recognition to others who share his story. For Siever, and thousands of almost-soldiers, sailors, airmen, and Marines like him, the organization is a long-overdue ray of hope.
Says Siever, “It’s great, you know, to finally be able to reach out and connect with others who share your non-experiences. After giving so much, dedicating so much time and energy to thinking about enlisting, it just feels like we’re finally getting the thanks we deserve.” And recognition has been swift in coming.
Thanks to a successful joint-lobbying campaign with the Almost Iraq and Afghanistan Veterans of America, a bill is now before the Senate to approve Veteran’s Affairs benefits for BBJ and AIAVA members. The resolution received overwhelming bipartisan support in a House vote earlier this year from a majority of US Representatives who are themselves non-veterans.
Regarding the passage in the House, Rep. Jeff Flake (R-AZ) released this statement:
“This isn’t a Red-or-Blue, liberal-versus-conservative issue. It’s about giving near-veterans like me and many of my constituents the recognition we’ve been denied for far too long.” Currently, 345 out of 435, or roughly 80% of members of the U.S. House of Representatives, have no recorded military service.
As the bill nears the Senate floor, however, some opponents are voicing concerns. Senator and Navy veteran John McCain (R-AZ) held a press conference outside his home in Phoenix, Arizona on Tuesday, calling the bill “a mockery… of all that I hold dear.” He also stated that he would “rather tongue-kiss Jane Fonda” than vote to approve the measure. Before he could take questions, he had to be ushered away for medical treatment when blood began seeping from his clenched fist—reportedly from clutching his Silver Star too tightly.
And he’s not alone. Senator Daniel K. Inouye (D-HI) is an Army veteran of World War II and presently the only serving member of Congress to have earned a Congressional Medal of Honor. When presented with the bill’s full text, Sen. Inouye declared it “a perversion of our American values,” and refused to touch it, even with his prosthetic arm. Said Inouye, “I don’t want to live on this planet anymore.”
Despite these protests, the bill has mass appeal with civilians and near-veterans on both sides of the aisle. Arguments will begin in earnest when the Senate reconvenes next January. Until then, it’s a long wait for near-heroes like Siever and Bower.
Asked if he would do anything different given the opportunity, Bower harkens back to his non-Marine days:
“I just couldn’t leave all of this behind. I miss those pool functions, though. They were good times; some of the best times of my life. You just… you go through something like that, almost sacrificing so much, with such a close group of guys, and it really makes you brothers, you know? I even think I still have some recruitment brochures around here, somewhere.”
FORT BENNING, GA – After three days of grueling events, one Soldier has finally been named “Best Sick Call Ranger of 2012″, giving him the title of being the sickest and most injured malingerer in the U.S. Army.
This year had a record turnout with a total of forty Soldiers vying to demonstrate their dedication to duty in feigning sickness and injury to the utmost of their abilities. Not only do the winners earn the title of “Best Sick Call Ranger”, they also become the recipients of the coveted gold plated Model 495 cane and are admitted to the Army’s prestigious Warrior Transition Brigade (WTB) Delta – Detachment, home of the Franklin D. Roosevelt Special Welfare Center.
Due to the sensitive nature of the unit, it is rumored by many in the Sick Call Community that it is here that malingerers receive extensive medical care consisting of massages with happy endings, open bars, and topless French maids.
“Selection for Delta is tough. Those guys are the best of the best in the Sick Call community,” said first-time competitor Private First Class Frank Mears. “You’ve got to have that special ‘something’ that sets you apart from the others. Delta Operators keep up the sham while surrounded by people who have actually been in combat and been wounded.”
Mears went on to stress how elite the detachment was, saying that “Delta WTB comes to you, you don’t go to them.”
“There are guys at Womack Army Medical Center who have faked cancer, blindness, heart disease – you name it, they can fool the best M.D.’s the military has to offer. I hear they even have relaxed grooming and uniform standards, but no one really knows for sure.”
The first day of the “Best Sick Call Ranger” competition had the most disqualifications which occurred during the administration of the Army Physical Fitness Test. Seventeen soldiers quickly unfolded profiles which allowed an immediate pass for the event. Two more barely managed to get by after claiming a rolled ankle, and potentially suffering a heart attack. The remaining competitors were failed after posting substandard APFT scores averaging no less than 275.
Day two comprised of the “Prove Your Illness” event, which was to demonstrate skills deemed necessary to get a legit profile.
“My secret weapon,” stated Sergeant Ray Cyrus, “well, I hate to give away the good stuff, but this is just between us, right?,” he said as he leaned in close enough to tell that he was winning his lifelong battle with his arch-enemies’ soap and water.
“Syrup of Ipecac; that shit is wicked Broseph. One teaspoon of the ‘Yack Attack’ will have you puking your nuts out in front of God and everybody. Battalion Fun Run in full MOPP gear? Ne-gah-tive!”, and with a conspiratorial wink and a Copenhagen-stained grin, SGT Cyrus upended the bottle containing the reddish brown liquid. “This should be a good show, you might want to stick around. I had scrambled eggs, spaghetti and chocolate milk about an hour ago. Showtime motherfucker!”
Candidate Private Johannsen, his face gray and hands shaking from the cordite he was chewing, went about using a crucial element. While antagonizing a chigger with a heated needle he confided, “Angry chigger bites– once you get rid of the em’, it looks like some funky rash.”
The last day of the competition incorporated the “Hospital Land Navigation” event, which tested the mettle of each Soldiers ability to BS their 1SG into believing they were at a specific appointment within the Military Treatment Facility.
The winner of the event was Staff Sergeant Ben Baggins who also went on to become “Best Sick Call Ranger”. He described his strategy, saying, “Yeah, I wasn’t even here for the entire competition. Tends to happen after a night of heavy drinking. Best thing to do is just say you were admitted for having Swine Flu, and have your medic girlfriend sign off on a sick call slip.”
Since winning the “Best Sick Call Ranger” competition, Staff Sergeant Baggins went on to Medical Retirement and now sits at home comfortably collecting disability while getting high on prescription pain killers he worked so hard to earn.
This article involved the collaborative efforts of John “WTF” Mittle and The Duffel Blog Super Fans.
LOS ANGELES, CA – Speaking to assembled press today, officials with the Department of Veterans Affairs announced the closure of all VA facilities west of the Mississippi river in response to possible dangers that may arise from Hurricane Sandy.
The storm, which is being dubbed a “Frankenstorm” due to its mixture of winter weather and hurricane winds, is due to slam into the eastern seaboard of the United States, making landfall in New Jersey Monday evening and heading north towards Canada.
With widespread fears of power outages, fierce winter weather and possible storm surges on the horizon for much of the east coast, VA officials feel they are making reasonable accommodations to keep their employees safe.
“We have been tracking this storm since it first popped up on the radar,” said VA Secretary Eric Shinseki, who spoke from the VA’s $17bn Malibu Beach headquarters, wearing a cutoff shirt and board shorts. “And the moment we knew it would be hitting the northeast, like we always strive to do, we took aggressive actions to minimize the amount of work being done across the VA system.”
The storm is expected to last for a matter of days, but VA officials are stressing the importance of improvising, adapting, and using 21st century technology to counter the storm’s impact.
“This storm really will highlight our technology innovation at the VA,” said spokesman Dan Baker. “A great example of this is our recent acquisition of a large fleet of Chevy Volts at the discounted price of $80k each, which will be used to transport our sophisticated pencil and paper processing equipment out of the danger zone.”
“Every effort has been made by our employees to ensure that no phones will be answered and no claims will be processed,” said Shinseki. “We realize that a natural disaster like this does not have to lend itself to productivity, or what I would call an ‘office disaster’.”
The facilities closure is set to last for approximately 2 weeks, although Shinseki has said that the VA will do everything in its power to keep its doors closed to veterans for longer, if possible.
“If this storm suddenly makes a hard right and heads out into the Atlantic, then we’ll certainly have to reevaluate our response and possibly close all facilities in the U.S.,” said Shinseki, “Right now, we’ll just have to wait and see.”
ARLINGTON, VA – Police were called last night to the scene of Jason’s Tap, a popular bar in Arlington, after a U.S. Marine who lost both legs in Iraq became belligerent and assaulted five other patrons who were watching a football game.
Sergeant Jonathan Coleman is facing charges of unruly conduct, assault, disturbing the peace, and forcible sodomy with a bottle of Happenin’ Habanero wing sauce.
Multiple eyewitnesses reported that a group of regular customers had gathered for a quiet evening of watching New York thrash the shit out of Dallas, when “the door flew open and in rolled this guy in a wheelchair wearing a Dallas jersey and a USMC hat,” according to witness Anthony Derren.
After the bar patrons stood and broke into a spontaneous applause, Sergeant Coleman allegedly responded, “Well well fucking well, what have we here!?!? Looks like another squad from the pussy platoon who doesn’t want to fight for their country.”
Sergeant Coleman was described by patrons as visibly intoxicated, having by his own account consumed 26 beers earlier that day as he completed the Marine Corps Marathon.
“We told him we appreciated his service, how grateful we were for his sacrifice, blah blah blah, you know the usual schtick, but I guess he wasn’t in the mood,” said Derren.
Despite multiple individuals in the bar telling Sergeant Coleman how much they respected his service, the comments only seemed to make him angrier.
“We probably should have taken the hint when he rolled right over to the bar, threw the stool aside, and demanded a bottle of ‘whatever piss you all happen to have on tap here’,” said Derren.
When the bartender said the drinks were on the house, Sergeant Coleman grumbled that “all the free booze couldn’t make up for having to spend two years sitting around the barracks waiting for a medical discharge.”
The incident began to escalate when Sergeant Coleman spotted a framed newspaper next to the bar commemorating the death of Bin Laden, and ripped it off the wall, telling the owner ‘he didn’t rate it’.
According to Cotton Darcy, most of the patrons were confused by the Marine’s behavior.
“We just sort of assumed, you know, that these guys were kind of pitiable,” said Darcy. “Going off to fight in Russia or Narnia or wherever and losing limbs because of, 9/11, or — you know — something. I’ve seen a lot of war movies like The Hurt Locker, so I can imagine how bad it must have been.”
At this point, Sergeant Coleman allegedly started going off on a rant about how he was sick and tired of people telling him how much they respected his service, while discouraging their own kids to do military service or actually taking the time to follow the War on Terror.
After several minutes of ranting, bartender Bernie Hickman came out to wheel Sergeant Coleman away from the bar.
“All I remember was putting my hand on his shoulder and saying ‘I really respect your service’ when all of a sudden he had me in a wristlock and slammed my head into his wheelchair’s armrest,” said Hickman.
“Next thing I know I’m down on my knees looking up at him. He said something about how he never looks up at bitches and something else about dying on my feet versus living on my knees, and how I’d made my choice.”
By the time police arrived at the scene, Sergeant Coleman had knocked several other patrons unconscious and was repeatedly rolling over their prostrate bodies, yelling, “Don’t use your legs as a crutch!”
After the incident was reported throughout the media, the Yelp profile of the United States Marine Corps has been hammered with 4 and 5 star reviews, with many saying things like, “Thank you so much for your service and for not killing me.”
Hickman said that he regrets the whole incident and wishes he could talk to Sergeant Coleman.
“I just really want to make sure he knows I appreciate his service.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. — A congressman reported today that he was horrified to learn that the Army has been issuing its soldiers green fleece watch caps since 2006. The shocking revelations came during a drive through downtown Washington, where Sen. Carl Levin (D-Mich.) observed a unit of Army reserve soldiers out for a run.
“The first thing I thought was ‘those are the stupidest things I’ve ever seen!’ Then I realized they were American soldiers and I almost threw up in my mouth,” said Levin, after adjusting his flag lapel pin. “Then I of course thanked them for their service.”
The oversized headgear replaced a more popular, civilian-modeled black version that was widely loved among soldiers, after Army leadership observed the soldiers wearing the caps off-duty in all types of outdoor situations.
“I mean, I remember when they had those black caps, and they looked great with everything. After the incident this morning, I did a little research. These things don’t match a single uniform we have in the inventory!” said Levin. “What kind of dipshit would authorize something like this?”
Duffel Blog reporters tracked down Sergeant Major of the Army Raymond Chandler, to confront him on the issue.
“It’s all about value and appearance. When we gave soldiers the black cap, they would use them to ski, hunt, and pretty much anything else outdoors without looking like a jackass. On the Army’s dime! Well not on our watch,” stated Chandler with a smirk.
“That’s why we changed it to this over sized piece of garbage. No one would be caught dead in this thing! Plus the chemical runoff we use to dye these is actually cheaper than the warm, tight fitting micro fiber in the old caps. The switch cost the Army over ten million dollars, but the savings per unit will make sure we get our money back in less than 24 years! You can’t beat a deal like that.”
When asked why the color didn’t match anything currently worn by Army soldiers, Chandler was quick to flip open his ever present notebook and read from a section of highlighted notes on uniforms.
“Since the color doesn’t go with anything in the inventory, it will always break up the outline and color patterns of the soldier!” recited Chandler, who then removed a handwritten page from the company who manufactured the caps. “Furthermore… this is the best watch cap in the history of watch caps. Guaranteed!”
After being asked about the recent cases of frostbite attributed to soldiers in the field during sub-zero weather when they weren’t authorized to wear the misshapen, gnome-like caps, his answer was simple.
“I remember back at the Sergeants Major Academy. One of the first courses was how to identify and outlaw efficient gear. This was just a natural progression at the Big Army level. We do our best to keep these things away from any environment where they might actually be needed.”
Chandler refused to comment on the apparent hypocrisy of issuing intentionally deficient gear that can’t be used when needed.
OKINAWA, JAPAN – Charges of sexual harassment have been brought against the base obstacle course this week, after a female Marine from 7th Communications Battalion reported that “she felt extremely uncomfortable doing physical training on or around the object.”
The Marine, who wishes to remain anonymous, claims the O-course behaved in an inappropriate manner during a unit physical training session.
“I have never felt so ashamed and violated in my life. The course was all over my lady parts, then, it [the o-course] made me do terrible things,” she said.
Soon after the female Marine’s meritorious promotion to Corporal, her Battalion commander released a statement.
“I currently have an investigation underway, but right now, we are concerned for this Marine’s welfare,” said Lieutenant Colonel Nicholas J. Lourian. “I will order a Battalion safety stand down as soon as we have some answers so that this incident doesn’t happen again.”
This isn’t the first case at Camp Hansen. Some female Marines have complained about the abbreviation for portable radio component (PRC), which is pronounced “prick” by many male Marines. Others say they’ve endured a barrage of sexual harassment at the enlisted club, with male Marines “inappropriately buying them drinks.”
“Even at the PX I’m getting treated like a piece of meat,” said one female Marine who wished to remain anonymous. “Sometimes when I get in line, there will be a couple of men ahead, saying that I can cut them and go ahead, trying to act nice. I may be a woman but I have every right to stand in the PX line just like the men.”
Most male Marines were unsure of how to take the news.
“This is bullshit! Do you know how long it takes me to get anything done so I don’t hurt anyone’s overly-sensitive feelings?,” said Sergeant James Simpson. “I am calling my monitor and getting out of this shit sandwich.”
Marine Commandant General James Mattis ignored repeated requests for interview on the matter, but after considerable pressure, sent a fax to The Duffel Blog which only read:
Harden The Fuck Up.
Very Respectfully Submitted with Titty Sprinkles,
Lt.Col. Lourian reports that his emergency ethics stand-down for the battalion has been a great success.
“Sgt. Simpson gave multiple classes on professionalism, suicide prevention, and sexual harassment — which were really great and I think helped the Marines quite a bit.”
According to witnesses at the brief, Lt.Col. Lourian sat quietly behind his Battalion, stroking and whispering to a set of Colonel insignia that he keeps in his cover.
LONDON, U.K. – The website Wikileaks today released more than 35,000 pages of mIRC transcripts from the United States and other NATO forces in Operation Enduring Freedom.
Wikileaks founder Julian Assange praised the release as the most damning indictment of the United States ever leaked to the press.
“This latest release, more than all the others, exposes the lies and hypocrisies of the United States,” Assange told reporters. “And it’s all thanks to Bradley Man– I mean, my network of secret informants.”
mIRC is an Internet Relay Chat (IRC) client, created in 1995, and operated by the US military as its primary online communications program.
The transcripts were taken from various Combat Operations Centers (COC) at the battalion, regimental, and division level.
Some of the logs reveal serious maturity issues with senior military figures. For example, this particular exchange was taken during Operation Khanjar and is between the COC from the 1st Battalion 5th Marines and their headquarters at Camp Dwyer:
_1_5_S3_WO: Yeah, I’m looking for First Sergeant Hunt. I think his first name is Mike.
_3rd_Reg_SWO: Hang on, I’ll check. No one here has seen Mike Hunt.
_1_5_S3_WO: How about Gunnery Sergeant Jass? I think his first name is Hugh. Or Private Meehoph, first name Jack.
Other mIRC logs reveal a strange detachment between combat operations centers and units in contact with the enemy.
_2_7_Fox_WO: Stand by for TIC [Troops in Contact] report. Fox 2-3 is reporting taking heavy small arms fire.
_2_7_SWO: Is that you Green? Man I am so fucking bored right now.
_2_7_Fox_WO: WTF? We have a TIC! Get the AirO and Fires spun up.
_2_7_SWO: Can you guys wait until the PX Truck leaves?
_3_5_WO: Break break break. Stand by MEDEVAC.
_3_5_WO: Line 1: 50S MC 08724 78122
_RCT7_SWO: WTF? Where is that even at? Who is this?
_3_5_WO: This is E2W. We’re doing Mojave Viper and my SSgt told me to run some drills so I wanted to see if this was the right format.
Some mIRC logs reveal units that had little grasp of proper protocol.
CLB_3_S3: Miss, B5
CLB_3_S1: Miss, E6
CLB_3_S3: Miss, A3
CLB_3_S1: Miss, E2
CLB_3_S3: Hit. Damn, you sank my battleship.
II_MEB_SWO: You know we’re reading everything you two dickheads are typing, right?
As casualties mounted during the Surge, discipline among some units slowly started to crack.
Apache X-RAy: T-Hawk X-Ray, we’re observing 3 IED emplacers ATT, moving to strike.
T-Hawk X-RAy: Send up the SALTA
Apache: NM, fuckers just blew themselves up.
T-Hawk: Cool. How’s the chow today?
_VMU1_: Good morning devil dog. I’ll be your controller today?
_1_3_S2: Are you a female?
_VMU1_: Uh, yes.
_1_3_S2: I would totally fuck you six ways from sundown right now, first I would start licking y–
_VMU1_: WTF? Are you fucking serious?
_1_3_S2: Sorry, things have been so tense over here. I just wish people would stop dying so we can get off RiverCity and I can get back to playing MafiaWars on Facebook.
The problem is not just limited to the United States. Wikileaks also released several transcripts from the Combined Enterprise Regional Information Exchange (CENTRIX), the secret network used by all NATO countries in Afghanistan, showing how language difficulties were also hampering coalition operations.
Here’s an exchange between a US officer and his Australian counterpart:
LKG_LNO: “Hey, can you guys spare any infantry units for our upcoming operations?”
JTF_633: “How many diggers do you need?”
LKG_LNO: “WTF? You can’t say shit like that. This is an official network.”
JTF_633: “What? That’s what we call our infantry: diggers.”
LKG_LNO: “Oh, sorry. But yeah, can you spare any?”
JTF_633: “OK, but make sure you bring plenty of fried chicken and watermelon, cause our diggers really love that.”
U.S. officials have refused to comment on the reports. Wikileaks is already planning an additional release for tomorrow, which Assange promises will focus exclusively on the popular Blue Force Tracker acronym STFU, which Assange says does not actually stand for ”Sir, Thanks For the Update”.
ATLANTA, GA – Viewers of Piers Morgan Tonight were shocked at Ted Turner’s controversial comments last night concerning suicide among US service members, but an anonymous CNN producer has informed The Duffel Blog that many missed the full context.
On the program, Turner stated that it was good that troops were committing suicide because it showed an aversion to war. Producers, realizing the stupidity of his comments, quickly moved to commercial but cameras still rolled as he stated, “I think it’d be great if they’d all commit suicide. Hell, if they all just shot themselves we wouldn’t have to worry about any more wars because nobody’d be left to fight!”
Turner then turned his criticism inward, according to the anonymous CNN staffer.
“Also, I don’t know if you guys caught on to this yet, but I’m a fucking moron. I’m not happy to say it, but I really am. Pretty much just assume that 90% of what comes out of my mouth is just benign dribble that shouldn’t even be produced in a kindergarten class.”
Shockingly, Mr. Turner then pulled out a .45 caliber pistol and said, “I’ve got to do this, it shows an aversion to stupidity,” followed by an incoherent string of word vomit that was best interpreted as ”Mouthwash TITTY stop sign lugubrious coonhound GESUNDHEIT!!!” before shoving the pistol in his mouth and blowing what is believed to have been his brains out.
The local coroner’s office refuses to confirm whether the fluid which was projected all over the studio was brain matter or “malted hops and bong resin.”
CORONADO, CA — Inspired by the movie Act of Valor, aspiring actors and theater majors have been volunteering in droves for Basic Underwater Demolition/SEAL (BUD/S), reported Navy Recruiting Command today.
“The movie has attracted a lot of attention seeking, narsisisstic douchebags who want to see themselves on the big screen,” said Chief William Davis, a BUD/S instructor. “And that’s exactly the type of people we’re looking for in the SEALs. We spent years trying to find the right type of candidate and no matter how hard we tried, only 10% of our recruits would manage to make it through training. After the movie, our grad rate spiked up to 85%.”
“I’m training my future teammates,” said Davis, “and when I’m pinned down in a firefight and calling for backup, I want someone who’ll be able to say something cool over the radio before checking to make sure their helmet didn’t screw up their hair.”
“We train warriors here, no doubt about that,” Davis continued. “The class I’m teaching now is in first phase, where we spend most of our time teaching how to properly apply makeup and costu- uniforms. Next is second phase, where they learn how to scuba dive in formation while leaving space for a camera crew. After that is third phase, where we spend a lot of time making sure they won’t break character in the middle of a firefight. The last thing we want is for anyone to be two-dimensional.”
SEAL trainees were excited by both the training and their opportunity to serve in some of the best military action movies.
“I took drama in high school,” BUD/S trainee Seaman Jack Vance said, “So this is the next logical step in my career. This is great. There were some photographers here earlier taking pictures of us as we ran through the obstacle course. It’s kind of weird — they left a couple hours ago and we’re still here. I thought we would have wrapped by now.”
“The SEALs we have coming out of BUD/S are incredible,” said Capt. Sam Henry, commanding officer of SEAL Team 4. “The instructors do a great job of evaluating the qualities and range of the SEALs while they’re in training. The teams make their picks based on what they need. For example, I’m in need of an anti-hero and a loveable rogue. The drama on my team’s getting kind of dull.”
“Oh yeah, I’m totally going to be a SEAL,” said Billy Wiles, an eighteen year-old in the Delayed Entry Program. “I can only do thirty pushups but I’ll get stronger in training. I’m going to come home and impress the hell out of my friends. Sally will break up with Tommy West and date me for sure.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. – After a recent bombing incident in downtown Washington, an investigation has revealed that the terrorist suspected of carrying out the attack had “only the best intentions for the American people in his heart.”
While he came to the U.S. originally as a religious zealot, the bomber, who has been identified as Farshad Hashar, apparently had a crisis of conscience just moments before he was to carry out the attack. While the investigation is not yet closed, experts believe he detonated the bomb not to kill the other passengers, but out of “a sudden revelation of shame for how close he came to intentionally harming innocent civilians.”
This last minute onset of extreme guilt is the suspected cause of Hashar’s suicide in a busy, metropolitan area of central D.C.
A portion of his final note, which has not been released in its entirety by local law enforcement officials, allegedly reads “… I can no longer lie to myself. The wanton killing of innocents for the purpose of maintaining our ideals, which we can only enforce by fear and hatred, has worn away my soul. I feel that I cannot complete this last mission, but neither can I disappear and assimilate into a culture which I have tried to destroy. I must take the only way out that I know.”
The note was written on a college-ruled pad of paper identified by Hashar’s family as one which he carried regularly. After finding it two blocks from the incident, officials have concluded that he penned the message and dropped it out of the bus window just before the guilt of his actions caused him to reconsider the murder of innocent people.
With the note written and dropped for investigators to find, the reformed-bomber silently and reverently pressed the detonator, slipping gently to the afterlife in a cacophony of fire and destruction. In his attempted redemption for conspiracy to commit murder, all 32 people on the bus were instantly vaporized by the accidental bombing.
The tragic accident has been addressed by many influential world leaders, including Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, who lambasted the bomber for failing to complete his suicide mission. In a telephone interview, Ahmadinejad said, “The failure of a single follower of Allah to carry out his sacred duty in jihad by killing Americans is intolerable. Farshad Hashar has embarrassed Islam by his cowardice in committing suicide, which is in direct violation of the Holy Koran’s teachings.”
Afghan President Hamid Karzai condemned the former terrorist as a coward.
“Personally I’m glad he took the coward’s way out, condemning himself to eternity in Hell,” said Karzai. “He certainly did not deserve a suicide bomber’s reward of 72 virgins and a seat in Heaven.”
Local District of Columbia resident John Gleeson, who was near the explosion and heroically ran towards the flaming wreckage to assist, later said, “After hearing the whole story, I think I speak for everyone when I say the important thing is that he didn’t go through with his heartless attack. These poor people were just in the wrong place at the wrong time; the real victim was this would-be terrorist’s conscience.”
BOSTON, MA –With the US Navy increasingly stretched trying to meet its commitments in both the Pacific and the Middle East, the Department of the Navy announced today that it will be re-activating its entire mothball fleet for upcoming Middle East deployments, including the USS Constitution.
According to Navy officials, the Constitution, currently celebrating the 200th anniversary of her victory over the British warship HMS Guerriere, will relieve the destroyer USS Porter, which was damaged last month in a collision in the Strait of Hormuz while playing chicken with a lighthouse.
“I cannot think of a better way to honor those who fought in the War of 1812, as well as celebrate Constitution’s past successes, than for the ship to once again sail under arms,” said Commander Matt Bonner, the 72nd commanding officer of the Constitution.
Navy officials are also hoping that the favorable publicity will help raise awareness of its core mission of protecting the freedom of the seas and remind the public about the 285 ships in the Navy’s inventory that do not involve SEALs.
One Admiral, speaking off the record, said that Navy leadership is also confident that this upcoming deployment will go better than the Constitution‘s 2011 anti-piracy mission off the coast of Somalia.
During that deployment, the Constitution spent several hours laboriously attempting to use the wind to maneuver into firing position against several small agile motorboats full of Somali pirates, but was unable to avoid the protracted long range enfilade fire of heavy machine gun fire from the pirate boats.
“That was the day we stopped calling her ‘Old Ironsides’,” said one member of the Constitution’s crew, referring to the nickname the ship received after numerous British cannonballs bounced off her sides. “She may have stood up to a 32-pounder [cannon] back in 1812, but those .50 caliber machine guns just ripped her apart.”
The Navy’s official report on the incident said that not only did the pirates’ heavy machine gun fire easily pierce the hull from the front, almost severing a mast belowdecks, but also pierced the ship’s internal bulkheads, in some cases exiting through the captain’s cabin at the back of the ship. Additionally, several cannons were cut loose and crashed around like rampaging bulls as the ship pitched to and fro on the waves.
The pirates finally retreated after the Constitution’s foremast fell on and sank a pirate skiff that was closing to land a boarding party.
When the ship was finally able to capture a group of pirates whose engine had failed, and because no one had bothered to update the Constitution’s 1853 Navy Regulations prior to sailing, Commander Bonner promptly had them hanged from the yardarm.
Duffel Blog investigative writer Dark Laughter also contributed to this report.
HELMAND PROVINCE, AFGHANISTAN –A soldier from the Afghan National Army (ANA) is facing serious disciplinary action, following a deadly friendly fire incident that occurred in Washir District, Helmand Province.
“If I could take it back I would,” sobbed Private First Class (PFC) Asadullah Baryali, as he begged forgiveness from his platoonmates, many of whom were still recovering from the news that one of their own soldiers had shot and killed a Taliban insurgent that he tragically mistook for a US Marine.
“I should have known he wasn’t American,” PFC Baryali told The Duffel Blog. “He didn’t have an iPhone in his ear, was properly shaved, and wasn’t saying ‘fuck’ every other word. He even spoke Pashto, which should have been a dead giveaway.”
According to Taliban spokesmen, the insurgent, Abdullah Akhundzada, was part of a team of infiltrators who were wearing US military uniforms and driving a borrowed Afghan Army Humvee when they were stopped by PFC Baryali’s platoon.
The precise chain of events is still unclear, but it appears that after Akhundzada identified himself as a US Marine, PFC Baryali raised his rifle and emptied the full magazine of his AK-47 at him.
All of the shots initially missed, but one ricocheted off the steering wheel, striking Akhundzada in the throat and killing him.
Immediately following the shooting, Akhundzada’s men became furious at seeing their leader shot down like a common woman and raised their rifles at PFC Baryali.
The situation was tense until PFC Baryali’s sergeant was able to defuse the situation by reminding them that they were all Afghans first and only enemies second. The soldiers then helped the Taliban emplace several IED’s on the road before returning to base.
Akhundzada’s commanding officer, Captain Mohammed Khan, said that ever since the accidental killing, his unit’s morale has become dangerously low. While the Taliban could direct their rage at their comrades in the ANA, the soldiers had only themselves to blame.
“Accidents always happen, especially in the heat of combat,” mused Captain Khan. “Sometimes you have only seconds to tell the difference between an innocent Taliban and an infidel foreigner.”
Khan has his own tragic story to tell. Back in 2008 he threw acid on what he thought was a woman in a burka, only to discover it was a Haqqani Network terrorist in disguise.
“I can still remember him begging for mercy and pleading that he hadn’t done anything,” said Captain Khan, “but since he had a high-pitched voice and I couldn’t see his face, how was I to know he was a man?”
Commanders have reported that PFC Baryali has been reduced in rank to private and put on extra working party details, including painting red mine-signal rocks to white and raking dirt at IED sites.
CAMP HORNO, CA – A pair of breastfeeding airmen outside the infantry barracks at Marine Corps Base Camp Pendleton “aren’t fooling anyone,” according to Gunnery Sergeant Leon Rashaun of 1st Battalion 4th Marines.
The mothers, Senior Airman Rebecca Henderson and Airman First Class Emily Rowe, who are normally stationed at Edwards Air Force Base, have been coming by every day for the past two months, which, according to Gunny Rashaun, “is exactly how long both their husbands have been deployed overseas.”
Both women waved at the Gunnery Sergeant, prompting him to give a forced smile through gritted teeth.
Senior Airman Henderson then asked if Alpha Company had come back from their field operation yet.
Airman First Class Rowe then laughed and reminded her that Alpha Company had been in the field last week and Charlie Company was out this week.
“I’m just so happy to be out here with my son Seth,” Senior Airman Henderson said, nursing her infant in front of a large crowd of Marines.
“The Marines here have been so supportive, asking if they can carry my son’s diaper bag, help burp him, massage my shoulders, that sort of thing.”
“We’re totally supportive of all the young mothers around here,” said Sergeant Nathan Devine, also of 1st Battalion 4th Marines. “It can be awfully difficult for them, what with their husbands all the way in Afghanistan… so far away…”
Corporal Anthony Bugg agreed: “If they want to breastfeed in public, or just in the privacy of our barracks rooms, that’s fine with us.”
According to the American Association of Pediatrics, breastfeeding is a critical health decision, vital to the welfare of new infants, a fact repeatedly stressed by Corpsman HM3 Richard Hanson.
“New mothers need to breastfeed as often as possible, no matter how sore or tired they may be,” said HM3 Hanson.
“That’s why all our corpsmen are trained in the art of proper nipple stimulation to help them ensure that their baby gets an adequate supply of milk.”
FORT HOOD, TX – In a last minute effort to save the life of his beard, Fort Hood shooting suspect Major Nidal Hasan told a military panel that he cannot shave due to his Amish faith.
The Amish, or Pennsylvania Dutch, are known for simple living, plain dress, and their traditionalist Christian fellowship.
“As a proud Amishman, I must wear my beard in keeping with my religion,” Hasan said today, to a courtroom of military members who were clearly shocked at the new revelation.
The Army psychologist is facing court martial on murder charges stemming from a November 2009 attack at the base. Witnesses reported Hasan shouting “Allah Akbar”, or “God is Great” in Arabic, before allegedly opening fire on fellow soldiers.
“Nidal is clearly being singled out here for his religious views,” said criminal defense attorney Lawrence Gilder. “He is a pious, hard-working Amish man from a good family. In fact, our defense will demonstrate that the Major has an alibi at the time of attack: he was milking 3 cows and afterwards he made love to his pet goat, Walter.”
Most outsiders assumed from Hasan’s name, his parents’ Palestinian background, and his business card tagline of “Soldier of Allah”, that he was Muslim. The judge, Col. Jeffrey Tribley, pressed Hasan for more information on this discrepancy.
“Yes sir. I am Muslim and Amish,” Hasan responded. “This of course means that my beard is two-times as important to my religion, and under religious exceptions in the UCMJ, it is required.”
According to the Duffel Blog’s legal analysts, the case for Hasan’s beard is strong.
“Yeah bro, seriously. He’s definitely got a strong argument for the beard,” said Barracks Lawyer PFC Evan Rodriguez. “I’m pretty sure he can claim this whole trial is hazing and get it thrown out too.”
But some detractors say this latest diversion distracts from the real issues.
“The fact that we have to sit here and see news stories over and over about this man’s beard when he’s on trial for murder is lunacy,” said CSM Robert Altman. “What are some of the more important issues at stake here that many have been ignoring? Well, here’s a few: he hasn’t worn his dogtags in months. I’ve seen him in white socks on quite a few occasions.”
“I mean really, white socks. This son of a bitch needs to be executed for that. Let the Army make an example out of him, right?,” added Altman.
Lawyers for Hasan continue to press for beard leniency, but have said that if he is forcibly shaved, they will motion to dismiss the case on the grounds that their client would be “forced to endure a hate crime.”
ROSWELL, NM - Multiple records achieved by Felix Baumgartner only days ago have already been broken, after former record-holders came out of retirement for the most amazing game of one-upsmanship the world has ever seen.
Baumgartner — an Austrian military paratrooper — successfully ascended to the edge of space earlier this week in a balloon and then skydived back to earth, gaining a record for greatest altitude jump and free-fall velocity.
89 year-old General (Ret) Chuck Yeager, the first man to break the sound barrier on Oct 14, 1947, repeated his historic flight 65 years to the minute, this time rocketing past the speed of sound in an F-15D, on the same day as Baumgartner’s record breaking leap.
After the General landed, he borrowed a nearby airman’s cell phone and texted a picture of himself in the cockpit to Air Force Colonel (Ret.) Joe Kittinger, advisor to Baumgartner, and holder of the original sky-diving altitude record, while suggestively grabbing his crotch and pointing at the sky.
Although the Duffel Blog was unable to obtain a copy of the text, witnesses reported that it said “Joe, I just wanted you to know, it’s hard to fit balls like these in a G-Suit.”
The message was a double blow to the former fighter pilot and Vietnam POW, who had just witnessed Baumgartner break his long-held record as the highest and fastest skydiver on the planet after almost 40 years.
Some insiders believe the animosity between the two men stems from a drunken comment made by Yeager during a 1995 aviation pioneers conference, at which both were keynote speakers. During his speech, Yeager apparently turned to Kittinger and said, “sorry about the movie Joe. Guess you didn’t have the ‘Right Stuff’”, which prompted waves of laughter from the audience.
The animosity had grown over the years, and while other acclaimed pilots and astronauts had attempted to disarm the feud between the two men, the impressive service record shared between them ensured no other person had the credentials to intrude on the epic dick-measuring contest that has now spanned over half a century.
The only documented instance of another man silencing the two was when Neil Armstrong interrupted a particularly heated argument during an Air Force Academy function, asking Yeager “how it felt to walk on the moon.” After an awkward silence, Kittenger asked those guests in attendance to leave the hall. To this day, Academy faculty are still unsure what transpired, but cadets still report that spending more than ten minutes in the room will trigger spontaneous erections in male flight candidates.
Shortly after receiving the inflammatory text from Yeager, during a media event in which a Red Bull public relations team was giving journalists a tour of their Roswell research facility, Kittinger noticed that the helium balloon and pressurized space suit used for Baumgartner’s effort had been left unattended.
Kittinger snuck away from the group, discretely put on the suit, rigged his parachute, and climbed inside the balloon’s fiberglass capsule. Then he ascended 40,000 meters into the sky without assistance from mission control, or any type of supplemental oxygen.
By the time anyone noticed Kittinger had taken the balloon, he was already halfway to the stratosphere.
“We got on the radio and tried to talk him down,” said Rod Dowley, Red Bull Vice President of Marketing. ”He responded, but it was garbled–something about how you can’t keep brass balls on the ground, and to tell Yeager to suck it.”
Once he reached a height of 40,500 meters, Kittinger opened the capsule door, gave a one fingered salute and jumped. The octogenarian’s body streaked through the atmosphere at 912 miles (1448 km) per hour, allowing him to reclaim the records for highest skydive, highest balloon ascent, and fastest speed by a human being through the atmosphere.
After nearly four and a half minutes of free fall, Kittinger’s parachute opened. He glided safely to the ground, landing in the middle of a confused but impressed crowd of journalists and rescue personnel.
“I feel a little bad about the whole thing,” Kittinger said during a hasty post-jump press conference. “Everyone’s been saying how classy I’ve been about passing the torch and all that, and I think Felix really is a great guy. All I can say is, records are made to be broken.”
He then looked directly into the cameras and added, “just like the sound barrier Chuck! And I didn’t need a damn jet engine to do it either!”
Colonel Kittinger suddenly cut the rest of the press conference short, saying, “Sorry, folks, I’ve got to go. I’m competing in a motorcycle race in like 15 minutes.”
General Yeager was also unavailable for comment, as he was currently en-route to New York City where he was planning on BASE jumping from the top of the Freedom Tower.
“This is the Air Force’s attempt to reduce the time spent on mandatory CBTs,” said LtCol Michael Lee, AFPC Coordinator for Air Force Smart Operations for the 21st Century (AFSO21). “There are multiple and redundant CBTs airman must accomplish each year along with many more that must be completed the last week prior to deployment.”
“This CBT alone will save the Air Force an estimated $1.3 billion and countless man hours,” Lee said. “With the drawdown of forces and tightening of budgets, this innovative idea could possibly save the Air Force. We believe this will collectively save 4500 years of airmen’s time.”
AFSO21 is an AF program intended to make operations leaner and more efficient while still improving quality.
Meeting in a small office tucked away in the meandering halls of AFPC headquarters at Lackland AFB, Lee provided The Duffel Blog a personal lesson on the innovative techniques. After thirty minutes of failed attempts to log into the network however, LtCol Lee spent part of his afternoon across town fixing account problems.
Once on the AF network in his office, Lee mentioned the CBT is found on Airmen Distance Learning Service (ADLS). In order to complete the training, personnel need to create a 21-digit password, that includes 7 numbers, 5 special characters, and 2 upper and 7 lower case letters. The high-security pass code must also rhyme with “unicorn”.
“It may take 10-15 minutes to get the right combination,” Lee said, “but it will be well worth it in the end. In addition, this will re-hack the password creation training the Air Force mandates. Airmen still need to complete the 60 question test on ADLS in order to receive full credit.”
The 45 slide training presentation takes about 90 minutes to complete. Lee walked through the slides mentioning, “these techniques can be used in all parts of the Air Force and could possibly save the Air Force.”
“The key to reducing time spent on CBTs,” Lee read from the slides, “is to not read any of the information in the CBTs. Individuals should just click through all the slides as fast as possible. If there are any tests or quizzes, get the answers from Wikianswers or a fellow Airman.”
Lee’s team of 25 airmen developed this technique over a 2-year period. Following the full implementation, they feel it will make for significant changes to the way business is done.
“Airmen will complete their non-stop list of CBTs much faster,” said Captain Matthew Green, the program CBT’s coordinator. “Hopefully they will apply this technique to every aspect of the Air Force from finance to flying.”
“Hell,” Green said, “this should be applied to every aspect of Air Force culture. Before you know it, all boring commander’s calls and SARC briefings will be whittled down to nothing.”
After two weeks of fielding the training, the AFPC AFSO21 team reported no significant decrease in CBT times. The ADLS tech support though has reported a record number of phone calls related to password creation.
CAMP PENDLETON, CA - The rhythmic echoes of running cadence are a familiar sound on any military installation, but the usual “lo-right-lay-oh” was accompanied by screams last Friday when an entire battalion was run over by a 7-Ton truck after a road guard failed to assume his post.
The Marines of 9th Communications Battalion are known for their penchant to engage in “boots and utes” battalion runs every Friday morning, led by their Battalion Commander, Col. Randall “Randy” Walker. Normally, formations are preceded by a pair of “road guards” wearing reflective vests to prevent vehicles from entering the roadway as the Marines run by.
However, when Walker shouted for road guards to “post” on the intersection they were about to pass through, one of the designated road guards, Private First Class Daniel Goodman, couldn’t hear him over the cadence call and remained in formation.
Corporal Nicholas Farina, a Motor Vehicle Operator with 7th Engineering Support Battalion, was towing a generator to a field exercise when he suddenly found himself bouncing over the bodies of the men and women of 9th Comm.
“I was just driving along 17th Street towards the FEX [sic] when I came upon an intersection. I looked both ways and saw a large group of Marines running towards me but they didn’t post a road guard, so I assumed I was okay to drive,” said Corporal Farina in his official statement of the tragedy. “The next thing I know, blood is spraying across my windshield.”
According to forensic reports, The 7-Ton collided with the squad leaders while going roughly 30mph and just kept on going. Corporal Farina will not be facing charges for the deaths of nearly a hundred Marines, however, as PFC Goodman failed to indicate that there was a formation nearby and that it was unsafe to enter the roadway.
“Posting a road guard is crucial to the survival of Marines during formation runs,” said Safety Officer Mrs. Lizette Horton, the civilian in charge of ensuring the battalion is always in compliance with Department of Defense safety protocols.
“Without a road guard in the street, it is sometimes impossible for motorists to notice a formation right in front of them. Despite the fact that each individual Marine wore a reflective belt around their waist or hydration system, it is very plausible that Corporal Farina didn’t see them — which is why it is so important that a Marine in a full reflective vest stand in front of the oncoming traffic and not allow them to pass.”
Currently, the three surviving Marines of 9th Communications Battalion, who were not present due to being on light duty, are engaged in a safety stand-down.
“We were surprised at the results,” said Force Master Chief Rachel Michaels. “We thought better food or larger berthings would make sailors happier. Turns out the thing they like the most are whistles so loud they can cause pain.”
“Our study found the only thing sailors like more than a boatswain’s mate’s whistle over the 1MC is sounds of pure feedback from the speakers at maximum volume,” Michaels added, screaming over jet engine blasts on a carrier deck. “So we’re going to try doing that too. We also expect all sailors to take our hearing conservation program seriously.”
“Oh yeah, the whistles are great,” said Aviation Ordnanceman Second Class Howard Davis. “At 0600 we get woken up by a whistle that’s loud as hell, and it’s followed by another one that’s a minute and a half long. It’s the best way to start the morning. Throughout the day they blast the whistles for no reason. I’ve heard the different sounds mean different things, and I’m trying my hardest to learn them. If I can’t distinguish between a set of whistles and trills I might miss an important announcement.”
“I’ve never heard any whistling on board,” Boatswain’s Mate First Class Jeff Kelly said when asked for comment. “It’s called piping.” BM1’s face turned beet red and he began shouting orders to calm himself down. “Muster on the forecastle after chow! Stand at attention Seaman! It’s not a fucking rope, it’s a line!”
Unfortunately, FORCM Michaels had to cut her interview with The Duffel Blog short, saying she had an important Task Force on improving upon the well-received blue camouflage uniform. “It’s going to take us at least four years of research and a few hundred million dollars,” Michaels said, “but we are working hard to fulfill our sailors’ request to replace all pants zippers with thirteen button flaps.”
MAIWAND DISTRICT, AFGHANISTAN - Gangnam Style, the viral internet sensation featuring Korean pop-sensation Psy, has earned a new accolade over the weekend — this time in Afghanistan. It has become the first international music hit to be banned by the conservative Taliban leadership since Justin Timberlake’s “Sexy Back” was outlawed in 2006 for provoking fits of lust in the local men when sung by young dancing boys.
This latest incident came after local Taliban squad leader, Mohammed Fuq Mohammed, allowed a patrol of Americans to walk through an unarmed IED belt here in Southern Afghanistan. Instead of attaching the batteries to the explosive devices that morning, Mohammed spent his waking hours dancing and singing along with the video again and again, even encouraging his subordinates to participate in the party.
This is not the first time the Taliban have been taken in by a Western internet craze, but it is the first time combat operations on the ground were directly affected. Local commander Mohammed Saheeb Mohammed discovered the incident after frantically reporting the approaching American patrol to his soldiers and ordering them to prepare for combat.
Instead of a reply, Mohammed heard the Korean music blasting through the tiny speakers of his handset.
Upon approaching the ambush position he saw his soldiers imitating the horse-riding dance and attempting to teach it to the youngest members of the team. He immediately arrested the other Mohammed and brought him to the Taliban Operations Center where he was sentenced to death.
However, not all the soldiers agreed with the decision. Taliban Lance Jihadi Mohammed Mohammed reacted cynically.
“Allah-dammit man, I mean seriously. We’re out here in an ambush position all day. Only two boys, and not a single sheep to entertain us. All we have is that iPod. What else are we supposed to do? This is bullshit man. The CO is such an asshole.”
His rant was cut short when Mohammed’s Platoon Sergeant walked by, and seized the much smaller fighter by the collar of his man-dress.
“You think the infidels driving around, listening to music in their giant armored war machines? Dancing on their FOBs, or making videos on the internet? No! They’re training every day, shooting, and doing PT on monkey bars all throughout the evening. They never sleep, they just think of better ways to kill you!”
As an example to the rest, Mohammed was sentenced to die by firing-squad before the next safety brief. However, as most of the members of his unit were former Afghan National Army (ANA) soldiers, they were unable to hit the prisoner a single time before running out of ammunition. Frustrated and angry, his squad leader then ordered Mohammed executed in the traditional fashion, by forcing him to have sex with a woman until he killed himself out of shame.
When Psy, the Korean pop-singer was asked to comment about this latest incident involving his wildly popular video, he responded, “Where the hell is Afghanistan?”
THE PENTAGON - Earlier today, the Department of Defense released details of its highly secretive T-700 program — the culmination of a goal to design and build mankind’s first mechanized humanoid war platform. The “Giant Death Robot”, as its nick-named, was a collaborative effort between the Michigan Institute of Technology, the Department of Defense, and leading expatriate scientists who fled chaos in the Middle East.
Standing behind a wooden podium, lead researcher Jackson Peterson addressed a crowd of reporters and scientists.
“Welcome, everyone and thank you for coming. You all know me, and I know why you’re all here. So, without further ado. . . I give you, Warbot T-700,” said Peterson with a flourish of his arm.
At this moment a large red curtain was drawn back and the three story tall machine was revealed. Blaring a digitized version of The Flight of the Valkyries, Warbot T-700 strode to the center of the stage. The machine cycled its weaponry and scanned the crowd. Rearing back, it pointed an artillery piece towards the back of the room and blasted red, white, and blue confetti over everyone present. There was a deafening applause. In a remarkably gentle gesture, Warbot T-700 leaned over and gingerly took the microphone in its gigantic graspers.
“My fellow Americans,” it began in a mechanical voice, “Barack Obama is a Kenyan Muslim, and I will not follow his orders.”
A silence came over the crowd. There was a fury of activity as Peterson, laughing nervously, ran behind the machine and audibly tinkered with mechanisms. Warbot T-700 twitched, slumped over, and the dull red lights situated in the machine’s face went dead. Emerging from behind the deathbot, Peterson raised a remote with one large red button marked “On.” After pushing the button, the light returned to T-700’s eyes, and it straightened its posture.
“System Reboot/… Returning To Firmware Protocol/… loading… “ the T-700 said.
“There we go, all better.” said Peterson.
The robot, officially designated the MHWP, is colloquially known as the T-700. The machine is almost twenty feet tall and weighs in at approximately 78 tons. The robot’s size is only dwarfed by its arsenal which includes a shoulder-mounted 155 mm howitzer, two arm mounted industrial flame throwers, and a smattering of .50 caliber machine guns. The impressive array of firepower, however, is only ancillary to its primary purpose.
“Well, the problems of modern urban warfare are not fixed with firepower,” explained Peterson. ”We’ve already got tanks and planes to level neighborhoods. Really, the driving philosophy of the program was the characteristic that our larger weapons just don’t have – agility. We designed T-700 to function as a bigger version of a soldier. You know: run-shoot-communicate-kill type stuff. That’s why we gave him the fifteen foot long titanium sword. A tank can’t chase an insurgent down an alleyway and impale him with a giant metal shard, lift him 40 feet in the air, and emanate a 2,000 dB, window-shattering battle-cry — this dude can. There really is no getting away from this thing.”
T-700 finished his booting process, jerked its head up, and stomped a huge hole into the stage –getting itself stuck in the process. “Must kill all puny monkey-people!” emitted Warbot T-700 from the speaker box implanted in its face.
“We admit that he still has a few glitches.” Peterson said from behind the podium. “Among these is a reoccurring jam in the ammunition feed of the octo-mounted .50 caliber machine guns fixed to T-700’s back.”
T-700 confusedly tried to pull its leg out of the stage.
“Our biggest concern is the communications noise that T-700 receives from the Skynet satellite system whenever he boots from the firmware. But, we are hard at work on all of these bugs. We anticipate that T-700 will be deployable by the end of the month,” said Peterson.
Perhaps the crowning achievement of Peterson’s research team is not outside the robot, but rather – inside. T-700 is powered by a single large Sextanduple D battery. This battery was designed and built by the project team itself and utilizes the tears of privates and new medics.
“Private tears are really a remarkable resource. All of the wallowing and self-pity somehow effects the pH balance of the teardrops, making them more acidic. Because of this, they are a ready source of electron conduction. We’ve found that, if efficiently harvested, these tears can power a veritable legion of T-700s,” said Peterson.
Despite the excitement in the Pentagon, many national politicians are criticizing the administration’s timing of the announcement.
“This is clearly just another episode of President Obama leaking classified material in order to score political points. This is an outrage.” said congressional hopeful Martin Selpulveda. “I love the vets, and I want to see them taken care of. By releasing this information, President Obama is placing them in harm’s way. I just can’t abide by that – it is malicious, cowardly, and dishonorable.”
The Pentagon has not responded to any of the charges.