CORONADO, CA — Inspired by the movie Act of Valor, aspiring actors and theater majors have been volunteering in droves for Basic Underwater Demolition/SEAL (BUD/S), reported Navy Recruiting Command today.
“The movie has attracted a lot of attention seeking, narsisisstic douchebags who want to see themselves on the big screen,” said Chief William Davis, a BUD/S instructor. “And that’s exactly the type of people we’re looking for in the SEALs. We spent years trying to find the right type of candidate and no matter how hard we tried, only 10% of our recruits would manage to make it through training. After the movie, our grad rate spiked up to 85%.”
“I’m training my future teammates,” said Davis, “and when I’m pinned down in a firefight and calling for backup, I want someone who’ll be able to say something cool over the radio before checking to make sure their helmet didn’t screw up their hair.”
“We train warriors here, no doubt about that,” Davis continued. “The class I’m teaching now is in first phase, where we spend most of our time teaching how to properly apply makeup and costu- uniforms. Next is second phase, where they learn how to scuba dive in formation while leaving space for a camera crew. After that is third phase, where we spend a lot of time making sure they won’t break character in the middle of a firefight. The last thing we want is for anyone to be two-dimensional.”
SEAL trainees were excited by both the training and their opportunity to serve in some of the best military action movies.
“I took drama in high school,” BUD/S trainee Seaman Jack Vance said, “So this is the next logical step in my career. This is great. There were some photographers here earlier taking pictures of us as we ran through the obstacle course. It’s kind of weird — they left a couple hours ago and we’re still here. I thought we would have wrapped by now.”
“The SEALs we have coming out of BUD/S are incredible,” said Capt. Sam Henry, commanding officer of SEAL Team 4. “The instructors do a great job of evaluating the qualities and range of the SEALs while they’re in training. The teams make their picks based on what they need. For example, I’m in need of an anti-hero and a loveable rogue. The drama on my team’s getting kind of dull.”
“Oh yeah, I’m totally going to be a SEAL,” said Billy Wiles, an eighteen year-old in the Delayed Entry Program. “I can only do thirty pushups but I’ll get stronger in training. I’m going to come home and impress the hell out of my friends. Sally will break up with Tommy West and date me for sure.”