GUANTANAMO BAY, CUBA — Numerous sources at Naval Station Guantanamo Bay are confirming the sighting of a new female employee on the base this morning, and many are speculating on her current rating.
“She’s like an 8, and I don’t mean a Gitmo 8,” said Master at Arms 3rd Class (MA3) Frank Newman, assigned to the Joint Detention Group (JDG) and charged with guarding the detainees currently held at Joint Task Force detention camps.
Newman is referring to the common practice of assigning a numerical rating to women based on their physical attractiveness.
“A GTMO 8 pretty much tells you that she doesn’t have any visible scars or a club foot. For comparison, a 7 means she doesn’t sweat too much, and a 6 is mostly likely confirmed as female.”
“Below a 5, well … Khalid Sheikh Mohammed is above that, just to give you an idea,” he added.
When asked to assign a rating to a female colleague seen at the Cusco barracks, Newman remarked, “Oh that bitch? MA2 Harper, pfft she’s gay dude. I bought her a drink once and she wouldn’t come back to my room. I told her my roommate was out and I have Scarface on Bluray but no joy. She’s totally gay.”
Newman has had limited success with the fairer sex during his tenure at JTF GTMO, apparently due to what he calls “the high instances of homosexuality among women assigned to the remote base.”
“Dude there are so many [lesbians] here, trust me. When I go out to score chicks I bring the thunder, know what I mean?”
MA2 Jessica Harper, also of Cusco barracks commented on his hypothesis, saying it was “absolutely gross.”
After initial reports of the hot chick hit the local bar called O’Kelly’s, Soldiers and Sailors speculated on the identity of the alleged ‘8’. Cryptologic Technician Collection 1st Class (CTR1) Aaron Smith of the Joint Intelligence Group took command of the situation and implemented an organized search of the bowling alley, Taco Bell, Jerk House restaurant, and the movie theater.
During the search, the parties picked up more male volunteers as the news spread.
“Holy shit an 8?!?,” said an unidentified man carrying a folding camp chair sprinting away from the Friday night double feature. “Dibs motherfuckers! Dibs!”
As of Monday evening there have been no confirmed sightings of the mysterious beauty, but a dive shop owner and operator who asked to only be identified as “J”, claims to have seen what he believes to be the newcomer in question eating brunch at the highly rated Windjammer restaurant Sunday morning, “I couldn’t really tell because she had [members of the Puerto Rican National Guard] hanging all over her.”
Undeterred and visibly aroused, CTR1 Smith said he is “definitely going with my boys to check out Windmill Beach this weekend.”
This isn’t an isolated sighting among deployed service members, with other bases having similar reports. At Kandahar Air Field, soldiers with the 10th Mountain Division have confirmed spotting what they believed to be a “Deployment 10” — a new record for the unit.