Shocking Report: Air Force Colonel Explodes Notorious SSF October 4, 2012 Air Force 18 Comments Follow Duffel Blog: PATRICK AFB, FL – The 45th Space Wing Operations Group is in mourning this week after the sudden “death by explosion” of their group commander, Colonel Alan Riddick, on Monday morning. Witnesses report that during their weekly staff meeting the colonel suddenly and without warning exploded into a bloody shower of human flesh as he sat at the head of the group’s main conference room table. “What a horrible thing to happen,” remarked Stanly Tushi, the group’s facility manager. “We just remodeled that room. More government dollars gone to waste.” “He looked so happy just before he exploded,” another witness reports, “He was kind of smiling, like he knew that it was his time to go and he was at peace with it.” When asked if the military members in the room when the colonel exploded would be reimbursed for new uniforms on account of their current ones being covered in human sinew, a representative from the Air Force Manpower and Personnel Office replied, “Absolutely not. We’d have to re-write the whole Air Force Instruction for that contingency, and human explosions only happen maybe once or twice a year, so it’s not cost-effective for the government.” Authorities are baffled by what actually caused the colonel to explode, though one popular theory contends that Colonel Riddick somehow swallowed an unknown quantity of volatile ordnance. Others have speculated that he may have willed himself to explode in a rare form of Asian meditation suicide, brought on by a recent rash of alligator attacks and lightning strike deaths within his unit that the wing commander publicly blamed on the colonel. Another fringe theory only whispered about involves Mentos, Diet Coke, and human sperm. “For now, we’re calling this one an act of God,” the medical examiner told reporters. “Hey, sometimes people just explode. It happens,” he added. As a precautionary measure the base dining facility has eliminated their popular Hot Chili Surprise dinner special from its menu. Dudley Toelke says: April 16, 2014 at 1:09 AM Lay off those Genadios for breakfast. Mike Harris Sr. says: April 16, 2014 at 1:09 AM The Colonel was sitting on his pressure relief valve. There is a sign warning about this in the enlisted dining hall but not , I guess, in the officers mess. Chili omelet Mondays will be cancelled until further notice. Brandon Waithe says: April 16, 2014 at 1:09 AM this was alright…i think they should do an article at how lame some of the bullets for some of these “Airmen of the Year” are. Peter Kirk says: April 16, 2014 at 1:09 AM pop,, goes the weasel! Scott Robinett says: April 16, 2014 at 1:09 AM I think this is covered in FM 5-250 Chapter 6. Jerry Beingesser says: April 16, 2014 at 1:09 AM I’ll bet someone at the American Legion is cranking up to do the semen/coke thing right now. Thomas R. McClure says: April 16, 2014 at 1:09 AM such crap………… Taylor Crowe says: April 16, 2014 at 1:09 AM Have to admit I lol’d at the part where they said they’d have to rewrite the AFI to cover random personnel explosions. That is classic Big Air Force. The next step will be a new mandatory CBT: Spontaneous Combustion Awareness Level 1 Training. Kevin Massey says: April 16, 2014 at 1:09 AM The utter calmness displayed by the rest of the room is inspiring! Robert Dawson says: April 16, 2014 at 1:09 AM If only this would really happen… DocGay/James Gay says: October 31, 2012 at 2:47 PM DocGay-You talk about being in the HOT SEAT WOW,I bet that hurts.De Oppresso Liber RAWR says: October 18, 2012 at 6:38 PM BRING BACK TURKEY NOODLE! RIGHT MEOW! Bomb Loader says: October 4, 2012 at 5:26 PM He probably exploded because those guys in his meeting wearing BDU’s long after the deadline to wear ABU’s. CPT 2003 says: October 9, 2012 at 8:23 AM those guys were public health service – you know – they have a huge budget for space operations Michael Smalley, CMS, UASFR (RET) says: October 4, 2012 at 1:29 PM Do you have any idea how many times I wish this would have happened during my 30 year career! Gomer says: October 4, 2012 at 11:28 AM LOL Chair Force. that guy says: October 4, 2012 at 10:34 AM The guy on the left was suggesting cutbacks in the Airmen Cable TV fund.