Ted Turner: ‘Troops Should All Commit Suicide, I’m A Moron’ B October 25, 2012 News 32 Comments ATLANTA, GA – Viewers of Piers Morgan Tonight were shocked at Ted Turner’s controversial comments last night concerning suicide among US service members, but an anonymous CNN producer has informed Duffel Blog that many missed the full context. On the program, Turner stated that it was good that troops were committing suicide because it showed an aversion to war. Producers, realizing the stupidity of his comments, quickly moved to commercial but cameras still rolled as he stated, “I think it’d be great if they’d all commit suicide. Hell, if they all just shot themselves we wouldn’t have to worry about any more wars because nobody’d be left to fight!” Turner then turned his criticism inward, according to the anonymous CNN staffer. “Also, I don’t know if you guys caught on to this yet, but I’m a fucking moron. I’m not happy to say it, but I really am. Pretty much just assume that 90% of what comes out of my mouth is just benign dribble that shouldn’t even be produced in a kindergarten class.” Shockingly, Mr. Turner then pulled out a .45 caliber pistol and said, “I’ve got to do this, it shows an aversion to stupidity,” followed by an incoherent string of word vomit that was best interpreted as “Mouthwash TITTY stop sign lugubrious coonhound GESUNDHEIT!!!” before shoving the pistol in his mouth and blowing what is believed to have been his brains out. The local coroner’s office refuses to confirm whether the fluid which was projected all over the studio was brain matter or “malted hops and bong resin.” Duffel Blog reporters Jay and Paul contributed to this article. Don't miss the next story.Get the latest news and alerts from Duffel Blog delivered to your inbox—free. Short URL: http://duffelblog.com/x40jh Courtney Ehlers says: April 16, 2014 at 2:39 AM That’s totally not what “benign” means. William F. Campbell says: April 16, 2014 at 2:39 AM WOULD BE NICE IF IT HAPPENED. Scott Robinett says: April 16, 2014 at 2:39 AM What, no reference to USS Jane Fonda? Barbara Lawrence says: April 16, 2014 at 2:39 AM You know he’s a useless waste of oxygen when even Hanoi Jane can’t stand his worthless ass. Taylor Crowe says: April 16, 2014 at 2:39 AM I thought it was another joke until I saw the actual interview…jesus dicking christ…fuck you too Ted Turner. Josh Noble says: April 16, 2014 at 2:39 AM The worst part of this is that part of this is true. Ladies and gentleman, this is a rich and famous man, head of a large corporation. Proof positive you don’t have to be smart, just lucky and well connected. Stupid counts for nothing. Gi Bane says: April 16, 2014 at 2:39 AM dafuq Peter Kirk says: April 16, 2014 at 2:39 AM this story shall be my wet dream for tonite! SandyandTony Kolke says: April 16, 2014 at 2:39 AM M wondering if you know how much shit you have stirred up! Lol Joseph Dusa says: April 16, 2014 at 2:39 AM It is nice to know how much the Jacka#$ support the very men and women who give him the right to be that JackA#$. John Valentino says: April 16, 2014 at 2:39 AM I am most definitely going to start peppering my sentences with completely inappropriate outbursts of yelling lugubrious. BRILLIANT! Louis Levesque says: April 16, 2014 at 2:39 AM “Malted hops and bong resin” had me almost snorting beer over my keyboard. Michael Magrino says: April 16, 2014 at 2:39 AM We can only hope reads and is inspired by the article. Hopefully his ex wife Hanoi Jane will do the same. Barry says: October 31, 2012 at 10:14 AM Anyone who advocates the suicide of ANY member or veteran of our armed services is lower than whale shit. This also goes for those dickheads in the comments too. Lt. Butero-Trinkejo says: October 26, 2012 at 7:30 PM If you really think about it, this guy used to regularly stick his dick into Jane Fonda. I think I would rather stick my dick in a weed eater than that. Saxon says: October 27, 2012 at 12:08 PM I agree Lt, now if only Jane Fonda would John Eric Hexum herself. Lt. Butero-Trinkejo says: October 26, 2012 at 6:16 PM I didn’t think a gunshot wound to the head would be fatal to Ted Turner… Bocadious Boedi says: October 26, 2012 at 4:45 PM Now if only Dear Leader would follow his example. Roger Brown says: October 26, 2012 at 7:11 AM http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/news/ted-turner-soldier-suicide-comments-383284 He apologized and said it was “good that the public is more aware of these tragedies and is more averse to war and war-related fatalities.” Whatever, DoucheBag. Why don’t you join Hillsboro Baptist Church? Trolltastic says: October 25, 2012 at 7:08 PM See what I mean? You can barely string words together to form a coherent sentence. SME? Please. WOLF (Warrant Officer Liberation Front) says: October 25, 2012 at 9:04 PM It is difficult for a Troll to understand being mentally challenged, so let me explain using small words. You, Troll, must go home. That is under a bridge, in case you forgot where trolls live. You, Troll, need to go bam bam in your mama, like all you incestuous trolls do. It must be difficult to know what to call your sister since she is also your daughter… I would like to know only one thing. Do you call your sister’s child “son” or “grandson?” WOLF (Warrant Officer Liberation Front) says: October 25, 2012 at 9:23 PM Sorry Troll, I used a big word that will be difficult for a Fuctard such as you to understand. Incestuous means you like to have sex with your mama, daddy, sister, and in your case, child/grandchild. SGT B says: October 25, 2012 at 11:55 PM GODDAMNIT, EVERYONE GET IN MY OFFICE NOW FOR A FUCKING AR-15 ON THIS SHIT. donkey hotep says: October 26, 2012 at 6:47 AM Warrants are the soap scum of the universe. They show up, don’t perform a useful purpose, are hard to get rid of without chemical weapons, and demand that you notice them. Oh look Troll, the specialist, opps, Warrant, knowed a big word. Gosh, he sure is smart. WOLF: Warrants, our lazy fucks. WOPA says: October 26, 2012 at 10:11 AM @ WOLF, Don’t feed the Trolls, and Donkeys are just stupid animals. As I say “You can’t teach Stupid…” WOLF (Warrant Officer Liberation Front) says: October 26, 2012 at 12:30 PM Donkey Ho, Are you having trouble spelling? WTF does ‘opps’ mean? You really show how stupid jackasses are if you think calling me a specialist is an insult. Hey Bro/Sis WOPA! Thanks, you are right. You cannot teach the stupid, you can only teach the ignorant. donkey hotep says: October 26, 2012 at 8:09 PM If you can’t teach stupid… then how do you get warrant officers? donkey hotep says: October 26, 2012 at 8:14 PM As for the Specialist? That is the average enlisted rank held by the majority of all warrant officers. How does an E4 who can’t get promoted due to lack of leadership skills and ability stay in the military? They become Warrant Officers. Horah. Parties on you. I have met exactly ONE Warrant that was a credit to his uniform. The rest wouldn’t make good track grease. SERE slapper says: October 26, 2012 at 11:34 AM Awesome, I love the small word conversion.LMAO Trolltastic says: October 25, 2012 at 4:51 PM Most of you warrants should follow Ted’s example. WOLF (Warrant Officer Liberation Front) says: October 25, 2012 at 5:18 PM Hey Troll, Go back under you bridge and hump your mother. your daddy stopped cause he’s humping your sister. WOLF (Warrant Officer Liberation Front) says: October 25, 2012 at 4:09 PM YEAH! Ted’s Dead!