Distraught Terrorist Takes His Own Life On Crowded Bus

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – After a recent bombing incident in downtown Washington, an investigation has revealed that the terrorist suspected of carrying out the attack had “only the best intentions for the American people in his heart.”

While he came to the U.S. originally as a religious zealot, the bomber, who has been identified as Farshad Hashar, apparently had a crisis of conscience just moments before he was to carry out the attack. While the investigation is not yet closed, experts believe he detonated the bomb not to kill the other passengers, but out of “a sudden revelation of shame for how close he came to intentionally harming innocent civilians.”

This last minute onset of extreme guilt is the suspected cause of Hashar’s suicide in a busy, metropolitan area of central D.C.

A portion of his final note, which has not been released in its entirety by local law enforcement officials, allegedly reads “… I can no longer lie to myself. The wanton killing of innocents for the purpose of maintaining our ideals, which we can only enforce by fear and hatred, has worn away my soul. I feel that I cannot complete this last mission, but neither can I disappear and assimilate into a culture which I have tried to destroy. I must take the only way out that I know.”

The note was written on a college-ruled pad of paper identified by Hashar’s family as one which he carried regularly. After finding it two blocks from the incident, officials have concluded that he penned the message and dropped it out of the bus window just before the guilt of his actions caused him to reconsider the murder of innocent people.



With the note written and dropped for investigators to find, the reformed-bomber silently and reverently pressed the detonator, slipping gently to the afterlife in a cacophony of fire and destruction. In his attempted redemption for conspiracy to commit murder, all 32 people on the bus were instantly vaporized by the accidental bombing.

The tragic accident has been addressed by many influential world leaders, including Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, who lambasted the bomber for failing to complete his suicide mission. In a telephone interview, Ahmadinejad said, “The failure of a single follower of Allah to carry out his sacred duty in jihad by killing Americans is intolerable. Farshad Hashar has embarrassed Islam by his cowardice in committing suicide, which is in direct violation of the Holy Koran’s teachings.”

Afghan President Hamid Karzai condemned the former terrorist as a coward.

“Personally I’m glad he took the coward’s way out, condemning himself to eternity in Hell,” said Karzai. “He certainly did not deserve a suicide bomber’s reward of 72 virgins and a seat in Heaven.”

Local District of Columbia resident John Gleeson, who was near the explosion and heroically ran towards the flaming wreckage to assist, later said, “After hearing the whole story, I think I speak for everyone when I say the important thing is that he didn’t go through with his heartless attack. These poor people were just in the wrong place at the wrong time; the real victim was this would-be terrorist’s conscience.”

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Jake Slager

Jake (formerly known as Jerry on The Duffel Blog to protect his secret identity) is a Marine veteran and registered, voting member of the Don'tstopthe Party. He enjoys long walks on the beach and green gelatin, usually in tandem. He was recently diagnosed as terminally "kookoo for cocoa puffs," but prays for the strength to carry out his last days with dignity. Email TheJakeSlager@gmail.com with comments or "Get Well Soon" Cards.