Wounded Warrior Assaults Five In Bar Brawl
ARLINGTON, VA – Police were called last night to the scene of Jason’s Tap, a popular bar in Arlington, after a U.S. Marine who lost both legs in Iraq became belligerent and assaulted five other patrons who were watching a football game.
Sergeant Jonathan Coleman is facing charges of unruly conduct, assault, disturbing the peace, and forcible sodomy with a bottle of Happenin’ Habanero wing sauce.
Multiple eyewitnesses reported that a group of regular customers had gathered for a quiet evening of watching New York thrash the shit out of Dallas, when “the door flew open and in rolled this guy in a wheelchair wearing a Dallas jersey and a USMC hat,” according to witness Anthony Derren.
After the bar patrons stood and broke into a spontaneous applause, Sergeant Coleman allegedly responded, “Well well fucking well, what have we here!?!? Looks like another squad from the pussy platoon who doesn’t want to fight for their country.”
Sergeant Coleman was described by patrons as visibly intoxicated, having by his own account consumed 26 beers earlier that day as he completed the Marine Corps Marathon.
“We told him we appreciated his service, how grateful we were for his sacrifice, blah blah blah, you know the usual schtick, but I guess he wasn’t in the mood,” said Derren.
Despite multiple individuals in the bar telling Sergeant Coleman how much they respected his service, the comments only seemed to make him angrier.
“We probably should have taken the hint when he rolled right over to the bar, threw the stool aside, and demanded a bottle of ‘whatever piss you all happen to have on tap here’,” said Derren.
When the bartender said the drinks were on the house, Sergeant Coleman grumbled that “all the free booze couldn’t make up for having to spend two years sitting around the barracks waiting for a medical discharge.”
The incident began to escalate when Sergeant Coleman spotted a framed newspaper next to the bar commemorating the death of Bin Laden, and ripped it off the wall, telling the owner ‘he didn’t rate it’.
According to Cotton Darcy, most of the patrons were confused by the Marine’s behavior.
“We just sort of assumed, you know, that these guys were kind of pitiable,” said Darcy. “Going off to fight in Russia or Narnia or wherever and losing limbs because of, 9/11, or — you know — something. I’ve seen a lot of war movies like The Hurt Locker, so I can imagine how bad it must have been.”
At this point, Sergeant Coleman allegedly started going off on a rant about how he was sick and tired of people telling him how much they respected his service, while discouraging their own kids to do military service or actually taking the time to follow the War on Terror.
After several minutes of ranting, bartender Bernie Hickman came out to wheel Sergeant Coleman away from the bar.
“All I remember was putting my hand on his shoulder and saying ‘I really respect your service’ when all of a sudden he had me in a wristlock and slammed my head into his wheelchair’s armrest,” said Hickman.
“Next thing I know I’m down on my knees looking up at him. He said something about how he never looks up at bitches and something else about dying on my feet versus living on my knees, and how I’d made my choice.”
By the time police arrived at the scene, Sergeant Coleman had knocked several other patrons unconscious and was repeatedly rolling over their prostrate bodies, yelling, “Don’t use your legs as a crutch!”
After the incident was reported throughout the media, the Yelp profile of the United States Marine Corps has been hammered with 4 and 5 star reviews, with many saying things like, “Thank you so much for your service and for not killing me.”
Hickman said that he regrets the whole incident and wishes he could talk to Sergeant Coleman.
“I just really want to make sure he knows I appreciate his service.”