Listen up troops. Listen really closely. You want to put your hands in your pockets? Too friggin’ bad. It’s right there in AR 670-1. I helped write that piece of beautiful literature. I know the cost that comes with putting your hands in your pockets: the lives of soldiers.
You think I’m jerkin you around? You think that putting your hands in your pockets doesn’t hurt anyone? Tell that to all the troops we lost in Iraq and Afghanistan. I can only imagine that someone around them had their hands in their pockets instead of manning a .50 or applying pressure to a sucking chest wound.
I’m going to tell it to you straight. Those fools that started a petition to allow members of the military to put their hands in their pockets are putting your lives at risk. Not only that, but they jumped the chain of command. I’ll personally rain down an unwordly heck upon them myself, those friggin’ idiots. You put your hands in your pockets and *poof* there goes all good discipline and military bearing.
These things save lives, soldiers. We don’t enforce these rules simply because it looks good on our Non-commissioned Officer Evaluation Reports. Nope, this is about saving troop lives, saving YOUR lives. You jump the chain of command and you’ve gone and screwed the pooch.
Everyone who signs this petition is stating that they value their individuality over their battle buddies’ lives.
You think I got the “III” put in my name because of my birth? I earned that stuff. The Bronze Star Medal I’ve got will swear to that. It doesn’t have a “V” device you say? Apparently you’ve never been deployed as a Sergeant Major. You can’t comprehend the level of responsibility that comes with chewing out company First Sergeants because their Humvee’s aren’t aligned perfectly. The day you slack and park one Humvee slightly off-line is the day that insurgents of unknown national origins decide to launch an attack on your FOB. You’d be ready to respond, with efficiency and force if it weren’t for that one truck being off-line most likely due to an oversight by a non-commissioned officer.
Really, if I had to guess, an NCO like that has probably never been to the Warrior Leader’s Course. Any NCO that can stand the sight of troops with their hands in their pockets obviously hasn’t been through WLC. You know what I’ve instructed Training and Doctrine Command to stress there? Drill and Ceremony. That’s right, it all comes back to D&C. You take the time to learn D&C, you’ll know why it’s so important to keep your dang hands out of your pockets. It all comes down to discipline. If you can’t march troops you surely can’t teach them to do a 9-line MEDEVAC or any of their basic battle drills. Heck, D&C is what’s won us the Iraq war and the Afghan war. Without this small unit level of discipline, we would have been in another Vietnam.
You know who put their hands in their pockets? Troops in Vietnam.
Just ask em’. They’ll tell you no Sergeant Major ever yelled at them for having their hands in their pockets. I see this as an obvious reason why we failed there. It’s my job as Sergeant Major of the Army to make sure our troops are receiving the best leadership possible from NCO’s across the Army. We will not fail you soldiers. We will not let you fail yourselves. Now take those sunglasses off your head, your hands out of your pockets, that 550 cord bracelet off, stop walking and talking on your cell phone, stop smoking while walking, and get back over to the drill field to practice your left-flank march. Because darnit, marching in a formation designed for warfare before automatic weapons is going to save your lives.
PASHTYLVANIA, AFGHANISTAN – Marine Corps General Joseph Dunford, Jr. confirmed late yesterday that he has accepted a wager to spend no less than one year in the supposedly haunted command of United States Forces – Afghanistan (USFOR-A). Legend has it that there is a terrible curse on the command, located deep in the foreboding mountains of Afghanistan, and that inexplicably bad things happen to the careers of unwary commanders.
“I don’t like this,” says Dunford’s career, folding its arms and staring out of Dunford’s car at the darkening sky as they drive up the winding switchbacks toward the infamous command. “What are we even doing here? Is there even a strategic objective? We should have just gone back to Headquarters Marine Corps to be the next Commandant.”
“C’mon, it’ll be fun,” says a smiling Dunford. “Just one year, baby, then we’ll collect the money and go back to the beltway. After that, I promise I’ll take the Commandant job, just like you wanted.”
Earlier today, the two were greeted at the airport by a gray, sunken-eyed Gen John Allen, who was too distraught to even shake Dunford’s outstretched hand. Allen was accompanied by doctors attending to his restrained career, which recently and unexpectedly went insane. Allen is accompanying it home to see if it can be rehabilitated, but few hold out any hope.
General Allen’s career is not the curse’s first victim. For many years, the curse was only a legend, and commanders never stayed in what was then Combined Forces Command – Afghanistan for a full year as a matter of custom. However, USFOR-A was established on the same site, and the custom was ignored by USFOR-A commander General David McKiernan, who laughed at it as mere superstition.
As the one year deadline approached, McKiernan’s career grew more agitated. Always known for how cautious it was, McKiernan’s career believed it could out-think and outlast the curse. Then one morning it was found dead in a rocking chair, still holding the loaded shotgun it had gone to bed with.
McKiernan was followed by General Stanley McChrystal, who was discovered outside one morning holding an axe, surrounded by pieces of his beloved career.
As talk of a curse became more widespread, General David Petraeus, one of the country’s bravest generals, elected to spend a year in USFOR-A just to break the curse. Petraeus was believed to have beaten the spell, retiring honorably from the military and moving on to helm the CIA. However, in early November, his career was discovered dead in front of the television while watching the news, a final look of abject horror still frozen on its face.
Arriving at his headquarters, Gen Dunford remains optimistic, stepping out of his vehicle and walking up to a small group of high ranking staff officers and battalion commanders.
“Gents, I’m your new commanding general, looking forward to working with…,” but Dunford is cut off as the men stare gravely at him and then hustle away, looking down at the ground. One colonel pauses and looks back over his shoulder, then returns to place a silver crucifix around the neck of Dunford’s career.
“Because evil travels swiftly,” he says cryptically as he crosses himself, then ducks into an office.
Meeting with reporters later in the day, Dunford’s confidence already seems to be wavering. He reported finding a mysterious package in his new desk, containing the journal of Colonel Renfield, a former aide to General Petraeus. Dunford said he felt strangely compelled to open it, as if the book wanted to be read.
He shared select passages with The Duffel Blog:
Day 1: Just got off the bird from MacDill. Saw McChrystal’s staff on their way out. They had a gaunt shuffle and a hollow stare. I asked one of them if he could give me a turnover briefing on Afghanistan. He said, “You know nothing. Afghanistan is only a word. The reality is much worse.”
Day 11: Have finally met our mysterious host. He appeared at the top of a dusty stairwell in a robe and fur hat, some kind of ethnic outfit. He introduced himself as Hamid Karzai, the president of these lands.
Day 53: Received an e-mail in my inbox saying “Get out!” G-6 says it came from my own e-mail account.
Day 97: Sometimes I hear a press conference going on, but when I run down the hall to the briefing room, it’s empty.
Day 162: Unintelligible writing keeps appearing on the walls of my CONEX, but I can’t read it because it’s in Pashto.
Day 236: The general keeps talking about a mysterious book he’s found. I looked at it, and it seems to be gibberish, but the general insists that it all makes sense once you have the right metric. He wants me to start reading it as well.
Day 325: Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu Bagram wgah’nagl fhtagn.
Duffel Blog Investigative Reporter G-Had also contributed to this report.
OAKLAND, CA – A local Veterans Affairs office is leading the nation with an innovative approach to veterans issues, by helping military members transition to civilian life by modifying their records without their knowledge, a VA spokesperson said today.
“A lot of our employees were getting bored with staring at their desks for 20 straight years,” said Secretary of Veterans Affairs Erik Shinseki, “so to raise morale I told them to start helping veterans in any way they can. Military life is tough, so we want to make civilian life easier for them.”
VA Claims Processor Roger Carder says he’s eager to help veterans by working on their specific issues.
“Yeah I’m doing this guy a big favor,” said Carder as he rifled through the file of a former Army Specialist. “He got out with an honorable discharge so he deserves a break. I changed his records to indicate he was fully disabled so he wouldn’t have to get any kind of strenuous job. He called up a week later saying he got fired because his boss thought he was cheating the system. I told him I didn’t have the authority to change his records and couldn’t help him.”
“He’s much better off now. He shouldn’t have had to work so hard.”
“I’m helping someone right now,” Rachel Smith said after placing a caller on hold briefly for three hours. “He’s saying he has PTSD and needs immediate psychiatric counseling. We’re supposed to get them an appointment within twenty four hours but I told him there aren’t any openings for three months. PTSD is one of those things that you’re better off dealing with on your own.”
The VA also launched its new “Tough Love” campaign, where they help veterans by giving them new challenges to overcome as part of a learning experience.
“I’m helping a girl named Sally right now,” said VA Case Manager Jason Marquez. “She joined the Army at 18 and got out at 22. She wants to go to college on the GI Bill. The Army gave her a steady paycheck so she’s never had a chance to deal with serious financial stress. I hid all her forms in my desk so she had to take out a bunch of student loans. Her savings ran out so she got evicted from her apartment, dropped out, and moved back in with her parents.”
Marquez added, “Luckily the Tough Love campaign helped her gain a crushing amount of debt and she doesn’t qualify for GI Bill payments because she’s not in college anymore. It’s a good lesson we all have to learn sometime.”
ABERDEEN, MD – The commander of the U.S. Army Aberdeen Test Center has officially notified the Pentagon of further delays to an experimental program to deploy robotic First Sergeants to remote outposts in Afghanistan.
Colonel Gordon Graham, who only assumed command of Aberdeen in mid-August, announced on Monday that the Portable Rocker-Chevron Eight, or PRC-E8 program, is still at least six months away from a workable prototype and $20 million over budget.
“At the rate we’re going, I think we’re going to have trouble just getting the PRC-E8 into service before the planned end of combat operations in 2014,” Colonel Graham wrote in an e-mail to Army Chief of Staff General Raymond Odierno.
The PRC-E program is part of an Army initiative to both increase its expeditionary readiness and reduce its deployment footprint. Because a human First Sergeant consumes valuable chow, water, and bandwidth, the Army has been toying with the idea of creating a solar-powered automated staff non-commissioned officer ever since 2001.
The first models, the PRC-E5 and PRC-E6, were extremely primitive, consisting of an automated loudspeaker that just repeated the phrases ‘Shut up!’ and ‘Hurry up!’ every five minutes.
The first real breakthrough for the program was the PRC-E7, developed in Iraq aboard Camp Victory in 2008. That particular model was advanced enough to detect enemy incoming mortars in time to immediately call troops into an outdoor formation to chew them out for walking around their outpost in flip-flops.
According to Colonel Graham, the PRC-E8 was designed to address the flaws in the PRC-E7 program. The original model was a Jetsons-style robot equipped with a mechanical chest-poker, but was scrapped after several malfunctions resulted in the poker shattering soldiers’ sternums or puncturing lungs.
The current design is a loud klaxon that goes off periodically, with no one sure why it goes off or how to turn it off. It contains no interface or controls, aside from a sign that opening it and tampering with it is a court-martial offense.
The PRC-E program traces its roots back to World War II, when staff non-commissioned officers used to record hours of verbal abuse on 78 rpm records and ship them to far-flung U.S. military units around the globe.
The program was briefly resurrected in 1965 by the American Forces Vietnam Network for its popular radio program, “Get Your Fucking Hands Out of Your Fucking Pockets, Vietnam“.
Because of pending budget cuts, the Army is attempting to make the PRC-E8 a Joint Services project. However, this has exponentially increased costs and led to further delays, as the Air Force PRC E-8 is unable to operate outside of a climate-controlled facility and the Navy PRC E-8 keeps ordering Army platoons to swab sand dunes.
The Marine Corps has refused to join the program, arguing that it would be more cost effective just to pay local nationals to scream random undecipherable words at Marines standing post.
Colonel Graham also announced the widely-anticipated cancellation of the PRC-E9: a planned $100 million airship that would be able to simultaenously monitor hundreds of outposts, scan 3,000 computers for inappropriate browsing and observe countless patrols for the unauthorized removal of personal protective equipment.
The PRC-E9 had come in for heavy criticism, with some questioning its value in a combat zone and observing that it could only be deployed on the largest Forward Operating Bases.
Until the PRC-E8 becomes operational, commanders in the field have been issued GBOSS and Aerostat surveillance systems as a temporary stopgap measure to help monitor remote outposts and report disciplinary infractions.
Investigative reporter Dark Laughter also contributed to this report.
QUANTICO, VA – The Marine Corps released an administrative message Friday admitting that despite what many of its staff non-commissioned officers (SNCO’s) have claimed over the years, “5.0 Marines” do indeed exist.
5.0/5.0 is a perfect score on the Marine Corps proficiency and conduct marks — ratings that help junior Marines get promoted. Once a Marine reaches the rank of Sergeant (E-5), they transition from Pros & Cons to the Fitness Report, featuring a ‘Christmas-tree’ like structure of seniority, but officials confirmed no Marine has ever reached the top rating.
“We aren’t saying there are any 5.0 Marines in the Corps right now,” said Master Sergeant Raymond Gibbs with Headquarters Marine Corps. ”We’re just saying if a Marine has competed in multiple boards, consistently performed above and beyond his rank, and has several valor awards, he may be a 5.0/5.0 Marine.”
However, in the same message the Corps reaffirmed, “Every Marine still has room for improvement.”
Major John Wallis, with the Marine Corps Fire-Team for Strategic Planning, claimed the initial goal of the Marine Corps’ proficiency and conduct evaluation program was mostly to give SNCO’s something to do during peacetime.
“No one really cared how the rating scale actually measured up,” said Wallis. “We knew most of these Marines would get out anyway.”
“The process really just became a great way to help senior SNCO’s develop their reading and writing skills.”
What Wallis and his fire-team didn’t expect, however, was the arbitrary exclusion of the 5.0/5.0 rating.
For Sergeant Michael Stevenson, an 8-year sergeant and Squad Leader with 1st Battalion, 2nd Marines, the elusive 5.0/5.0 marks left him less competitive and slower to promote.
“My gunnery sergeant just kept telling me, ‘There’s no such thing as a perfect Marine,’” Stevenson explained. “I just figured he hadn’t seen any, because they were all in our admin shop.”
Additional research by The Duffel Blog revealed the Marine Corps attempted a similar program for lieutenants. It was dropped after three months however, when the Corps found every officer had been given a 5.0/5.0 score.
WEST POINT, NY - Mob violence struck the United States Military Academy at West Point yesterday when a large confrontation between upperclassmen and freshmen, also known as Plebes, resulted in over 60 casualties, many life threatening.
This latest incident follows close behind the tragic events at the United States Air Force Academy, when almost two dozen cadets were injured after freshmen attempted to sexually assault a cadet first sergeant, prompting those attempting to assist in the rape and those opposing forcible sodomy to clash with violent results.
The West Point incident began with a traditional pillow fight between plebes in the North Area, an open space between the multi-story barracks. After a pre-arranged signal, freshmen with nothing better to do on a Friday night rushed into the large courtyard and began to pummel each other over the sounds of AC/DC and the screaming of upperclassmen returning from social privileges, many of whom were visibly intoxicated, goading the combatants into a pillow swinging frenzy.
Although military police are still investigating, they have provided The Duffel Blog with a rough timeline of the events that followed:
At approximately 2315 hours, a series of loud air-horn blasts echoed across the campus; the pre-arranged signal for the pillow fight to begin.
Minutes later, as the mock battle was underway, John Murdock and his roommate Mike Wilkenson, seniors who had returned late to the barracks, cut across North Area in an attempt to reach their room, inadvertently walking into the middle of the fray.
At first the Plebes nearest the intoxicated upperclassmen parted to allow them room to pass, but as they entered the crowd, a pack of young freshmen closed behind them, forming a menacing wall and preventing their escape.
The two upperclassmen, sensing danger, pushed their way to a corner of the Area where they were reinforced by approximately 45 upperclassmen from the Mac Arthur Barracks who had witnessed their classmate’s plight.
Standing shoulder to shoulder, the upperclassmen, wearing an assortment of evening civilian wear and smelling heavily of cologne and grain alcohol, stared at the far larger mass of sweat-suit clad Plebes and grimly prepared for battle.
Things escalated when LaDarius Michaels, a plebe from New York City, reached into his pillowcase and grabbed a butterfly knife. When commanded to stand down, instead of complying, fellow plebe Steve Laughlin removed a pair of shuriken throwing stars from his own case and readied them for use.
Tension filled the air as the outnumbered upperclassmen realized they would be forced to confront the horde of sexually deprived teenagers, and prepared for combat.
Nicholas Sharp, a senior from Sherryville, Indiana reached into his leather jacket and produced a studded blackjack. His classmate, Megan Freeman, then retrieved a large spear inexplicably stored in the nearby bushes, and pointed it at the encroaching mob.
In the moments that followed, both sides produced a mind-boggling assortment of weapons, made all the more disturbing by the ease with which they were obtained in the tightly controlled and supervised Military Academy: baseball bats, Japanese samurai swords, chains, leather fetish whips, stun guns, crowd control shotguns, military bayonets, and in one case a ceremonial cadet 7.62mm M-14 assault rifle that had been retooled and loaded with live ammunition.
“There’s always some rivalry and some fighting going on,” said Cadet Steven Winter, “but this one definitely escalated quickly.”
Details are still forthcoming, but it appears that a freshman spit in the face of an unpopular female member of the Cadet Brigade Staff, which finally triggered the violence. The next few minutes were a veritable orgy of destruction as the two sides tore into each other with unholy fury, bellowing war-cries and Army slogans while drenching the time-worn asphalt of the North Area with the blood of their enemies.
The Corps of Cadets was saved from further loss by the playing of TAPS over the campus PA system at precisely 2330, immediately dispersing the combatants and ending the battle.
When the evening Officer of the Guard arrived minutes later to ensure cadets were complying with the lights out policy, he witnessed a North Area littered with the broken bodies of fallen cadets pleading for medical aid, while the smoke from an M-68 fragmentation grenade drifted through the air.
Freshmen Jeremy Everret was found 45 minutes after the battle, wandering aimlessly in the cadet parking lot with a razor-tipped hunting arrow lodged in his shoulder, humming the Army song and muttering something about missing duties.
The following day, In a statement to the press, Commandant Brigadier General Theodore Martin said that the cadets who participated in the Pillow-fight Massacre displayed the warrior ethos expected of future US Army officers and will not be charged for assault or attempted homicide.
The 63 cadets found wounded after the battle however, will be given punishment tours for violating the after-TAPs curfew policy as soon as they are released from the hospital.
THE PENTAGON - In a surprise announcement earlier today, General Mark Welsh III, Air Force Chief of Staff, revealed that the Air Force is planning to retire sometime in the Spring, having last month celebrated her 65th birthday. Also present for the announcement was Air Force Secretary Michael B. Donley, who praised the service record of the Air Force, and revealed how the Department of Defense planned to continue overseas operations without USAF support.
Speaking to a crowd of spectators and journalists on the front steps of the Pentagon, General Welsh spoke at length about the legacy of duty and commitment to hard work the Air Force will be leaving behind, as well as plans for the future.
“The Air Force is known even within the branches of the US military for setting the standards. Ask any Marine, and he’ll tell you that Air Force Physical Training stands apart from the pack. Ask any Army soldier, and he’ll tell you that no one is asked to live in environments comparable to the Air Force’s. Ask any Navy sailor, and he’ll tell you that no one redeploys as quickly as the Air Force.”
“But the Air Force is getting older now,” Welsh continued, “and can’t keep up the operational tempo of her younger days.” Visibly shaken, Welsh steadied himself on the podium before going on.
“It’s not that the best days are behind the Air Force. They lie ahead; days when old Blue can wake as it pleases to face the day. Days when the Air Force can relax, and not worry about personal safety inside the walls of hellish combat zones like Jalalabad or Bagram. Days when she doesn’t have to say goodbye for four, sometimes even six months at a time.”
Asked what lies in store for the aging branch, Welsh beamed with enthusiasm. He described new budgetary appropriations to “accommodate a more senior lifestyle,” including several new construction and beautification projects on USAF bases around the nation.
“First of all, physical training will be scaled back, and will begin incorporating Tai Chi and seniors’ Zumba lessons in conjunction with local gyms twice a week. Groundbreaking has already begun on new on-post golf courses, so the Wild Blue Yonder can extend to the links. And of course, new walking trails, duck ponds, and park benches will be installed near all dining facilities, so the Air Force can enjoy a leisurely mid-afternoon stroll before heading in for the Early Bird dinner.”
The Honorable Michael B. Donley, Secretary of the Air Force, reassured Americans that defense officials have the new vacancy “well in hand,” and that soldiers, sailors, and Marines stationed overseas would barely notice the Air Force’s absence.
“The Air Force, though an integral part of our armed forces, has been showing its age lately: misplacing the keys to jet fighters, retelling the same tired stories, even mixing up a shipment of helicopter batteries with intercontinental ballistic missiles to Taiwan.”
He also reported that on more than one occasion, the Air Force was “caught napping when it was supposed to be monitoring the radio for CAS [close air support] missions.”
“The truth is, we’ve known this was coming for some time. That’s why we in the Department of Defense, along with our President, and Congress, have been working so hard to rely more on drone strikes and UAV [Unmanned Aerial Vehicle] surveillance in our operations. As the Air Force stands down, we’ll be shifting her responsibilities onto a greater number of drones to fill in the gaps. American air superiority will remain unquestioned, and we’ll really be saving the taxpayers money. It’s hard to see the Air Force go, but this is really a win-win for America.”
One reporter asked Donley how much money the DoD would be saving with the switch.
“What we’re hoping–that is, the Joint Chiefs and I,–we’d like to see big enough savings to offset budget cuts currently affecting all branches of the military. As you know, we had to make some drastic cuts last fiscal year, which was a factor when we banned chairs at MacDill [Air Force Base]. Honestly, it’s either this, or the Navy will have to shrink down to only four uniforms. And don’t get me started on the proposal that the Marine Corps start cutting back on haircuts—no pun intended.”
At press time, the Air Force was reportedly looking at brochures for senior living facilities before getting in a round of golf at Hilton Head’s famous back nine.
KANDAHAR, AFGHANISTAN – While the Department of Defense is still reacting to the ongoing investigation of Brigadier General Jeffrey Sinclair, who has been charged with adultery, forcible sodomy, and a host of other crimes, one of his lesser offenses, possession of pornography, may be having positive effects.
The 4.6 terabytes of explicit, hardcore sexual performances were stored on several hard-drives on the General’s personal servers while he served in Afghanistan as Deputy Commanding General in Kandahar.
In September, First Lieutenant Will Switzer, the General’s only male aide, which made him the only staff member not in danger of being raped, had heard rumors about the alleged treasure trove from a female Captain that also worked for the General. Her responsibilities included bringing him coffee in a French maid outfit while the 54 year-old Sinclair sat in his conference room and surfed through his library of erotica, wearing nothing but his Kevlar helmet and wielding a Patton-esque riding crop.
According to Switzer, he then appropriated one of the hard drives so he could “do some research before making a decision about what to do next.” Unfortunately, he was stunned to find that the drives he had intended to turn-in to his chain of command once he had completed a thorough review of the material, had been stolen mere hours later.
Duffel Blog investigators have learned that the pornography was stolen by Mohammed, an interpreter working in the American headquarters, who managed to pass the drive to Taliban leadership in Quetta, Pakistan with the intention of highlighting the morally corrupt US forces occupying Afghanistan. Unfortunately for the insurgent movement, the effects were much more destructive and far reaching.
“There was just so much porn!” stated Taliban PR spokesman Mohammed Hamtullah.
“I’ve never seen anything like that before. Literally weeks worth of videos showing men and women doing things that I couldn’t have imagined. One time when I was little, my father caught me looking at a picture of a woman where you could see her nose, and part of her left wrist.”
Hamtullah continued, highlighting how angry his father was.
“Afterwards he made me go to the sheep pen and watch him enjoy a ram, to show how real Afghan men handled things. Needless to say that was the last time I looked at a revealed woman.”
Only days after the porn arrived at the Taliban Headquarters, located inside the Pakistani president’s summer compound, things began to change.
Gul Mohammed, an audio visual tech with the Propaganda & Beheading Video Department, was one of the first to notice the difference.
“After watching about 27 hours worth of the filthy videos to find things of value for our daily anti-American Zionist news hour, I had to go to the market to clear my head and get some chai. Once in the shop, the young supple boy pranced up to me to serve the tea like he always did, but this time, instead of being aroused, I felt nothing. That was when I heard a crash in the kitchen and looked up to see the owner’s wife bent over picking up a broken plate. Her enormous buttocks were pressed against the fabric of her black burka, and I felt myself suddenly overcome with lust….for a woman!” he said, shaking his head in amazement.
Similar tales have started to emerge from both sides of the Pakistan-Afghan border, with some local commanders complaining to their higher leadership that men won’t fight due to “excessive exhaustion” after iPods filled with the pornographic materials made their way to combat units.
In an attempt to fight the debilitating spread of the materials, Taliban Command Sergeant Major Hajji Mohammed Sayeed has made possessing pornography in the warzone illegal, but even he admits the effort is too little, too late.
“I mean, I’m supposed to enforce the standard, but what can I do? Execute the entire fighting force? Everyone has this stuff. I even commissioned our propaganda cell to release a video called ‘Chai Boys and Sheep Gone Wild IV’ but my heart just wasn’t in it. As we filmed on site at the Quetta meeting hall, I realized that it was pretty disgusting, and I kept flashing back to the story of a woman called Mona Screamsalot and her two companions, Rock Everhard and Brick Manly. It was….inspiring.”
The Duffel Blog has also been able to confirm reports that a new company called Naughty Afghanistan has released a high-quality video called Shaffera and the Date Merchant, shot on location in Kabul, that has already sold more than 100 DVDs as well as almost two-million pirated copies, making it the most popular film ever created in the six month history of Afghan cinema.
NAWA, AFGHANISTAN – A Marine infantry platoon with Echo Co. 2nd Battalion 7th Marines was pleasantly surprised today after they were greeted with an amazing Thanksgiving feast upon returning from a 12-hour combat patrol.
The platoon, which had just left another Thanksgiving celebration Taliban fighters surprised them with complete with rockets and automatic rifle fire, wasn’t expecting much left upon their return to the forward operating base.
“It’s really just been an amazing day full of gifts to be thankful for,” said First Lieutenant Andrew Smith, the platoon commander. “We had a meeting with village elders which gave us a ton of intelligence on things relevant to operations 3 years ago, then the Taliban threw us a spectacular fireworks show.”
“Not to mention the meal the DFAC cooks prepared especially for us on this day,” he added.
“We all figured the fobbits would eat all the good food for Thanksgiving,” said Lance Corporal Evan Wingard, a team leader. “But when we walked into the DFAC, I couldn’t believe what I saw.”
Inside the small dining facility, the Marines were greeted with the warm smells of freshly eaten turkey, and delicious aromas of stuffing and gravy still stuck to paper plates in a nearby trash can. The tables were filled with a wide array of Otis Spunkmeyer muffins, Nutri-Grain bars, Pop-Tarts, other Thanksgiving favorites — and the fridge was stocked with a wide assortment of delicious tasting beer with no alcohol content.
“It’s like they sacrificed their Thanksgiving dinner because they knew we were working so hard out there,” said PFC Ian Erwin. “As far as the eye could see it was near beer and Otis Spunkmeyer muffins. I hardly ever get to have any of those in the chow hall, so it really felt special, almost like I was back home.”
Most forward operating bases serve turkey and gravy, mashed potatoes, and other everyday fare from back home. In Nawa however, the grunts were given a more special — and more appreciated — Thanksgiving meal of muffins and Nutri-grain bars, served by senior SNCO’s who greatly valued their service.
“Hey Devil Dog,” said Gunnery Sergeant Ramon Marquez to a Lance Corporal who had torn into a package of a tasty banana-nut treat. “Why are your daggone cammies dirty? Why the freak are you wearing white frigging daggone socks?”
The Marine dutifully stopped opening the package and turned to address Marquez, telling him that he just “felt so stupid about getting his uniform dirty on patrol.”
“I’m definitely going to clean my cammies immediately,” said Lance Corporal Alan Nelson. “Thank God and the United States Marine Corps that there are senior staff NCO’s out there that are taking care of us and making sure we’re doing the right thing.”
“If he didn’t stop me from enjoying that muffin, I don’t know if I could live with myself.”
Official Marine Corps historian Maximilian Uriarte also contributed to this report.
The roughly 90-minute spot, which hits theaters today, is a remake of a classic 1980s film of the same name starring Patrick Swayze, which followed a young American insurgency fighting back against a Soviet invasion. The 2012 version features an invasion from North Korea, and stars Chris Hemsworth as lead character Jed Eckert.
“This commercial is probably one of the best ones we have ever done,” said Capt. Steven McGee with Recruiting Command. “We thought the last commercial we released to theaters, Battle: Los Angeles, would never be topped. But I think folks are going to be pleasantly surprised.”
In the 2012 version of Red Dawn, Eckert is a Marine, home on leave after a combat tour. After the North Koreans invade and enter his hometown, he does what every Marine is trained to do.
“He heads straight to the armory to stand outside waiting for weapons draw for about 45 minutes. We wanted this film to be ultra realistic, so for that period, it’s just raw, gritty — standing in a long line outside an armory,” said McGee.
After Eckert gets to the armory window, he realizes that in the confusion of invasion, he forgot his weapons card. He spends a few minutes trying to reason with the armorer, saying, “hey look man, give me my damn weapon, there is shit going down out here!” But the armorer just shrugs, barely listening over the sound of an iPod in the background in the air-conditioned building, and tells him, “no card, no weapon.”
Without his issued weapon, Eckert — who as a Marine is well-versed in the world renowned and highly deadly Marine Corps Martial Arts Program (MCMAP) — is able to dispatch a North Korean soldier with a leg sweep. After he goes down, Eckert then executes a flawless face stomp with his boot, while shouting “Marine Corps!” in accordance with regulations.
After getting the enemy’s AK-47, Eckert begins to organize his friends in the neighborhood into an “insurgent platoon”, defending their homeland. In a departure from the original, which named the group “The Wolverines”, Eckert instead insists the name should be the “JJ DID TIE BUCKLE‘s.”
The new recruiting effort is a sharp change from Marine commercials of the past. The release of the “It’ll Get You Laid & Driving A Corvette” commercial was hailed as the most realistic portrayal of the 1970s Marine Corps. And the 1989 “Knight” commercial reflected the Cold War equestrian arms race, with a medieval knight morphing into a Marine officer.
But Recruiting Command felt the Corps wasn’t doing enough to show the awesome power of U.S. Marines, as well as highlight the threat of North Korea — a country on the cutting edge of communications, military arms, and rice-growing technology.
“We believe this will be the finest recruiting commercial produced to date, but we’re not going to rest on our laurels,” said McGee. “We’ve already begun shooting our World War Z commercial, which highlights our roots as an anti-zombie force in readiness.”
This week’s Nielsen ratings reported that two separate viewers tuned in to TPC last week, pushing the total number of people who have ever watched the channel to 100.
The celebration lunch was held at a reserved table at CiCi’s Pizza, located in the 6400 block of Baltimore National Pike in Baltimore.
“I try not to get caught up in things like ‘ratings’ or ‘popularity,’” said Chester Perkins, TPC’s General Manager. “This was a big deal, though, and I wanted to commemorate it. It’s just nice to get together for a hot lunch.”
Perkins has been an employee of the Defense Media Activity and its predecessor, the American Forces Information Services, since 1958. He has been in charge of TPC since it went on the air in 2004.
“Old Chet [Perkins] has been, to put it politely, resistant to change,” said Mike Carey, TPC Director of Programming. “The History Channel pulls great numbers with its war documentaries, and there are plenty of popular military-themed movies and shows out there. I keep pitching ideas for programs that people might actually want to watch, but Chet says that’s not what we’re about here.”
One of Carey’s ideas that did make it was Close Combat, which broke down combatives techniques from all four services and showed fights from a 2010 military-wide combatives tournament. The martial arts-themed subject matter generated some initial interest, but failed to attract even a single viewer.
“Close Combat was a quality program and I wanted it on in primetime, but Chet insisted that we bury it in a Saturday morning time slot,” Carey said. “He made us fill the primetime hours with some kind of Army talent show that literally no one watched.”
Perkins said he doesn’t use ratings to determine programming, but instead trusts his instincts.
“Good folks nowadays don’t want to watch shows that are entertaining or fun,” Perkins said. “They want to watch NCOs grilling outside on a warm summer afternoon, or young troops playing video games and riding go-karts, or news about change of command ceremonies and the Combined Federal Campaign.”
“They want tours of military installations,” Perkins added, “and to watch soldiers doing PT, and low-budget military documentaries produced by military public affairs offices in the 1960s.”
Perkins crossed his arms proudly and leaned back in his chair. “I’ve been saying all that for years, and judging from the latest ratings, turns out I was right. We had two viewers last week. I try not to let it get to my head, but sometimes you gotta just pat yourself on the back.”
The lunch ended when the third member of the group, studio technician Leroy Bradley, had to leave so that he could be back at his desk in time for a job interview over the phone with the Golf Channel.
LANGLEY, VA – Officials with the Central Intelligence Agency are facing continued fallout from revelations that Paula Broadwell has been linked to affairs with CIA Director David “Peaches” Petraeus, ISAF General John Allen, at least one Marine Private First Class, hundreds of field agents, and a half-dozen security guards, among others.
The whole scandal has overshadowed the larger and more important issue pressing the nation: how many of Broadwell’s liaisons actually knew each other, what did they know and when did they know it?
Broadwell, a former soldier and author of the Petraeus biography Balls Deep: The Education of David Petraeus, was recently revealed to be intimately involved with the subject of her book. Although Petraeus resigned due to the affair, senior members of the Clandestine Services are now conducting an internal investigation to assess the full extent of the damage caused by ‘Broadwellgate’ as the scandal has become known.
Initial estimates have placed the number of individuals involved with Broadwell between 100-200, and it could mark the biggest scandal to rock the CIA since 1975, when the entire Church Committee admitted to an affair with Farrah Fawcett.
“I was completely mortified,” declared Uniformed Agent Troy Easting. “We’re a pretty tight crew. We talk all the time. I guess it was a little weird when everyone got a new girlfriend all at the same time, but no one introduced her to anyone.”
Easting’s reaction is among the more contrite. Others however have expressed anger and betrayal.
“She made me feel special,” said “Luke”, a member of the CIA who spoke on condition of anonymity. “Then it dawned on me that the more I read her emails, the more I realized I had heard it somewhere all before, like a carbon copy of a love letter meant for someone else.”
“We want to know first and foremost how many CIA personnel were involved with Broadwell,” said acting Director Michael Morell, “but what I really want to know is how this woman is actually able to walk.”
Officials say Broadwell represented a threat long overlooked: her access to Petraeus for the research of her book may have had more sinister implications, giving her extensive contact with the former general as well as a host of agents inside the CIA, none of which was professional.
“We’ve placed great trust in the Clandestine Services before, but there could have been a better way to go about this. It seems to have been going on for several months and now it appears neither CIA nor FBI knew of the trouble in their ranks until Election Day. Could they all have had related knowledge about just how many of them were in fact sharing a bed, car seat, or public bathroom with her?” asked Senator Diane Fienstein (D-CA), Chair of the Senate Intelligence Committee.
In a related story, Rolling Stone magazine has announced it wants to give an unbiased view of the entire scandal in its latest critical expose “David Petraeus and John Allen: Mistress Swapping Man-Whores for the Military Industrial Complex.”
TAMPA, FL – In light of recent revelations concerning CIA Director David Petraeus’ extra marital affair, several gentlemen’s clubs in the Tampa Metro area have begun looking for female biographers to work in their establishments.
David “Cheech” Robinisi, manager of the Bottoms Up Club on Adamo Drive in Tampa told the Duffel Blog that this was a mark of changing consumer attitudes.
“Let’s be honest. Guys have known for 50 or 60 years the girls were lying when they said they were working their way through college. More likely they were working their way through a few ounces of coke with their boyfriends. But now,” he continued, “I mean what the hell, a four star general doing the nasty with his ‘biographer’ gives the whole thing a little class.”
One customer who asked only to be identified as “Dave,” a Chief Petty Officer in the Navy, is a regular at the Chicken Strips club on Dale Mabry Road and appreciated the new legitimacy the term afforded the clubs.
“I used to have to come up with all sorts of things to tell my wife,” Dave said, “Now I just tell her I’m getting together with some friends who are writing the biography of a noted American military figure and BOOM… I’m out of the house for six hours.”
Other customers were not as impressed. “Sammy” a young Marine, was asked if he knew the girl giving him a lap dance was actually a full-time biographer and only danced on the side. “Dude, leave me the hell alone! OK!” was his only comment.
“I used to tell them I was in law school,” said Champagne, a dancer at the Cherry Bomb Club. “But no one believed it. Now, since I’m a ‘biographer’ I get to ask them all sorts of questions about themselves. My tips have actually gone up.”
Liberty Bell, a dancer at Skintastics, agreed. “Before it was such a hassle because we had to act like we cared who these guys were at the same time we’re wrestling with a snake or something. Now I just have a pencil and a notebook in my g-string and these guys can’t stop handing me twenties and telling me who their 3rd grade teachers were.”
“Cheech” was realistic about the whole trend.
“I’ve been at this game a long time. I remember after the whole Monica Lewinsky deal when we all thought we were going to rich calling all the girls ‘Interns.’ That didn’t last more than 3 months. This will eventually blow over and then we’ll have to be revert back to calling them social liaisons.”
CAMP PENDLETON, CA - San Francisco-based Semper Pink, the premier advocacy organization for gay infantry Marines, is once again rallying its supporters after an incident that took place in Camp Pendleton’s 62 area, and what some insiders are calling one of the most controversial cases involving an openly-gay Marine since the repeal of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.
The organization has recently come to the defense of PFC Stefan Noor, 19, of Third Battalion, Fifth Marine Regiment.
“I can’t believe they fucked me raw like that,” says PFC Noor. “All I’ve heard from day one is how Marines never leave another Marine behind, yet everyone in my platoon decided to blue-falcon me on this one.”
Noor is referring to a recent event that involved him and the rest of his platoon, an incident that has caused a riff in the cohesion of the unit.
On November 12, 2012, Noor received an early morning text from his partner, Brian Pauly, in his hometown of Brooklyn Park, Minnesota, stating that he was leaving him [Noor] for another man.
“We’ve been together since our junior year of high school,” the distraught Noor adds. “Then this pseudo-Warhol character comes in the picture and tears him apart… I mean, tears him away from me. Seriously, how hard is it to stay loyal to your boyfriend over 1,500 miles away?”
Dealing with the pain of sudden heartache and utilizing past nude pictures sent by his ex, Noor employed common enlisted SOP and sent out a mass “Make ‘him’ famous” text to all the members of his unit—playing off the common “Make ‘her’ famous” text phenomenon. Because of the content in the text, it was the first known of its kind.
But while Noor had high hopes of the text making its rounds, his efforts proved futile—no one in his platoon forwarded the text.
“I’m sitting in my room, enjoying a beer after evening formation, and I get this text from Noor. I click on it and the next thing I know I’ve got a John Holmes-sized cock staring right at me,” says Lance Corporal Warren Secondine, a SAW-gunner in Noor’s fire-team. “I’ve already seen enough dicks to last me a lifetime, because of the nature of this job. But so help me god, my phone is my only foundation of a straight lifestyle, so the last thing I need is dude-pics on this thing. Delete, delete, delete.”
All of Noor’s platoon-mates concur with Secondine.
Sgt. Eric Dowd, Noor’s squad leader, added: “I’ve discussed the situation with Noor. He’s a good Marine. He wears his uniform fabulously, he dresses in proper libo attire, is well-groomed, is respectful, shows up to formation on time, and smells good… but he’s still a little young and naïve about how things work. Just because this DADT thing has been repealed, doesn’t mean you can go bombarding people’s inboxes with dick-pics.”
But Semper Pink says this excuse isn’t good enough.
“We’ve maintained from day one that ‘we keep our unit out of women, so keep women out of our unit.’ Lance Corporal Noor didn’t do anything wrong here,” says Gunnery Sergeant Derek Sorenson, a spokesman for Semper Pink. “We’re calling on all gay and breeder Marines alike to boycott PX’s, chow halls, and luxury areas of the 62 area of Camp Pendleton. Furthermore, we’re asking that all gay Marines stand in front of the Regimental Commander’s office and hold a kiss in, so we can show the DoD that our contribution to military sub-culture tradition is just as important as those of straight Marines.”
“For the last decade, gay Marines have quietly endured a barrage of female nude-pics showing up in their phones,” Sorenson adds. “Some have even forwarded the pics in a show of solidarity. Is asking a breeder to forward another man too much?”
As the controversy builds, PFC Noor continues to take the most non-confrontational approach: “Look, I just wanted to humiliate that asshole. He hurt me. He may have been my lover, but I love the men I serve with… and they left me hanging like my ex’s… uh, nevermind.”
NORFOLK, VA – Yeoman Third Class Roger Dawes was named USS Gonzalez’s Junior Sailor of the Year for maintaining an immaculate boot shine, military creases in his coveralls, and having the “most pointless basic military requirements knowledge”, according to a press release from his chain of command.
“I definitely feel like I earned this,” YN3 Dawes said after the award ceremony. “The other sailors are great, don’t get me wrong, but my boots are just that shiny. You can see yourself in these bad boys.”
“I really think he deserves it,” Boatswain’s Mate Second Class John Wake said, hanging off the bow and sanding the anchor. “He puts a lot of time into ironing his working uniforms so he can look good doing paperwork.”
A wind picked up and slammed BM2 Wake against the anchor. “Ow,” he said, shaking off a concussion. “Yeah, Dawes works the hardest.”
“There were four candidates this year, and we put it up to a vote in the Chief’s mess,” Command Master Chief Derek Smalls said. “A lot of chiefs were going to vote for BM2 Wake, but I mentioned that I saw him walking around the passageways with his coverall sleeves rolled up. Then I pointed out that Dawes was the only one who knew the Alliance was the last frigate in service before the Navy disbanded in 1785. That sealed the deal, Dawes got a unanimous vote.”
“I wish I could work as hard as Dawes does,” Engineman Third Class Jane Summers said as she worked in the engine room. “Oh shit,” she said as a pipe broke, spraying her with oil. “I mean, his uniforms are always perfect. He even has creases in his coveralls, that’s dedication.”
“I went up for Bluejacket of the Quarter back when I was a seaman,” BM2 Wake said. “They asked me what the most difficult part of my job was. I said stand lookout when it’s forty degrees with twenty two knot winds. The guy who won was in supply and he said ‘keep the vending machines stocked.’ That’s rough, I’m glad I don’t have to do that.”
So, now it seems we have questions about a number of high-ranking defense officials and their conduct both on and off the job. The list reads like a resume for a Clinton-era appointee.
Shady travel vouchers got now-Lt. Gen. Kip Ward booted from AFRICOM and a missing star in the bargain. He’ll probably end his career as some project manager, sequestered in a Pentagon sub-basement. Head of Joint LGBT affairs, probably. They say he overcharged $82,000 in travel expenses. Really, what kind of overcharging can you make in Africa? Maybe he got hotel upgrades to rooms with air conditioning. You ever been to Africa? It’s hot as shit, man. I don’t blame him.
Another travel brouhaha has erupted around Adm. Jim Stavridis. He’s only been warned and no real action has been taken. I mean, really, a wine dinner in France? You’re getting on him for charging that to Uncle Sugar? I can live with that. Rank has its privileges, Jack.
Now, as you can tell, I’m all for taking full advantage of the privileges and allowances allowed to me by virtue of the motherfuckin’ star on my motherfuckin’ chest. Just as these guys used their creative accounting techniques to fully explore the advantages of their rank, I too have pushed that shit to the limit.
Case in point: a proprietary satellite internet uplink for uninterrupted tactical information feeds without sacrificing bandwidth so Private Numbnuts can Skype with his dependopatomous wife. Added side bonus: streaming porn feed from the best sites and performers the world has to offer. From A for Asian Ladyboys to Z for Z-Jobs, I have it all in my solo command post for a little hand-to-gland combat.
Now, the latest two numbskulls to get caught with their hands in the cookie jar are Generals Dave “Peaches” Petraeus and John Allen. Long story short, they’re both wrapped up in some four-star cooze. That Paula Broadwell is one fine piece of ace. Same with that Jill Kelley chick. Good shit, man.
In all honesty, Allen probably didn’t even fuck Kelley. Something about her being an unpaid military social liason, whatever the fuck that is. I’d pay her for a social liason. With my dick. Let’s just say I’d be pretty happy to send rounds down her range, ya know?
But let’s face it, they are fucking amateurs when it comes to sexual misconduct. Sure, these mopes Petraeus and Allen got some high-dollar snatch rolling, but they’re totally out of the chain of command. Where’s the fun in that? There haven’t been any details released yet, but I bet these panty waists didn’t make the objects of their desires blow them while they were tearfully asking for transfers. That’s some good shit there, man. You want to talk exhilarating? Have some fresh, hot tears splash on your freshly waxed balls sometime. Nothing better.
As an aside, get your balls waxed at that AAFES concessionaire salon at Manas AB, Kyrgyzstan. I used to head up there about every other week to “conduct inspections.” The only inspections going on were hot Kyrgyz chicks on my smooth, hairless taint. They won’t give you a handy, but they’ll wax your naughty bits if you throw enough AAFES pogs at ‘em.
But I digress.
Another sure sign of their ineptitude is the fact they’re only involved with one chick each. Shit, man, I got five of them lined up. Four are officers that were under me when they were under me and the fifth is a civilian. That’s not just sexual misconduct, that’s a fucking harem, Jack.
Let’s face it, I’m up to my knees in pelt.
Finally, and most importantly, the only reason this came to light for Allen and Peaches is that these two broads starting firing emails back and forth being all catty and shit. Mine came out in the open when one of my fillies ran to the man to complain. I guess offering her plum assignments and a laissez-faire supervisory climate doesn’t count for much when you pull your dick out in response to requests for transfer. She still wants me. You can tell. I had a boner like a T-barrier when she testified at my Chapter 32 hearing. Oh well.
Oh and one more thing about Peaches, he wrote the book on COIN, huh? I got my own book on COIN, it’s called “Cock Out, Inserted Nightly.” Call my assistant, she’ll send you a copy with my mushroom stamp on it.
Alright, you cats keep your feet on the ground and reach for the anal lube. Uncle Jeffy is fuckin’ out.
“We have attempted to make Afghanistan the happiest place on earth and simply haven’t gotten the job done,” said Secretary of Defense Leon Panetta in a statement today. “After months of private talks however, I am pleased to announce that we reached an agreement with the Disney Corporation in turning Afghanistan around. I swore that before I left this department, we would truly invest in the future of Afghanistan. Today, I’m making good on that promise.”
“We have an opportunity to make Afghanistan a sustainable franchise,” said Robert Iger, Chief Executive Officer at Disney at the signing ceremony. “We know it’s been rough going, but we’ve consulted with our top imagineers at Disney and written a treatment for a strategy of where we go from here.”
Iger went on to explain that the deal means that as of 2014, Disney will assume full responsibility for operations inside Afghanistan. This will include the conversion of Bagram Air Force Base into the new Central Asia Disneyland featuring rides like “Inside Attacker Funhouse” and “Child Princess Wedding Palace” and of course launch crossover films like the planned release of “Afghantasia” in summer 2015, which will further promote stability in the troubled country.
Other film pitches include “The Lovebug Goes to Kandahar” and “Alladin IV: Wishing the Taliban Away”.
The deal also means all groups operating inside Afghanistan — including the Taliban and Haqqani Network — will become trademarks of Disney, a move that has brought condemnation from both parties. Nevertheless, the merger is yet another coup for Disney, having acquired hot properties such as Marvel Entertainment and the Star Wars franchise.
Afghan leaders were excited to say that partnering with Disney meant “brighter days ahead.”
“We remain confident that Disney at least has its financial house in order,” said President Harmid Karzai. “It is a delight to work with people who are interested in seeing this through. They have the resources and will not withdraw because it is politically expedient.”
“I’m also very much interested in being cryogenically frozen like Walt Disney apparently was. At least for a couple hundred years while this whole civil war, political instability, and brink of destruction stuff works itself out,” added Karzai.
The Taliban has been less receptive to the deal.
“We condemn all dealings with the infidel entity Disney,” declared Taliban spokesman Zabiullah Mujihid in a telephone interview. “We have no interest in having Disney in our country. They represent the very worst values of America. Perhaps even worse than that, they are far more efficient at destoying any means of creativity beyond their intended vision. Their lawyers will be a far more challenging opponent than the Army or Marines.”
“Believe me, I saw ‘The Avengers’ on disk. I know what we’re up against,” he added.
Disney officials declined to comment on whether The Avengers would be used to handle park security.
NORFOLK, VA – Secretary of the Navy Ray Mabus went on a tour of the USS San Antonio today to promote his new initiative to separate all enlisted sailors and replace them with civilian contractors.
“This is a great way to save the Navy money,” Mabus said as he explained the reasoning behind the pending decision. “Every sailor costs the Navy roughly $300,000 a year, so we decided to give them all generous separation packages and rehire them as contractors at double their enlisted salary. It won’t cost a thing to recruit or train them.”
Many observers noted that Mabus has ignored the fact that they were previously recruited and trained by the military.
“The San Antonio is a great example of what a new civilian operated Navy can do,” Mabus said. “She’s six years old, a billion dollars over budget, and hasn’t been seaworthy since we bought her. She is a shining example of what the Navy can accomplish without sailors.”
“Do you see this? This is efficiency,” Mabus said as he crossed the quarterdeck, pointing to a line of workers waiting to clock out. “An hour before their shift is over and they’re already lining up, motivated and ready to go. They must have finished their work early.”
Mabus toured the ship, stopping by four contractors trying to bolt a manhole cover into the deck. “In the old days a sailor with a wrench would do this in twenty minutes. Now it’ll take three hours and only cost $20,000.”
Mabus stopped by a closed hatch and tapped it. “See this? If this broke, we would have to recruit and hire someone to fix it, and we’d end up having to pay them for twenty years. Now we can just hire someone to fix it if it breaks.”
“Wouldn’t a sailor fix more than one hatch in twenty years?” reporter Nathan Wall asked. The response was terse from Mabus’ assistant.
“Don’t question the SecNav,” Lieutenant Commander Stephen Rogers responded.
“Let’s see what’s inside this fan room,” Mabus said, stepping inside and waking a contractor from his nap. “Sorry, sorry,” Mabus said, stepping back outside and shutting the door. “Go back to sleep.”
Mabus said touring the engines was the highlight of his trip. “Look at this weld” Mabus said, pointing to a cracked weld that was leaking oil. “A chief would never allow such shoddy workmanship. Good thing we fired them all.”
Mabus had intended to visit USS Fort Worth (LCS 3) but was unable to after cost overruns on construction of LCS 1 and 2 had placed the contract for all future LCS ships on hold and sparked Congressional inquiry. Mabus said the inquiry was unnecessary and that “there is nothing wrong with the LCS platforms apart from the leaking hulls.”
By the time the Colorado State Patrol arrived on scene, the Marine had already moved vehicles 300 meters away from what was reported to be a dead deer, and had positioned himself on a nearby overpass.
“He didn’t appear to be crazy,” reported Colorado State Patrol Sheriff Ralph Sparkowitz. “In fact, a few of my men were a little confused and actually started to follow his instructions to post security at his six- and nine-o’-clock.”
Susie Johnson, a bank manager on her way to work at First National Bank, felt the former Marine had the situation completely under control.
“I never really thought about it before, but animal carcassas really would make a great place for hiding a bomb,” admitted Johnson. “And those insurgents will stop at nothing to take our freedom!”
Other drivers left the scene slightly confused.
“He kept yelling at us to do our ‘fives and twenty-fives,’” explained construction worker Donald Opatrny.
“He yelled at everyone on the bus when they started using their cell phones to let their jobs know they’d be late,” said GO Boulder bus driver Randall Keane.
The Marine Corps has yet to release a statement regarding the incident. However, the local Veteran Affairs (VA) office where the Marine was heading released a statement late Tuesday afternoon stating, “The VA believes our veterans possess valuable skills that are applicable to today’s workforce. We look forward to working with the Colorado Division of Wildlife to find this veteran, and many other qualifying veterans, meaningful jobs clearing Colorado’s roads of wildlife that have been struck by vehicles. This is just one of many ways the VA helps our nation’s veterans become productive members of society.”
Martin Rainey, another veteran who was arrested last month for causing a three-hour delay on Colorado’s I-25 after refusing to drive past a cardboard box, now works for Colorado’s Department of Transportation, where he supervises inmates cleaning the interstate.
“I’d do anything to get back in the Army,” Rainey admits. “Civilians are just oblivious to the dangers around them. They’re like a bunch of sheep, ignoring the wolf … or whatever that saying is.”
In unrelated news, three people nearly drowned when their SUV rolled into a roadside stream late this afternoon.
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