November 2012

Opinion: Putting Your Hands In Your Pockets Will Get You Killed

by SGT B

chandlerfe

The following is an opinion piece by Sergeant Major of the Army Raymond F. Chandler III. Listen up troops. Listen really closely. You want to put your hands in your pockets? Too friggin’ bad. It’s right there in AR 670-1. I helped write that piece of beautiful literature. I know the cost that comes with [...]

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General Dunford Accepts Wager To Spend Year In Haunted Command

by Dark Laughter

Haunted Command

PASHTYLVANIA, AFGHANISTAN – Marine Corps General Joseph Dunford, Jr. confirmed late yesterday that he has accepted a wager to spend no less than one year in the supposedly haunted command of United States Forces – Afghanistan (USFOR-A). Legend has it that there is a terrible curse on the command, located deep in the foreboding mountains of [...]

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Veterans Affairs Makes Life Easier For Vets; Modifies, Loses Records

by drew

VA Secretary Eric Shinseki

OAKLAND, CA – A local Veterans Affairs office is leading the nation with an innovative approach to veterans issues, by helping military members transition to civilian life by modifying their records without their knowledge, a VA spokesperson said today. “A lot of our employees were getting bored with staring at their desks for 20 straight [...]

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Army Delays Robotic First Sergeant PRC-E8 Program

by G-Had

The current prototype model of the PRC-E8

ABERDEEN, MD – The commander of the U.S. Army Aberdeen Test Center has officially notified the Pentagon of further delays to an experimental program to deploy robotic First Sergeants to remote outposts in Afghanistan. Colonel Gordon Graham, who only assumed command of Aberdeen in mid-August, announced on Monday that the Portable Rocker-Chevron Eight, or PRC-E8 program, is still [...]

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Marine Corps Admits 5.0 Marines Actually Exist

by Rob

Main Gate of MCB Quantico, courtesy of Marine Corps Times.

QUANTICO, VA – The Marine Corps released an administrative message Friday admitting that despite what many of its staff non-commissioned officers (SNCO’s) have claimed over the years, “5.0 Marines” do indeed exist. 5.0/5.0 is a perfect score on the Marine Corps proficiency and conduct marks — ratings that help junior Marines get promoted. Once a [...]

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Mob Violence Breaks Out At West Point, 63 Wounded

by ArmyJ

West Point Cadet screaming

WEST POINT, NY - Mob violence struck the United States Military Academy at West Point yesterday when a large confrontation between upperclassmen and freshmen, also known as Plebes, resulted in over 60 casualties, many life threatening. This latest incident follows close behind the tragic events at the United States Air Force Academy, when almost two dozen [...]

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U.S. Air Force Turns 65; Looks Forward to Retirement in Spring

by Dirty

Airman dancing with senior citizen

THE PENTAGON - In a surprise announcement earlier today, General Mark Welsh III, Air Force Chief of Staff, revealed that the Air Force is planning to retire sometime in the Spring, having last month celebrated her 65th birthday.  Also present for the announcement was Air Force Secretary Michael B. Donley, who praised the service record of [...]

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US General’s Pornography Collection Promotes Female Empowerment In Afghanistan

by ArmyJ

General Sinclair

KANDAHAR, AFGHANISTAN – While the Department of Defense is still reacting to the ongoing investigation of Brigadier General Jeffrey Sinclair, who has been charged with adultery, forcible sodomy, and a host of other crimes, one of his lesser offenses, possession of pornography, may be having positive effects. The 4.6 terabytes of explicit, hardcore sexual performances [...]

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