December 2012

Packs of Wild Gays Terrorizing Families At Fort Bragg

FAYETTEVILLE, NC – Packs of feral gay soldiers have been spotted roaming base housing at Fort Bragg, preying on people who are not “totally fabulous,” according to witness statements. Initial reports indicate that the gays hunt at night in packs of ten to twelve. They catch unwary heterosexuals and forcibly sodomize them until they become [...]

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Marines Deploy to Facebook to Stop Flame War

by G-Had

CAMP LEJEUNE, NC – Members of the 22nd Marine Expeditionary Unit have confirmed that they will be conducting a deployment to Facebook to stop a flame war. MEU commander Col. James Christmas told reporters he had received a warning order from U.S. Cyber Command yesterday evening and that Marines should be prepared to deploy immediately to [...]

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115th Mobile Abortion Detachment Provides Crucial Support At Kandahar

by David Brooks

KANDAHAR AIR FIELD, AFGHANISTAN – While some of the hardest jobs on deployment fall on the men and women of the medical profession, the job of Lieutenant Colonel Jennifer Dalten is a particularly difficult one. As the commanding officer of the 115th Mobile Abortion Detachment, the only deployable abortion facility in the US Army, it [...]

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Shock Report: Returning Soldier Has No Issues, PTSD

by ArmyJ

SEATTLE, WA – Lawmakers and liberal groups alike were outraged yesterday when sources identified Staff Sergeant Bryan Miles, a veteran infantryman in the US Army returning from his fourth combat tour, as having no traumatic issues, adjustment difficulties, or domestic problems that would prevent him from rejoining society after his latest deployment to Afghanistan. Witnesses [...]

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US Army Awarded Medal Of Honor After Jumping On Fiscal Grenade

by Dirk Diggler

THE PENTAGON — President Obama announced today that he would be awarding the Medal of Honor to the U.S. Army for its “great sacrifice and courage in the face of a fiscal disaster,” according to an official statement. This week, the U.S. Army joined many past recipients of the nation’s highest award for bravery by [...]

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Mortar Section Keeps Getting Interrupted By ‘Goddamn Fire Missions’

by Paul

MARJAH, AFGHANISTAN – Multiple sources with the 1st Section of 3rd Battalion, 3rd Marines 81mm Mortar Platoon are confirming today that they are never able to finish their card games or complete other important duties, because they keep getting interrupted by annoying calls for fire support. “The Marine Corps sends us here to do a [...]

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Soldier Shoots Mommy Kissing Santa Claus

by David Brooks

FT LEONARD WOOD, MO — Military police were called last night to the home of U.S. Army Sergeant Daniel Maddox, after an altercation involving his wife Karen and a large man in a red suit. Neighbors provided The Duffel Blog with a description of the events as they heard them. “Well, I’m sitting on my porch having [...]

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F-22 Scores First Combat Kill Against Eight-Engined Red Aircraft

by Jay

JOINT BASE ELMENDORF-RICHARDSON, AK – Captain Gary Rinch of the 622nd Fighter Wing can lay claim to the first combat kill with an F-22 fighter after shooting down what he described as “an eight-engined red aircraft” late last night. The encounter took place on December 24th, at 2345 Alaskan Time, north of the Arctic Circle [...]

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