FAYETTEVILLE, NC – Packs of feral gay soldiers have been spotted roaming base housing at Fort Bragg, preying on people who are not “totally fabulous,” according to witness statements.
Initial reports indicate that the gays hunt at night in packs of ten to twelve. They catch unwary heterosexuals and forcibly sodomize them until they become gay, because that’s how sexuality works. Over a dozen families have reported that their children chose to become gay after being attacked in this manner.
“I’ve tripled the amount of patrols,” said Colonel David Jesse, head of base security. “The amount of gays is growing at an exponential rate. I think they have rabies or something. I mean, there’s always a bunch of white stuff dripping from their mouths.”
“I got my first call about them right after Don’t Ask Don’t Tell was repealed,” said Sergeant John Cripes, a military policeman. “There were gays in the military beforehand, but after DADT was gone, they just went rabid. There’s really no way to stop them. In ten years or so, this entire base will be overrun by gays.”
The threat has become so great that MP’s have created a list of ways to spot a military homosexual. The list includes managing to make a military haircut fashionable, uniforms that fit, and an absence of Tapout shirts or black pants covered in chains.
The Duffel Blog managed to track down an alpha of one of the gay packs, who wished to only be referred to as “Power Bottom.” As he spoke, he directed the plan of attack for the night’s patrol.
“Oh silly,” he said when asked how he was so good at mapping out patrol plans. “It’s why we joined the military. We’re learning all we can so we can take over the military and then take all the God fearing Americans’ guns away.”
Captain John Wake, who serves as a chaplain, preached about the wild gays at the base chapel earlier this week.
“Homosexuals are a growing threat that’s becoming harder to face every day,” he said, his voice bellowing from the pulpit. “This problem is too visible to cover up and it won’t go away until we find a way to get it off our base. If we don’t deal with it it’ll explode and we’ll be covered with the consequences.”
In related news, leaked documents from the Pentagon state that seven submarines have gone AWOL and have not been in contact with their squadrons for weeks.
Navy Captain Dave Wells speculated in a memo that “One hundred and fifty men went down, but seventy five couples took over.”
CAMP LEJEUNE, NC – Members of the 22nd Marine Expeditionary Unit have confirmed that they will be conducting a deployment to Facebook to stop a flame war.
MEU commander Col. James Christmas told reporters he had received a warning order from U.S. Cyber Command yesterday evening and that Marines should be prepared to deploy immediately to Facebook’s headquarters in Menlo Park, California.
Christmas also said that the 22nd MEU will be evacuating thousands of Internet Displaced Persons or IDPs, fleeing Facebook for other social media sites. Both MySpace and Google+ have offered to take the refugees, claiming they have “plenty of space available.”
Although Christmas reiterated that the mission would be “strictly a peacekeeping operation,” deploying Marines to Facebook is unprecedented and will come with numerous challenges. The first task will be creating a defensible base of operations, tentatively dubbed “Firebase Zuckerberg,” followed by establishing reliable supply lines for necessities like vehicles, ammunition, and baby wipes.
Regarding the difficulty of emplacing military supply lines in a foreign theater, Christmas remained optimistic, adding that he had “full faith in the ability of Navy Logistics to get what’s needed where it’s needed, when it’s needed, at least 75 percent of the time.”
The MEU has already instituted advanced web navigation courses for junior officers, to avoid “the unlikely event that a platoon leader ever becomes lost.”
It has also received multiple interpreters, who will help them decrypt the various and often confusing languages commonly found online: LOLSpeak, 1337, ALLCAPS, and others.
One volunteer interpreter, who, as a teenager, grew up mostly in The Internet, claims her first language is not English, but rather, “aLtErNaTe CaPs,” a nearly-undecipherable codex not yet taught at the military’s Defense Language Institute.
The flame war broke out on The Duffel Blog’s Facebook page earlier this week in response to the satirical article, “Barack Obama is a Kenyan Muslim and I Will Not Follow His Orders“. It was quickly picked up by Examiner.com, a news site that is basically a low rent version of Ebaums World.
Although initial posts were limited to readers complaining about The Duffel Blog not being as funny as it was nine months ago, within hours the number of posts had exploded to encompass the 2012 election, 9/11, the global Zionist conspiracy to cancel Firefly, and the incorrect pronunciation of Sergeants Major.
Social media experts worry that without prompt intervention the flame war could easily spread to Flickr, Twitter, Tumbler, and YouTube. Some experts were even liveblogging about a “nightmare scenario” where the flame war could spin out of control: jumping to the Drudge Report, the regular Internet, or even a cable news outlet.
The 22nd MEU has been serving as CYBERCOM’s theater-level reserve for the past two months. During this time it has provided support for cyber-security operations and Internet cooperative efforts, such as last month’s battalion-wide editing of the Wikipedia article on Gangnam Style.
At the time of the alert it was in the middle of Operation HAND-WARMER, a multi-week exercise on YouPorn.
Duffel Blog Investigative Reporter Dirty also contributed to this report.
KANDAHAR AIR FIELD, AFGHANISTAN – While some of the hardest jobs on deployment fall on the men and women of the medical profession, the job of Lt. Col. Jennifer Dalten is a particularly difficult one. As the commanding officer of the 115th Mobile Abortion Detachment, the only deployable abortion facility in the US Army, it falls on her to ensure that America’s fighting women can receive safe and timely access to abortions in combat zones and stay in the fight.
“I’d say on a given week we’re usually performing between fifteen to twenty abortions. More if we’re on Air Status Red and there’s nothing else to do on the FOB,” said Dalten. “Last week we actually went on a cordon-and-search operation and while the infantry were searching houses, we were providing discrete abortions for the local women as a service to the host nation. You know, in this part of the world their only usual access to abortions comes from coat hangers, jumping on IEDs, and honor killings.”
The 115th was set up in early 2010 in response to the increasing problems of servicewomen getting pregnant on deployments.
“We were constantly conducting emergency medical evacuations of female soldiers in labor,” said Maj. Gen. Anthony Cucolo, the former commander of the 3rd Infantry Division. In response to the increasing number of babies being born to deployed females, Cucolo put out an emergency request to the Army for a mobile abortion detachment.
“We had the same worries as the American public when we first undertook this mission,” continued Cucolo. “For example, would our soldiers feel obligated to opt for an abortion? Well, I can happily tell you that all of our abortions have been absolutely voluntary and have allowed our servicewomen to avoid the article 15s and losses of rank that would result from continuing their pregnancies.”
For the women in uniform, the services of the 115th have come as a godsend.
“I became pregnant three months into my deployment,” confesses a Specialist currently stationed in Kandahar. “At first, I was worried how my husband would react, but because of the dedicated soldiers at [the Mobile Abortion Detachment], that wasn’t necessary. I was able to get an abortion without my husband finding out about my pregnancy, and now when I get home, we’re going to have a real baby.”
And while life on the road with the 115th may be seen as glamorous, it comes at the costs of hard days and long hours. “There’s some really tough times, and it gets difficult,” acknowledges Specialist Libby Arnette, “but I never question the good we’re doing. Nothing compares to the joy you see in a soldier who’s had her first abortion. This job is its own reward.”
Last month, Arnette was awarded Medic of the Month for her assistance in 119 abortions.
The success of the 115th has even garnered the attention of some senior Army leaders. Secretary of the Army John McHugh has introduced a new policy that would expand abortions in the military and build on the hard work started by the 115th. This is in keeping with Defense Secretary Panetta’s promise to increase the number of abortions military-wide.
“It’s great being the standard that the Army can build from,” confirms Lt. Col. Dalten. “This not only reflects well on the soldiers of my unit who have assisted on countless abortions day in and day out but also on the Army as a whole.”
Duffel Blog Investigative Reporter G-Had also contributed to this report.
SEATTLE, WA – Lawmakers and liberal groups alike were outraged yesterday when sources identified Staff Sergeant Bryan Miles, a veteran infantryman in the US Army returning from his fourth combat tour, as having no traumatic issues, adjustment difficulties, or domestic problems that would prevent him from rejoining society after his latest deployment to Afghanistan.
Witnesses claim that when the 36 year-old SNCO was drinking milk at a local bar, and several visibly intoxicated privates began to sing war songs while crying about the friend they knew who died on deployment, the Staff Sergeant smiled and refused to participate in the loud story-telling that followed. Even after the locals at the bar began purchasing drinks for the group of young soldiers back from their first and only deployment, Miles remained quiet.
Many present were not even aware that the tall, well-groomed man at the end of the bar was in the military, possessing no tattoos, a medium length haircut, and conservative yet stylish clothes that drew the eye of several local women without once revealing his veteran status.
Further investigation also found that Miles visited a local Applebees restaurant on Veteran’s Day for “a bite to eat” with his wife and baby girl, both untouched by drunken outbursts of violence or drug induced neglect. When the waitress asked Miles what he’d like to eat, the man was heard ordering without even mentioning the fact that he was in the military, despite the fact that it would have earned him a free meal.
The only change to his demeanor during the entire meal was when he had to raise his voice to be heard by his wife over the shouted demands of three soldiers in the next booth who were demanding that “heroes drink for free.”
In fact, when Miles returned home after a 12 month combat deployment, in which he personally suffered 2 IED blasts, as well as a gunshot to the left thigh, received in a firefight that claimed the lives of two fellow soldiers, he spent his first few hours having a quiet meal with his family, then had two small glasses of juice before falling asleep around 10pm.
Veterans Affairs personnel first became unsure of the soldier after a counselor visited his unit upon redeployment. Miles calmly listed out his injuries, violent and traumatic experiences, and claimed that he was perfectly fine, though he sometimes had trouble sleeping.
Officers in his unit grew suspicious as well when the entire platoon decided to get “death before dishonor” tattoos to commemorate their experiences and Miles declined.
Officials are now investigating reports that not only has Miles never beat his wife, he has also remained faithful to her during over 12 years of marriage, and looks forward to seeing her every day after work. “The fact that he actually loves his wife and hasn’t beaten her like the rest of soldiers coming back from combat is mind blowing,” said Keith Olbermann, in a tweet after the story broke.
Secretary of Veterans Affairs Eric Shinseki said that he would work hard to help the soldier through his readjustment in a prepared statement:
“Clearly this young man has serious issues, and we’re going to get to the bottom of this. A returning veteran like this is clearly so delusional that he needs serious medical attention. I look forward to getting him into our system as quickly as possible, and we will be making an exception for this particular soldier and getting him immediate processing by the VA, rather than waiting the standard 8-10 months for the normal cases of suicidal behavior, PTSD, and wound trauma. We’re all about helping people in need.”
THE PENTAGON — President Obama announced today that he would be awarding the Medal of Honor to the U.S. Army for its “great sacrifice and courage in the face of a fiscal disaster,” according to an official statement.
This week, the U.S. Army joined many past recipients of the nation’s highest award for bravery by jumping on a fiscal grenade, and having its budget blown apart.
A decade of protracted war, tax cuts, and reckless entitlement spending placed the U.S. government on the precipice of a dreaded “fiscal cliff.” With lawmakers facing the challenge of cutting $1.2 trillion from the budget over the next ten years, it could have forced Americans to swallow a series of automatic tax increases and cuts to entitlement spending.
This would have forced the average American to make immense sacrifices in order to tackle the nation’s ever-mounting debt. Fortunately, the U.S. Army leapt on the impending fiscal grenade, sparing Americans from the horror of sacrificing for the well-being of the nation.
But in doing so, the Army paid a heavy price: it was forced to accept massive budget cuts, and reduce the size of the Active-Duty Army to 430,000 soldiers. By fiscal year 2015, over 140,000 soldiers will be looking for a new line of work.
Nevertheless, the Army’s noble sacrifice prevented Congress from having to reach an agreement, after months of heated talks.
Choking back crocodile tears, Sen. John Kerry (D-Mass.) was grateful for the Army commitment to service.
“The U.S. Army has tirelessly borne the brunt of war over the past decade,” said Kerry, “so if there’s anyone who has plenty of experience in the whole sacrifice department, it’s definitely them.”
Kerry went on to thank the Army for its selfless service, but added, “It’s just, well, for 140,000 of you, your services are no longer required.” He was unavailable for further comment, as he was preparing to spend New Year’s Eve at his mansion in the Cayman Islands, on which he pays no taxes.
The Army’s heroic actions spared Americans from almost certain inconvenience. Americans can enjoy the gift of life, made even sweeter due to the fact that they now pay less in taxes than they did during the 1980s, and certainly less than nearly every industrialized country in the world.
“Let us not forget this day,” said House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio), after the award was announced. “These heroics will always be remembered, until we screw up something else of course. The U.S. Army gave up its budget so that others may live, off the government’s dime.”
The Army’s actions not only saved everyday Americans the burden of higher taxes and cuts to popular government programs, but it also saved the lives of millions of defense programs.
Gen. Mark A. Welsh III, Chief of Staff of the Air Force, released a statement saying, “thanks to the U.S. Army’s heroic sacrifice, we were able to buy three additional F-22 Raptors.”
“Never before have so many sacrificed for so little,” he added.
MARJAH, AFGHANISTAN – Multiple sources with the 1st Section of 3rd Battalion, 3rd Marines 81mm Mortar Platoon are confirming today that they are never able to finish their card games or complete other important duties, because they keep getting interrupted by annoying calls for fire support.
“The Marine Corps sends us here to do a job and as 0341′s [Military Occupational Specialty], we perform that job flawlessly,” said LCpl Ryan Eagles of Springfield, IL. “But all my spades training at 29 Palms, Hawaii, Bridgeport, and basically everywhere is going to waste when we have to do these goddamn fire missions.”
Infantry Mortarmen typically serve in 81mm Spades platoons in Weapons Company or alongside 0311 rifleman in smaller 60mm sections. They receive years of training in card tricks and gameplay, proper dodging of higher-ups, and how to drink far beyond human capacity.
“At SOI [School of Infantry], our instructors really taught us the fundamentals — spades always trumps, you need to get to 500 points, that sort of thing,” said PFC Hugo Rodriguez. “Then when we got to the fleet, the training got even more intense — we had nightly binge drinking events and PT runs away from the OOD, and belligerence basics.”
“This is my first deployment, I know, but it seems like all that training is going to waste out here, having us drop mortar rounds as collateral duty,” he added.
In their short time here, the section has received numerous calls for fire from riflemen in their area of responsibility, like one request last week for immediate suppression from a platoon in a savage firefight roughly 3 kilometers from their position.
“Archer, archer, this is Blackbeard, immediate suppression, grid 32783732, over,” said radio transmission operator LCpl David Alarik of Lima Company, who was pinned down by approximately 40 enemy fighters.
1st Section Fire Direction Chief Sergeant Brandon Davis shrugged after receiving the radio call. “These guys are so goddamn needy.”
“Roger, Blackbeard,” Davis responded, keying his handset. “Be advised, you came in broken and unreadable, say again, over.”
“That usually delays them for a bit, then of course next I’ll tell them that they are danger close,” Davis told Duffel Blog reporters. ”Then if they figure out they are good with range, I’ll tell them Battalion Fires isn’t allowing me to drop the rounds.”
“But sometimes, we’re forced to actually do this bullshit. I wish I could just serve my country like my recruiter told me I would, playing cards on training missions and having sex with Thai prostitutes,” he added.
FT LEONARD WOOD, MO — Military police were called last night to the home of U.S. Army Sergeant Daniel Maddox, after an altercation involving his wife Karen and a large man in a red suit.
Neighbors provided The Duffel Blog with a description of the events as they heard them.
“Well, I’m sitting on my porch having a cigarette, and I hear such a clatter of screaming,” begins neighbor Reevis Jenkins.
“Suddenly, I hear Danny (SGT Maddox) yelling, ‘Oh fuck no, I didn’t go through four deployments to come home to this shit. You promised last time would be the last time. Well I can guaran-damn-tee you this shit won’t be happening again. And you stand the fuck still, fat man. You’re next.’”
At that point, according to Reevis, he heard multiple gunshots, and he called the police.
Police have already released the transcript of the 911 call from the Maddox’s six year-old son, who called during the commotion. His name is being withheld for privacy reasons.
According to the transcripts, the dispatcher asked the boy where he was.
“I was supposed to be in bed. But it was Christmas Eve, so I went downstairs to see what Santa brought me,” the boy told the 911 emergency operator.
“What did you see?” the dispatcher asked.
“I saw my Mommy under the mistletoe kissing Santa,” the boy said.
“And then what happened?” the dispatcher asked.
“At first, I thought it would be funny if Daddy had come home and seen it, but then he did come home and it wasn’t funny at all,” the young boy sobbed.
This was apparently not the first time police had been called to the Maddox residence.
Apparently the previous Christmas, Maddox had to be physically restrained after screaming at his wife, “I see you when you’re sleeping! I know when you’re awake! I know when you’ve been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake!”
Maddox remains in custody and refused to provide comment to The Duffel Blog, saying only that he still loved his wife and was hopeful that they could work it out.
JOINT BASE ELMENDORF-RICHARDSON, AK – Captain Gary Rinch of the 622nd Fighter Wing can lay claim to the first combat kill with an F-22 fighter after shooting down what he described as “an eight-engined red aircraft” late last night.
The encounter took place on December 24th, at 2345 Alaskan Time, north of the Arctic Circle during a combat air patrol exercise.
Capt. Rinch had suspicions about the unidentified aircraft, and reported the pilot wouldn’t reply to any attempts to make contact.
“He wasn’t broadcasting any FAA or DOD identifying signals,” said Rinch. “He kept on his southerly course and had to be viewed as a threat.”
The F-22 and its pilot performed a flyby to visually inspect the aircraft at Mach 2. “I saw a red fuselage and eight powerplants moving that sucker. Of course, at that speed, things get distorted.”
After multiple attempts to force the aircraft off its course, Rinch had no choice but to fire a single missile at the airborne interloper. After multiple failed attempts to launch, Rinch considered doing another flyby and down the unresponsive craft with his cannon.
“Things got a little weird at this point. I’m not sure if it was the Aurora Borealis, or maybe I wasn’t breathing correctly to maximize the O2 system, but I could swear I saw a sparkly con-trail coming off the craft,” Rinch said.
Before he could close with the intruder, Rinch’s weapons issues were sorted out and he fired at the red aircraft. The AIM-120 AMRAAM air-to-air missile streaked toward its target at four times the speed of sound. It closed the 20-mile engagement distance in less than 30 seconds.
“The explosion was pretty spectacular, at least I imagine it was. All I saw was a bright flash about the size of a raisin.”
An analysis of the aircraft based off of Capt. Rinch’s account along with radar returns and pieces found at the suspected crash site reveal the aircraft may have been an upgraded TU-95 Bear bomber. Although the Bear was designed with four engines, each uses two sets of contra-rotating propellers, which gives credence to the eight-engined analysis.
Speaking under condition of anonymity, the intelligence officer for the 622nd stated, “It’s amazing that Capt. Rinch was able to take out this obvious threat to our national security,” said Lt. Daniel Alvarado. “A search of the crash site uncovered a number of dangerous items such as advanced computers, I believe called Nabi Tablets or something. Probably missile guidance systems.”
Other sources reported finding a number of innocent-looking items that could have been weaponized. “We found something called a Beyblade. Essentially, it’s a gyrocsopically stabilized knife. Very dangerous in the right hands.”
Victor Perkins, a Lockheed Martin/Boeing Congressional Liason, met the news with high praise.
“Obviously, this goes to show that American ingenuity and know-how can really get the job done. All it takes is a vision combined with can-do attitude, the world’s best pilots and a unit cost of $412 million.”
In unrelated news, NORAD’s Santa Tracker website went down unexpectedly on December 25th at 0145 Mountain Time.
Before fully celebrating Christmas, you are supposed to watch this video. It’s a new regulation. Go ahead, look it up.
THE PENTAGON – Pentagon spokesperson George Little confirmed the death of a Specialist with the 3rd Brigade Combat Team last night in a suspected “Red on Green” attack.
According to a Pentagon press release, he was apparently killed by a man dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot. His attire was also tarnished with ashes and soot.
Little would not comment if the man was Santa himself, or a Taliban sympathizer dressed as Santa.
As winter sets in throughout Afghanistan, fighting in the mountainous country typically grinds to a standstill. That lull has allowed the Pentagon to shift its efforts to commit troops to its annual War on Christmas.
Captain James Grinch, an intelligence officer from Fort Wainwright, Alaska, pointed to a sprawling map of the Arctic region.
“A bearded man with a white fur coat, who gives out ‘gifts’ to ‘good children’, regardless of how hard they work? Oh, and he lives near Siberia? Total Commie,” said Grinch, with a wide grin.
The War on Christmas has taken a mounting toll on US troops over the past few years, with Improvised Explosive Devices the biggest killer. Elvish insurgents have become increasinly innovative in their use of IEDs hidden under trees, in packages, and even in the carcasses of dead reindeer.
The Specialist’s death comes two days after a controversial shooting incident at a checkpoint near a US Air Force weather station near Nome, Alaska, which killed an elderly man in what US military sources claim was a Vehicle-Borne IED.
US military officials say that the vehicle, a sleigh believed packed with a massive load of explosives, failed to halt. It was also believed that a bright red light eminating from the forward portion of the vehicle may have been from a PAC-4 laser sight.
US officials insist the occupant was shot in self-defense.
MADISON,WI – Hundreds of college students, representing more than ninety universities, recently converged on Madison to hold their eleventh annual Benevolent Institute of The Chicken-Hawk conference. The organization is seeing its highest turnout in its decade of existence.
As wars in Afghanistan and Iraq have wound down, the organization worries that there “won’t be any more foreign wars to fight.”
The popular campus group was founded in 2002 by Reed Vanderbilt, then an undergraduate at the University of Tennessee. It has since spread to over one hundred colleges across the country. The group’s motto, “We make the war, they do the chore,” represents their mission of breeding the future smoke-filled backroom shot-callers of America. It boasts an honorary national board composed of a virtual Who’s Who of defense industry executives and politicians. Former Presidential Candidate Mitt Romney is the Honorary Chairman, and was scheduled to speak.
“I’m really stoked to be here,” says Tim Olson, a student from the University of Minnesota. “We’ve got a lot of great minds coming together. We’ve got future congressmen, business leaders, and some chicks looking to find a husband.”
Standing next to Olson is Thad Berry, a graduate student at Rice University in Houston, TX.
“I just met Tim a few hours ago,” says Berry. “That’s the beauty of this conference, you know? Students from all over the country can get together and discuss how we’re going to continue force-feeding democracy to the uncivilized world. It’s a brotherhood that nobody can understand. Plus, we have an awesome ‘Risk’ tournament to close out the week.”
When asked if he would be willing to take up arms in order to accomplish the spread of his organization’s ideals, Berry didn’t hesitate.
“Well, my uncle did his twelve hours in Grenada and my cousin’s brother-in-law is a dietitian in the Vermont National Guard, so, I think my family has done enough time in the shit. I’m just here to discuss how we’re going to keep providing wars for the brave men and women in uniform. It’s really all about them at the end of the day.”
The Duffel Blog asked a number of other students whether they had considered military service before college. A surprising number said yes.
“I thought about joining,” said Greg Cadena, a student from San Diego State University. “But I have some acne around my left ankle, so I probably would have been disqualified. I figured the next best thing for me would be serve my country by joining a collegiate organization that asks others to serve and has an open bar at its meetings.”
“Same here,” added Todd Benson, Cadena’s fraternity brother at the Alpha Sigma Sigma house. “I really wanted to join the Army, but a constant sore on my elbow would have disqualified me. Regardless, I totally voted for The Hurt Locker at the MTV Teen Choice Awards.”
“I want my unborn children to grow up in an America where they will never have to question whether or not they might get called to put on a uniform. Somebody here said, ‘They also serve, who only order others into combat with nothing at stake personally,’ and that really resonated for me. That is what being in BITCH is all about.”
FT WALTON BEACH, FL – Active-duty Airman 1st Class David H Teague was admitted to White-Wilson Medical Center today after alleged bullying and assault by four 8th-grade students.
Inspired by the heroics of Marine Sgt. Craig Pusley, who he said “looked really badass standing by that flag pole,” Teague decided to take matters into his own hands and sit down in a borrowed office chair in front of his alma mater, Max Bruner Junior Middle School.
However, less than an hour after the first bell sounded, Teague’s moment of glory turned into a nightmare.
“I took a break after 50 minutes and went to the soda machine,” Teague explained. “But when I was counting out change to buy my Code Red [Mountain Dew], someone approached me from behind and slapped my hand from below, and change flew everywhere.”
When Teague turned around to see who had so rudely slapped him, he was shocked to see a group of four menacing 8th-grade students sneering at him.
“I explained to this kid that it is not polite to knock things out of people’s hands, and that’s when he slapped me across the face.”
Teague, thinking back to his six weeks of basic training at Lackland Air Force Base, sprang into action.
“I flattened out my right hand into sort of a knife, then I cocked my arm back and slammed it into my back pocket and grasped my wallet very firmly. Then I pulled the wallet straight up, out of the pocket. Then I moved my upper arm down and paralell to my body with my forearm at a right angle. You do it like that so you can meet your support hand in front of your chest quickly, you see,” said Teague, demonstrating the movement for Duffel Blog reporters. “Once I had the wallet in both hands, I removed my blue stress card, held it so that the assailant could read it and extended it out. I told him that he must cease all stress inducing activity until such time as I feel that I can continue.”
Unfortunately for Teague, the 13 and 14-year old students responded with violence.
“They just laughed at me,” he later explained. “The one in front, he started it. He punched my name tag real hard so the pins pushed through the frogs and stabbed me in the chest. Then his friend pulled the back of my underwear up over my head.”
Teague is currently being treated for minor cuts to his face and excessive sewage water consumption, after being held upside down over a toilet in the boy’s bathroom.
Following the incident, the school principal has launched an investigation and stated that the school has a zero tolerance policy for bullying and violence.
The alleged perpetrators are currently at large in 4th period.
FORT DRUM, NY - Private First Class Martin Purdue, a soldier in the 10th Mountain Division, was horrified to wake up this morning and find that the world had not in fact ended last night, as predicted by the Mayans approximately 700 years ago.
Purdue initially become fascinated by the ancient prediction after seeing 2012, an apocalypse film released in 2009 starring John Cusack. When Purdue returned to the barracks that night after the film ended, he immediately began surfing the internet and found myriad websites devoted to end-of-times conspiracies. He quickly became a fervent believer.
Year by year, as the predicted date grew closer, PFC Purdue realized that his insider knowledge about the impending catastrophe created a unique opportunity for him to exploit. In November 2012, he took out a $200,000 loan at 47% interest from Honest Mike’s Loan and Liquor Emporium of Watertown, NY.
He also applied for nine separate military-friendly credit cards and proceeded to max them out on mass purchases of energy drinks, TapOut gear, WWE tickets, and a succession of high-priced call girls in the Syracuse area.
When interviewed about the purchases, Purdue explained his rationale:
“Who the hell cared about things like interest rates, payoff dates or safe sex? I mean, none of these idiots had any clue that the world was about to end. They went around their lives like December 2012 was just another month.”
By far the largest purchase made was a no-money-down offer on a neon green 2012 Mustang convertible with a gold-plated spoiler and platinum rims from Discount Don’s Auto Palace in Carthage NY. The cost: $65,297.
Unfortunately for Purdue, who spent the night of December 21st in a cocaine-induced frenzy with a hooker named Chastity, the world did not in fact end as the Mayans had predicted. The young soldier awoke to a pounding headache, and learned that he had been robbed by his companion during the night.
Chastity walked out with over $6,000 in cash, as well as the keys to his new Mustang. Particularly distressing to the young man was the fact that, a week prior, he had re-enlisted in the Army for another seven years in exchange for a $15,000 bonus that he promptly squandered on a full-back tattoo of a bald eagle sodomizing a grizzly bear underneath the American flag, surrounded by the motto “Death Before Dishonor.”
As of this morning, PFC Purdue could not be reached for additional comment. His First Sergeant, Steven Brooks, said that the soldier was currently at the hospital being treated for gonorrhea and syphilis, and would also be referred to the post Judge Advocate General for failing a urinalysis.
However, he will still be deploying with his unit to Afghanistan next month.
SAN DIEGO, CA – Three Marines from Camp Pendleton have made it their mission to keep the local all-girls high school safe from suspicious activity, according to reports released today.
Inspired by a Marine Staff Sergeant who started guarding his children’s elementary school, Corporal Jack Dawn, Lance Corporal Mike Henderson and Private First Class Joseph Klien took a solemn vow to protect schoolgirls at Sacred Cross High.
The three Marines stand guard outside the school all day, watching every girl walk by to ensure their safety. They make sure their boots are unscuffed and their uniforms are creased to show as intimidating a presence as possible.
Most importantly, they maintain constant vigilance, with only a short five to ten minute break every few hours in a porta-potty they brought with them.
Cpl. Dawn instructed his Marines to talk with the girls to promote a better understanding of the student body. “The more we know each other, the more they will trust us and let us protect them,” he told The Duffel Blog.
“Hey Sarah,” he said as the captain of the field hockey team walked by. “I heard your boyfriend at Holy Dominion just got cut from the track team. He sounds like a loser. I drive a tank.”
PFC Klien showed his tattoos to the students so they could identify him in a time of crisis. “This one is St. Michael the archangel fighting a dragon,” he said, rolling up his sleeve and showing his right forearm. “It represents how I’m a warrior willing to fight for what’s right and just in the world. On my shoulder I have a heart wrapped in barbed wire. I got it because I’m a bad boy but I’m also sweet on the inside.”
LCpl Henderson took a more direct approach at opening conversations with the students. “I can buy beer,” he said as a group of students walked by. “I’m twenty two, want any alcohol?”
The Marines’ heroism has not gone unnoticed by the schoolgirls. Large groups of student admirers often surround the Marines to show their appreciation. As word spread around the community, crowds of young men gathered to watch their selfless devotion to their country.
In a related story, a pair of Marine recruiters walked into the crowd and filled their 2013 recruitment quota in minutes.
MODESTO, CA – The top Marine general has announced that he will give former Marine recruit Craig Pusley an honorary promotion to the rank of sergeant for his “outstanding and excellent service” while “singlehandedly and meritoriously” wearing a Marine uniform while standing around at a California school.
General James “Tamer” Amos, speaking to The Duffel Blog, said that Pusley deserves the honor despite questions concerning his prior service and accusations that he lied for publicity and sex, the latter of which may be prosecutable in California as “rape by fraud.”
Calling Pusley’s performance “the best thing to happen to the Marine Corps all year,” General Amos described the picture taken of Pusley as embodying the Marine Corps values of ‘honor, courage, and commitment’.
General Amos said he hopes that the rest of the Marine Corps learns a lesson from Pusley’s leadership.
“Here we have a former recruit, who couldn’t even finish boot camp, and yet he looks more squared away in his uniform than a lot of actual Marines,” said Amos.
“He’s clean-shaven, his boots are properly bloused, and he even had creases in his cammie trousers! … creases!” Amos said, marveling at the now-famous picture which is prominently displayed on the Marine Corps website, alongside a story about surviving deployment separation, when Marines are separated from their families to fight the wars Pusley may have sometimes seen on television.
Amos added that Pusley showed the kind of common sense he believes many active-duty Marines lack.
“As soon as he’s being photographed, what does he do? He doesn’t pull his dick out. He doesn’t fly a Nazi flag. He doesn’t piss on a body. He doesn’t go online and blog about how he hates the president. For a man who never sat through a single safety brief or annual training class on sensitivity, his conduct was top notch!”
“The only thing that bothered me about the picture was I didn’t see any actual Marines taking the time to stand guard there that day. I don’t know if they were overseas doing whatever, or training, or pretending to work. But I know where they weren’t … they weren’t in front of a California school getting photographed by the national press in a way to make us look unbelievably awesome.”
Amos says that he plans to have the Assistant Commandant write another Commandant’s White Letter soon, to which Amos plans to add a personalized note at the end expressing his desire that all Marines emulate Pusley’s example.
“This picture is what I want my commandancy to be remembered for,” he added.
NEW YORK, NY – Famed television personality Bill O’Reilly is in critical condition today at a New York City hospital after being wounded by gunfire in the latest battle of the War on Christmas.
O’Reilly, a political commentator of Fox News’ “The O’Reilly Factor”, also serves as Commanding General of the Christian Philosophy Brigade, which has been fighting the dark forces of the Secular Empire since 1997.
“The secularists have fought us in many battles,” O’Reilly said in one segment where he highlighted key engagements. “At every turn, we have been able to maintain our perimeter and ensure the safety of Christmas for every Christian, Jew, Muslim, and Buddhist who celebrates it.”
O’Reilly was allegedly shot by atheist machine-gun fire as he walked out of Fox studios. Although critically injured, O’Reilly, who is no stranger to combat, fired back at the hordes of secularists and anti-religious bigots with his Uzi 9mm. The Secular Empire fighters quickly disbursed and rushed to a nearby church, where they kicked over a nativity scene and exclaimed their love for Satan.
“Not only did they shoot at me,” O’Reilly later remarked, “but the bastards said Happy Holidays as they were fleeing. That was the real slap in the face.”
This latest gunfight is just another in a long history of battles. On Dec. 22, 2007, a cashier at a Kentucky Wal-Mart gave a customer back his change and said “Have a nice day” in lieu of “Merry Christmas”, causing the man to later suffer debilitating post-traumatic stress.
Another incident occurred in 2009 outside a Home Depot in Florida, where customers were forced to buy items the store called “Christmas trees”, rather than the preferred “Celebration of The Birth of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ Trees,” which O’Reilly has demanded.
Although doctors have said O’Reilly is in critical condition, they have expressed high hopes for his recovery.
“We’re very confident that Bill will recover and be able to fight on for another day,” said Dr. Robert Kleiner. “He’s been in and out of consciousness, but when he’s been awake, he’s been saying that he’s hopeful about getting Feliz Navidad banned from the radio, due to the singer replacing Merry Christmas with ‘a Marxist-Spanish phrase’.”
Note: This story was originally published in Al-Daffla Blog, a joint media venture between The Duffel Blog and Al Jazeera.
TREKH NAWA, AFGHANISTAN – The US Marine Corps has confirmed reports of a new mass-killing in Helmand province that has shocked the governments of both the United States and Afghanistan.
“We can confirm that [these killings] took place, that they involved a squad from the 3rd Battalion 9th Marine Regiment, and that an investigation is in progress,” read a coalition press release.
The incident, originally reported by an Afghan human rights group called the Taliban, started when a squad of US Marines came upon several dozen Afghan men engaged in the traditional Afghan sport of badal, consisting of launching several ceremonial mortar rounds at Combat Outpost Hanson.
According to local officials, the men had also spent the morning digging holes around the combat outpost to fill with explosives so the Marines would not suffer from any rodent infestations.
Upon seeing the Marines, the Afghans began celebratory firing in the air with their AK-47′s and several RPG’s. Due to high wind velocity, most of the rounds were accidentally blown in the direction of the Marines.
Without giving the Afghans time to explain their actions or brew a warm welcoming cup of tea, the Marines immediately went on a murderous rampage, shooting over twenty-five.
There are also hints that the Marines had a long-running dispute with the victims regarding the role of radical Islam in the governance of rural Afghanistan.
This incident, known in the U.S. military as a “blue-on-red” attack, is just the latest in a string of violent unprovoked attacks by the U.S. dating back to October 2001, following a series of plane crashes in the United States.
Concerned Afghan citizen and Pakistani resident Mullah Omar has complained that the incident underscores the lack of U.S. sensitivity to the Afghan people.
“We continue to condemn these Marines for their unprovoked murderous rampage, as well as all other members of the Crusader-Zionist occupation force and their puppet regime in Afghanistan.”
The government of Afghanistan has responded by demanding an immediate withdrawal of all U.S. forces from Afghanistan unless the U.S. pays $32 million in compensation to the government of Afghanistan, preferably in small unmarked bills.
The Pentagon has also announced it will conduct a formal investigation into the killings and may give the squad leader a formal punishment called “The Bronze Star”, which he will have to wear at all times.
Renowned American commentator and elder statesman Ramsey Clark believes that this incident has the potential to both bring down the American government and force the U.S. to disband its military.
Experts say that the incident is one of the worst examples of violence in Afghanistan since last week.
DAMASCUS, SYRIA – The government of Syria will be hosting the world’s first official Iraq War reenactment, an international event drawing in thousands of participants in time for the Iraq War’s ten-year anniversary in 2013.
“You might say the interest never really went away,” said Abu Du’a, the leader of Al Nusra Front, the world’s leading Al Qaeda in Iraq reenactment group. Dua appeared in a period costume of a track suit with an AK-47, with the black flag of Al Qaeda in Iraq behind him.
“A lot of our children are too young to remember battles like Nasiriyah or Fallujah, but hopefully we can give them the closest thing possible.”
According to Abu Du’a, the kids even get to take part in the reenactments, monitoring suspected informants and emplacing IEDs along the main roads.
“During the Iraq War a lot of kids served as valuable interpreters, scouts, even front line fighters, and we’ve had parents and kids ask to bring back that experience.”
Al Nusra Front contains a number of actual former Al Qaeda in Iraq members, many of whom described the reenactments as both educational and helping them cope with lingering post traumatic stress.
“God, we all look so young and skinny,” said member Abdullah, watching an old video of them beheading an Iraqi policeman in 2005. “It looks like I’m the only thing that’s blown up since then,” he joked.
While the war only ended one year ago today, reenactments had begun even before Victory in Iraq Day, or V-I Day as it’s popularly known in the U.S. While a number of groups in Tunisia, Libya, Egypt, and Yemen have been carrying out unofficial Iraq War reenactments since early 2011, the upcoming Syria one will be the closest and most realistic of all.
Due to geographical convenience, the event will also be bringing in reenactors from all over the Arab world and possibly some western countries.
“We were actually the first group to carry out an Iraq War reenactment,” said Lt. Abdul Razaq Tlass, commander of the Homs-based Farouq Brigade that has been carrying out reenactments since early 2012.
“We were talking with several Iraq War veterans who remarked that [Homs] is very similar to Fallujah, so we reenacted the First and Second Battles last spring. It was totally cool. The Syrian Army even sent a few brigades to pretend to be the Americans.”
According to Syrian Army commander General Maher “Mad Dog” al-Assad, playing the Americans was a natural role for many Syrian soldiers.
“We initially had a lot of trouble translating the American documents into Arabic, but we finally got a break with one that said to be polite, professional, and to kill everybody we meet, as well as to always bring artillery and ‘fucking kill them all.’”
Al-Assad said that the biggest problems in doing American military reenactments were financial.
“We spent a lot of money on gear that we never actually used because we were told it was authentic, and additionally had to bus in hundreds more reenactors to sit around our base called ‘Camp Cupcake.’ They don’t actually take part in the reenacting: they just sit around drinking coffee, taking pictures of themselves, and telling everyone else how hard reenactments are.”
Tlass said that while the first reenactments were a positive sign, much work remained to be done.
“What is with all these YouTube videos?” he complained, watching several members of his group upload a video of an attack on an army checkpoint. “YouTube wasn’t even around when the Americans invaded. You had to film your attacks, then have several couriers deliver the tape or DVD to a member of Al Jazeera. What a bunch of Farbs!”
Officials have confirmed that reenactments will be occurring all over Syria throughout 2013. Last week the Syrian Army even reenacted parts of the Gulf War, shooting SCUD missiles just north of the city of Aleppo.
Other reenactments will include the massive sectarian butchery in Baghdad, scheduled to occur in Damascus within a few months.
HEAVEN – In response to continued assertions by the Westboro Baptist Church of God’s will, our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ announced that he would be moving up his highly anticipated second coming and get his message out early.
In a press release from the Office of Public Affairs – Heaven, the Alpha and Omega indicated that he’s rather disappointed that it’s come to this.
“I was hoping to save this second coming for a proper return, with the whole rapture and all that stuff, but these Westboro people have just gone too far,” said the Lamb of God. “I mean really, what part of ‘love your neighbor as thyself’ do these nitwits not understand?”
The Lord cited numerous instances of distasteful behavior by the members of the church, including protests following tragic events and interruptions of funerals for fallen soldiers. “I was definitely getting upset with them thinking they should thank me for dead soldiers. That wasn’t me. It was usually some jihadi moron planting bombs.”
The last straw however, came when the church announced they would protest the funeral for victims killed recently at Sandy Hook Elementary School.
“I know I’m supposed to sit back and say turn the other cheek and all that good stuff like I said a while back,” said the King of Kings. “But when these guys are taking to twitter and saying children died because gay people exist, these a-holes really just need to be stopped. Pardon my Aramaic.”
“So it says that lying with another man is an abomination in the Old Testament. Well it also says you aren’t supposed to have two different kinds of material in your clothing,” said Christ in a mocking tone. “I’m pretty sure I saw these Phelps idiots wearing a cotton/polyester t-shirt combination on more than one occasion.”
“None of these jerks are out there saying their t-shirt caused the latest hurricane,” He added. “Not to mention these guys are eating shrimp and shellfish all the time. I guess we skipped Leviticus 11:10, huh?”
The Lord also believed that since the U.S. Supreme Court wasn’t able to stop “those crap-stains on the backside of humanity” as he put it, he felt it necessary to step in.
“I watched that trial. I mean, I knew how it was going to turn out and everything, but still, it was disappointing,” said the son of God. “I just think that I can come back, tell them they have to stop being jerks, and we can finally get these people out of our lives. They have to listen to me. I’m kind of a big deal.”
At press time, members of the Westboro Baptist Church have already said they plan to picket Jesus’ return.
FORT MEADE, MD – Private First Class Bradley Manning will go free after all charges against him were dropped in a stunning outcome which has shocked experts and brought an abrupt close to one of the greatest espionage trials in U.S. history.
In a series of legal maneuvers which left the prosecutor speechless with rage, PFC Manning not only had all 22 charges dropped, but his intelligence clearance was also reinstated. Manning will also be meritoriously promoted to Sergeant, and receive a $500,000 settlement from the US government.
Manning had confounded prosecutors with a series of brilliant tactics that relentlessly delayed his trial, and redirected accusations back against the U.S. government. When accused of leaking over 250,000 classified documents to a foreign national, Manning coolly rebutted that his actions were in protest against Don’t Ask Don’t Tell. When told that his behavior in Iraq was illegal, Manning retorted that it was no more illegal than the American invasion. At one point Manning began emulating Major Nidal Hasan and grew a beard.
The final straw, according to observers, was when Manning married his cellmate and sued for federal benefits and Basic Allowance for Housing. Citing ‘institutionalized bigotry’, Manning’s lawyer repeatedly filed dozens of appeals, demanding an audience with the Supreme Court and the President of the United States. Exasperated at the tremendous waste of the court’s time, the presiding judge finally threw in the towel and let the clever soldier go.
Manning, described by his attorney as “the greatest soldier since Audie Murphy”, held an impromptu press conference on the steps of the courthouse in Fort Meade to celebrate both his victory and a recent media poll showing he had higher name recognition than both Medal of Honor recipient Dakota Meyer and former general David Petraeus.
“This was the best decision I ever made,” a smiling Manning told reporters. “If I could go back, I would do it the exact same way.”
Manning has already lined up a multimillion dollar endorsement deal with a major car company and will be appearing live on stage with Lady Gaga during her upcoming tour.
When asked what his future plans were, Manning said, “I’d kind of like to run for president.”
When reporters started laughing and asked if he meant as a Republican or Democrat, Manning replied, “No, I mean president of the Moon.”
Manning then mounted his magical unicorn and rode out the front gates of Fort Meade into the Enchanted Lollipop Forest.