FORT BLISS, TX – A change of command ceremony recently ended in a disgusting and repulsive mess of semen and fecal matter, sources confirmed today.
Over two hundred soldiers were present and forced to stand in formation for several hours while multiple officers talked incessantly about how amazing they all were. What they didn’t expect was their day of extraordinary fun would end in a flurry of sodomy.
Sergeant James Prost was present when the events occurred and described the disturbing scene.
“I was standing in the third row of my company formation trying to resist the urge to slit my own throat with my Gerber during the ceremony. I hoped it’d all be over in under three hours, but around hour four I seriously was doubting that any of us would ever be leaving that building,” said Prost to reporters. “That’s when something I only joked about happening occurred.”
He began to tremble in disgust, and vomited on the ground. “Fuck man. It’s just, the fucking outgoing Battalion Commander and the incoming Battalion Commander were handing the guidon from the Command Sergeant Major to the Brigade Commander when I noticed they all had huge boners. I knew they were all really into each other but, shit, this was extreme.”
Other witnesses described a similar scene in detail.
“Once the new Battalion CO had the guidon, he handed it back to the CSM, but instead of taking it in his hands, he uh, turned around and dropped trou. Shit just got out of hand real quick,” said Specialist Ryan Lang. “The new Battalion CO was sodomizing the CSM with the spiked end of the guidon and the BC and old CO started jerking each other off. I wanted to fucking throw up and leave but I knew I couldn’t break formation.”
Witnesses report that the officers were complimenting each other on how well they’d done their jobs while they slowly stroked each other’s fully erect penises. Reports have also shown that the entire BN staff joined in the orgy, taking turns sodomizing, being sodomized, and performing fellatio on higher ranking officers. By the end of the ceremony, the entire room had disintegrated from an orderly procedure of military tradition to a near pagan ritual of self-gratification.
The orgy took a turn for the worse when the BC awarded Bronze Stars to the entire Battalion staff. Military Police were called in to contain the sexcapade to the building until the officers were spent.
Specialist Link Perry, a chemical and biological warfare soldier of the BN’s headquarters unit, was tasked with cleaning up the mess after the orgy.
“This was the most foul mess I’ve ever seen, and I worked at Taco Bell for six years. You ever heard of a Santorum? That stuff was everywhere. I threw up into my pro-mask at least twice. I had to burn my J-LIST [The Army Chemical suit]. They better not charge me for that shit, literally.”
The new and former Battalion Commanders could not be reached for comment as they were busy presenting awards to each other for “meritorious service” in the orgy that was “keeping in the finest traditions of the United States Army.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. – Days after violent riots swept Yemen and brought death and destruction on a scale that would dwarf the Syrian uprising, grainy YouTube videos and frantic phone calls have caught the watchful eye of Pentagon officials.
Initially dismissed as the ravings of khat-addled villagers, stories emerged of demonic, larger-than-life warriors laying waste to huge swathes of the countryside in a never ending thirst for blood.
The sudden spike in horrific reports from the Arabian Peninsula prompted the US Department of Defense to call a press conference. They announced that during protests at the U.S. embassy, Navy Cryptologic Technician (Interpretive) 3rd class Melvin Goldstein, who was dispatched to Yemen for liaison duties with the State Department, had gone missing.
A washout from the Nuclear Power Training Command, Goldstein’s job included translating for State Department leadership and promoting military partnerships between both nations’ diplomatic communities. It was confirmed that he went missing immediately after the demonstrations ceased.
However, intelligence sources doubted the subsequent claims of his capture by local militias.
No proof-of-life was provided, and there was no evidence of a struggle at the site of the event. This was confirmed today when Pentagon and CIA reported that an Arabic-speaking United States sailor was leading an “Army of Retribution” through the country, burning and pillaging dozens of towns in a punitive expedition. Riding captured horses, Goldstein and his force of several thousand warriors, recruited from the southern, anti-government tribes of the desert nations, dragged captured “freedom” fighters dozens of miles before executing them in full view of the villagers clustered on the walls of an enemy town.
In tactics reminiscent of Genghis Khan, those locations that resist are cleansed of their populations, while those that pay homage to Goldstein and the United States are spared, adding to the glory of his empire. Although the U.S. Navy condemns the Petty Officer’s senseless slaughter of villagers who are believed to be supporting the government, they did announce that violent attacks against State Department officials in the region have dropped by 100%.
Wielding a battle-axe stained with dried blood from hundreds of victims, Goldstein has only been photographed from afar; the pictures found on cameras retrieved from mutilated bodies recovered in the blackened remains of yet another town that had the temerity to resist the man commonly referred to by the locals as the “Scourge of God.”
Dozens of cities have fallen, with the only reminder of their existence being a large American flag planted atop pyramids of corpses and debris.
The U.S. Navy has issued formal recall orders for Goldstein but the complete destruction of what little infrastructure remained in Yemen, combined with a 75% decrease in the local population, has made it difficult to contact the warlord.
Sources now report that Goldstein’s reign of terror has culminated in a siege of Sa’ana, with the rebel leader demanding the heads of those responsible for the uprisings in the desert nation. A Marine Fleet Anti-Terrorism Security Team (FAST) deployed to the region in the wake of the attacks has remained on site to protect U.S. interests against further violence.
When the commander of the team was asked if there were any plans in the works to stop the bloodshed being wrought against the people of Yemen by Goldstein and his horde, the officer replied, “Not at this time.”
CAMP PENDLETON, CA – Military police arrested a Japanese citizen from the island of Okinawa Sunday, on suspicion of trespassing, assault, and disorderly conduct, among other charges.
This is the eighth instance of a drunken Okinawan causing trouble at the Marine Corps base just this year. There were 112 incidents recorded last year at Pendleton involving Okinawan citizens, with charges mostly stemming from drunk and disorderly conduct, speeding, trespassing, or indecent exposure.
The thirty-seven year old man has been identified as Masahiko Yoma of Naha. Military police say that Yoma was found passed out drunk inside the barracks room of Lance Corporal Phillip Ester at Camp San Mateo on the northern end of the base.
It is still not clear how he gained access to the base or made it into the barracks room.
“We’re still investigating but we can confirm a few things about this latest incident involving yet another Okinawan,” said military policeman Sergeant Brandon Ellis. “Yoma was found with a blood-alcohol level of .27, he was hostile when woken up and attempted to fight us, and he is currently being held in the brig.”
Other witnesses interviewed by Duffel Blog investigators have said they saw Yoma outside the base at local bars in San Clemente.
“I saw this drunken Okinawan at Goody’s [Tavern],” said Lance Corporal Alan Schmidt of 3rd Bn, 5th Marines. “The guy was so wasted, he stripped completely naked and started playing pool like it was no big deal.”
California Governor Jerry Brown has remarked that the latest incident is ridiculous, and he will be protesting to both the U.S. and Japanese governments to respond appropriately.
“Enough is enough. We’ve already tried to give these Okinawans a curfew and that has not worked,” said Brown in a press conference. “I think the only thing we can do at this point is to get these people out and send them to Hawaii instead.”
Police have said that Yoma will be brought up on charges in an Orange County courtroom later this week, but Japanese government officials have insisted that he be returned for trial at home.
If returned, Yoma would face punishment ranging anywhere from public flogging, forced seppuku, or a slap on the wrist.
WASHINGTON, DC – After months of high-profile deliberation, a US Navy spokesperson has confirmed that the military organization is prepared to issue a public apology to Lieutenant Junior Grade Jeffrey Hurst for wasting the first two years of his professional life.
“We obviously made a big mistake not recognizing Lieutenant Hurst’s potential sooner,” the spokesperson said in a phone interview. “He deserved much better than the assignment he got, and we all feel just awful.”
24-year-old Hurst, who graduated from Auburn University with a degree in English and commissioned through the school’s Naval ROTC program, made waves last July when he updated his Facebook status to read, “Accelerate your life my ass… this job SUX!” The post was liked by six of Hurst’s friends and received three comments, making it an unmitigated public relations disaster for the Navy.
At the time of the calamitous post, Hurst was serving aboard the frigate USS NICHOLAS as the Electrical Officer, which was reportedly not his first choice duty or even his second. The Navy has since relocated him to a holding facility for dissatisfied service members, where he is waited on hand and foot by government servants and allowed to play video games whenever he wants.
“After two years of injustice, I’m glad the Navy is finally taking me seriously,” said Hurst from a massaging recliner in his 600 sq. ft. living quarters. “The scars will remain, but let my experience be a boon to all other service members who aren’t getting exactly what they want either.”
Hurst, whose education was paid for in full by the Navy, says that despite injuries he will not hold a grudge. “I’d even consider returning to the fleet,” he said while being fed grapes, “so long as the Navy guarantees that I won’t get yelled at by another XO ever again.” Hurst’s previous Executive Officer, Lieutenant Commander Mark Parsons was relieved of duty and replaced with a teddy bear shortly after Hurst’s unhappy story broke.
The Navy’s spokesperson said the terms of Hurst’s return to service are still under consideration but reiterated the grief felt at all levels of leadership.
According to his Executive Assistant, Chief of Naval Operations Admiral Jonathan Greenert was “horrified” when word got to him that Hurst was displeased with the NICHOLAS. “As CNO, Admiral Greenert considers it his top priority to ensure that all 400,000 of the Navy’s sailors are perfectly content at all times,” says the EA. “Without question, he considers the LTJG Hurst incident a great personal failure.”
Admiral Greenert himself declined to comment, or at least couldn’t because he was too choked up over the whole ordeal. Since the Hurst controversy began, there have been increasing calls in the press for Greenert to step down as the Navy’s top officer, and President Obama is rumored to have considered asking the Admiral for his resignation.
Hurst’s parents, from their home in Columbus, Ohio, say they will reject any apology the Navy offers. “Too little, too late,” says Jeb Hurst, 54, who was also a naval officer but remembers having a “pretty good” time. “Our son is a very special boy, and we raised him to know his worth. Thank goodness I’m a Christian man, or I’d give the Navy a good piece of my mind.”
Suzanne Hurst, 53, wants nothing more to do with the sea-going service. “Enough pain,” she says. “It’s time to turn the page on this dark chapter. Time for my Jeffery to finally take a job suitable for a boy of his talents, like astronaut or state senator.”
The Navy will issue its apology to Hurst in a press conference next Wednesday.
At press time, hundreds more in the service had stepped forward with allegations of squandered potential and befallen expectations.
SWAINSBORO, GA – Friends and relatives praised PFC Brian Malloy today for his commitment to fight for America’s freedoms, apparently unaware that he himself has given up those same freedoms, report sources from a recent family barbecue.
Malloy, a 19-year-old paratrooper assigned to the 82nd Airborne Division at Ft. Bragg, drove to his hometown last weekend. The occasion marked the first time Malloy had seen most of his family since enlisting, and he was greeted with enthusiasm and well-wishes.
“Thank you for your service,” maternal uncle and tire salesman Mike Riggins said while vigorously shaking Malloy’s hand.
“You make me so proud there are still good Americans out there, but you wouldn’t know it if you looked at that asshole Obama,” Riggins added, communicating an opinion about the Commander in Chief that Malloy was expressly forbidden from agreeing with in any way.
Since enlisting, Malloy has lost six of the ten inalienable freedoms listed in the Bill of Rights, according to a report from Brown University historian and Constitutional scholar Todd Zeitbart.
“The Founding Fathers decided that the Bill of Rights constituted the absolute minimum amount of liberty a citizen could expect his government to afford him,” Zeitbart said. “You know, unless you’re in the military.”
Last June, Malloy was punished under Article 15 of the Uniform Code of Military Justice for calling his First Sergeant an “asshole,” unaware of the First Sergeant’s presence behind him.
That was a violation of Malloy’s First Amendment rights, Zeitbart said.
“There are limitations to free speech,” Zeitbart explained, “but I met Malloy’s First Sergeant, and the guy is a grade-A asshole. I can say that. I’m not in the military.”
Since he has joined the army, Malloy has been:
- Prevented from carrying or transporting his legally owned handgun on base
- Stopped by MPs for going one mile over the speed limit and administered a sobriety test
- Forced to crawl on his hands and knees and blow dust bunnies out of the corners because he failed to make his rack correctly in Basic Training
- Denied travel pay he was entitled to due to a clerical error, and subsequently denied a chance to challenge the administrative office’s ruling through legal channels
By Zeitbart’s estimate, those and other incidents have been violations of Malloy’s First, Second, Fourth, Sixth, Seventh, and Eighth Amendment rights.
Not everyone agrees with Zeitbart’s interpretation of the Constitution.
“It’s the military, not a country club,” said Air Force SrA Clifford Gainesville upon hearing of Malloy’s story. “Oh boo hoo, you can’t go around doing shit you like. Stop being a whiny bitch and be a man.”
Gainesville then asked the maid in his hotel room to use hypoallergenic pillow cases when making the bed.
For his part, Malloy doesn’t seemed fazed by his lack of basic liberties.
“I kind of knew it would be tough in the Army so I guess it don’t bother me none,” Malloy said. “I just wish they’d switch up that part in the Constitution about sodomy and adultery.”
“Some guy in the barracks told me that BJs are considered sodomy,” Malloy added, “so now every time I’m with [sometime girlfriend and another man's wife] Kendra, I keep thinking MPs are gonna bust in and take me to jail.”
After the barbecue, Malloy is scheduled to pick up trash on base, punishment for having posted a Ron Paul bumper sticker on the wall locker in his barracks room.
Editor’s Note: This story originally indicated that PFC Malloy was assigned to the 101st Air Assault Division, rather than the 82nd Airborne. We regret the implication that the soldier in question was not a member of a unit with leadership currently under indictment for sexual misconduct that would make the Marquis de Sade blush, not to mention a brigade-wide gay porn ring uncovered in the last ten years. We apologize to PFC Malloy, as well as the 101st for associating them with Ft. Bragg.
We would further like to congratulate the 82nd for the 70th Anniversary of its last jump into a contested Drop Zone, which they will celebrate next year, and strongly reject the move by some commenters to mock the 82nd with the fake motto “Death From a Bus.” Such childish taunts have no place on the pages of The Duffel Blog.
KHANASHIN DISCTRICT, AFGHANISTAN – An investigation led by indigenous and coalition forces revealed late last night that up to 95% of Afghan Border Patrol (ABP) are completely incompetent and oblivious to any actual conflict in Afghanistan. Marines working hand in hand with the ABP cited gross acts of incompetence, such as “wandering home and not returning, arriving to post under the influence of hashish, not wearing uniforms, and in general simply not giving a shit,” according to the report.
Reporters from The Duffel Blog confirmed the allegations flooding across desks in the Regimental Office that in fact very few, if any of the military’s Afghan counterparts are contributing to the struggle for peace and stability in the region.
“It just seems to me that these [ABP] aren’t even attentive enough to distinguish us from the Taliban,” said Sergeant Major Barrett, the current Sergeant Major of the Marine Corps. “It just confounds us up here at the top that we make the ANSF [Afghan National Security Forces] check boxes in training just like our boys do at home, but they have no concept of who we even are or why we’re here.”
The 318-page report highlights numerous and specific instances of misbehavior and negligence among the Afghan ranks. At Combat Outpost (COP) Taghaz in southern Helmand Province, the claims became even more sobering.
In one instance, the ABP collapsed the roof of their sleeping quarters and burned down their kitchen in the same week. Marines watched the frantic, ant-like efforts to save the small HESCO and plywood shack that served as the “Khandak” kitchen. Unknown to the Patrolmen, Marines had been standing by for quite some time with fire extinguishers, bulk water, and e-tools to help extinguish the inferno, but were unable to step in until nothing remained but smoldering rubble.
Once the ABP meandered back to their hooches, the platoon sergeant ordered the Marines returning from patrol in the sweltering heat to police call the remnants.
“I have no idea where the leftovers of our kitchen went during the night. Once the building burnt down I went to my post, fell asleep, and when I awoke it was all gone, as if it never happened at all,” explained Mohommad Sadik, a confused Sergeant.
During a week-long operation interdicting Taliban weapons trafficking from Pakistan into Garmsir, Marines reported the highest levels of frustration.
“So there we were,” recounted First Lieutenant Henderson incredulously, “in the 140 degree heat along the Helmand River when four ‘Danger Rangers’ show up filled with ABP. At first we were naïve enough to think they actually were here to help us, but then they stripped half naked, stole a dozen watermelons from local farmers, and jumped into the river for a swim!”
Oblivious to shouts from Marines that the Taliban were coming, “those guys just kept at it… until a PKM from the other side of the river stitched them all in the chest. They never even put up a fight.”
“Good riddance,” Henderson added.
At press time, TDB investigators were looking into a follow-on study suggesting that up to 65% of Afghan National Army (ANA) are unaware of the Taliban or the War on Terror.
WASHINGTON, DC – The Pentagon has confirmed its study into the possibility of allowing the handicapped, teenagers, the elderly, foreign nationals, and others the same rights to military service as everyone else in the world.
“This is where we have been heading as a department for more than ten years,” Defense Secretary Leon Panetta told reporters. “This will take some time, but it will happen. Not everyone is going to be a soldier, but everyone, no matter what their circumstances, is entitled to a chance.”
Panetta stressed that opening up opportunities in the military would not compromise military readiness or war-fighting capabilities, and believes it would actually make the force stronger.
Many other groups with little military experience or vested interest agree.
Handicapped Americans National today filed suit against the Pentagon to let wheelchair-bound recruits serve in infantry units, and a group named Blind But Not Broken has pressed for Braille heads-up-displays (HUD) to be installed in all F-22 fighter jets.
The Pentagon has already loosened age and nationality restrictions on potential service-members, granting an exception which military recruiters have repeatedly pushed for.
“These so-called qualifications really degrade the force and limit equal opportunity across the military,” said Sergeant Ernest Davis, a Marine recruiter in San Diego who recently received a prestigious award called a non-punitive letter of caution for consistently missing quota.
“It’s all really a matter of fairness,” said Panetta to reporters, in agreement with the two groups. “There will certainly be some accommodations that need to be made, but I’m confident we can make this work.”
“Let’s face it, we now have women on submarines and in fighter planes. Soon they’ll be infantry. But if we want real equality across our military, we need to stop injustices affecting the least fortunate among us and give everyone a shot.”
Along with hundreds of thousands of women already signing up for infantry training, wheelchair-bound recruits have been rolling into local recruiting stations, although no decision on their fate has been finalized.
“Let me be clear: the standards are not going to change. That’s not what we’re proposing here. But if this goes through, then of course we will notify the Taliban, and have them install wheelchair-accessible pressure plate IEDs, in accordance with the Americans with Disabilities Act,” Panetta added.
WASHINGTON, D.C. – A newly released study conducted by Congress has proven once and for all that the pen is not mightier than the sword. Over a year long period, Special Operation Forces (SOF) serving in Afghanistan were outfitted with pens as their primary weapon of engagement, instead of the standard M-4 assault rifle.
The $387 billion study was the brainchild of Senator Dianne Feinstein (D-Calif.), a member of the U.S. Senate Appropriations Subcommittee on Defense.
“Military spending has spiraled out of control,” Sen. Feinstein explained to Duffel Blog reporters. “Since the pen is mightier than the sword, as the saying goes, why not equip the military with inexpensive pens? When deciding on the cost of weapons used by soldiers to defend their lives, we must keep the taxpayers welfare in mind.”
“Not only that — no one needs a military-style, semi-automatic assault rifle to hunt Taliban,” she added.
A small number of Army Special Forces and Navy SEAL teams, operating in the most hazardous areas of Afghanistan, were hand selected for the study due to their expertise in using exotic weapons.
The study initially garnered promising results.
“One positive I discovered early on was I could hide the pen in my beard,” said Mike, an Army Special Forces soldier who asked only to be identified by his first name. “I usually had five or six hidden in there. It’s not the first time my beard saved my life.”
Complaints began to surface when it was discovered military procurement officers supplied the SOF teams with equipment from the lowest contract bidder.
“We were issued worthless, plastic Bic pens” said Jake, a Navy SEAL. “We ended up dipping into our pockets and springing for Cross pens. The sturdier material allowed us to stab the carotid artery, killing an enemy outright. Usually, it resulted in a pissed off Afghan with a pen sticking out of his neck.”
The study has been deemed inconclusive due to the small number of surviving participants. Of the forty-five SOF members, only two remained to provide sufficient feedback to researchers.
Even though many have considered the study a failure, the bravery of the SOF members was unquestioned. Three bronze stars for valor (posthumous), five silver stars (posthumous), and ten distinguished service crosses (posthumous) were awarded during the year long study. Twenty-five Medals of Honor are expected to be awarded, posthumously, to family members in the coming months.
Despite the losses, Senator Feinstein remains steadfast in her pursuit of curbing military spending.
“A soldier in the Marines once told me they can do more with less. That’s the attitude the entire military should adopt. In a time where taxpayers are suffering from these outrageous military budgets, we must all make sacrifices.”
Sen. Feinstein declined further questions clarifying where budget cuts would be made, citing a need to vote on a bill approving Congressional pay raises for the next fiscal year. Pentagon planners are also considering issuing swords to combat troops as their weapon of choice.
The following report is from David Brooks, who is embedded with French troops on the front lines in Mali.
NIONI, MALI — It’s the morning of January 20th, and I am awoken to cries of “Nous nous rendons! Nous nous rendons!” (We surrender! We surrender!) Elements of the French 27th Mountain Infantry Brigade are attempting to surrender to a local shepherd.
“At first, I was scared because I see these soldiers running toward me with their weapons,” confesses Seyba Mikito, the 10-year-old shepherd the soldiers attempted to surrender to. “But then they threw their weapons at my feet and started kissing my face.”
Life is difficult for the soldiers of the 27th. Without bread, cheese and wine, the soldiers are beginning to become anxious.
“I joined the Army for the same reason anyone does,” begins sergeant Henri Martin. “I wanted a steady paycheck and the chance to look cool in my beret while smoking cigarettes. I never thought I’d end up stuck in some shithole for this long [10 days]. Nique sa mère.”
The French Defense Minister Jean-Yves Le Drian explained the situation to me on a satellite call. “Look, the plan was that if we put troops on the ground the Americans would get involved and then we could just leave. I mean they’d already sent in advisors, so we thought that was a good sign by past experience.”
“Two days after they arrived they tried to surrender to our forces,” admits le chef d’état-major of the Malian Army Ibrahim Dembele. “I told them that it was impossible to surrender to an ally, and they stomped off mumbling something about “Le Deuxieme Guerre Mondiale” and “Vichy.”
Meanwhile, Capitaine Albert de Castries, company commander of the 1st Combat Company, expressed his frustration.
“If we could just find the enemy we could surrender and get the fuck out of here, but we have the fucking Legionnaires running around the country killing insurgents and pushing the enemy further into the countryside. How are we supposed to surrender if there’s no one to surrender too?”
I ran into a company of the legionnaires after an intense firefight with insurgents in the Malian city of Diabali. I asked a platoon sergeant if he experienced the same hardships being away from France.
“Couldn’t tell you friend. I’m an American. Straight from Texas. I just got tired of killing Arabs and figured I’d give Africa a shot. Ha, that’s a double entendre there buddy. There ain’t a single French soldier in the company. There were two, but they tried to surrender so we killed them.”
The French, like the Americans, have been sure to not let war distract them from more important issues such as gay marriage and the departure of famous French actor Gérard Depardieu for Russia. On January 13th, 800,000 French citizens showed up in Paris to voice their opposition to gay marriage. Said one protestor about the conflict in Mali, “We shouldn’t be intruding in other people’s affairs. Oh, and no gay marriage!”
And as the sun sets on another day in Mali, Sergeant Martin looks wistfully to the future. “It’s been my dream since I was a little boy in Nice to one day join the Army and surrender to a foreign force — like my father at Dien Bien Phu, and my grandfather to the German tank that drove into our garden.”
LONDON, UK – January’s academy award nominations included many surprises, though none bigger than the out-of-left-field nomination for Best Supporting Actor. Ricky Sekhon was nominated for his work playing wanted terrorist Osama bin Laden in the movie Zero Dark Thirty.
While other actors, such as Daniel Day Lewis and Shia Labeouf, are well known for their extreme method acting, novice Sekhon took it to a new level: getting in touch with his inner-terrorist by founding an active al Qaeda cell and blowing up a bus station in Pakistan.
“In hindsight it was a stroke of genius,” Sekhon told The Duffel Blog from his cell in Guantanamo Bay. ”So many terrorists you see on camera are one-dimensional cardboard cutouts, and I just didn’t want that to be me.”
Ironically Sekhon, a 29-year-old Sikh, said he knew almost nothing about radical Islam or terrorism before taking his role. ”The casting call just said ‘Six foot plus, swarthy complexion, bearded. Individuals frequently stopped at airports will receive preference.’”
To prepare for the role, Sekhon flew to Karachi, Pakistan. There, he quickly met a group of actual Al Qaeda terrorists who kidnapped him straight out of passport control. While they initially planned on cutting his throat for being an apostate Sikh, in between beatings Sekhon gradually persuaded them to help him prepare for the role.
The very next day he produced his first video, declaring the formation of the Second Unit Martyrs Battalion of Sound Stage 5.
According to Sekhon, playing a terrorist mastermind was nowhere near what he expected.
“In the movies these guys all have supermodels for henchmen, nuclear devices, secret mountain-top lairs, but it’s all bullshit. You know what I spent all my time doing? Raising money and sitting through meetings.”
He pantomimed talking on the phone: “Hello, is this Major General Qassim Suleimani? I have an exciting once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to blow up an Israeli embassy and all it will cost you is [click] … hello? hello?” He then grumbled, “Every. . .damn. . .day.”
Finally, after two months Sekhon decided he had to commit an actual terrorist act, both to establish some “street cred” with his men, and because Kathryn Bigelow was anxious to start shooting.
“They told me, ‘No no no, that’s not how it works!’ You just go out and make a video of yourself firing a machine gun and then we edit it to make you look like a super badass.’ I think I can see why so many of these guys look pissed off in their videos.”
Under the advice from studio lawyers, the Second Unit Martyrs Battalion decided to downgrade their planned attack on the Aiwan-e-Sadr presidential palace to an attack on a bus stop on Dr. Daud Pota Road at 3am on a Sunday.
While the attack ultimately caused superficial damage and no injuries, Sekhon was targeted shortly thereafter by US Special Forces who incorrectly believed he was Al Qaeda’s new second-in-command.
“That scene where the SEALs come into the room and shoot me? That was real, those were real bullets, I’m really getting shot,” Sekhon said, proudly displaying several scars on his chest.
Sekhon is already working on his next project, “Escape from Guantanamo Bay.”
QUANTICO, VA – The Commandant of the Marine Corps released an administrative message yesterday, indicating that all Marines would be required to wear service uniforms at all times, effective immediately.
Marines in cold weather climates are required to wear the Service ‘B’ uniform, known as “Bravos,” which include the long-sleeve khaki shirt with a tie and green trousers. The Service ‘C’ uniform, known as “Charlies,” consisting of short-sleeve khaki shirt with trousers, will be required in warmer locales.
Sergeant Major of the Marine Corps Michael Barrett spoke for the Commandant about the decision.
“We have several good reasons for this. First, we have noticed a lot of portly Marines hiding those love handles under their utilities. That will no longer be acceptable,” said Barrett to reporters. “Lance Corporal Muffin Top had better get his ass to the gym most pronto or he will be found out by his Gunny.”
Barrett also expressed enthusiasm about the Marine Corps getting away from its detour into warfighting for over a decade in Iraq and Afghanistan, and getting back to its roots as “a spiffy uniform-wearing expeditionary force.”
“Next year we will be out of Afghanistan. We need to keep our Marines sharp and shift our focus away from killing and combat that Marines were forced to do,” said Barrett, “and focus on the tedious garrison bull shit Marine NCOs do best. Phrases like ‘square that gig line’ and ‘trim that moostash’ and ‘what the hell did you shine those shoes with, a Hershey bar?’ will be put back into the Marine NCO’s tool box.”
“Finally, I am sick and tired of seeing Marines in utilities at Hooters of Friday afternoon. Wearing service uniforms will give our young Marines their best shot at hooking up for a weekend. Without combat to help the average Marine blow off steam we want our men and women to have their best chance to get some every weekend. That way they are less likely to be hanging out in the barracks doing gay crap during the week.”
Other senior enlisted leaders were excited about the message.
“By God it’s going to be great to be in the Marine Corps again,” said one Gunnery Sergeant, who’s been with Quantico’s Manpower branch for the past eight years.
Marines currently deployed to Afghanistan have already expressed disappointment with the decision, with many saying that the wearing of shirt stays hinders their movement during combat patrols.
FORT MEADE, MD – Sergeant Major Billie Fulbright, a 28-year veteran of the United States Army, assures personnel at the base that he “really want[s] to deploy” in the near future.
Despite serving in the military during a time that saw combat operations in Panama, Somalia, Kuwait, Iraq, and Afghanistan, the SGM has yet to find the opportunity to deploy into a combat zone.
“The timing has really never worked out,” SGM Fulbright told The Duffel Blog. “I was in the 82nd [Airborne Division] during Operation Just Cause, but I never got the chance to go to Panama because I had gout and was non-deployable. That effing [sic] killed me. There’s nothing an 11 Bravo [infantryman] wants more than to face the enemy in close-quarters combat and triumph in battle for the sake of American interests abroad.”
“The Persian Gulf War was another shitty deal,” Fulbright continued. “I was going through the pre-deployment screening and it turned out I had a pre-existing thyroid condition that needed treatment. It’s rough for a squad leader to send his soldiers down-range and not be able to go with them, but my men received three bronze stars and two purple hearts, so my training in garrison must have done them some good.”
“I was in Korea during that whole thing in Somalia,” Fulbright added, “but I told my company commander that I really wanted to go where the fight was. There were positions available in Bosnia for staff sergeants at the time, but I’m not into that POG shit; I wanted to go to the big show. Unfortunately, the opportunity never presented itself.”
Regarding the current Global War on Terror, SGM Fulbright has especially choice words for Army leadership.
“Once shit popped off in Afghanistan and Iraq, I really wanted to do my part in the fight. On September 11th, I was in a TDA unit and not in the pool of deployable soldiers. No matter what I tried to do to deploy, they kept rejecting me. Yeah, I’m great at training soldiers to find, fix, and destroy the enemy, but I would appreciate the opportunity to do it myself in a real-world setting. I guess I’m more valuable to the ‘top brass’ in a training position rather than a leadership position in an MTOE unit. That’s the only reason I can think of that I was stuck as an [initial entry training] first sergeant and sergeant major for almost eight years.”
Fellow soldiers at Fort Meade understand SGM Fulbright’s difficulties. LTC John Ambrose, the garrison executive officer, told TDB via e-mail, “This is seriously some bullshit. I’ve been trying to deploy for eight or nine years, but kept getting denied the opportunity because I was a recruiting company commander for two years, then I did training with industry for a year, then I got my master’s degree, then I was a congressional aide. Why doesn’t the Army figure out a way for us to broaden our horizons and still kill the Taliban without it adversely affecting our career?”
FORT EUSTIS, VA – A former U.S. Training and Doctrine Command (TRADOC) soldier was surprised to find the Army has evolved much in the last twelve years. After immediately requesting a transfer to TRADOC on September 12, 2001 and spending over a decade instructing in numerous Army schools, he decided it was time for much needed change.
“Something was missing from my life,” said Sergeant First Class Will Travis. “Even though I had the most important job in the military, training those who fight, I knew it was finally time to deploy overseas when I was passed over for promotion.”
SFC Travis was eager to reintegrate into the Army after being out for so long. He was assigned as the scout/sniper section platoon sergeant with HHC 1-160th Infantry Battalion.
“I knew I would immediately earn my soldiers respect due to my extensive teaching experience,” said SFC Travis. “The platoon even welcomed me with a heartfelt nickname — Sergeant Va-Jay-Jay. Whatever that means.”
The excitement soon wore off when Travis discovered everything he knew about the Army was wrong. Upon showing up to formation for his first field exercise wearing a LBE (load bearing equipment), woodland kevlar helmet, and wielding a M-16A2, Travis knew he had much to learn.
“The terminology and equipment was so foreign to me,” said Travis. “I was confused when told we were taking plate carriers to Afghanistan. Do they not have food trays in the dining facility over there?”
Luckily, SFC Travis found a mentor and only friend in his new platoon leader, 2nd Lieutenant Mark Ching. The young officer, a 2011 Cal State Fullerton ROTC graduate, took pity on his platoon sergeant.
“You have to feel for the guy,” said 2LT Ching. “I know how difficult it is to be thrown into a leadership position with having no creditable military experience.”
The two quickly bonded during the long hours Lieutenant Ching taught Travis how to properly clean a weapon, turn on a radio, and read a map.
However, within days of deploying to Afghanistan, Travis had a change of heart.
“I went back to TRADOC,” Travis admitted. “I’m happy being surrounded by E-7 and E-8 slick sleeves. Granted, some soldiers have deployed and hate being here, but we’re a happy family regardless.”
In a moment of self reflection, Travis told the Duffel Blog he would leave the military three years shy of retirement.
“I honestly love the Army,” Travis said. “But not this Army. It makes no sense and quite frankly scares me. I was trained to fight a standing military using tactics and equipment from the 90′s. I don’t belong here. I really, really don’t.”
FT LEONARD WOOD, MO - A soldier with the 318th Military Police Company is being processed out of the Army after being found by his Sergeant Major as having “his goddamn hands in his pockets,” according to his discharge paperwork.
According to his unit, Sergeant Thomas Burnette is pending separation for failing to maintain the Army’s standards. His separation comes at a time when the Army is cracking down on maintaining a “soldierly” appearance.
The guidelines of soldierly appearance are not entirely clear, but in a memo penned by Command Sergeant Major of the Army Raymond Chandler, the top enlisted leader pushed for non-commissioned officers Army-wide to crack down on “soldiers looking like bags of smashed assholes.”
Command Sergeant Major Harold Bond, CSM of the 625th Military Police Battalion, was the driving force behind Burnette’s general discharge.
“I was driving on to post one morning and as I pulled up to the check point, I noticed SGT Burnette standing there with his hands in his pockets. I’ve never seen such an ate up sack of shit in my life. It was only 15 degrees outside, it’s not like it was that cold,” said Bond in an interview with The Duffel Blog. “I was in Korea when it was negative two and I didn’t even THINK about putting my hands in my pockets! It’s this lack of attention to detail and failure to take pride in presenting a soldierly appearance that gets troops killed everyday.”
CSM Bond continued: “I knew then that I had to make sure this soup-sandwich was gone. Hell, I even heard a rumor he walked around with his sunglasses on his head and his PT socks were below his ankles. What kind of NCO just fails his troops so catastrophically? If he got deployed he’d probably get his whole FOB killed.”
Despite being forced out of service, Burnette agreed with the Sergeant Major’s assessment.
“You know, the Sergeant Major is right. I guess after two deployments to Iraq and one to Afghanistan I’ve just started to lose my edge. I’ll just hope that McDonald’s will be willing to hire a Bronze Star with Valor holder. Maybe I’ll be able to stick to the uniform regulations there.”
“After over thirty years of senseless violence, I think it’s time we say no to big guns and the firearms industry that promotes them,” a tearful and visibly-tired Karzai told a crowd of Afghan legislators at the presidential palace in Kabul.
Under the new government-approved policy, no one will be allowed to carry any type of firearm or ranged weapon in Afghanistan. Swords and knives are still permissible, as long as the owner possesses a Class-III license available at most government offices.
There were concerns that many residents in this nation of firearms enthusiasts, widely described as “the freest people in the world”, would ignore the edict. This is a country where guns outnumber people 14:1 and actually have more civil rights than them. Many people proudly sport jalabiyas bearing the slogan “Live free or die”. Last year a DShK heavy machine gun was elected to parliament. And the national motto can be roughly translated as ‘A man should purchase a gun instead of a wife, because at least if someone looks at his gun he won’t have to take it out back and crush it with a heavy rock’.
Several gun collection centers have been set up around the country under the leadership of female Afghan General Khatol Mohammad Zai, prompting a group of elderly mujahideen to release a statment saying: “I am a mujahideen veteran of 30 years, and I will not have some woman who proclaims the evil of an inanimate object, yet carries one, tell me I may not have one.”
However following the announcement, many citizens rushed to turn in the millions of pistols, shotguns, rifles, belt-fed machine guns, rocket-propelled grenades, and anti-aircraft weaponry possessed by their families for generations.
“We’re losing such a valuable part of our national identity,” sobbed farmer Haji Hayatullah as he drove his 438 firearms to the police station in the family tank. “My AK-47 has over thirty notches for every man it’s killed, and seventy half-notches for each woman and child.”
Initially there was some hope that the edict would not affect the 130,000 ISAF/NATO soldiers serving throughout the country because the edict only affects men and women. Under the Afghan constitution, ISAF soldiers are not considered human.
However ISAF spokesman Major Kimberly Ash said the International Security Assistance Force would also comply with the law and that all future patrols would be limited to bayonets and sharp pointed sticks.
Surprisingly, Karzai’s decision has also been praised by his opponents in the Taliban.
“Under Islamic traditions, firearms are considered bid’ah, or innovations,” said Taliban spiritual leader Mullah Omar. “The Holy Prophet, peace be upon him, never used a Soviet SKS semi-automatic rifle, a pressure plate IED, or a 107-millimeter rocket.”
Mullah Omar added, “We are pleased that the infidel puppet Karzai has recognized this and we look forward to riding up to his palace on horseback and beheading him with a proper Islamic sword.”
ANNAPOLIS, MD - Tragedy struck the US Naval Academy yesterday after the champion of the Academy swim team was found dead in a five-gallon bucket of water.
Midshipman Jamie Freeman, 22, was unresponsive after being found by other students. While foul play has not been ruled out, medical examiners have determined drowning to be the cause of death, with all signs so far pointing to accidental death.
Local Military Police (MP) took over the crime scene, aided by students of the Naval Academy’s Psychology of Crime and Logic And Critical Thinking classes. The investigation was soon being handled with the insatiable passion and vigor of the inexperienced.
“Well obviously,” said one aspiring MP Officer, “due to a lack of defensive wounds, we can’t rule out that this was Freeman’s intent. We’ve been sifting through this bucket like a fine-toothed comb looking for human tears, which would indicate a state of depression before his possible suicide.”
“This is no doubt one of the most tragic deaths our academy has suffered,” said Annapolis Superintendent Vice Admiral Michael Miller. “But it also goes to show that we have rules and regulations, such as the battle buddy rule, for good reason. Just because our midshipmen are in school, switching twice daily between advanced buoyancy education and doing keg stands, doesn’t mean they can just walk around doing things without peer supervision. [Freeman] would have known that if he listened to the brief given by the Coalition Of Sailors Against Destructive Decisions (CSADD).”
Other embarrasing questions arose upon learning that Midshipman Freeman had hoped to eventually receive training to be a Navy Rescue Swimmer. Midshipman Anna Li weighed in, flaunting her critical thinking skills and Academy knowledge.
“Jamie was a star of the swim team and member of the Navigators. All his spare time was spent practicing for all the advanced classes he may need to do once he got accepted into rescue swimmer courses,” said Li. “If he was having trouble in the bucket, couldn’t he just navigate his way out of the water and save himself? It doesn’t add up.”
The incident has spurred a water sports warning pamphlet to be stocked at the US Naval Academy’s Center For Teaching And Learning, which until recently had been under consideration for re-designation as a broom closet.
The brochure style pamphlet warns readers of the hidden dangers of water, and students are advised to avoid all contact with liquid whenenever possible, including showers and drinking fountains, to reduce a variety of incidents plaguing the school, such as death or unmanageable, frizzy hair.
While many mourn Freeman’s death, Annapolis instructor Gary Vederhoff was less than sympathetic. “The worst part is that he hadn’t even put on the blue NWUs yet. I think we need to be honest with ourselves here. If we’re training naval officers here, we should expect more of them. If Freeman couldn’t handle staying alive in a bucket, I think the ocean would have claimed his dainty little life as soon as he stepped foot on the deck of a ship. Maybe sooner.”
Midshipman Freeman is survived by his parents, two younger sisters and the love of his life, Marine Lance Corporal Tina Lowry. The couple had been dating for nine months.
KANDAHAR, AFGHANISTAN – Vatican officials are denouncing a U.S. Army soldier today after learning that the deployed service-member ate a “miraculous and holy MRE poundcake,” according to a witness statements.
Miracles happen everyday throughout the military, from having a bullet miss by inches to a roadside bomb failing to detonate. For Specialist Tom Moore, it meant finding a divine piece of lemon poppyseed poundcake.
While field stripping his MRE’s prior to a week long operation, the 24 year-old infantryman and devout Catholic decided to snack on a poundcake. Upon opening it, he found the most accurate depiction of the Virgin Mary ever to be discovered.
He posted the image to Facebook before stuffing the poundcake inside his rucksack as a good luck charm.
“It went viral,” Moore said. “I had no idea, but by the third day, I had over a million likes. I later found an email sent from the Vatican asking me to keep it safe so it could receive canonical approval upon my return.”
Unfortunately, “Mary’s Poundcake,” was the sole casualty of the operation. After air assaulting an Afghan village, supplies began to run low. Poor weather and constant enemy attacks prevented resupply.
“If I knew what it was, I wouldn’t have eaten it,” said Private Jeremy Jacobs, 18. “My team leader, Specialist Moore, told me to grab some chow from his ruck and it was the first thing I saw.”
Before consuming it, Jacobs was heard saying, “Dude, there’s some chick on this.”
Agony turned to anger when millions of Catholics, who made a pilgrimage to Vatican City to await the poundcake’s return, received the news. Many protestors wondered how Jacobs could live with himself after crushing the hopes of so many.
“I honestly was devastated,” said Jacobs. “It really was a ‘holy shit’ moment for me, especially since the peanut butter clogged me up for three days.”
Specialist Moore has defended his soldier against calls for UCMJ action. “Besides there being no legal recourse to charge him, it was a honest mistake. As I see it, it was God’s plan to provide nourishment to a starving soldier.”
Private Jacobs has followed his team leader in trying to find the good within a tragic mistake. He has even found humor in the whole episode.
“If you think about it, it’s actually kind of funny,” Jacobs said. “I usually only piss off some girl’s parents when I get caught eating a virgin.”
BURBANK, CA — A recent taping of the Price is Right ended abruptly when Marine Lance Corporal Evan Boger drunkenly crashed a car on set causing over $100,000 in damages. Police responded to the scene, charging Boger with driving under the influence, and Corporal Ernesto Arvayo with misdemeanor sexual battery in an incident involving one of the show’s models.
The Marines were part of a group from the Single Marine Program of 3rd Battalion, 1st Marines. According to the SMP Coordinator Janet Liscombe, “SMP provides Marines living in the barracks with safe and fun alcohol-free events. I am just stunned that the Marines involved would not only drink during this event but also become heavily intoxicated.”
According to Marines participating in the trip, the drinking began before the buses arrived. “Hell yeah, we were drinking,” confessed Lance Corporal John Hogens. “We had a mandatory accountability formation at 0600. I have to drink just to get through the day.”
Things turned sour quickly when Cpl Arvayo was called to contestants row. “That shit was hilarious,” laughed LCpl Hogens. “Fucker could barely stand let alone walk down the aisle. Then he keeps yelling one dollar on every bid with that shit-eating grin on his face.”
However, when bidding on a set of his and her trampolines, Arvayo yelled out, “Seven Six Oh for all my homies back in the bricks.” The wager ended up being a perfect bid.
“I see him stumbling up the stairs,” recounts host Drew Carey, “and I’m handing him the $500 for the perfect bid when he shouts at me, ‘Thanks holmes! This is gonna go far on some bitches and beer down at the purple church.’”
The purple church, located in San Diego, is a non-denominational congregation of Khlysty ministry, nudism, and heavy drinking.
It was during the prize game that things would begin to unravel. Model Tiffany Jones drove up in brand new Dodge Charger as the prize for the dice game. “I’d been sippin’ on that DJ Blanco, and I got that hot hand, right?” recounted Arvayo. “Then I was like get it, get it, get it,” he said shaking his fist.
Cpl Arvayo would throw an unprecedented three sixes and a one to win the car outright. Immediately, members of Arvayo’s fire team rushed the stage to congratulate him. Arvayo’s actions, however, would result in the misdemeanor charge brought against him.
“So I make my way around the car and there’s this model staring right at me, cabrón,” explained Arvayo. “She winks at me and tells me congratulations. Well, I throw my arm around her waist all suave and ask her if she’s a hole in one or two kinda chica.”
Subsequent video replays show Arvayo’s hand full-on model Erica Jones’ buttocks.
“That model obviously wasn’t feeling Cpl Arvayo, so he circled his arm and yelled out, ‘Let’s leave before these pendejos change their mind,’” said LCpl Boger. “Cpl Arvayo asked who was good to drive, and I told him I hadn’t drank in an hour. So, he told me ‘vámanos you fucking boot.’”
LCpl Boger would crash into the dice table before quickly backing up through the showcase doors into a recreational vehicle. His blood alcohol content registered .15.
“I’ve got a lawyer out in town, so I’m pretty sure I’m getting off,” asserted LCpl Boger. “I mean they left the keys behind the visor — that means they have some sort of liability.”
Cpl Arvayo agrees. “My boy in the barracks who knows all about this shit says I have nothing to worry about. That puta was winking at me and telling me good job with her titties hanging out, and then she wants to act surprised that I grabbed her culo? Yeah fucking right.”
Cpl Arvayo is currently petitioning the Price is Right for ownership of the his or her trampolines.
FORT CARSON, CO – Command Sergeant Major Allen Gibson of the 24th Air-to-Air Combat Drone Squadron, upon inspecting barracks built for his Battalion, became irate after being told that no asbestos or other hazardous materials were used in the construction process.
Upon arrival to the construction site the Sergeant Major began sharpshooting the foreman as if he were sitting before a promotion board. Gibson, known for his “Old Army” ways, wanted to ensure his Soldiers had the best living accomodations available.
“Is that lead paint that you all used on the exterior of this fine building?,” inquired Gibson.
Upon hearing that lead paint was banned due its negative effects on the central nervous system, which include decrease mental function, SGM Gibson “went apeshit,” according to witnesses on the scene.
“Wait, decreased mental function, we don’t fucking require our Soldiers to be some sort of Einstein, or expert in rocket scientry [sic]. Decreased mental function is a plus in my book. It’s an aid for them to not ask stupid fucking questions when we give ‘em orders,” shouted Gibson.
The tour went on as they entered a completed barracks room complete with vinyl hardwood flooring. Sergeant Jacob Patterson, Training Room NCO for the 24th recalled that this didn’t go over well with the SGM either.
“Yeah, he was pissed. He started asking where the hell all the asbestos filled tiles were. Claimed that the building wouldn’t be fireproof if there weren’t any asbestos in it. Someone brought up increased mesothelioma risks, which he countered with the fact that he substituted Copenhagen years ago with asbestos, and never had any adverse health problems,” stated Patterson.
Gibson wasn’t quite finished yet, and walked around the room until he saw the refrigerator in the corner. He began asking if it used good ‘ole fashioned Freon that contained CFCs. Upon hearing that CFCs were outlawed due to its detrimental effects on the Ozone Layer, Gibson lost it.
“Everyone knows that R134 shit doesn’t cool down as quickly as Freon. How the hell are our troops going to quickly cool down some cold ones if they don’t have a proper unit to do so. Seriously what kind of sham job is this,” Gibson retorted.
At this point he began going off on a rant about Soldiers not being able to get a decent VA claim anymore because there was almost nothing in garrison that posed a significant health threat.
He ran out of the barracks and took a fuel can out of one of the construction trucks and began dumping it all over the floors. With a flick of his lit cigarette, it landed on the fuel, and sputtered out with a hiss.
“Oh yeah Sergeant Major, thats Ultra-low-sulfur diesel, it has a higher ignition temperature. That stuff was mandated by law to be used in all diesel engines since 2007. You know, because Sulfer is bad for the environment,” said the foreman.
Gibson has since been held in the Mental Health Ward of the Evans Army Community Hospital, and is expected to make a full recovery.
WASHINGTON, D.C. – Commandant of the Marine Corps General James Amos plans to fire multiple senior Marine Corps leaders after a paperwork error led to beloved Marine Corps mascot Chesty the Bulldog accidentally being euthanized.
Colonel David Motari, head of the Marines’ K-9 Corps, has already been relieved over the incident, which occurred after funding for the Marine mascot program was abruptly cut in a cost-saving measure.
Sergeant Chesty XIII, an English bulldog named after Marine Corps legend Chesty Puller, was last seen alive on November 10, at the Commandant’s Birthday Ball in Crystal City, Virginia. During the ceremony he humped the birthday cake and relieved himself on Sergeant Major of the Marine Corps Michael Barrett’s leg.
Following the ball, his handler, whose name is being withheld for privacy reasons, apparently took him to be immediately euthanized so he could start his weekend liberty early.
According to multiple Marines in the K-9 Corps, Colonel Motari had previously issued an order the day before the ball saying that in anticipation of the upcoming sequestration, all funding for the Marine mascot program was being cut and diverted to the Military Working Dog program in Afghanistan.
As a follow-on, all military gear related to the program was to be either sold off or otherwise disposed of.
While animals are routinely exempted from the order and are typically adopted by their handlers, Colonel Motari apparently forgot to issue the exemption before leaving for the Veterans Day holiday and didn’t sign it until the week after Chesty had already been euthanized.
Chesty XIII had a colorful career: originally trained as a prison guard dog, he was adopted by the Marine Corps after his predecessor Chesty XII was relieved for attacking a small child at a ‘Devil Pups Day’ event.
“We’re pretty sure Chesty [XIII] was abused as a puppy, since he had this tendency to bite anyone who came near him,” said Colonel Motari, displaying the missing pinkie finger on his left hand which he called “a gift” from Chesty XIII. “We also had trouble with what I can only describe as his blatantly racist behavior and his refusal to acknowledge President Obama.”
He has also been under fire ever since his trainer concluded he was gay and subsequently began a public relationship with Defense Secretary Leon Panetta’s dog, Catcher.
Despite the controversy, Chesty XIII also received widespread praise after publicly speaking out about hazing and assault after his bitch was sexually assaulted by a fellow dog-handler in Camp Lejeune.
This is the biggest canine scandal to hit the Marine Corps since 2011, when a battalion commander was investigated over allegedly killing a puppy at a checkpoint in Garmsir. The investigation was later stopped after it turned out he had only killed two Afghans and then said he “shot them down like dogs.”