January 2013

Change Of Command Ceremony Dissolves Into Giant Orgy

FORT BLISS, TX – A change of command ceremony recently ended in a disgusting and repulsive mess of semen and fecal matter, sources confirmed today. Over two hundred soldiers were present and forced to stand in formation for several hours while multiple officers talked incessantly about how amazing they all were. What they didn’t expect [...]

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Rogue Sailor Leads Army of Retribution Through Yemen

by ArmyJ

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Days after violent riots swept Yemen and brought death and destruction on a scale that would dwarf the Syrian uprising, grainy YouTube videos and frantic phone calls have caught the watchful eye of Pentagon officials. Initially dismissed as the ravings of khat-addled villagers, stories emerged of demonic, larger-than-life warriors laying waste to [...]

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Drunken Okinawan Assaults Marine, Passes Out On Barracks Floor

by Paul

CAMP PENDLETON, CA – Military police arrested a Japanese citizen from the island of Okinawa Sunday, on suspicion of trespassing, assault, and disorderly conduct, among other charges. This is the eighth instance of a drunken Okinawan causing trouble at the Marine Corps base just this year. There were 112 incidents recorded last year at Pendleton [...]

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Navy To Apologize To Junior Officer For Shitty First Tour

by Juice Box

WASHINGTON, DC – After months of high-profile deliberation, a US Navy spokesperson has confirmed that the military organization is prepared to issue a public apology to Lieutenant Junior Grade Jeffrey Hurst for wasting the first two years of his professional life. “We obviously made a big mistake not recognizing Lieutenant Hurst’s potential sooner,” the spokesperson [...]

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Soldier Fights For, Gives Up American Freedoms

by Ron

SWAINSBORO, GA – Friends and relatives praised PFC Brian Malloy today for his commitment to fight for America’s freedoms, apparently unaware that he himself has given up those same freedoms, report sources from a recent family barbecue. Malloy, a 19-year-old paratrooper assigned to the 82nd Airborne Division at Ft. Bragg, drove to his hometown last weekend. The occasion [...]

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Surprising Investigation Reveals Afghan Border Patrol Incompetent

by Semper I

KHANASHIN DISCTRICT, AFGHANISTAN – An investigation led by indigenous and coalition forces revealed late last night that up to 95% of Afghan Border Patrol (ABP) are completely incompetent and oblivious to any actual conflict in Afghanistan. Marines working hand in hand with the ABP cited gross acts of incompetence, such as “wandering home and not [...]

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Pentagon Announces Plan Guaranteeing Disabled Americans, Teenagers Right To Military Service

by Paul

WASHINGTON, DC – The Pentagon has confirmed its study into the possibility of allowing the handicapped, teenagers, the elderly, foreign nationals, and others the same rights to military service as everyone else in the world. “This is where we have been heading as a department for more than ten years,” Defense Secretary Leon Panetta told reporters. [...]

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$387Bn Congressional Study Proves ‘Pen Not Mightier Than The Sword’

by Merrick

WASHINGTON, D.C. – A newly released study conducted by Congress has proven once and for all that the pen is not mightier than the sword. Over a year long period, Special Operation Forces (SOF) serving in Afghanistan were outfitted with pens as their primary weapon of engagement, instead of the standard M-4 assault rifle. The [...]

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