Rogue Sailor Leads Army of Retribution Through Yemen Maxx Butthurt January 30, 2013 Navy 27 Comments Follow Duffel Blog: PrevNextUse your ← → (arrow) keys to browse WASHINGTON, D.C. – Days after violent riots swept Yemen and brought death and destruction on a scale that would dwarf the Syrian uprising, grainy YouTube videos and frantic phone calls have caught the watchful eye of Pentagon officials. Initially dismissed as the ravings of khat-addled villagers, stories emerged of demonic, larger-than-life warriors laying waste to huge swathes of the countryside in a never ending thirst for blood. The sudden spike in horrific reports from the Arabian Peninsula prompted the US Department of Defense to call a press conference. They announced that during protests at the U.S. embassy, Navy Cryptologic Technician (Interpretive) 3rd class Melvin Goldstein, who was dispatched to Yemen for liaison duties with the State Department, had gone missing. A washout from the Nuclear Power Training Command, Goldstein’s job included translating for State Department leadership and promoting military partnerships between both nations’ diplomatic communities. It was confirmed that he went missing immediately after the demonstrations ceased. However, intelligence sources doubted the subsequent claims of his capture by local militias. No proof-of-life was provided, and there was no evidence of a struggle at the site of the event. This was confirmed today when Pentagon and CIA reported that an Arabic-speaking United States sailor was leading an “Army of Retribution” through the country, burning and pillaging dozens of towns in a punitive expedition. Riding captured horses, Goldstein and his force of several thousand warriors, recruited from the southern, anti-government tribes of the desert nations, dragged captured “freedom” fighters dozens of miles before executing them in full view of the villagers clustered on the walls of an enemy town. In tactics reminiscent of Genghis Khan, those locations that resist are cleansed of their populations, while those that pay homage to Goldstein and the United States are spared, adding to the glory of his empire. Although the U.S. Navy condemns the Petty Officer’s senseless slaughter of villagers who are believed to be supporting the government, they did announce that violent attacks against State Department officials in the region have dropped by 100%. Wielding a battle-axe stained with dried blood from hundreds of victims, Goldstein has only been photographed from afar; the pictures found on cameras retrieved from mutilated bodies recovered in the blackened remains of yet another town that had the temerity to resist the man commonly referred to by the locals as the “Scourge of God.” Dozens of cities have fallen, with the only reminder of their existence being a large American flag planted atop pyramids of corpses and debris. The U.S. Navy has issued formal recall orders for Goldstein but the complete destruction of what little infrastructure remained in Yemen, combined with a 75% decrease in the local population, has made it difficult to contact the warlord. Sources now report that Goldstein’s reign of terror has culminated in a siege of Sa’ana, with the rebel leader demanding the heads of those responsible for the uprisings in the desert nation. A Marine Fleet Anti-Terrorism Security Team (FAST) deployed to the region in the wake of the attacks has remained on site to protect U.S. interests against further violence. When the commander of the team was asked if there were any plans in the works to stop the bloodshed being wrought against the people of Yemen by Goldstein and his horde, the officer replied, “Not at this time.” Ben J Amin says: July 26, 2014 at 7:29 PM Finally, we’re doing it right! Godspeed Jeff Julum says: April 16, 2014 at 2:09 AM We so wish… Jon A. Keary says: April 16, 2014 at 2:09 AM LMAO…. Ricky J. Benoit says: April 16, 2014 at 2:09 AM Ok, is this shit for real ?? Harrison J. Goforth says: April 16, 2014 at 2:09 AM Waste the motherfuckers! Jim Rice says: April 16, 2014 at 2:09 AM Bagram, shit. I was still only in Bagram. Robert Andrewson says: April 16, 2014 at 2:09 AM Wait a minute. I think this story might be fake… Jonathan Acosta says: April 16, 2014 at 2:09 AM that was hilarioius! Scrouge Of God! fucking too funny. Sarah Gober says: April 16, 2014 at 2:09 AM Doesn’t surprise me. CTIs…. Haha Andrew Byers says: April 16, 2014 at 2:09 AM Funny thing is, we had an Arabic speaking intel sailor go UA in Oman a couple years back. Satire with a thread of thruth through it makes it even more humorous. Colby Lawrence says: April 16, 2014 at 2:09 AM Well this ought to heko stir things up where I’m headed! Robert Mackey, Juan Garechana This is really crazy! Rich Goranson says: April 16, 2014 at 2:09 AM DLI graduates. Fear us. Dillon Yost says: April 16, 2014 at 2:09 AM Dammit! I was planning on doing this when I joined. Larry Lambert says: April 16, 2014 at 2:09 AM Navy leads the way… And since it’s littoral/land warfare, the mud Marines must have…er…mud on their faces when they see the Navy taking care of their area of responsibility. Come to think of it, don’t the SEALs go in first to make beaches safe for Marines to land on? I realize that it’s all Department of the Navy, but sometimes Marines are difficult to convince. Uchenna Kema says: April 16, 2014 at 2:09 AM and a nuke. oh god 10/10 this is the greatest. Stewart La Roche says: April 16, 2014 at 2:09 AM Fucking Squid? Rick Madigan says: April 16, 2014 at 2:09 AM Need to send him to DC and take care of business there. Chase Newland says: April 16, 2014 at 2:09 AM Someone named Goldstien leading a bunch of Arabs, seems a little far fetched if you ask me! lol Keith Walker says: April 16, 2014 at 2:09 AM Not to be too much of a curmudgeon but according to dictioary.com, Swathe is defined as follows: verb (used with object) 1. to wrap, bind, or swaddle with bands of some material; wrap up closely or fully. 2. to bandage. 3. to enfold or envelop, as wrappings do. 4. to wrap (cloth, rope, etc.) around something. noun 5. a band of linen or the like in which something is wrapped; wrapping; bandage. The word the author should have used is swath: noun 1. the space covered by the stroke of a scythe or the cut of a mowing machine. 2. the piece or strip so cut. 3. a line or ridge of grass, grain, or the like, cut and thrown together by a scythe or mowing machine. 4. a strip, belt, or long and relatively narrow extent of anything. Larry Shapiro says: April 16, 2014 at 2:09 AM Think they should ban Lawrence of Arabia, it obvious this person has seen it way too many time. Jonathan Paul Sielaff says: April 16, 2014 at 2:09 AM Frikkin’ “Scourge of God”… lol. Reading this on the crapper, thought I was done and just shit myself a little more. Thanks DB, you owe me some TP- the good shit, with the bears and all! George Blum says: April 16, 2014 at 2:09 AM I was reading about this on Al Jazeera yesterday, although they are somewhat playing it down. Trying to put the slant on it that there were only women, children and virgin goats in the towns Goldstein’s Band was passing through. They are also reporting that Goldstein is being aided by the 3 of the 97 Jews still somehow left alive in Yemen, therefore this is being categorized as another unprovoked attack by the Imperial Zionist Government (Israel to the rest of us) acting with the cooperation of the Imperial Zionist Controlled Government (America to the rest of us) in a further attempt to Colonize yet more Muslim sand fields. Erich Maria de Villiers says: April 16, 2014 at 2:09 AM The horror… the horror… Maogwai Cat says: April 16, 2014 at 2:09 AM Beware the power and influence of the Strategic Third Class… Scott Robinett says: April 16, 2014 at 2:09 AM Apocalypse Now? Clay Fisher says: April 16, 2014 at 2:09 AM The Duffel Blog, doing actual good hard hitting reporting. No one else is reporting this story…goddamn main stream media. Daniel Nathaniel says: April 16, 2014 at 2:09 AM Muad’dib!