KANDAHAR, AFGHANISTAN – Vatican officials are denouncing a U.S. Army soldier today after learning that the deployed service-member ate a “miraculous and holy MRE poundcake,” according to a witness statements.
Miracles happen everyday throughout the military, from having a bullet miss by inches to a roadside bomb failing to detonate. For Specialist Tom Moore, it meant finding a divine piece of lemon poppyseed poundcake.
While field stripping his MRE's prior to a week long operation, the 24 year-old infantryman and devout Catholic decided to snack on a poundcake. Upon opening it, he found the most accurate depiction of the Virgin Mary ever to be discovered.
He posted the image to Facebook before stuffing the poundcake inside his rucksack as a good luck charm.
"It went viral," Moore said. "I had no idea, but by the third day, I had over a million likes. I later found an email sent from the Vatican asking me to keep it safe so it could receive canonical approval upon my return."
Unfortunately, "Mary's Poundcake," was the sole casualty of the operation. After air assaulting an Afghan village, supplies began to run low. Poor weather and constant enemy attacks prevented resupply.
"If I knew what it was, I wouldn't have eaten it," said Private Jeremy Jacobs, 18. "My team leader, Specialist Moore, told me to grab some chow from his ruck and it was the first thing I saw."
Before consuming it, Jacobs was heard saying, "Dude, there's some chick on this."
Agony turned to anger when millions of Catholics, who made a pilgrimage to Vatican City to await the poundcake's return, received the news. Many protestors wondered how Jacobs could live with himself after crushing the hopes of so many.
"I honestly was devastated," said Jacobs. "It really was a 'holy shit' moment for me, especially since the peanut butter clogged me up for three days."
Specialist Moore has defended his soldier against calls for UCMJ action. "Besides there being no legal recourse to charge him, it was a honest mistake. As I see it, it was God's plan to provide nourishment to a starving soldier."
Private Jacobs has followed his team leader in trying to find the good within a tragic mistake. He has even found humor in the whole episode.
"If you think about it, it's actually kind of funny," Jacobs said. "I usually only piss off some girl's parents when I get caught eating a virgin."