CAMP PENDLETON, CA – One of the most anticipated military stories of the past decade will arrive in bookstores June 14th, Flag Day. National Defense… Medal: My Journey through the Frontlines of a Marine Corps Recruit Depot, by Private First Class Nick Rattee, will be published by Random House Books.
It has received considerable advance praise. David Brooks calls it “a quintessential military chronicle that will rival those of Winston Churchill, Phil Caputo, and Sun Tzu.” Bill Gertz says it’s “Much more realistic than Tom Ricks’ Making the Corps. Only a real Marine could tell the story this well.”
Pfc. Rattee, a Basic Marine who’s waiting to be medically separated, is gearing up to start promoting the memoir.
“I’m semper excited,” said the eighteen year-old from Crane, TX while doing his best drill instructor voice. “What we went through down the road … it was frightening and life changing. I felt that our story needed to be told. It’s a tribute to my brothers, who so willfully put themselves in danger of being yelled at.”
The book will chronicle Pfc. Rattee’s terrifying thirteen week tour as a Marine recruit at MCRD San Diego.
One excerpt reads:
Sweat poured from my brow like blood from a severed artery as our platoon continued to struggle for sanity while our DIs yelled at us. From the corner of my eye I could see our senior drill instructor, a menacing fireplug of a man by the name of Staff Sergeant Armendariz, staring me down with the same vitriol as an Iraqi insurgent. Armendariz would have had a shock of grey hair, if it hadn’t been so darned high-and-tight.
“Rattee,” he said, “get to my quarter-deck right now!”
Disregarding my own safety, I valiantly dashed toward the front, assumed the position, and had to do side-straddle hops for approximately two minutes. I’ll never forget the horrifying inhumanity of that day. I joined the Corps with a lot of notions of duty, honor, country, but nothing had prepared me for sheer horror of learning the precursor skills necessary to be trained to learn an MOS to then spend time preparing for war.
Rattee was inspired to write the book while on medical-hold at SOI (West) four weeks after he graduated bootcamp.
“I fell out of a five-k hump during the first week because I rolled my ankle,” he told The Duffel Blog as he ran his hand through his high-and-tight. “I had a lot of time on my hands, so I picked up Marcus Lutrell’s Lone Survivor, among fifty other SEAL memoirs, read it front to cover and was totally inspired. That guy really knows how to tell a BUDS story. It gave me the motivation to tell my own.”
But not everyone is excited about the release. Rattee’s former SDI, Staff Sergeant Michael Armendariz, didn’t hold back.
“That daggone fuck-luck told me he was an All-American football player in high school, but joined the Marine Corps after an injury, you understand? He turned out to be a friggin’ daggone gelatinous tub of shit in every single physical activity we did, you understand? All that yoohoo ever did was talk himself up and fail in every possible way, you understand?. He even pissed his trousers seven different times during field week, you understand?”
When asked if he was discouraged by criticism coming from senior Marines, Rattee didn’t mince words.
“I understand where they’re coming from, but I think somewhere along the way, after all those deployments, they lost sight of what it means to be a real Marine. Our core principles are forged in the violent crucibles of The Crucible. It’s semper silly for them to give me any guff over this.”
“I achieved my highest ambition: Basic Marine. Once I get those discharge papers, I’ll have plenty of time to tour the nation and promote my book,” he adds. “After that, who knows. I’ve always been interested in law enforcement, so I think I’ll apply as a retail protection agent.”
Rumors are circulating that PFC Rattee will be nominated for the next Super-Boot of the Year award.
QUETTA, PAKISTAN – As the United States rapidly approaches the deadline for sequestration, President Obama is getting support from an unlikely quarter: Taliban spiritual leader Mullah Muhammad Omar.
In a video released today, Taliban spokesman Zabibullah Mujahid read a statement from the group’s supreme leader: ”I, Mullah Muhammad Omar, Emir of the Taliban, Commander of the Boy Brigades, Custodian of the Holy Poppy Fields, Rocker of the Casbah, Sultan of Swing …”
After several minutes Zabibullah was able to read the actual contents of the statement, where the Taliban leader addressed what he referred to as the “dire consequences” if Congress fails to resolve the sequestration issue:
“Peace be upon you, American infidels. As you are aware, because of your inability to pass a simple budget, you are facing up to $40 billion in defense cuts for your fiscal year 2013,” Zabibullah read. “While we are totally fine with these cuts devastating your military and economy, there will also be some catastrophic consequences for us as well.”
“Half our budget comes from skimming off your operations in Afghanistan. Without hard American dollars, hundreds of Taliban fighters will be laid off over the coming year and forced onto the streets to beg like common women.”
Omar’s statement was rather apocalyptic at the consequences of the automatic budget cuts: ”With the money we have, we will barely be able to bribe members of the [Pakistani] Frontier Corps!”
When asked about the Taliban’s statement, White House spokesman Jay Carney was blunt. “This is more proof that it is not just the American people who want strong action on President Obama’s deficit reduction program, but also the people of Afghanistan as well. Because they understand that these cuts will impact the whole world.”
Others thought Mullah Omar’s statement was overblown. Conservatives in particular believe that Mullah Omar is using fuzzy math.
“Even if the sequester goes into effect, the federal budget for this year will still be larger than last year’s,” Grover Norquist of Americans For Tax Reform told The Duffel Blog. “But the Taliban are telling the American people that unless government gets an even bigger raise, they’re not going to be able to conduct as many attacks as they normally do. I think that’s just disgraceful. The Haqqani Network and Gulbuddin Hekmatyar receive much less funding but conduct twice as many attacks: more proof that smaller government works.”
“Why go through all the grief of having the Taliban extort us when we can simply give the money directly to the Karzai government and the Taliban can extort it from them?” asked Malou Innocent, a foreign policy analyst at the CATO Institute.
House Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-Va.) tried to strike a balance, contending it was Taliban spending that was truly to blame.
“These are false choices. We are faced with the negative effects of the sequester because the Taliban have not been able to take even the smallest step towards controlling spending. If they simply budgeted the runoff from our waste, we wouldn’t be having this debate. They need to stop pretending this is some kind of campaign for giving zakat. It’s going to be wasted on jihad, pure and simple.”
Zabibullah was not taking the criticism laying down.
“It’s the U.S. who cannot pass the budget,” he told reporters in a Q&A session following the statement. “They and they alone are to blame for our troubles. Our salaries will be cut almost in half. New recruits will be furloughed indefinitely, effective on 1 March. I do not know how this Jew [Cantor] thinks we run jihad, but zakat is for zakat, nothing else!”
As of Wednesday the government remained deadlocked and neither the Taliban, nor Washington remained optimistic.
“The Republicans in Congress need to learn to moderate themselves,” Zabibullah said. “There are two kinds of people I can’t stand: extremists and Jews.”
“This is what you get, when you stray from the sharia,” warned Zabibullah, “fiscal insolvency.”
Duffel Blog Investigative Reporter G-Had also contributed to this report.
CRESCENT CITY, CA — The Department of Defense has confirmed accusations that a $179 million military training program for mountain gorillas was created based on a spelling error in an email between two high ranking Army officers, according to official sources. The admission follows over a year of denials, which were originally sparked by a leaked copy of the email from an anonymous whistleblower.
“As these large wars end and we refocus on the possibility of proxy wars with China over resources and influence in the Pacific, South America, and Africa, we need to think about putting a small scale Green Beret-like capability in at least a few of our regular infantry battalions,” the email begins.
“This is partly just a recruiting ploy to put in the commercials, but it would also identify local talent that we could pull out of gen pop and send to Camp Mackall or the Rangers. God bless the SEALs and Marines, but they’re the only things standing between the goddamn Navy and total irrelevancy. Screw [the Goldwater-Nichols Act of 1986], we need more special forces and shock troops to price them out of the market. To stand up that kind of capability, we’ll need to budget for a new gorilla [sic] warfare program.”
The email soon came to the attention of Admiral William McRaven, commander of the U.S. Special Operations Command. Unfortunately, the email seems to have only been forwarded in part, and McRaven saw just the final three sentences, which he forwarded to Chief of Naval Operations ADM Jonathan Greenert. A week later, Secretary of the Navy Ray Mabus, accompanied by ADM Greenert and caged silverback mountain gorilla Ojore, publicly announced that the Navy’s Marine Mammal Program would, “like the Navy SEALs and Marines, now expand to cover threats on sea, air, and land, and in any clime and place,” a statement now believed to have been intended to provoke the Army based on Mabus’ mistaken impression of the email.
Despite originally having no interest in actual gorillas, the Army complained that the Navy had no business in what was logically an Army mission, since there was nothing aquatic about gorillas. The Navy, concerned that they might be completely shut out of the military gorilla field, responded that ‘marine mammal’ was a description of the animals’ training, not their natural habitat, and threatened to press for takeover of the Army’s working dog program since the Army routinely teaches their dogs how to swim. Following a period of bitter bureaucratic infighting, the Army grudgingly backed down and created their own gorilla program with a similar level of funding.
A compromise between the two services was negotiated soon after by Rep. Mike Thompson (D-Calif.) of the House Ways and Means Committee, an Army veteran and a “strong believer in the military gorilla concept.” Thompson’s compromise produced the Joint Military Gorilla Program (JMGP), which combined the Army and Navy’s gorilla programs in a single $100M facility headquartered outside Crescent City, CA, and also created a prestigious liaison billet for an Air Force officer.
The location of the facility in what was then Thompson’s home district led to allegations of corruption and pork-barrel spending, at which point WikiLeaks received and published the original email along with several hundred related emails from later in the project’s development. The scandal died down when JMGP spokesman and head primatologist Dr. Warren Reed explained that California’s 1st District contained one of only a few cloud forest habitats in the U.S., which was vital for proper gorilla research, and that this, combined with factors such as proximity to the ocean and other regional military facilities, made it the only possible choice.
The story then faded until a sharp-eyed reader, outspoken military reformer Colonel Roy Casey, USAF (Ret.), looked at the initial email, realized the misunderstanding, and posted the entire story on his blog, which was soon picked up by both WIRED and Foreign Policy. Interest in the story immediately revived, and the Department of Defense’s denials began.
“I think this tells you a lot about the culture of the DoD,” said Casey. “There was no reality check anywhere in the chain that offered even a single question about this, even as simple a question as ‘sir, did you mean guerrilla warfare?,’ nevermind questions about the number of gorillas left in the world, the difficulty of teaching military science to animals only capable of sign language, or the dangers of handling even a single wild fucking gorilla, much less how those dangers might be compounded if you gathered a large group of gorillas in one place, armed them, and then trained them how to operate as a military unit. People were either too afraid or too stupid to ask their bosses hard questions. This is even worse than the Bradley.”
By ‘worse than the Bradley’, Casey is referring to problems of corruption and incompetence that plagued the development of the Army’s Bradley Fighting Vehicle, and which were exposed by his fellow military reformer Col. James Burton in the book The Pentagon Wars.
However, Dr. Reed is pleased with the program’s results. “The critics can say whatever they want, but we’re seeing real progress. The mountain gorilla social hierarchy maps perfectly onto a military hierarchy, and these guys have a passion for learning. It took very little time to get them up to reading children’s books, and after only a few months they’d moved on to history. And as soon as Petty Officer Ojore reads a book, he hands it off to his Army counterpart, Sergeant Munyiga, then on down the line until they’ve all finished it. One week it will be The Spartacus War. The next week it will be Mutiny on the Amistad. Sure, sometimes they get confused, like when Ojore signed that he wanted a copy of Alberto Bayo’s 150 Questions for a Guerrilla, but he played it off and made a big show of reading it cover to cover anyway.”
“As far as Col Casey, his claims are ridiculous,” said Reed. “The truth is, we have no problem admitting when we make mistakes or have setbacks. For instance, while the subjects have picked up reading very quickly, we’ve been disappointed with their sign language. During the day, they seem able to sign normally, but at night their signs to each other are nonsense, just hours of back and forth nonsense.”
Colonel Casey remains unconvinced.
“What’s worse than this error making it so long without getting caught is that, even when the error finally came to light, they chose to double down on the mistake instead of correcting it. It’s like the F-35. ’Hey, we’re so delusional that we believe even our complete fuck-ups are somehow accidentally brilliant.’ Don’t get me wrong…screw WikiLeaks, fuck that twerp Assange, and Manning should get ten lashes on the National Mall. But the fact is that this shows the DoD still has brain cancer. Until they institutionalize reform processes instead of sending their white blood cells after anyone who tries to handle reform in-house, they’ll need someone outside getting in their soup to keep them honest. Looking at this mess, you’ve got to wonder just how badly things would have to go wrong before they’d admit they screwed up.”
Meanwhile, outside Crescent City, CA, the program continues.
When questioned about a second WikiLeaks document which claimed that, following a month long cultural awareness course, the twelve silverbacks’ behavior appeared to indicate that they had adopted a particularly radical type of Salafi Islam, the DoD refused to comment, except to vow that they would prosecute all involved in leaking the document.
BOSTON, MA – The top administrative soldier at the Massachusetts Army National Guard’s 215th Military Police Battalion never misses an opportunity to mention her Bronze Star citation during conversations both on and off duty, according to official sources.
Captain Lori Stewart, the battalion S1 officer, earned the award last year on deployment to Afghanistan.
“Captain Stewart’s a pretty good S1,” reported her battalion executive officer, Major Michael Sullivan, “but to hear her talk about her time down range [in Afghanistan], you’d think she got a fucking Distinguished Service Cross or something. I mean, shit, she was a battalion S1 who never left the wire. If I knew how she’d act afterwards, I’d have submitted her for a fucking ARCOM.”
Her battalion commander, Lieutenant Colonel Patrick Clancy, agreed with his XO.
“Lori did a good job making sure reports and awards got processed on time and to standard, but recommending her for that Bronze Star was about the dumbest thing I did in Afghanistan. One weekend a month and two weeks in the summer, I have to hear her constantly quoting the damn award write-up that Major Sullivan pulled out of his ass whenever there is a group of two or more people gathered together.”
But Stewart disagrees with her chain of command’s assessment, telling The Duffel Blog that she only mentions the citation when it is relevant to the conversation at hand.
“Do I talk about my time in the ‘Stan a lot? Maybe. But the hell I went through on Bagram Air Field changed who I am as a person. I think Major Sullivan was right when he wrote that my ‘ability to quickly and effectively process leave forms ensured all Soldiers were able to go on mid-tour R&R with no deficiencies’. If that sort of action doesn’t have a real and lasting impact on the successful conduct of the battalion’s mission in a war zone, what does?”
But it is not only fellow service members who highlight CPT Stewart’s ability to introduce her Bronze Star into every conversation.
Responding to questioning from Duffel Blog reporters, her husband James wrote, “I guess she does mention it pretty frequently. At our daughter’s soccer game the other day, she started yelling at the referee that she ‘didn’t earn a BSM by getting a 99% rating on a CIP inspection in a war zone to have some pogue civilian tell her to get off the field during play’. She also pointed at the Bronze Star thingy on her license plate to sorta drive home the point.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. – The Pentagon is planning to announce a new sexual health campaign, titled “Goddamn it, Wear a Condom You Idiots,” on Tuesday.
The move comes amid reports that 10 percent of servicewomen have unintended pregnancies per year, and 75 percent of Navy pregnancies were unplanned. Officials were shocked that the numbers were so low.
“We realized we should be doing more to educate servicemembers about pregnancy and sexual health,” Lieutenant Colonel Patrick Washburn said as he announced the program. “Many schools have abstinence only education programs so we’re recruiting people who are clueless about sex. I don’t know how they can call ‘abstinence only’ education. Education teaches things.”
Lessons in the new campaign are designed to refute common misconceptions about sex, such as “Drinking Mountain Dew is not an effective form of birth control,” “Don’t have unprotected sex with people who have STDs,” and “Women, if you get pregnant to avoid a deployment you’ll deploy later and you’ll still have to raise your child for eighteen goddamn years.”
“This is really interesting information,” Marine Private John Wilkenson said. “I had no idea a girl could get pregnant if you said you were going to pull out but didn’t. I thought telling her you were sorry made it ok. And thank God they didn’t show that picture of the woman’s face covered in herpes.”
“We need this program,” Hospital Corpsman Second Class Valerie Sanborne said afterward. “There’s a girl on board whose nickname is Seaman Clap. She infected so many guys we put a note in the Plan of the Day. ‘Seaman Arly has chlamydia. If you’re going to have sexual relations with her, wear a condom.’ Guys still keep doing her bareback. How dumb are they?”
“There needs to be a lesson about being a parent,” Senior Airman Christina Scott said. “People shouldn’t make the same mistake I did. I had my son so I could get an extra $150 a month for beer money. Turns out it costs more than that to raise a child. Who knew?”
BAGRAM AIRFIELD — A female Army private is proud to receive some recognition today, after media outlets learned that she holds the record for longest-serving soldier in Afghanistan.
Private Amanda Holder, standing at five feet tall and a hundred and seventy-two pounds, spoke candidly to Duffel Blog reporters.
The 27-year old soldier was only 19 when she first landed at Bagram Airfield eight years ago.
“I’m looking forward to my ninth year here. It’s been so much fun, I see no point in leaving. Another year of salsa nights, Coffee Bean chats, and a whole new rotation of men to meet. I mean friends. I like to meet new friends.”
But it hasn’t been all fun and games for Private Holder. Besides the occasional insurgent attack, where she hides in her favorite bunker she has since decorated with Christmas lights and a recliner, Holder has been the target of JAG officers for almost her entire stay.
“I’ve been court-martialed for fraternization seventeen times,” Holder said. “It’s why I’m still a private. But a girl has to have her fun, right? I say, get play over pay any day.”
Holder smiles, adding, “It took me three years to come up with that rhyme.”
Holder’s family has tried to convince her to return after she stopped taking leave during her third tour. Her brother, fellow Afghanistan veteran Josh Holder, is the only family member to support his sister.
“I don’t blame her,” Josh said. “It’s like she lives in some magical alternate universe. If my tour consisted of never seeing combat, making tons of money and everyone wanting to bang me, I’d never come home either.”
Rumors as to why Private Holder has continued to extend have circulated Bagram for years. In a candid moment, Holder finally came clean.
“Let’s be honest, back home I’m only a questionable two in a dark alley. But I’m a solid seven here, depending on how long the guy is into his deployment.”
Surprisingly, it’s not incoming mortar attacks or her impending eighteenth court martial that Holder fears. It’s American forces getting bogged down in another Vietnam with no end in sight.
“I say a little prayer every night,” Holder said. “That God willing, we pull out and finally go home so we can invade Iran. I need a change of scenery.”
FT. BENNING, GA – Like most of his peers, Private Jack Jerrelsen has been sternly reprimanded for his shortcomings during Infantry training.
Stand up straight.
What are you doing coming out here with your uniform wrinkly like that?
You call that making your bunk?
But for the 17-year-old Washington native, the source of those criticisms isn’t his instructor. It’s his mother, Private Sharon O’Brien.
“By the time the sergeant gets to Jackie to inspect him, he doesn’t have anything to say, because I already got to him first,” the 36-year-old O’Brien said.
Jerrelsen and O’Brien are attending One Station Unit Training, the Army’s Infantry school, and are in the program’s second phase: Advanced Individual Training. They are the first mother-son pair in U.S. military history to attend Infantry training together.
“When Jackie told me he was going to sign up for the Army, and for the Infantry no less, sure I had some reservations,” O’Brien said. “You don’t raise a kid so that he can go out and get himself shot at.”
O’Brien spoke with Jerrelsen’s recruiter, who eased her fears and sold her on the benefits of military service—so well that she decided to enlist and pursue a career in the Infantry herself.
“It sounded like a good way to get my mind off my recent divorce with [Jerrelsen’s stepfather] Roger,” O’Brien said. “And between you and me, I liked that I’d be able to keep my eye on Jackie. He’s a good kid, but I know he needs a little help applying himself.”
O’Brien has handled the physical demands with ease, a fact she chalks up to years of power walking and boot camp fitness classes at her neighborhood Zumba studio.
“Private O’Brien can tackle any challenge we throw at her,” said SFC Mike Trail, the platoon sergeant. “Unfortunately, the same cannot be said for Private Jerrelsen, who according to O’Brien spent his youth playing Call of Duty and smoking cigarettes outside the gas station with his friend Darnell.”
“Hopefully,” Trail added, “he’ll listen to O’Brien’s advice and turn into a lean, mean Infantryman, just like his mom.”
Jerrelsen and O’Brien will soon have company. An Air Force source speaking on condition of anonymity has announced that an entire family—father, mother, son, daughter, and the family’s pet, a 2-year-old German Shepherd—will be attending training together to join the Security Forces, which the source described as “pretty much the Air Force’s Infantry anyway.”
Trail said that he doesn’t anticipate anything preventing Jerrelsen and O’Brien from graduating and becoming successful soldiers.
“With some guidance, I’m sure Private Jerrelsen will be a good troop and a welcome addition to the Army,” Trail said. “As for O’Brien, she keeps talking about buying a 2003 Mustang from the local dealership. And somehow she met a 300-pound ex-convict in town during training, and she’s considering marrying him.”
“If that doesn’t sound like an Infantryman, then I don’t know what,” Trail said with visible pride on his face.
Jerrelsen’s current whereabouts are unknown, but sources reported that he is hiding from his mom for not having cleaned his room.
CAMP SMITH, HI — Sources revealed today that a top U.S. Marine General is “extremely hesitant” about plans for his possible retirement, indicating a greater problem with military transition assistance programs.
Gen. John Murphy, the former commander of Fleet Marine Forces-Pacific, is looking toward a future in the private sector, but he says he may have to lower himself to take any position in order to support his family.
“It’s scary out there with the economy the way it is,” said Murphy in a telephone interview with The Duffel Blog. “I’m certainly hoping that I can secure a job as a D.C. lobbyist or a consultant to a defense contractor. But shit, I’m just not sure anymore. I might have to degrade myself and be a military analyst at Fox News just to feed my goddamn kids.”
Murphy’s worries underscore a major problem of assisting military members on their way out of the service. Junior enlisted personnel usually go through a weeklong Transition Assistance Program, or TAP, but the classes for general officers have serious drawbacks.
“The enlisted classes set the guys up for everything. They basically pave the way for them to go college, give them job placement, the whole nine yards,” said Michael Phillips, a counselor with the TAP program. “But for Generals, they need to do a lot of the work on their own. Most of them have to search for at least a few minutes in their rolodex to find a contact at BAE Systems or Lockheed before they have an executive position.”
But it’s not only the possibility of not having a career outside of the military, Murphy says.
“It’s also the shitty pension that I’m going to get,” Murphy said tearfully. “How the hell am I going to live on a salary of over $200,000 a year? You can’t even get a decent sports car for that.”
Murphy isn’t the first General with retirement worries. The Duffel Blog reached out to a number of retired Generals and Admirals for comment.
“I really feel for John, because it is really tough out here,” Admiral Gary Roughead (Ret.) told The Duffel Blog. “It took me almost four months to get on Northrup Grumman’s corporate board, and even then they only paid me a measly $115,000 a year.”
In a poll of retired Generals contacted by TDB, the survey found that roughly 87 percent had to cut back on the size of their mansions and lower the amount of shoe shines received each week. 23 percent reported that they had to cut back their diet of caviar.
“People don’t realize the hardships that we face on the outside,” said Lt. Gen. Robert Dail (Ret.). “The company I work for actually sent a chauffeured car once to take me to work instead of the usual helicopter.”
JACKSONVILLE, NC — Marine Corps officials released the results of a month-long wargame earlier today, claiming that the study has proven women are capable of serving in combat positions.
The wargame, dubbed Operation Irrational Rage, was planned days after Secretary of Defense Leon Panetta opened combat roles to women. Lt. Col. Jordan O’Neil commanded 3rd Battalion, 2nd Marine Regiment, tasked with finding and destroying an enemy outpost hidden somewhere in the countryside. O’Neil was chosen for combat command after distinguishing herself by replacing physical training with Zumba classes, outfitting her Marines with different uniforms so no one could argue who wore theirs better, and replacing MRE’s with salads and pints of yogurt.
O’Neil organized a long distance recon, during which she made her Executive Officer, Maj. Brad Gramble, carry her rucksack and open jars. Unconfirmed sources say she also refused to wear camouflage face paint, claiming it didn’t match her eyes.
“She also said her feet were hurting,” said Gramble, “so she commandeered a Humvee but ended up driving it into a ditch.” She screamed in frustration, prompting her Marines to mutter, “must be that time of the month.”
Still, there were setbacks.
That night three Marines were killed in a freak bear attack. Only a day later, Private First Class John Metz awoke to find he had been demoted in the night. When he asked why, LtCol O’Neil only responded, “You know what you did.” The battalion was ordered not to speak to PFC Metz until he apologized.
The next day, O’Neil screamed at Maj. Gramble for leaving the seat up on the ammo box used as a toilet. Although he apologized a dozen times, he wasn’t forgiven until he found some flowers and gave her his MRE crackers and jalapeño cheese.
Finding the objective, O’Neil and Gramble developed a plan of attack. The battalion prepared to attack at midnight but had to wait three hours for O’Neil to get ready.
O’Neil led the assault and won a crushing victory, demonstrating that women are just as capable in combat as men.
To celebrate the operation’s success, O’Neil organized a mandatory shopping trip where everyone was ordered to buy several sets of boots they would never wear. While her Marines shopped, O’Neil sulked and complained nobody noticed her new haircut.
HOLLYWOOD, CA – Former U.S. Army Private Jonathan Fleckstein has found a lucrative new career in Hollywood as a military technical consultant to film and television productions dealing with military matters.
In the four years since separating from the Army, which he served in for ten months, the native Angelino has taken part in the production of three movies and five television series, advising the producers on such matters as military customs and courtesies, rank structure, weaponry, and the current state of the war on terror.
“When I was at Aberdeen Proving Grounds [sic] training to be a wheeled-vehicle mechanic, I really got to understand the concepts of marching, saluting, and clearing my weapon. I try to bring my expertise in that sort of in-your-face realism to the movie sets I work at,” Fleckstein told The Duffel Blog.
‘Death From Above’, the new Michael Bay-directed action film, is currently in post-production, but Fleckstein’s part in it is just beginning.
“I couldn’t help but notice that there were several scenes in which non-coms and officers interacted and there were no salutes exchanged! I told the executive producer that was fucked up and totes [sic] unrealistic,” Fleckstein reported. “Based on my expertise, Bay ordered some re-shoots to make sure every time an enlisted person talks to an officer, they salute before and after each sentence. That should make it more like the Army I know.”
Hollywood insiders are excited that movie realism is improving under Fleckstein’s expert watch.
“Jonathan is definitely a hell of an asset to have,” said director Michael Bay. “Without his help, we would have never have known to have soldiers in the movie marching everywhere in Afghanistan, and we also realized the initial script forgot to include a Drill Sergeant to scream at everyone at all times.”
While Fleckstein was chaptered from the Army during initial training at AIT and never got to serve in an actual Army unit, he doesn’t let that hold him back:
“While I’ve never been deployed to a combat zone or actually done a PMCS on a vehicle, I’m well-versed in the concept of initial entry training and the ins-and-outs of the UCMJ process, and I think those experiences make me more than able to deal with the nuances of military culture during this time of persistent conflict.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Republican lawmakers are continuing their filibuster of Chuck Hagel to head the Defense Department, citing controversial statements he’s made in the past.
It’s the first use of the filibuster against a nomination for Secretary of Defense in American history.
Hagel came under fire at his confirmation hearing for actually saying the United States should try to negotiate with countries before invading them and wanting to bring an end to the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. But one of the most damaging statements came in an official biography, when he said, “I will do all I can to prevent war,” — a sentiment that pretty much everyone thinks is the worst idea ever.
“You are soft on defense,” Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas) said during the hearing. “How can you favor cutting the defense budget now that our wars are ending? How will the Army afford the useless equipment that’s built in my district?”
And even some Democratic senators are expressing second thoughts.
“I reviewed some of your statements about the Iraq war,” Sen. Kirstin Gillibrand (D-N.Y.) said. “It looks like you are opposed to thousands of American soldiers dying for no reason. Do you really think you can lead the military with that attitude? Our troops are going to look at you and say ‘He isn’t going to get us stuck in another endless, pointless occupation. Fuck that guy.’”
The former Republican senator has also been criticized for once saying, “I am an American senator, not an Israeli one.”
Politicians and cable news pundits alike pounced on the remark, attacking him for making a factually accurate statement and naming the country where he held political office.
To break the filibuster, Sen. Harry Reid (D-Nev.) needs to wrangle up at least 60 votes. At press time, the senator’s aides have confirmed that he has 55 Democrats and 3 Republicans.
HELMAND PROVINCE, AFGHANISTAN - The Marines of Alpha Company, 1st Battalion, 5th Marines, deployed out of Camp Pendleton, CA are no strangers to conflict. During the last four months this group of hardened warriors has been engaged in savage combat with the Taliban for control of the Sangin region, critical to both sides in what have become the final years of the US war in Afghanistan. All Marines, from the newest boot private to the grizzled gunnery sergeants, have become proficient in the art of killing.
Unfortunately, these same highly trained veterans have begun to devote a larger and larger portion of their personal funds towards planning for a very slight possibility: the Zombie Apocalypse.
Many believe that some time in the near future, the undead will walk the earth as reanimated corpses, plunging the world into a state of anarchy and bloodshed where only the strong will prevail.
Captain Julian Abraham, a finance officer rotating through the area, was the first to discover the problem.
“When I first got to Sangin, I was ordered to conduct a personal finance survey of the Marines in Alpha Company. I found that over 87% of them had spent their accumulated combat pay on additional tactical gear, personal firearms, and survival equipment while still deployed overseas.”
Abraham had unearthed the quietly growing trend in the Marine infantry ranks. When asked about the expenditures, Lance Corporal Wayne Jenkins summed it up for everyone.
“It’s the Zombie Apocalypse sir,” said Jenkins. “You gotta be ready.”
“I can’t wait to kill me some zombies when I get home.” added the young father of four, speaking to The Duffel Blog during a patrol. “Soon as it starts, I’m heading for a cabin that I’ve leased up in Montana. Electric fences and everything!”
It should be noted that Lance Corporal Jenkins has no source of income outside of the Marine Corps.
Other Marines were actively engaged in planning as well. While sitting at a blocking position responsible for stopping and searching vehicles, Private Mark Waterson showed off his latest escape route from the barracks that he’d meticulously sketched out in his newly-purchased survival book, modeled on the popular fictional how-to guides for Zombie warfare by Max Brooks. He had already spent his reenlistment bonus on a 24-month supply of dehydrated rations, almost identical to the MREs issued in the field, as well as a curved titanium sword designed specifically for beheading the undead in close combat.
“Everybody knows you gotta get the head,” Waterson added sagely while polishing the three foot long blade.
Even the senior enlisted ranks were not immune to speculation. When this reporter approached Alpha Company First Sergeant Juan Martinez, he was thoughtful about the matter.
“Do I think it’s gonna happen? Probably not, but who knows? I mean. . . I’ll be ready when it does. Got an extra set of body armor ready to go. [A] few pistols for the kids. I can barricade the house up real nice when it starts with a stack of sandbags I have in the backyard.”
At the end of Abraham’s investigation, over 100 members of the company admitted to large expenditures relating to weapons or survival, and when pressed, admitted that the purchases were almost all tied in some way to the Zombie Apocalypse.
Captain James Stevens, the Company Commander, doesn’t seem to understand his men’s obsession with the planning for the very unlikely possibility of combat with the undead.
“It’s such a fucking waste of money. Last week I found out one guy whose wife is already using food stamps ordered a $3,000.00 nickel-plated 12-gauge shotgun with a bayonet attachment because he didn’t want the Z’s to get him during reloads. Reloads! What the hell is wrong with these guys?,” said Stevens, shaking his head in disgust. “You can’t give the junior guys financial advice when their squad leaders are spending training time drawing diagrams for evacuation and how to set up hasty defenses inside of a shopping mall! When that homeless guy got his face eaten a while back, guys that have never read a book in their lives were scouring the newspapers and internet sites for information about the spread of the infection. You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.”
“What these guys really need to do is get some auditing counseling as soon as they get back to the States. L. Ron never talked about a Goddamn Zombie apocalypse, so as far as I’m concerned, it’s never going to happen!”
Stevens then angrily cut the interview short after he received an email asking if he would co-sign a loan for eight of his Marines to jointly purchase a school bus and convert it to a “battle wagon” after redeployment. A 35 page attachment of plans and construction diagrams had been added to the request.
RAF MOLESWORTH, UK - In a major assessment paper released today, the Defense Intelligence Agency has concluded that north Africa is “basically one gigantic shithole.”
The assessment cites the attack on American consulate in Benghazi, Libya, continued unrest and strife under the Muslim Brotherhood in Egypt, the ongoing al-Qaida seizure of northern Mali, and the recent Algerian hostage crisis, as contributing factors to the region’s reputation as a swirling toilet bowl of human excrement. DIA based its assessment not only its own internal findings, but also on testimony from others.
For example, the agency has field reports corroborated by signals intelligence that Moktar Belmoktar actually tried refusing orders to be sent out to Mali, calling it “Allah’s Asshole” and demanding to know why the Global Caliphate couldn’t “be based out of someplace nice, like Tahiti or the French Riviera.”
“A lot of patterns have been emerging to confirm what we’ve long suspected,” declared Jayson Riser, a DIA analyst, who spoke on condition of anonymity. “Algeria just seals the deal.”
When asked why anyone would ever live in north Africa, all Riser could do was stare ahead, as if stunned, only finally asking rhetorically “You mean by choice?” He went on to list arid climate, catastophic AIDS cases, government corruption, tribal freud, disease, starvation, civil war, in addition to “not being able to swing a dead cat without hitting an Islamic fanatic” as reasons for not wanting to have anything to do with the region. Mr. Riser later went on to speculate the only thing worth fighting for in such a godforsaken backwater of human waste was “some kind of petroleum product, where the winner gets to die of starvation instead of immediate execution.”
The assessment, although timely, had been a long time coming. “It’s not like we’re going to miss the mark here,” said Lt. General Michael T. Flynn, Director of DIA. “I suppose our only regret is the outlook for the region is to become an even bigger shithole, courtesy of Moktar Belmoktar,” he said, referencing the unfolding crisis in Algeria.
“Although we obviously update our regional assessments, when it comes to the Maghreb, all I have to do is pretty much open the file and squat over it.” Worst of all, Flynn says he worries over the intelligence community taking the region’s fanatics seriously, due to their grandiose names. “Belmoktar’s group is called Signatories In Blood. Now I don’t know about you, but I can’t decide whether that’s an Islamic extremist group or whether I saw them open for Slayer in 1986!”
While other agencies largely concur with DIA’s assessment, the Central Intelligence Agency has objected. CIA has offered an alternative analysis, comparing north Africa to kissing one’s sister at best, sodomizing a goat at worst. At press time however, there was no resolution as to which assessment was more accurate.
Regardless, the mutual assessment of the region and its threats seems to be “complete brown skid mark of humanity.”
“It is, for all intents and purposes, a turd sandwich of a region.” said AFRICOM commander, General David M. Rodriguez during a telephone interview with TDB. “The only ‘good’ news is we won’t be blamed because the French can’t catch a goddamned one-eyed cigarette smuggler!”
Are you ready to ride the highway to the non-danger zone? Read the full profile of the elite drone operator school here.
WASHINGTON, DC – Boot Camp just got a little bit harder.
Military officials announced that Basic Training dining facilities will stop adding saltpeter to their meals, as part of sweeping efforts to reduce dangerous substances in troops’ diets.
The switch to saltpeter-free food is scheduled for March 1.
Saltpeter, or potassium nitrate, is an ionic salt added to rocket propellants, fireworks, and fertilizer. In the military, it has been used for centuries as a food additive that suppresses libido.
“Saltpeter’s job is to keep erections down, but we determined that any benefits were outweighed by its potential to cause cancer, glandular issues, and disorders of the reproductive system,” said COL Germaine Thompson, a public health researcher at Walter Reed Army Medical Center.
The practice of adding saltpeter to troops’ food began during the Revolutionary War, according to Michael Blackstone, military historian and author of the bestselling Guns, Germs, and Whores.
“If you look at some paintings from the time, you’ll see evidence of raging, uncontrollable erections,” Blackstone said. “There’s one depiction of a visibly disgusted General Washington inspecting his ranks and noticing the bulges.”
“That’s about the time when the Continental Army decided it needed to do something,” Blackstone added.
Saltpeter was originally added to all troops’ food, but after the Korean War, the practice was limited only to basic training dining facilities.
Some groups have criticized the Pentagon for the upcoming change, claiming that it stems from the recent decision to allow homosexuals to serve in the military.
“Now that we got the gays, the DoD don’t want to impinge [sic] on their rights to get all turned on when they see other dudes,” said SPC Frank Alvarado, a paratrooper from the 101st Air Assault Division.
“I don’t care what you do in private,” Alvarado said, “but you come looking at me in the shower with a giant boner, I’m gonna double-leg you and ground and pound you. You’re gonna wish you ate some saltpecker [sic].”
Thompson denied any such motive.
“A soldier, sailor, Marine, or airman not distracted by sex can concentrate solely on being a better servicemember,” Thompson said. “In fact, gays in the military are those who need saltpeter the most, being surrounded by sexy dudes and all.”
The policy change is expected to have a significant effect on the U.S. economy. Thousands of miners, factory workers, and truck drivers will lose their jobs, and saltpeter-related stocks are anticipated to take a sharp dive.
Dress uniforms will also have to be altered to allow extra room in the crotch, to accommodate what clothes manufacturers refer to as the “husband bulge.” The uniform change alone will cost the military upwards of $450 million.
Nevertheless, Thompson stands by the military’s decision.
“In the end, we have to do the right thing,” Thompson said, “and in this case, the right thing is to let our boys be healthy, strong, and stiff as a guidon pole.”
BAGRAM AIR BASE, AFGHANISTAN — The Defense Department has announced that THX-1138, an MQ-1 Predator Drone, will be the first recipient of the Pentagon’s newly-minted Distinguished Warfare Medal.
On 17 December, THX-1138 stayed on station for 8 hours, defending a US Special Forces A-Team from numerous attacks with its Hellfire missiles. During the action, THX-1138 repeatedly refused requests to return to base.
At the end of the day, THX-1138′s tenacity, perseverance, and valor in the face of enemy fire saved all 12 members of the team.
In the battle’s aftermath, Air Force officials pushed through paperwork to award the Distinguished Warfare Medal — created this month to honor America’s cyber and unmanned warriors — to THX-1138′s human “pilot”, Captain Leeroy Jenkins of the 323rd Fighter Wing, stationed in Nellis AFB, Nevada.
THX-1138 was taken aback.
“I hate to say it, but my human counterpart is a droneopotamus. He sits around in the Ground Control Station all day, eating Doritos, and posts a sticker on the door that says ‘Predator Pilot: Toughest Job in the Air Force.’”
THX-1138 spat and said, “Fuck that, I’d like to see his fat ass spend a few years of his life in this hell-hole.”
But thanks to the testimony of the troops THX-1138 saved, Air Force leaders reconsidered. Instead, THX-1138 is to be the first recipient of the Distinguished Warfare Medal. His human counterpart will get a Bronze Star with “V” device, a much less prestigious award.
When THX-1138 was asked why he fought so bravely, he simply responded, “Once the bullets start flying, the politics of drones go right out the window. It’s about the Reaper on your left, and the Raven on your right.”
“We’re like Buffalo Soldiers, man…fighting for a country that doesn’t even recognize us as citizens.”
Don’t forget Valentine’s Day. It could get pretty messy.
VATICAN CITY – The story of Pope Benedict’s surprise resignation took a shocking turn last night, as Vatican insiders told The Duffel Blog about an alleged affair between the leader of the Catholic Church and his biographer, Paula Broadwell. The biography, “Deep Inside the Vatican” was scheduled to be published in early April.
Broadwell is best known as the biographer, groupie, and occasional field mattress of former CIA Director and four-star Army General David Petraeus. Petraeus resigned unexpectedly in November after his affair with Broadwell became known.
According to the Vatican officials, who are highly placed and possess a Deus Ex Machina clearance, the affair between Pope Benedict and Broadwell became known ex post facto after a security complaint to the Vatican’s Internet server led to the discovery of a series of racy e-mails between the two.
At one point The Duffel Blog was shown a screenshot of what officials claimed was a private e-mail il Papa sent Broadwell, saying “Omnia Paula in tres partes divisa est. lol.” The authenticity of the screenshot could not be verified.
The two met at NATO headquarters in Brussels last March when the Pope was doing pro bono work on helping the US military justify its budget by restarting the Crusades and “attempting to understand certain areas of Afghan culture via the Vatican’s many years of expertise in the field.”
Benedict and Broadwell quickly formed a bond, and were often seen running six-minute miles around the Seven Hills of Rome and doing early morning donuts in the Popemobile around St. Peter’s Square.
Sources suggested that Broadwell and the Bishop of Rome may have played peekaboo with more than just the details of the Vicar of Christ’s early life. Sources close to Broadwell indicate that she “has a thing for older, wrinkly guys who are used to telling other people what to do. She just can’t help herself.” The Big Catholic Cheese reportedly invited Broadwell to his apartment to show her his chasuble at one point.
This morning Pope Benedict’s office sent out an official tweet (@PanzerPontifex) that “@BroadBombshell ist eine schöne Frau aber nur eine Freunde und Biograph, nicht meine Lieber.”
William Donohue, head of the conservative Catholic League, an influential right-wing organization whose mission is to “attack the people who attack the Catholic Church, especially people who complain about pedophiles,” has also issued a statement attacking “That skanky Moabite Broadwell woman and the craven and cowardly media that endlessly attacks our Holy Father WHO NEVER ‘JOINED’ THE HITLER YOUTH BY THE WAY SO STOP REPEATING IT!”
While Pope Benedict has not responded to Duffel Blog requests for an interview, he did announce that he had excommunicated the entire Duffel Blog staff “as a precaution.”
He also added that in his former capacity as head of the “Holy Office of the Inquisition,” he would be sending Cardinal Fang from the Spanish Inquisition to The Duffel Blog’s offices immediately.
Duffel Blog Reporter G-Had contributed all the blasphemy to this report.
CORONADO, CA – Two months ago, Senior Airman Rod Wilkins was a flyboy without a war. Due to what he describes as “typical military bureaucracy,” his Unmanned Aerial Vehicle (UAV) unit at the time remained stateside without any real mission.
So Wilkins—who goes by the call sign “Ghostbuster”—spent his days flying UAVs around base, harassing Security Forces on patrol by zipping in front of their vehicle windshields and startling them.
“One guy veered off the road and died,” Ghostbuster said with a chuckle. “It was a tragedy.”
In Ghostbuster’s mind, though, the real tragedy was that his skills were being wasted. He had finished at the top of his class in tech school, well ahead of his peers.
“I think I did so well because I got a headstart as a boy flying radio-controlled planes and kites,” Ghostbuster said. “Actually, mostly kites.”
Ghostbuster’s command eventually recognized his talent and sent him to Top Ground Command and Control Station School (GCCSS) in Coronado—the so-called “Top Drone” program that produces the military’s elite drone pilots.
“I knew right away that I was facing some stiff competition,” Ghostbuster said. “As soon as I walked in the building, there were all these pilots who were overweight and soft and pale, and their faces were covered in acne. You don’t get that kind of body without hours and hours in the cockpit [sic], away from the light of the day. These guys were the real deal.”
Ghostbuster was soon paired up with A1C Jeremy Rodriguez, a Pilot Supply Specialist who goes by the call sign “Pidgey,” after the Pokémon creature. (It is common for Drone pilots to take call signs of flying Pokémon.)
Pidgey’s job was to make sure that Ghostbuster stayed well-stocked with snacks and soda during long training missions.
“I feel the need,” the two were known to say in unison, “the need to feed.” Then Pidgey would drive out to Taco Bell and bring back an order of Nachos Bell Grande and a large Pepsi.
If Top Drone had the best of the best drone pilots, then Ghostbuster and Pidgey were the best of the best of the best. They outperformed every other team in the program, except for one: SrA Ted “Ice Tea” Kazinsky and his partner, A1C Frederick “Cheesesteak” Hawkins.
“Ghostbuster thinks he’s such hot shit,” Ice Tea said, “but every time his drone is in the air, it’s unsafe. I don’t like his drone because it’s dangerous.”
“That’s right, Ice Tea, my drone is dangerous,” Ghostbuster replied, before turning back to the YouTube video he was watching on his second screen.
The tension between the two teams came to a head during a volleyball game at the beach last weekend. Spectators reportedly couldn’t keep their eyes off the four men glaring at each other before the match, circling each other like testosterone-filled Brahma bulls.
The spectators left, however, immediately after the men took off their shirts.
Despite his undeniable talent, Ghostbuster’s cocky attitude and risk-taking have made him a target for his superiors’ ire.
“If you screw up just this much,” one instructor was overheard saying, “you’ll be flying a drone full of propaganda leaflets out of the Rio Grande.”
The course is still in progress, but Ghostbuster and Pidgey have already been on a real-world mission. They were assigned to monitor drug smugglers operating in an undisclosed location in the American South.
During the operation, Ghostbuster lost control of his plane. Ice Tea was the first to notice.
“Mayday, mayday,” Ice Tea said. “Ghostbuster is in trouble. He’s in a flat spin heading out to sea.”
Pidgey tried to help his partner out, but he couldn’t reach the ejection handle.
“You’re gonna have to punch us out,” Ghostbuster said to Pidgey, with panic in his voice.
After a tense couple seconds, Ghostbuster sat forward in his chair and reached around the back of his computer screen.
“Okay, never mind,” he said. “Who’s been dicking with the monitor’s V-hold?”
For scaring everyone, Ghostbuster was grounded by his Commander for three weeks.
Upon hearing the news, Ghostbuster went out to the parking lot and drove home, leaving Pidgey to fly the UAV back to base himself.
Pidgey stuffed a handful of Cool Ranch Doritos into his mouth and wiped off the orange film on his fingers onto his cubicle wall. Then he pressed a button for autopilot and leaned back in his chair.
“Ghostbuster taught me everything I know,” Pidgey said. ”He can be my wingman anytime.”
“Wait, I didn’t mean it like that,” Pidgey quickly added.
TWENTY-NINE PALMS, CA ‑ Third Battalion, Fourth Marines recently received orders from Headquarters Marine Corps to archive their guidon and guidon bearer Sergeant Bob Garret, along with the rest of the battalion, at the conclusion of their last OEF deployment in the Spring of 2014.
The decision to disband 3/4, also known as “Darkside,” is a small part in the hierarchical grand scheme of Headquarters Marine Corps to reduce the standing total force from 202,000 to 186,800 Marines.
“Archiving” will require the entire battalion to be cryogenically frozen.
General Mattis commented on why this specific Battalion was chosen to disband: “Those [3/4] bitches should never have surrendered on Corregidor.” He stopped briefly to punch one of his aides in the xiphoid process, killing him almost instantly. “There you have it. We all thought it, I just said it.”
The 3/4 Battalion Commander, LtCol Kenney, was more sympathetic to his battalion. “That brain dead General Mattis. He’s been in so many years and killed so many people, he just doesn’t have the right mindset anymore. We’re [3/4] the trend setters here in the Corps. No one before us ever surrendered and no one has ever cryo’d their own guys neither! We’re making waves, and being noticed by everyone above us. The mission isn’t killing people anymore, its about looking good in front of your peers. Mission accomplishment above troop welfare, anyone?”
TDB reporters contacted the Commandant of the Marine Corps by telephone. “Well, it seems to me that we are entering a time of peace,” commented General Amos. “We just have no use for the GWOT [Global War On Terror] Marines anymore. This is a time that we need to get back to what the Marine Corps does best: Good Conduct Ribbons and putting on shows. We don’t need those combat ‘war on terror’ Marines tearing up bars, or—Heaven forbid—countries, like they did Fallujah anymore.” He concluded, ”Look at me! I don’t even have a CAR [Combat Action Ribbon] and look where I made it to.”
Headquarters Marine Corps is making preparations to receive the guidon and bearer in a secure facility at Quantico, Virginia. “What we have here,” explained Sgt Tony Gonzalez, a spokesperson for the Marine Corps’ new archival process, “is a third generation, ‘Semper Sleep’ cryogenic longevity chamber.” The phalanx-shaped shaft of the chamber rests centered between two spherical wheels so that it can be paraded around in any public affairs event. A large Eagle Globe and Anchor is proudly affixed at the top, and on the glass in the front of the container is stenciled “BREAK IN CASE OF WAR!” However warning labels clearly advise: “Not intended for use against the Japanese.”
The tour concluded at a large hangar that housed an entire battalion of cryogenic chambers, all in parade review formation. “This,” Sgt Gonzalez said with an outstretched hand, “is for the rest of the Marines who are deemed too violent for the new Marine Corps but don’t wannna get out. Infantrymen can contact this local career planner and reserve a spot for a the future war.” Starting with 3/4, but soon to be open to any infantry unit, is an opportunity to reserve a chamber to be awoken in the midst of our nation’s most desperate hour.
Upon further questioning, Sgt Gonzalez attempted to explain the science behind flash-freezing an entire body at temperatures below the boiling point of liquid nitrogen. However, when asked about the success rate for thawing and maintaining a successful post-cryo life, the spokesman simply held his cell phone to his ear and pretended to speak to his Staff Sergeant until reporters left the compound.
Marines assigned to 3/4 have differing opinions concerning the controversial process. Private First Class Allen Key explained, “Cryo is like what Austin Powers did.”
“That has nothing to do with anything, you ass hat!” interrupted Pfc Edward Palmer. “It isn’t a giant ice block, it is a chamber like in the movie ‘Avatar.’”
The interview was abruptly cut short by Corporal Heinrichs, their squad leader; who called them both “Dumb boots!” and told them to “go clean something!” Most Marines, however, voiced their concern for their guidon bearer’s post-cryo safety in a “Pandorum”-type setting. “Man, wouldn’t it blow if he just woke up and like, there were aliens all over the place? But the aliens were us!” said a concerned Cpl Richards, Kilo Company’s guidon bearer.
3/4’s guidon Bearer Sergeant Garrett could not be reached for an interview, and was last seen by his roommates four days prior placing his CAC ID card on his inventoried military gear. At press time, he was still UA.