February 2013

New Marine Ready to Tell His Story, Pens Memoir About Bootcamp

CAMP PENDLETON, CA – One of the most anticipated military stories of the past decade will arrive in bookstores June 14th, Flag Day. National Defense… Medal: My Journey through the Frontlines of a Marine Corps Recruit Depot, by Private First Class Nick Rattee, will be published by Random House Books. It has received considerable advance praise. David Brooks calls [...]

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Facing Mass Layoffs, Taliban Protest US Sequester

by Tony

QUETTA, PAKISTAN – As the United States rapidly approaches the deadline for sequestration, President Obama is getting support from an unlikely quarter: Taliban spiritual leader Mullah Muhammad Omar. In a video released today, Taliban spokesman Zabibullah Mujahid read a statement from the group’s supreme leader: ”I, Mullah Muhammad Omar, Emir of the Taliban, Commander of the Boy Brigades, Custodian of the [...]

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Typo Leads To Creation Of $179M Gorilla Warfare Program

by Dark Laughter

CRESCENT CITY, CA — The Department of Defense has confirmed accusations that a $179 million military training program for mountain gorillas was created based on a spelling error in an email between two high ranking Army officers, according to official sources. The admission follows over a year of denials, which were originally sparked by a [...]

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Battalion S1 Manages To Mention Her Bronze Star In Every Conversation

by da kine

BOSTON, MA – The top administrative soldier at the Massachusetts Army National Guard’s 215th Military Police Battalion never misses an opportunity to mention her Bronze Star citation during conversations both on and off duty, according to official sources. Captain Lori Stewart, the battalion S1 officer, earned the award last year on deployment to Afghanistan. “Captain [...]

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Department of Defense To Announce ‘Wear a Condom You Idiots’ Campaign

by drew

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The Pentagon is planning to announce a new sexual health campaign, titled “Goddamn it, Wear a Condom You Idiots,” on Tuesday. The move comes amid reports that 10 percent of servicewomen have unintended pregnancies per year, and 75 percent of Navy pregnancies were unplanned. Officials were shocked that the numbers were so low. “We [...]

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Soldier Extends For Ninth Consecutive Tour Because She ‘Likes To Feel Pretty’

by Merrick

BAGRAM AIRFIELD — A female Army private is proud to receive some recognition today, after media outlets learned that she holds the record for longest-serving soldier in Afghanistan. Private Amanda Holder, standing at five feet tall and a hundred and seventy-two pounds, spoke candidly to Duffel Blog reporters. The 27-year old soldier was only 19 when [...]

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HISTORIC: First Mother, Son to Attend Infantry School Together

by Ron

FT. BENNING, GA – Like most of his peers, Private Jack Jerrelsen has been sternly reprimanded for his shortcomings during Infantry training. Stand up straight. What are you doing coming out here with your uniform wrinkly like that? You call that making your bunk? But for the 17-year-old Washington native, the source of those criticisms [...]

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General Worried About Finding Job As Lobbyist, Defense Consultant After Retirement

by Paul

CAMP SMITH, HI — Sources revealed today that a top U.S. Marine General is “extremely hesitant” about plans for his possible retirement, indicating a greater problem with military transition assistance programs. Gen. John Murphy, the former commander of Fleet Marine Forces-Pacific, is looking toward a future in the private sector, but he says he may [...]

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