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Marines Break Division Record For Alcohol-Related Incidents On St. Patricks Day

CAMP PENDLETON, CA — A company commander in 1st Battalion, 1st Marine Regiment is having to face his superiors today after his platoon set a new record in 1st Marine Division for alcohol-related incidents within a twenty-four hour period.

Marine Captain Jimmy O’Sullivan, of Olmos Park, Texas, is trying to find answers after his company suffered such a swift and violent breakdown of order.

“My parents were born in Belfast and I’m a proud Irish-American,” the 27 year-old officer told Duffel Blog. “We were going to do some training on Saturday, but I thought it would be good to give my boys the day off before St. Patrick’s Day. You know, to let them somberly reflect on the Irish experience in America. So I gave them some simple instructions: ‘You may have the day off as long as you wear your green cammies everywhere you go and try to celebrate Gaelic culture to the best of your ability. Everybody is Irish today.”

The accumulation of incidents began early Saturday morning.

“Shit was cray-cray,” said Lance Corporal Adrian Binkley, one of O’Sullivan’s Marines who had just been dropped off at his barracks room after a night in a San Clemente jail cell. “We all woke up around 0700, put our uniforms on, and headed to Hennessy’s where we enjoyed a traditional Irish meal of potatoes and alcohol. After that, everything became a big green blur.”

Binkley’s roommate, Lance Corporal Tyrone McManus, told Duffel Blog what he recalled.

“I was really excited to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day, being that I’m Black Irish and all,” said the Detroit, MI native. “Around noon, we had made our way over to Ole’s Tavern, but Binkley got into a scuffle with some police after the bartender told him he already had too much to drink. All I remember is it took about fifteen officers to subdue him and he kept screaming, ‘They took me Lucky Charms, they took me Lucky Charms… Erin go fuck yourself, you Saxon pigs!’”

“Oh, yeah … now I remember,” Binkley interrupted. “I was pissed because they cut me off, even though they served Staff Sergeant Ortiz, like, twenty Bloody Sundaes.”

“Dude, they were called Bloody Marys,” McManus responded.

Division JAG officers are still trying to tally the number of O’Sullivan’s Marines who are currently incarcerated or absent without authorization.

“It looks like I’ll be taking command of the company,” said the company’s executive-officer, 1st Lieutenant Austin White. “And since my grandparents lived on Shankill Road, I think these assholes, with their knew-found Irish pride, will be happy when I have them singing ‘Croppies Lie Down’ for cadence on Monday.”

“I’m done with these little bastards,” he added. “I just got back from notifying the battalion commander that we can’t find Staff Sergeant Ortiz anywhere. The last anyone saw him, he had just punched a ninety-year old World War II veteran in the face.”

LCpl McManus recalls when he last saw SSgt Javier Ortiz, one of the company’s respected platoon sergeants.

“Somehow we all ended up at Wal-Mart at two in the morning,” he said. “He [Ortiz] was really belligerent at that point. I think he was really excited because he spent fifty dollars to change all his nametapes to read ‘ORtiz,’ but ended up losing it after the greeter questioned the validity of his Irish heritage. So they start getting into it and Staff Sergeant Ortiz calls the guy a ‘British devil’ and socks him in the face, then runs off yelling, ‘Éire go deo, pinchi gringo!”

According to NCIS investigators, the current incident tally includes seventeen UA, eight hospitalized with minor injuries, five hospitalized with serious injuries, ten in various jails around the Southern California area, and one crying Marine who showed up to a renowned plastic surgeon’s doorstep at four in the morning, desperately begging the doctor “to turn me into a woman.” The rest of the company has been placed on barracks restriction.

As charges mount and Marines continue to be unaccounted for, Captain O’Sullivan admits he made some mistakes as a leader.

“Yeah, I should have never allowed them to wear their cammies off base, much less give them the day off. I just thought that by allowing my light, medium, and dark green Marines to go out in uniform, they would share in the spirit of Gaelic green … but they blew it. This is the biggest embarrassment for Irish-Americans since Chappaquiddick.”

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