USS MOULIN ROUGE (LHD-9) — The 15th Marine Expeditionary Unit is being forced to return two months early from its deployment to the western Pacific after suffering the highest percentage of non-combat related casualties in American history, officials reported Monday.
With 93 percent of Marines bedridden and unfit for duty, the MEU was recalled after being deemed combat ineffective.
“Life on this ship is worse than Iraq,” said one Marine, speaking on condition of anonymity.
Seaman Jessica Roberts is being charged with treason and possession of a biological weapon after medical officials determined the sailor to be responsible for the most atrocious case of blue-on-green assault to date. Roberts, known by colleagues as the “Marine Trampoline,” pled guilty to 1,907 counts of fornication, lewd behavior and dereliction of duty, though firmly attesting she had “no idea [her] vagina was capable of that.”
Blood and urine samples collected from infected Marines and patient zero were sent to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention for analysis — revealing the abhorrent amalgamation of countless venereal diseases in the form of an abomination scientists could only dub “Super AIDS.”
“The symptoms appear to be congruent with those of other sexually-transmitted infections,” said Dr. James Weeder. “But the compounding nature of Super AIDS pretty much makes it the worst thing you could ever possibly want inside of your dick.”
Hospital Corpsman Second Class Joshua Gibson performed the initial examination on Roberts. Describing the sailor’s nether region as a “weapon of mass destruction,” Gibson told reporters, “it was like … an unholy union between the Sarlaac and the Eye of Sauron… It was… it was… ” At this point, Gibson broke down and was reduced to unintelligible blather.
Gibson’s superiors later divulged that he will be processed out of the Navy for severe post-traumatic stress.
When investigators questioned how something so horrendous could go unnoticed for so long, they interrogated Roberts’ immediate supervisor. “That chick could skate like a champion,” said the anonymous Chief. “It was never too hard to find her, though. You just had to find a line of Marines who weren’t waiting for chow.”
Col. Jim Grossman was startled by his Marines’ actions.
“Here we are, standing watch in hostile waters, a bastion of freedom and democracy, ready to defend our country at a moment’s notice, and the only beachhead my Marines assaulted was this sailor’s cooch,” said Grossman. “I wouldn’t be surprised if Chesty himself descended from Valhalla and ripped all their dicks off before bludgeoning them to death with their own junk. Honestly, though, they’ll probably fall off first. I hear that Super AIDS is some seriously fucked up shit.”
Moulin Rouge’s Commanding Officer, Capt. Wes Furlong, proved to be more sympathetic to the plight of the Marines. “We will never forget the service members who lost their members in Iwo ‘Gina.”
The Department of Defense announced its intent to launch a revamped sexual education campaign in the wake of Super AIDS.
Although Roberts’ fate is pending court-martial, sailors and unaffected Marines alike are silently hailing her as an antihero for their early homecoming.
As one Corporal bluntly stated, “Dude, WESTPAC blows.”