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Opinion: To Really Understand Sexual Assault, You’ve Gotta Slap A Woman’s Ass At Least Once

The following is an opinion piece written by Lt. Col. Jeffrey Krusinski, the Chief of the Air Force Office of Sexual Assault & Prevention.

Look, guys, I know this looks bad. But there’s a perfectly logical explanation for all this.

You see, I’m just as committed to eliminating sexual assault as you are. That’s why I had to go downtown to the Crystal City Strip…erm…Restaurant to do some first-hand research.

If you really think about it, how am I supposed to stop the problem with sexual assault if I don’t have first-hand experience in the matter? Can you honestly call me an expert — or the Chief of Sexual Assault Prevention & Response — if I haven’t sexually assaulted anyone myself?

I’m glad you’re seeing it my way. I’ve got subordinates that look up to me, you know.

Clearly I don’t have a history of sexual assault stretching back years … so I had to see for myself what the fuss was all about.

Did you know that 89 percent of sexual assaults involve alcohol? So naturally, I made sure to get nice and loaded first.

I realized that one of the key contributing factors to sexual assault is a work environment which objectifies women. I’m happy to report we don’t have a work environment like that in the U.S. Air Force — after all, I led the task force to confiscate all that workplace porn a few months ago.

When we did the confiscations, we had to think, ‘is it pornography or is it not pornography?’ It was a complicated question, until I came up with a simple litmus test — does looking at it help me masturbate?

Most of that porn did wind up in my own personal stash, but let’s not split hairs here. The point is, I kept it out of the wrong hands.

Anyway, I went down to the local gentlemen’s club to see what real objectification of women looked like.

After a thorough investigation, I thought I’d see what things looked like on the other side of the fence at Freddie’s Beach Bar and Restaurant.

So when I was out in the parking lot, I approached a woman and decided to chat her up.

I’m all for telling the Air Force story.  So, I decided to sing a few bars of the Air Force anthem…

“At ‘er boys, give ‘er the gun!”

I don’t know what came over me … because as soon as I uttered those words, I felt this incredible urge to grab her tits.

But it wasn’t just that. I think I slapped her ass at least once. After all, I was gathering crucial scientific data on sexual assault. You understand that, don’t you?

The real problem here is that she actually hit me — in the face! Can you believe that? She actually assaulted a researcher with the government of the United States.

Needless to say, I’ll be pressing charges.

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