TAMPA, FL — Sources have learned that Bravo has begun filming a new reality series which is tentatively titled “The Real Housewives of CENTCOM.” The show will follow the wives of high-ranking military and civilian officials working at the military’s Central Command, which has responsibility for the Middle East and is headquartered in Tampa, Fla.
Similar to “The Hills” or “Here Comes Honey Boo-Boo,” the show will be “semi-scripted,” which in the reality TV world is generally understood to mean that events are not scripted ahead of time, but will sometimes be reshot or stage-managed in order to provide viewers a more concise and comprehensive viewing experience.
Primary cast members include: Bethanee “Bitsy” Perkins, the wife of 3-star Navy Admiral Fitzwilliam “Porky” Perkins; Patricia “Trish” Lorenzetti, the wife of Marine Lt. Gen. Lorenzo Lorenzetti; Elizabeth “Lovey” Higenbotham and Chastity Sidnow, wife and mistress, respectively, of 4-star Army Gen. Adolphus Higenbotham, III; Jillian Yancy, wife of the civilian CENTCOM Assistant Chief of Staff Mr. James Yancy; Jaedyn “JJ” Joyce, wife of 3-star Air Force General Kevin Joyce; and Vanessa Hardcastle and Mae Lin Soon, wife and mistress, respectively, of Marine Gen. (Ret.) Emerson Hardcastle.
Creator and Executive Producer is Clarence Somers, the creator of former wildly successful hits such as “Secret Service Bordello Confessionals” and “My Sweet Government Accountability Office Vegas Party.”
Showrunner Cathy Whitehall is coming off three seasons with “Justice Department Follies,” a little-known late-night show on HBO which followed hapless Justice employees as they tried unsuccessfully to investigate and prosecute cases deemed politically sensitive.
“The Real Housewives of CENTCOM” is still a closely-guarded property — the network has not even released a trailer or photographs — but the Duffel Blog was able to obtain several pages of episode transcripts, detailed below.
Page Fifteen, Episode Four
GENERAL LORENZETTI is in his private SCIF on the second floor of CENTCOM HQ, authorizing a JDAM strike to assist a 4-man SEAL team who have come under fire in an undisclosed location. His wife, TRISH LORENZETTI, enters carrying a letter. Gen. Lorenzetti’s aide, MAJOR SAM HUGHES, attempts to stop Trish in the outer office.
HUGHES: Ma’am, this is a secure location. We’ve got troops in contact.
TRISH: Don’t give me that crap. This is important. She brushes past Hughes.
LORENZETTI: Oh, that feels—Trish! What are you—how nice to see you, babycakes! What can I do for you? Smiling broadly.
TRISH: Hey sweetheart, you’re not busy, are you?
LORENZETTI: Over the sound of gunfire and screams over the radio. Not at all! What can I do for you?
TRISH: Well, you know, Danielle is having this awful custody battle with Mark.
LORENZETTI: Your sister?
TRISH: Yes, my sister. What other Danielle do you know?
TRISH: Anyway, you know, the breakup with Mark, and they have this custody thing over who’s going to keep Jason—
LORENZETTI: The Pomeranian?
TRISH: Of course. So anyway, the judge is leaning towards Mark because of that whole misunderstanding when Danielle was in that home…
LORENZETTI: You mean the asylum.
TRISH: That’s insensitive, babe. Come on.
LORENZETTI: She did commit arson and incite a riot inside a federal building, hon. There’s a reason she has a record.
TRISH: You’re starting to sound just like Mark. Men are all alike.
LORENZETTI: Sorry, honey. You’re right. How can I help?
TRISH: If you can just sign this letter saying she’s upstanding and that you trust her completely around our kids and stuff …
LORENZETTI: Babe, you don’t trust her around our kids. You told Consuela to not even let her in the house if we’re not home.
TRISH: Well, the judge doesn’t need to know that.
On the radio, the SEAL team leader starts screaming for help again.
LORENZETTI: Look, hon, I have a thing here. I gotta—here, just give me the letter. He signs it and hands it back across the desk.
TRISH: Thanks, sweetheart. Will I see you at the Sinclair’s dinner party tonight, or will I have to take Lance again?
LORENZETTI: I’ll try to make it, hon. You know, if I wasn’t so sure Lance is gay, I’d be jealous.
TRISH: Yes. Gay. Yes.
LORENZETTI: Well, I’ll see you later. Love you.
TRISH: Kisses. She leaves.
ELIZABETH “LOVEY” HIGENBOTHAM: Climbing up from under the desk, wiping her mouth and straightening her hair. That was close.
Page Five, Episode Two
BITSY PERKINS, VANESSA HARDCASTLE, and JJ JOYCE are sitting in silk robes sipping mimosas in a spa’s waiting room, where they will receive their weekly pedicure/manicure/facial/dermabrasion/Brazilian waxing/anal bleaching. This week, Bitsy is treating the other girls as a thank-you for driving her out of state on short notice. The spa attendant brings back Bitsy’s husband’s Government Travel Card and a tray of fresh drinks.
VANESSA: Thanks again for paying for this, Bitsy.
JJ: Yeah, girlfriend, you’re the best.
BITSY: No problem, ladies. You did me a favor, after all.
VANESSA: Hardly a favor. It was a nice little mini-vay-cay. Even if you did have to have that…you know, discreet procedure done.
BITSY: Ugh. Don’t tell me about it. I was sore for like two days. Couldn’t even dance much at the wine mixer that night.
VANESSA: I remember you cutting a rug pretty good.
JJ: Yeah, and didn’t I see you sneaking out with Colonel Westerweldt?
BITSY: Well, it was the wine mixer. It would have been impolite to our hosts to not drink the wine.
The ladies giggle.
VANESSA: So did Porky ever find out? Are you going to tell him?
BITSY: Pfft. What for. He’s more concerned with calling Tommy’s teachers at the Point and yelling at them for giving him tours. Porky’s not worried about my health.
JJ: Is Tommy having trouble?
BITSY: Eh. Nothing a good talking-to from a superior—rank and social—won’t fix. These stupid instructors think that just because they won some shiny medals because they did something stupid in the desert, they have the right to tell a general’s son he’s out of line. Half of them don’t even belong to Who’s Who, and you know you’ve never seen them on Page Six.
VANESSA: I hate them. Em has to deal with them all the time. You just can’t teach breeding and class. I used to want to believe differently, but after being around them so much, I know it now.
JJ: Hey, not to change the subject, but do you think I should get a tattoo?
BITSY: Oooh, I do! I love mine! She pulls open her robe, exposing her left buttock, where she has a pink dolphin tattooed. Colonel Westerweldt likes it too.
VANESSA: Yeah, he liked it so much we had to drive you to that clinic.
The ladies all giggle again.
“The Real Housewives of CENTCOM” does not yet have a firm premier date but Bravo executives speaking under the condition of anonymity have confirmed that the date will fall somewhere in early Fall of 2013.
Can you help us? We aren't some gigantic media corporation. Duffel Blog is literally just one guy editing a bunch of articles written by military contributors — all on a shoestring budget. If you love what we do, please donate a few bucks to keep our doors open. Even the smallest amount is a big help.