RANCHO MIRAGE, CA — Following joint U.S.-China talks Friday, Barack Obama and Xi Jinping released a new joint declaration of principles that stated the two countries had agreed that they were in total disagreement on basically all issues of governance, had essentially no common interests in spite of being economically intertwined, and would continue to attempt to undermine each other at every turn by any means necessary.
However, it also stated that the leaders had agreed that this rivalry to the death would not impact the two countries’ fundamental good relations, and that China and the United States hoped to continue to enjoy each other’s friendship while attempting to destroy one another. Speaking to press afterwards about what prompted the decision, the two stated that the breakthrough came while talking about North Korea.
"I was pressing him about China's backing of North Korea," said Obama, "and we were both feeling very frustrated. Finally, he said "stop asking me for things you know I can't give you. You know the situation. Our support for North Korea is just geopolitics ...we hate those crazy, embarrassing assholes and they hate us right back. It's like the opposite of our relationship with you."
"I asked him what he meant, and he said that even though China is a direct and active rival of the U.S. that wants to see us crumble in the long term, they still view the United States with great affection and respect," he added.
"That was when we had our breakthrough, because it dawned on me that's exactly how Americans think of China as well. We're like the Smiths and Joneses, two basically good neighbors who are in friendly competition that won't end until one of them is dead and the other is crying on their grave, probably while also pissing on it."
"When China looks at the United States, we're amazed at how similar our people are," said Xi. "Generous, optimistic, hard-working, xenophobic, envious, and arrogant. When we compare your pluralist plutocracy to ours, we sometimes think the only way it could be better is if you were Chinese as well."
Under the terms of the agreement, China will continue to make cyberattacks on U.S. businesses and government agencies, but the U.S. will initiate similar attacks on the personal computers of Chinese officials in search of evidence of corruption, which they will then leak to the Chinese public. Both countries agreed to deny all knowledge of these activities when discovered in order to prevent awkwardness that might impact their friendship.
Regarding the theft of advanced military designs, Obama said he was willing to overlook it in the interest of moving forward diplomatically.
"Let's be honest," he said, "they're plans for the F-35 and Expeditionary Fighting Vehicle. China would do more damage to itself by building them than any of these vehicles would ever do to us on the battlefield."
With the resolution on cyberattacks, the two were able to subsequently achieve a stunning string of additional agreements, such as on economics, climate change, and security.
"It is agreed that we will continue to buy up U.S. debt to artificially weaken our currency and encourage trade," said Xi, "but we will no longer attempt to scare our friends in America by pretending that there is any way to use this as leverage to attain military objectives without also destroying the economy of China."
"For our part, we will continue to allow your currency manipulation," said Obama, "and we will no longer talk about finding ways to coerce you into complying with climate change initiatives. Instead, we will continue to sell you coal to fuel your ongoing cancer epidemic, and we will continue to subject your imports to transparent consumer protection standards, then release the shocking results to your people via the internet."
"It is agreed that the United States will continue to meddle in the affairs of China's neighbors, to include propping up the Province of Taiwan," said Xi. "We hope you have no problems with sexual assaults by your troops in Japan, Australia, and Vietnam. We will happily postpone our inevitable hegemony in Southeast Asia while waiting on the United States to alienate allies through off base incidents and eventually run out of money for foreign adventures. We can use that time to focus on developing our influence in the west."
"On behalf of the American people, we wish you the best of luck there, and hope that your Hui Muslim population makes many new friends," chuckled Obama.
When asked for more details about what this new declaration would mean for the military and intelligence communities, the two pledged greater cooperation.
"We talked about it, and we'd like to see our militaries train together more often. We can both agree that we want stability, so we need to ensure that we have buy-in from these potentially destabilizing and more belligerent factions," said Obama.
"Joint training is a simple solution," offered Xi. "These higher level commanders like getting plaques and medals that provide them with legitimacy, and joint training is the best way to do that without sending them to war. Also, joint training would be an excellent opportunity for our intelligence services to recruit assets and steal sensitive data."
"Not to mention a great chance to expose Chinese intelligence personnel to American freedoms, and get them to start thinking about how to betray their bosses and jump ship to go live in Canada or Australia when China finally implodes," added Obama.
The two then shook hands, and left to play another round of golf before the night's pig roast, laughing like old friends.