WEST POINT, NY — In light of a massive scandal, the superintendent of the U.S. Military Academy has been allowed to stay on until the end of the academic year due to a key feline witness crumbling under interrogation, sources confirmed Friday.
According to a heavily-redacted inspector general’s report, Lt. Gen. David H. Huntoon, Jr. improperly forced subordinates to work at charity events, give driving lessons, feed a friend’s cat, and give him back rubs during stressful days at the office. Huntoon provided compensation for personal favors in the form of Starbucks gift cards ranging in value from $20 to $40, but more commonly: a stern warning to not say anything or “he would shoot them in the face.”
“There were also unconfirmed reports of him being fed grapes and fanned by personal servants ” said a source speaking on condition of anonymity.
Although the general’s behavior was deemed inappropriate — most of the forced activities are only reserved for seniors at West Point — the inspector general allowed him to avoid punishment.
“You know how cats are,” said Huntoon to investigators. “This cat wanted to be fed regardless if it said so or not.”
The report noted that the cat “refused to give a statement for investigators and was seen after the incident being fed by other soldiers.”
Gen. Evan Lucas, the inspector general, did however find a “logical reason” why Huntoon would force cadets to give driving lessons.
“General Huntoon had females on his staff, both civilian and members of the military,” Lucas told Duffel Blog. “Any reasonable person would demand they be given driving lessons by men. Have you tried driving around West Point in winter? Damn women drivers [redacted]. The allegations are founded and justified.”
While much of the report related to the charity work Huntoon forced subordinates to participate in is redacted, one sentence gives some clue to the nature and extent of their involvement: “[redacted] fantasy football draft located at [redacted]. [redacted] were to ensure ‘nobody took more than two minutes’ for a pick, especially the [redacted] kicker”
Lucas determined Huntoon could keep his job, but said, “$20 at Starbucks is inadequate for compensation. Have you seen the price for a vente? Lt. Gen. Huntoon will pay [redacted] for a total of $1,815 based on prevailing hourly labor wages. But at least he offered to buy them breakfast.”