FORT BRAGG, NC — A company commander with Echo Co., 2nd Battalion, 505th Parachute Infantry Regiment has locked himself in his office and refused to come out after his psyche was apparently shattered by the loss of his treasured Federal Supply Service green notebook, sources confirmed Thursday.
“At first it was a normal day,” said 1st Sgt. Joseph Quincy, standing near a group of concerned officers and soldiers gathered around Capt. Eugene Reilly’s bolted door. “But then the CO started taking a little longer than usual coming out to PT formation. I mean, he’s usually moseying out like five or 10 minutes late, but this was a little ridiculous.”
Quincy told reporters the distraught commander finally came out to the company area “with a dead look in his eyes” and began mumbling.
“He just kept repeating ‘It’s over. It’s gone.’ Then the CO just sprints back into his office, slams the door and starts crying.”
According to Executive Officer Lt. Patrick Conrad, who carried on a brief conversation with the stricken commander through the window, Reilly has succumbed to a Dadaesque epiphany of the futility of life and the fallen nature of the world.
Notes on unit letterhead retrieved by Duffel Blog that Reilly reportedly shoved through the crack under his door contain scribbled verses of tormented absurdist prose, sketches of evanescent green notebooks being implacably torn apart by the vengeful talons of memory, and quotes from Dostoyevsky’s The Brothers Karamazov.
Fortunately for all involved, Specialist Karl Bradley had recently gone through a mandatory two-day interactive Applied Suicide Intervention Skills Training (ASIST). He managed to stabilize the situation by asking the company commander if he was planning on killing himself. This sent Reilly into a verbose circumlocutory on man’s futile search for meaning he had gleaned from Myth of Sisyphus.
The temporary setback was only halted when Bradley, in a valiant attempt to save his superior, poked his anti-suicide Act, Care, Escort (ACE) card underneath the door.
Upon reception of the card Capt. Reilly shrieked, “if God is dead, all is permitted!” before hurling himself out of his first story office window.