JOINT BASE LEWIS-MCCHORD, WA — A soldier in the 2nd Stryker Brigade is being investigated for misuse of government property after it was discovered that he had used his additional duty position of obstacle course NCOIC for personal gain.
Staff Sergeant Paul Harris, 28, has been charged after it was discovered that he renamed the series of wood and wire obstacles to ‘The Spartan Dash’ and subsequently hosted ‘Warrior Races’ for civilians on the installation.
Harris’ plan was uncovered after his platoon sergeant noticed the young E-6 had purchased a 2013 Corvette, in cash, despite having no source of income outside the Army. Harris was then seen spending thousands of dollars at local bars and strip clubs in both the Tacoma and Seattle areas. Although suspicious, his leadership was unable to find the source of his cash until Lt. Michael Stevens, the Brigade Staff duty officer, responded to a report of a large crowd on post just inside the east gate on a Sunday afternoon.
When he investigated further, the lieutenant was stunned to see hundreds of civilians covered in mud, milling around the parking lot next to the O-course, hanging all over each other and taking Instagram photos.
“It was absolutely crazy. I mean, I was driving around, doing my security checks,” said Stevens. “The post was completely deserted, like it always is on weekends, and suddenly I drive into this mob of people. It took a minute to see what was happening. That’s when it really got weird.”
When pressed for clarification, Stevens said, “They were just running the fucking obstacle course. That’s it. Hundreds of them. Someone had set up some crappy speakers near the start and finish lines that were playing AC/DC over and over again.”
Other witnesses said it sounded like they were using the “same shitty music track” that they’ve issued for every unit run since 9/11.
“Two oil drums were on fire to the left and right of the start point, plus there were posters scattered all over the place,” Stevens went on to describe. “‘Warrior’ this, ‘Endurance that’, and I’m pretty sure I saw the word ‘Spartan’ about 60 times. All the signs looked like they were just modified versions of the lame-ass 7th ID moto-posters they make us put everywhere for espirit de corps or to prevent sexual harassment.”
The officer chuckled at the memory of it all.
“That was when I saw Harris. He was straddling the middle log of the ‘Weaver’ obstacle, wearing what looked like some Roman costume, helmet and all. The guy had a bullhorn and was just verbally abusing everyone who went past him. All these hot girls and skinny hipster, covered in mud and sweat, and they’re all smiling. That guy is a damn genius.”
The Lieutenant pulled a card out of his pocket. “Check this out,” he said, holding up the card for reporters:
SPARTAN WARRIOR ADVENTURE RUN SUPREME ENDURANCE CHALLENGE EVENT: $100 Entry fee.
“That’s it. Just gave these things out around town and the morons showed up by the busload. Best part is, he didn’t even do anything! It’s the exact same course we put our guys through every month. Change the name, let some Liberal Arts major from Seattle take a picture covered in mud when it’s over, and the dumbasses will pay you $100 for the privilege.”
He then crumpled the card and flung it to the ground in disgust. When asked if Stevens was angry to see Harris abuse Army property like that, he said, “Hell no. I’m pissed because I didn’t think of it first!”