FORT LEWIS, WA — A new Army study conducted by Specialist Lance Thompson, an 11B infantryman and amateur female sociologist serving in the 4th Stryker Brigade Combat Team, has determined that every girl in the 504th Military Police Battalion is obviously a lesbian whore.
His study, conducted through exhaustive research and on-site observation of the women, was completed last Friday night after his latest field experiment at Jack’s Pub in downtown Tacoma, Wash.
Thompson, a balding 37-year-old 5 foot, 2 inch divorcee with severe acne, explained the scientifically precise methods used for observation during the course of his year-long study.
“I’d watch these sluts get all dressed up in their rooms. I could tell they were all hooking up with each other because they’d blast music to cover up the sounds of their sex orgy,” said Thompson from his laboratory in barracks room 341. “I could hear the music all the way outside in the hallway of their barracks in the utility locker where I hid, waiting for them to come out. They obviously knew what they were doing was wrong, since they’d also keep their blinds down to prevent observation from the large tree outside their windows.”
The astute researcher also detailed his observations of the lesbians and their interactions in social situations.
“Once they’d all get to a club, they’d only dance together, clustering at the bar and rejecting free drinks from men. One time I came up to the hottest one with a monster long-island ice tea and tried to put it down in front of her. Instead of accepting the generous offer she just rolled her eyes and turned back towards her skank friends. I was so angry I spilled some of the drink all over my new Tap-Out shirt.”
Most damning of all for the women, Thompson claimed, was their absolute refusal to engage in any type of sexual intercourse, verifying his suspicions about the soldier’s sexual orientations.
“I followed a few of them back to the restroom on several occasions, giving them the opportunity to have sex with me, or at least initiate fellatio inside the stall, but instead they were so disturbed by the sight of my erect penis that they screamed and ran out, back into the arms of their dyke girlfriends. After that they only went to the restroom in groups.”
“Probably to have sex with each other,” he concluded.
Thompson looked down at his detailed research packet, a stained notebook filled with crude drawings and printouts of iPhone pictures showing the women in various states of undress, searching for his thesis summary.
“Oh yeah, here it is. The final piece of evidence. Last Friday, after every single one of those bitches rejected the tray of jello shots I brought to them, they actually had the bouncer by the door grab me when I tried to follow them out to their cab so I could continue my observations. Clearly they didn’t want me to see them start finger-blasting each other in back of the taxi.”
The veteran sociologist closed his research notes and smirked triumphantly. “This proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that every girl in the 504th Military Police Battalion is obviously a lesbian whore.”
At press time, Thompson could not be reached for further comment after being arrested in an LA Fitness women’s locker room for conducting research into the personal trainer’s proclivities for ‘soapy lesbian shower parties’.
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