WASHINGTON D.C. — Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel is preparing for a whirlwind of travel across the U.S. this week, to include stops at military bases, strip clubs, the Burning Man festival, and a trip to a tattoo parlor to get “sleeved out”, according to a Pentagon spokesperson.
“The secretary really feels he needs to get out there and see the troops firsthand,” said George Little to reporters, “although I wish it wasn’t right next to them at the strip clubs and used car lots, but he’s the boss.”
Hagel may appear professional when he’s on Capitol Hill, but “when you work hard, you play hard,” Hagel wrote in his autobiography, ‘Murican Badass: The Life and Times of Chuckie H. “I didn’t get the nickname ‘Don’t Give a Fuck Chuck’ for no reason while attending the University of Nebraska.”
The first stop on Hagel’s itinerary is the annual Burning Man festival, which takes place in the Black Rock desert of Nevada.
“Well, you know, in the past I’ve dressed up in a tutu with a tie dye shirt, but there were too many posers doing that shit, so this year I’m going all out,” said Hagel of his plans for the festival, which is known for radical self-expression. “I’m gonna be an ass-clown. Straight up dude, I’m going to wear nothing but my birthday suit with a clown face on my ass. It’s going to be epic!”
After he leaves Burning Man, Hagel plans on stopping by Ft. Hood to visit the troops. The secretary will eat lunch with soldiers stationed at the base, then also plans on taking them out to the strip club afterwards, drinking heavily, and trying to pull the “I’m the SECDEF bitch, let me the fuck in” card as he drives intoxicated back through the front gate.
Hagel may also visit with writers of Duffel Blog at their annual meeting in the California desert.
“I’ve heard all they do is get shithoused, blow stuff up, and shoot stuff with large caliber weapons,” Hagel said. “Certainly sounds like my kind of party.”
Last stop on the trip is to visit Hagel’s best friend and tattoo artist Ben Tatoin.
“I think I’m going to get my whole arm and hand tatted out like a suit of armor. You know, I’m the iron fist of the Armed Forces. If you fuck with ‘Merica or my troops, I’ll use that fist to cunt punch you.”
After a day or two of recovery at home, Hagel said he would be ready to get back to the grind at the Pentagon.