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Opinion: Sexual Assault Is A Greater Threat To Freedom Than The Third Reich

The following is a transcript from a press briefing at The Pentagon given by Gen. Ray Odierno, the Chief of Staff of the United States Army.

Ladies and Gentlemen, before I get to the main point of my remarks, I’d like to touch on some things. First off, I have no comment on the DoD’s response to the White House’s program of targeted assassinations focusing on American citizens. They probably had it coming anyway. As for the need for the Army’s upcoming uniform change, our forth in twelve years … absolutely necessary.

So I don’t want to hear any questions on any of that crap. Don’t ask me anything on Syria, either.

Now, I want to talk about something that’s incredibly important to Congress — I mean me.  The greatest threat to our nation’s freedom in the modern age.

I’m talking of course, about sexual assault.

The evil of the Third Reich doesn’t hold a candle to the looming threat of sexual harassment and sexual assault within our ranks. And I have decided to take decisive action on this issue. Effective immediately, all units deployed in support of Operation Enduring Freedom will begin submitting plans for withdrawal back to the United States. This war on terror must end, and it starts with the sexual assault front right here at home.

But what about terrorist proliferation and acquisition of WMDs you ask? Nope.

How about a nuclear North Korea led by an unstable dictator? Not a chance.

Maybe the global Islamic jihad against the U.S. and her allies? Think again.

I’ll say it again. Sexual assault.

This problem is the great conflict of our time. Saddam Hussein, Osama bin Laden, and Adolf Hitler were less of a threat to the freedom of the Western World.

Based on our studies, we’ve determined that almost all sexual incidents in the military go unreported. Therefore, these problems we’re seeing are just the tip of the iceberg. The truth is, our military can’t be trusted to police itself. Before we can return to being the elite, lethal fighting force we were in the late nineties, we must ensure that we have completely eliminated the sexual assault risk to females serving in predominately male, combat-focused career fields.

As such, the billions currently being spent in support of our deployed weapon systems, ammunition procurement, and vehicle fuel will be diverted to the new Sexual Assault Prevention Campaign. We will increase the budget and PowerPoint briefings by over 2000 percent in an effort to defeat this truly heinous enemy.

Military training will only resume once we’ve reduced the number of sexual assaults in the military to zero.

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