Navy Chief Indoctrination Culminates In Human Sacrifice

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WORLDWIDE – Doomsday prophecies were actualized in an unholy and gruesome ceremony as the United States Navy inducted its freshest batch of minions into the Chief’s Mess, sources confirmed Friday.

Awestruck commands worldwide stood paralyzed with fear as each Chief Petty Officer selectee for fiscal year 2013 opened his or her mysterious wooden box, consuming the souls of the countless sailors they had drained during their years of service. The lacquered boxes, affixed with each Selectee’s name and warfare designation, have been on their person since board results were announced six weeks ago.

“I always wondered what the deal with those boxes was,” shrugged Petty Officer Second Class Dan Patterson.

Typical of naval ceremonies, each Chief Petty Officer frocking ceremony commenced with close-order drill and “Anchors Aweigh.” Unbeknownst to wardroom and crew alike, the very order and nature of the ceremonies called upon Moloch [the pagan deity] and other foul, demonic specters, beckoning forth darkened skies, howling winds and a rain of unholy fire.



Command Master Chiefs lay prostrate before a communal coffee mug, uttering words of a long-forgotten tongue before offering the consecrated grounds to each Selectee. “Take this, all of you, and drink from it. For this is full-bodied, and way better than that shit on the mess decks.”

Each Selectee was then prompted to open their box, unleashing the tormented wails of over-managed and overworked sailors of commands-past. As the selectees absorbed each soul and their eyes grew with a ravenous thirst for power, witnesses proclaimed to have seen their waistbands expand threefold, transforming each selectee into a fearsome, khaki silhouette bereft of jawline and reasonable thought.

Ceremonies concluded with the customary human sacrifice of hurling an unassuming victim under a bus driven by the Command Master Chief. Although some commands elected to forego tradition and offered sacrifice by forcibly sodomizing their victims to death, all rituals were universal in the drowning of the victims’ screams for mercy by the shrill cry of the boatswain’s pipe and the words, “Chief Petty Officer, United States Navy, arriving.”

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Epic Blunder

Epic Blunder is a former deck seaman with an aversion towards open water. He enjoys coffee and bourbon, among other diuretics, and eats competitively.