THE PENTAGON – Many service members were scratching their heads Monday after receiving a cryptic new directive from the office of Gen. Martin Dempsey, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
Coincidentally, Dempsey’s teenage son Corey, currently grounded and without car keys after receiving a D in Poli Sci, visited his father’s office the same morning. According to sources, the rebellious youth took the opportunity of his father visiting the restroom to check his email on the general’s workstation.
Shortly afterward, all general officer-level commands received the directive, entitled “I SUCK WEENER [sic] SO HARD.” Officially, the issued guidance is known as DoD Directive 6969.LOL.
“I mean, we’ll go ahead and lean forward,” said Gen. Lloyd J. Austin, commander of U.S. Central Command. “But I’m finding it hard to interpret some of the Chief’s new guidance. How does ‘I AM A GAY HUMP ME IN THE HOMOBUTT LOLZ’ translate into meaningful policy shifts? I guess I’m just going to have to call his office and ask, but I don’t want to sound stupid.”
Lieutenant General Robert Caslen, Superintendant of West Point, has his own theory.
“Maybe it’s more of a Leader Development thing for us brass types,” he told reporters while searching Google for the definition of ‘lolfagatron.’ “Maybe it’s testing us to see how we interpret and implement this new policy. I mean, I went to West Point, so I get it. But you can see how a guy who went to a low-rate community college like Texas Tech might misconstrue something like ‘I LOVE DRINKING MY OWN PEE HAHAHA!!11!!’ and then the Chief will know that guy isn’t cut out for command.”
“This part in particular is hard for me to understand,” complained Maj. Dennis Carbone, aide-de-camp to General Mark A. Clark, commander of MARSOC. “What the hell does he mean when he just repeats ‘NUTSACK NUTSACK NUTSACK’ for almost half a page? Is that supposed to be emphasis on that one point? Or is it a copy-paste error? I don’t want to show my ass and ask the Pentagon, but I’m almost scared not to.”
“The last time we had a copy-paste error from the Chief, nobody had the balls to point it out, and now we’re letting women into combat units,” he added. “Nobody wants that horrible mistake to happen again.”
“I, for one, am happy to implement this new policy and have no problems with it,” insisted Command Sgt. Maj. Mantis Toboggan, the senior enlisted leader of Pacific Command. “How can you not ‘get’ the Chief’s new words of wisdom. Only a bad leader, improperly developed and mentored, fails to understand clear Commander’s Intent. Look at this part,” he said, pointing to a specific section:
‘EAT A BIG BAG OF DICKS DAD. LIKE YOU NEVER GOT DRUNK AND PASSED OUT AND MISSED YOUR MIDTERMS. YOU SUCK ASS. EAT ALL THE DICKS. EVERY ONE OF THEM. EAT A DICK EAT A DICK EAT A DICK EATADICKEATADICKEATADICKDICKDICKDICKDICKDICK. DICK. DICKDICK. THIS IS GENERAL MARTIN DICKSEY AND I AM A STUPID LOSER. I SUCK I SUCK A BALLS.’
“That right there is clear as daylight,” Toboggan said, before leaving to pass the guidance on to his soldiers.