WASHINGTON, DC – With the books closing on fiscal year 2013, Pentagon sources confirmed that Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel blew the remainder of the defense budget over the weekend on hundreds of orders of nachos and thousands of beers at Hard Rock Cafe.
As the Oct. 1 date loomed, Pentagon leaders were struggling to spend every penny alotted. Sources confirmed that Secretary of Defense Chuck “Good Times” Hagel stumbled in at that precise moment and shouted, “Whatever!”
Befuddled board members stared blankly as Hagel set out to rent the nearest Hard Rock Café for a “total fucking rager.” He then went on to assemble his wolf pack by running throughout the halls of the Pentagon clanking two empty bottles of Wild Turkey 101 together while screaming “Leeeeeroy Jenkins!”
Ever ready to answer the call, the Joint Chiefs of Staff, along with Tom Gordon – a humble comptroller whose sole duty was to ensure every single penny was spent – embarked on a party bus full of hookers and blow.
Upon arriving at the Hard Rock, the wolf pack placed five hundred orders of Hard Rock Nachos and three hundred orders of Twisted Mac, Chicken & Cheese before beginning their favorite drinking game, “Haze the Pussy.”
Haze the Pussy is a simple drinking game where a shot is taken any time a Serious Incident Report on hazing is briefed to the Secretary of Defense. Within twelve and a half minutes, the seasoned warfighters were utterly shitfaced.
“Why do all these waitresses have their shirts on?” grumbled an agitated Hagel. “I ain’t tippin’ shit until I see some titties.”
“Actually, sir, they work at the Hard Rock, so they’re not obliged to remove their clothes like the escorts you’ve also hired,” said Gordon, the only sober member of the group. “They’re even wearing the ‘Chuck-a-Palooza’ shirts you had made!”
Gordon gestured towards the server’s black t-shirt, emblazoned with a silkscreen print of a disoriented Hagel with a Cheshire cat grin giving two thumbs up on the front, and “Chuck-a-Palooza – Hard Rock Fuck Fest 2013” on the back.
Hagel sheepishly grinned and embraced the uncomfortable accountant. “I fucking love you, Ned.”
The evening unraveled into further debauchery and reckless spending, with Gen. Ray “Odious” Odierno reportedly exclaiming, “Let’s make it snow in this bitch. Carpe diem, motherfuckers!”
Gen. Martin “Keebler” Dempsey and Gen. James “Famous” Amos allegedly came to fisticuffs over the last set of PowerBall tickets within the greater Washington Metropolitan Area before each throwing out a hip and agreeing to a draw.
Secretary Hagel was last seen haggling with a crackhead over a replica Hammer of Thor – complete with certificate of authenticity – before forking over billions of squandered taxpayer dollars for it.