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Al Qaeda Protests ‘Unconstitutional’ Airline Gun Ban

WASHINGTON DC – The terrorist organization Al Qaeda may wish death to America, but that hasn’t stopped it from filing a class-action lawsuit over what it calls the government’s “unreasonable” and “unconstitutional” ban on carrying loaded firearms onto commercial aircraft.

Mikael Yisrael, of Shimon, Hillel & Yisrael, has confirmed that his law firm is representing Al Qaeda in a U.S. federal court in Washington, D.C., which Al Qaeda eventually hopes to crash a plane into should the ban be overturned.

“Show me the word ‘airplane’ in the Constitution,” Yisrael rhetorically asked reporters, before reading a prepared statement by Al Qaeda:

“We, the World Islamic Front for Combat Against the Jews and Crusaders, have dozens of sleeper agents in your country. Many have lived in America for decades. Some have been born there. They vote, they drive the speed limit, they pay their taxes on time. So why should they be prohibited from carrying an M4 carbine with a thirty round magazine onto one of your aircraft?”

He added, “Wake up, America! The only thing that will stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun, or some type of box cutter.”

While the actual individuals listed on the lawsuit have kept their names confidential, Duffel Blog has learned that one of them is Fort Hood shooter Nidal Hasan, who has filed his own separate lawsuit to recover his FN Five-seven pistol which he claims the government illegally confiscated after a minor workplace altercation.

Though terrorism experts are puzzled by Al Qaeda’s lawsuit, gun control experts such as John Lott have pointed out the group’s history of gun rights activism, such as its amicus curiae brief in McDonald v. Chicago that the Second Amendment should cover Stinger surface-to-air missiles for home defense.

The group has also supported legislation demanding the right to carry loaded firearms onto commuter trains and into federal buildings and nuclear power plants.

In a recent video discussing the lawsuit, Al Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri explained the rationale: “The fact of the matter is this: an armed society is a polite society. Just look at Somalia.” He was alluding to Somali-affiliate Al Shabbab, which is waging a similar gun rights campaign in Africa after pointing out that heavily-armed Somalia has far fewer shopping mall massacres than neighboring Kenya.

Zawahiri then added, “It is sheeple like your legislators who are preventing good God-fearing Americans from their lawful right to carry loaded weapons onto airplanes. As your infidel slave-owner Thomas Jefferson said, ‘The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and zionists.'”

Al Qaeda has also invited other like-minded organizations to join its “Defend the Second Amendment” lawsuit. However, groups like the National Rifle Association and the American Civil Liberties Union have been noncommittal and refused to comment for this article.

Despite this possible setback, Al Qaeda has vowed to also hold a series of ‘In-Your-Face’ rallies by armed supporters in the coming weeks on the National Mall in Washington, as well as in the cities of Nashville, Wheeling, and Oklahoma City to draw additional attention to the lawsuit.

“We want more Americans to realize that the real danger is not an Al Qaeda operative with a pistol in the cockpit of a 747, but an overzealous fascist government that wants to regulate things that the Founding Fathers clearly thought were every American’s birthright,” Yisrael said at the end of his remarks.

The case is currently listed as Jihad Does 1-19 v. United States.

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2 years 4 months ago

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Christopher Garner
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2 years 5 months ago

This was the perfect Duffel Blog article. Multi-layered, with subtle, and no-so-subtle, jokes and references. Great job on this one!

George Cassidy
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2 years 5 months ago

They may have a point here, have to check with my gun rights pals.

Scott Robinett
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2 years 5 months ago

…does Pulitzer have a satire category?

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2 years 5 months ago

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