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HOLLYWOOD — Viewers watching the first episode of “Enlisted” were blown away Friday evening with one of the most realistic portrayals of Army life ever to appear on television, sources confirmed today. 

“We have family in the military,” said producer and writer Kevin Biegel. “One of our writers was a lieutenant in the Navy too, so we’re pretty positive that he knows exactly what being in the military is like.”

Not to be swayed by the shockingly unfunny advertisements for the show interrupting what would otherwise be an enjoyable time watching Olympic curling, some intrepid couch potatoes chose to watch the first episode, only to be pleasantly surprised to find that “Enlisted” packs more punch than a Sebastian Junger documentary.

“‘Enlisted’ is a real breakthrough in civil-military relations,” said Capt. Joe Heller. “I was so pumped up that I put my fist through the television set in celebration.”

Instead of cheap slapstick humor and clumsy references to Army life forced into jokes that one might expect from a modern sitcom, “Enlisted” takes a bold step outside the norm by offering cheap slapstick and ham-fisted references to Army life forced into jokes interspersed with jarringly inappropriate seriousness intended to elicit an emotional response.

Here’s one example from an upcoming episode, according to the show’s media kit: 

Sgt. Pete demands that his younger brother Pvt. Rob salute him. Pvt. Rob complies with the order, poking himself in the eye with his thumb. While all are relishing a jolly chortle at his discomfit, the First Sergeant arrives saying that their PTSD-plagued Company Commander has just shot himself and his wife in an apparent double suicide. The irrepressible Pvt. Rob shrugs and murmurs “Awkwwaaaard.”

Scenes like this reinforce the impression that “Enlisted” is truly the magnum opus of our day, perfectly encapsulating what it means to serve in the armed forces. Other excellent examples of the show’s accuracy and quality at depicting typecasts include a gruff black first sergeant, an inexplicably attractive woman, and not a single mention of online training or mandatory SHARP classes.

“It was the most accurate depiction of the Army I’ve seen since deployment,” said former Specialist Scott Coleberg, who called in his endorsement from county jail. “It was so realistic, it re-triggered my PTSD!” 

“Their haircuts were spot on,” said Sergeant Major of the Army Raymond Chandler, who cameos as an incompetent but lovable parody of himself in the first season. “I didn’t see one soldier put his daggone hands in his pockets either.”

Sources confirmed that viewers were waiting on tenterhooks for the next few episodes, where Sgt. Bob runs down a schoolchild while driving drunk, the first sergeant catches gonorrhoea after banging the orderly clerk, and the entire platoon goes out for a night on the town, where in a zany twist they are collectively date-raped by a mob of sailors, promising material for seasons to come.