AL UDEID AIRBASE, Qatar – Returning from a well-deserved holiday break, members of Central Command’s Forward Headquarters were startled to discover more than 100 text messages left on their phone from what looked like an extremely drunk and depressed Iraq.
“Salaams” read the first dozen, repeated every few hours, inter-spaced with an occasional “You up?”
According to CENTCOM officials, the command has been doing its best to ignore Iraq over the past two years since the United States withdrew from the country in 2011, but every time around December they start getting an avalanche of drunken texts, sobbing late-night phone calls, and lonely e-mails.
EUCOM and NORTHCOM also told CENTCOM that they’ve seen adverts from Iraq on CraigsList as “Single Unoccupied Country seeks Rich Western Nation For Ten-Year Commitment. No Jews.”
At first CENTCOM tried reasoning with Iraq: “I said you could have the SOFA, but you didn’t want it! WTF am I going to do with an unwanted SOFA? Honestly! IMO you need help and no, I don’t mean AQI for fucksake.” Now they just ignore the texts, which grow more and more frequent each year.
“U got drones?” Iraq later texted, before the somewhat creepy, “AQIZ just broke out of our prisons AGAIN… lol. Want to come over and kill them? No strings ;)”
Later Iraq again made a plea for CENTCOM to pay at least some attention to them: “I’ve got Iran and Syria over right now #4some?”
However as the evening wore on, the texts got less friendly and more accusatory. At one point Iraq accused CENTCOM of talking to “that filthy whore Yemen: She doesn’t even let you put boots on her ground.”
Finally around 3am Iraq was so unbelievably plastered that it was openly propositioning CENTCOM with raunchy lines like “I want your DEVGRU inside me so bad” and sending naked pictures of itself chained to radiators and bed frames at Abu Ghraib prison, which CENTCOM admits it may have taken at one point “back when things were really freaky.”
The last text, coming right after Iraq’s routine threats of suicide bombers, just said, “I miss feeling so occupied.”
CENTCOM is debating blocking Iraq’s number, but is concerned that the negative attention is exactly what it wants.