KANEOHE BAY, HI — President Barack Obama returned to Washington today, after announcing that he and his family had a “wonderful experience” staying in a Marine barracks during their Christmas vacation in Hawaii.
According to White House spokesman Jay Carney, because of budget shortfalls the First Family was unable to afford their normal residence in nearby Kailua, and for security reasons had to settle for temporary quarters in a military barracks aboard Marine Corps Base Hawaii.
While base commander Col. Brian Annichiarico originally offered to put the Obamas up in his house, Carney said the president was insistent that he “live it up” with the troops and get “the real Marine experience.”
“I’m sure any of these barracks will do,” Obama said, as he and Annichiarico drove around the base. “Hey, how about that one? Mackie Hall … that looks fine,” he said ignoring the retching sound as Annichiarico turned pale and nearly threw up.
According to base officials, the building is named after John Mackie, the first Marine to be awarded the Medal of Honor in 1862, after also being the first Marine brave enough to spend a night in the barracks which now bears his name.
A lengthy search eventually located one room that hadn’t been condemned for asbestos or mold and had a working air conditioner, as well as four mattresses that weren’t being disinfected for body lice. The Obamas were able to move right in, as soon as the barracks manager sobered up enough to find their room keys.
The Obamas were then treated to the traditional barracks welcoming ceremony, consisting of a dozen drunk Lance Corporals and one bored Corporal throwing beer bottles at them from the catwalk and shouting “Boots!”
“This is really neat! I’ve never seen brown water come out of the tap and the shower before,” the president exclaimed while trying to use the shower. “Maybe it’s coming from that charmingly nicknamed ‘Shit Creek’ out back.”
Obama described the Marines as always attentive to their needs, stopping by at all hours of the day and night to check on them, banging on their door at 2 a.m., asking him if he was old enough to buy beer, or forcing the First Family to police call around the building for cigarette butts.
He also related several “enjoyable” family trips to the base chow hall, where a divorced gunnery sergeant would scream at them for walking around in flip-flops.
The president’s wife Michelle said that she had enjoyed playing some traditional barracks games, like throwing bottles of Crown Royal at the wall and seeing how many holes she could make. As of press time, the Sergeant Major reported he had recovered almost all the copies of the topless selfie she took with Second Platoon, Charlie Company at Pyramid Rock.
Mrs. Obama’s press secretary also confirmed that she left the vacation committed to attend the Marine Corps Ball with half of Kilo Company and two cooks who claimed to be Force Recon.
Lt. Col. Jason Marlowe, the battalion commander of the Marines who normally reside in the barracks, said the First Family’s presence couldn’t have been more welcome.
“Actually to tell the truth we were really grateful for all the Secret Service agents we had crawling around the place,” Marlowe admitted. “I think this was the first week I’ve ever seen without a window being smashed or the Duty NCO getting curb-stomped.”
Marlowe said that the First Family held a farewell event before leaving the island, to thank the Marines from India Company who spent a week field daying the barracks before they were kicked out on Christmas Eve and had to sleep in the nearby Boondocker field.
“We’ll see you again next year,” Obama shouted as he was leaving, “and maybe we can try some of those salt dogs that you’re always talking about.” He then called out the traditional infantry greeting of “Fuck you!”
The Obamas were joined at the event by Lance Corporal Andrew Jones, the Marine arbitrarily assigned to be their barracks roommate, who was extremely friendly and always followed the family around while awaiting his trial for dealing spice and statutory rape.
“Jesus fucking christ,” the company first sergeant was heard muttering.