In all journalistic endeavors, mistakes are sometimes made. We here are Duffel Blog would like to come clean and admit such a mistake. The Duffel Blog editorial board recently published an article entitled, “Sergeant Smith From Alpha Company is a Total Dick.”
This article contains numerous factual mistakes, slanted reporting, and a grossly inappropriate tone, and for that, we truly apologize.
Sgt. Smith, with the Ford F-150, in Alpha Company is a true patriot. He joined the United States Army right out of high school, despite the scholarship opportunities he had to various prestigious universities. He is all the more admirable because he enlisted, not out of self-interest, but out of a sincere desire to help his country in its time of need.
He is a strong, able, and moral soldier who exemplifies the Army Values. Seldom is a bad word ever spoken about the man, and his soldiers all agree that his leadership is the defining factor of their individual careers. He has thus served as a mentor and friend to hundreds of young men and women, touching each, and leaving an indelible mark. Smith’s peers all agree that there is no other person whom they would have watching their backs in a tough spot. Furthermore, they unilaterally suggest his name for higher leadership positions.
Smith’s wife confirms that his penis is “more than adequate” in both length and girth. Furthermore, she attests to his strength as a father, husband, and lover.
We would like to sincerely apologize to Sgt. Smith.
In light of this mistake, we would like to clarify. We were really talking about that complete fucking dirtbag Sgt. Jones from Charlie Company. Now, that fucking guy is a real joke. Yeah, you. I know you’re reading this Jones. You are the absolute worst thing that has happened to the Army since Vietnam. To be clear, I’m singling you out, Jones — the Jones at Fort Bragg, with the Silverado. Your social security number is [Redacted].
You barely passed your PT test before Warrior Leaders Course, but got through. Only then, you promptly threw a fit about your fucking shin splints and have been skating with a permanent profile ever since. While you walk two and a half miles, your soldiers run past your fat ass, laughing.
You are a fat, disgusting excuse for human being. This likely explains why you have been bouncing around platoons and sections before someone just shoved you into the armory. Everyone completely forgets you exist until you crawl out of your fucking hole, like the stupid ogre that you are, and stink up company ops.
You appear to be barely functioning, so, I’m just not sure your getting it, man. This .. is .. completely .. real .. and .. absolutely .. about .. you .. Jones.
Your continued behavior likely stems from your inability to perceive everyone’s hatred of you. If these social cues could ever penetrate your density, you would, undoubtedly change. In your case, ignorance truly is bliss.
I’m pretty sure you have hepatitis. Sgt. Smith can back me up on this.
Nobody likes you. Go die.