FORT DRUM — The horrific beating of a beloved Army officer this weekend has shocked the military community, causing some Pentagon officials to call for a review of policies that govern military participation in civilian promotional ceremonies.
Army 1st Lt. Chad Teste, an aviator who returned from Afghanistan last week, was treated to a pre-planned “Welcome Home” parade and free tickets to the Super Bowl after being selected to leave his soldiers behind and come home early.
The officer made headlines after appearing in a heartwarming beer commercial that had something to do with the military, garnering him national attention. It wasn’t the soldier’s first time in the spotlight however, as he had appeared on Jeopardy while still a cadet.
Tragically, only hours after being seen on the sidelines at the Super Bowl with his girlfriend and publicist Sherry Dowell, the outstanding young officer was found beaten and half-dead in a snowdrift, sodomized with a Bud Light bottle. Urine in the snow next to the man’s body spelled out the phrase “Thank you for your service. Dick.”
Teste was later taken to the hospital, where he is currently in stable condition.
Investigators believe the attack was a targeted beating perpetrated by military members, who were able to identify the thin, effeminate Teste as a member of the armed forces by his trademark fleece-lined aviator jacket which he wears to all functions in and out of uniform. The jacket, generally regarded as an object of derision by combat soldiers, was found ripped and defecated on a few yards away from the bloodied young veteran.
“It hasn’t been an easy process narrowing down our suspects,” said lead detective Harry Marston. “The amount of people who want this kid dead number literally in the thousands. I’ve never seen such rage before. I think the entire military hates this poor bastard. That Super Bowl commercial put a death sentence on the guy’s head.”
Still, at least some viewed the commercial in a positive light. Teste’s mother Desiree said that her little boy is a certified war hero, and told reporters how he would complain on his daily Skype sessions with home that he wasn’t getting enough recognition from his men.
“One night I could tell he’d had enough. I could see the tears in his eyes as he told me how his DFAC ran out of steak, and that he just wanted to come home. Then he said that he was going to hire Sherry to run a publicity campaign for him to get Super Bowl tickets and an early trip home. I told him that was the best idea I’ve ever heard.”
“I’m sure whoever attacked my baby was just jealous,” she added, pausing for a moment to dab her eyes before continuing.
Unfortunately for Mrs. Teste, only hours after the interview, military investigators decided to call off the investigation due to an ‘overwhelming suspect pool’ and inability to find a military attorney willing to prosecute the case.
At press time, Lt. Teste had woken from his medically-induced coma to post to his personal website that his attackers couldn’t have been in the military, since everyone in the Armed Forces loves him for bringing attention to the plight of veterans.