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Jerks Have Bigger Penises, DARPA Study Confirms

ARLINGTON, VA — In a landmark find which has garnered wild controversy and has implications for society in general in addition to the military, the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency, or DARPA, released a study Tuesday confirming the hypothesis that in human males, selfish, arrogant jerks have the biggest genitalia.

“It was a huge shock to all of us,” said a clearly still-flabbergasted Dr. Arlo Altoid, DARPA chief of operations. “We just greenlit the study, honestly, so that one particular researcher would shut up and quit asking us about it. But wouldn’t you know it, it’s turned out to be probably the most groundbreaking study we’ve conducted in the last ten years. So her hypothesis was right all along.”

“Well, now a ton of things make sense,” said Petty Officer Third Class Franklin Collins, Jr., currently underway on the USS Talladega in the Pacific, who was unhappy, but unsurprised, at the news. “I could never understand why my high school crush, Sarah-Jessie Certa, was always going out with such douchebags. They’d treat her like dirt, get drunk and date-rape her, post nude pictures of her online, make her buy them weed, even cheat on her … but she always insisted that deep ‘down, they were nice.'”

“Well I guess that is true in a way: deep down inside of her vagina, they were nicely endowed,” he added.

Senior Airman Taylor Bell, stationed at Pope Air Force Base, concurred.

“I mean, you listen to comedy channels on Sirius and all the comedians joke about how all the hot chicks never go for nice guys. And you know what they say: it’s funny because it’s true,” he said. “It’s certainly been the pattern in my life. Time and time again, the really hot, smart, funny girls end up with complete toolbags. Guys who are dumb as a bag of hammers, or utter assholes, or both. But this explains it.”

One crucial section in the “findings paper” issued by DARPA regarding the study addresses the issue of skill and vigor: “It is often suggested, and supported using anecdotal evidence, that it is ‘not the size of the boat but the motion of the ocean.’ According to the evidence, however, this commonly-accepted bit of folk wisdom is incorrect. As one of our researchers put it upon completing the review of her particular sample group, ‘The motion of the ocean can be as energetic and skillful as possible, but the result will simply not be the same with a rubber dingy as if the boat is the USS John C. Stennis. So I’d prefer the carriers. Even if Nimitz-class guys tend to be fixer-uppers.’”

Reached for comment, every woman in the world, ever, said, “Shit. Our secret is out.”

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David Novak
2 years 6 months ago

When asked on his wedding night who he was going to please with his 2 inch pecker the groom replied, “Myself bitch!”

Joseph Diamond
2 years 6 months ago

Gotta use this one:

“Is that an AK 47 in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?”


Lindsey Angelica
2 years 6 months ago

No, Joshua. I meant satire, in the traditional definition, for both the article itself and for my satirical comment below which was immediately hit with sexist idiots taking what I said literally.

Dave Herrington
2 years 6 months ago

I used to say “just because you’re a big dick, doesn’t mean you have a big dick” to a supervisor that was always telling us how big he was, guess I was wrong, my bad.


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