Warning: Possible spoilers to follow.
KABUL — A soldier deployed to Afghanistan with the 82nd Airborne Division has once again had his enjoyment of a well-loved show seriously damaged by terrible civilians posting plot spoilers on Facebook.
“That asshole Don Fletcher,” said Spc. Jonathon Guston, as he slammed the door of the internet cafe, striding sternly toward the smoke pit and pulling a comfort menthol out of his cargo pocket. “Is it too much to ask that you not post ‘RIP Andrea’ when I haven’t even made it halfway through last season? And what is this new shit about something called Terminus? Jesus, he’s going to ruin the whole series for me!”
“Do I call him up and tell him the ending to the new Avengers movie just because we got it on haji bootleg here a week before the US release date?” he added.
Puffing inconsolably on his cigarette, Guston pondered aloud that this same shit happened earlier in the deployment when another friend, Staff Sgt. Cam Clark, emailed him about the infamous “Red Wedding” episode of the hit HBO show “Game of Thrones” and mentioned a scene where Jon Snow gets sodomized and murdered by Rock People.
Gusto had not yet seen the episode and was not aware that Snow, his favorite character on the series, had been killed off.
“Come to think of it,” Gusto said angrily, “the exact same thing also happened with ‘Justified,’ when my wife accidentally told me how Season 2 ends, when we were sex-Skyping. I told her we should wait to roleplay ‘Boyd and Ava’ until I got home, but nooo, she just had to have her way.”
Sources close to Gusto claim that he has since sworn off Facebook to avoid future spoilers, but that he was unlikely to abstain for long, because his elderly parents will likely have their feelings hurt when he doesn’t Poke them back.