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US ‘Cautiously Optimistic’ After Mullah Omar Wins Afghan Election

KABUL, Afghanistan – U.S. officials are “cautiously optimistic” following the surprise victory in this week’s Afghan president election by Taliban leader Mullah Omar.

The surprise election result came after Ashraf Ghani, President Hamid Karzai‘s presumed heir-apparent, fell out of public favor when an open mic caught him making the outrageous claim that women were actually human beings.

Several other leading Pashtun candidates mysteriously died of cranial lead poisoning, including Abdullah Abdullah who was shot twice for good measure.

Karzai himself sent a congratulatory tweet to Omar from the helicopter that he and his cabinet had hijacked to flee across the Uzbekistani border: “L8r to my dancing boyz. Peace in the Middle East!”

Prior to the election there were fears in both Washington and Kabul that the Taliban would once again force Pashtuns in the south and east of the country to boycott the vote at gunpoint. Both governments were surprised when the Taliban did the exact opposite and declared that not voting would be punishable by death.

Throughout the day, panicked radio messages from American soldiers described mile-long caravans of Afghan trucks, cars, and motorbikes approaching various election stations, escorted by heavily-armed and even more heavily-bearded men waving Taliban flags.

One isolated U.S. outpost in the mountains above Asadabad radioed in its shock at seeing several hundred Taliban emerge just yards from their base, then watching them stack their arms and line up to vote.

An alarmed Hamid Karzai later went on national television with commissioner of elections Ahmad Nouristani  to trot out the time-honored Afghan proverb that the voting was less important than the counting of the votes. Shortly afterwards, a flustered Nouristani publicly revealed that none of his team knew how to count.

At a joint press conference at the White House, President Barack Obama and Secretary of State John Kerry described the U.S. as “cautiously optimistic” about Omar’s election.

“We’re really looking forward to working with President-elect Omar on fighting terrorism … eradicating drugs … advancing women’s rights,” Kerry said, monotonously reading from prepared remarks before throwing them to the floor and yelling, “Just fuck it! Fucking, fuck!”

“Well, I guess there’s no arguing that these were definitely the free and fair elections we’ve always wanted,” President Obama added, managing a half-hearted smile before breaking down and openly weeping at the podium.

The Pentagon has also released a statement, congratulating Omar and politely inquiring if he would supply his current ten-digit grid so they could send him a personal message of thanks.

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