Some Americans Believe Coast Guard Is Massive Wall To Keep Mexicans Out, Study Finds Shawn Robbins April 12, 2014 Coast Guard 26 Comments Follow Duffel Blog: SEATTLE, Wash. — A new report from researchers at the University of Washington has confirmed widely held assumptions that most people have no idea what the Coast Guard is, does, or that they even exist, Duffel Blog has learned. Surveying thousands of Americans over a four-year period, the 300-page report concluded that even though the Coast Guard has been around since 1790, one in four people did not know that the Coast Guard existed or was even a branch of the armed forces. Most interviews found people asking if the Coast Guard had a reality show about the wacky expeditions they perform or if they had a show about a rag-tag crew of lovable idiots that minimally do their job while making wisecracks toward the camera. The report also found that some people believed the Coast Guard was a giant wall to keep the Mexicans from swimming to America. “All through our study, we discovered that most people only knew there were four military branches and even then, many struggled to name them all,” said lead researcher Jim Grant, who noted that due to the zero advertising the Coast Guard does and the fact that there is only one film based on the efforts of the Coast Guard (2006’s The Guardian), he’s not surprised. “I mean, Ashton Kutcher? Is that the best you could do? The film was basically An Officer and a Gentleman but with Coasties.” Perhaps most surprising was the revelation that most people were unaware of who to call if they had an emergency in the middle of the ocean. “About 59 percent of people said they’d yell for help as loud as they could, 28 percent said they would write a help note in a bottle and toss it overboard, 10 percent would kill a seagull and feed off it for days until help arrived, and 3 percent said they would play Candy Crush until they died or whatever,” said Grant, noting that most people experiencing an ocean emergency would indeed be fucked. The research affirmed that all the problems concerning the Coast Guard — from budget issues to aging ships — are somewhat direct results of the public’s confusion as to why the Coast Guard exists at all. The study also demonstrated that even people with limited knowledge didn’t even think it had its own boot camp. “My son is in the Coast Guard and even I have no idea what he does,” said Grant, who highlighted the fact that most people in the Coast Guard don’t even let others know what they do. “I think the Coast Guard is just one big conspiracy to spend money on an experiment to see what happens when a bunch of government employees have nothing to do. It’s like Congress.” Grant went on to affirm that maybe if there was a video game about coasties killing zombies or had an online multiplayer system where young people could shoot each other and yell misogynistic and racist remarks at other players, then people would know what the service actually is. “Our investigation basically shows that unless the Coast Guard likes people not knowing what they do, this trend will surely continue,” Grant said. “Maybe the Coast Guard should come up with a slogan or something for people to remember. Like, ‘LETS GO GUARD SOME SHIT!’ or something.” Don't miss the next story.Get the latest news and alerts from Duffel Blog delivered to your inbox—free. Short URL: http://duffelblog.com/0xyBh Joshua Rose says: January 25, 2015 at 4:58 AM Have people forgotten that this site is for comedy? Chris Malinger says: January 6, 2015 at 11:43 AM I served over 4 years in the Coast Guard and most of those years were outside the continental United States. I later served in the US Army and found a vast difference between officers in the Coast Guard and US Army. Coast Guard officers are arrogant compared to most Army officers. Army officers share the same living conditions as the enlisted soldier and do not go to the “Captain Bligh School of Leadership.” Justin Keith Thomas says: December 17, 2014 at 7:29 AM I was thinking about joining the Department of Homeland Security, and I wanted to see if you guys could give some advice? Jesse Thrift says: August 25, 2014 at 10:14 PM I think there actually is a video game where a Coastie fights zombies… Want to say it’s called Cold Fear. And, uh, there’s like three different reality shows on the weather channel. And there’s gotta be at least, iunno, two other movies? Quin Ones Esmer Alda says: August 24, 2014 at 11:58 AM I actually never knew the CG was part of the military. Sorry guys. Jake Flores says: August 12, 2014 at 1:28 PM I love all the butt hurt hahaha it’s a joke people calm down. Jake Arnbrister says: July 2, 2014 at 6:28 PM well, we can’t all go to the other side of the world to do about the same shit. Bradley Lacey says: May 31, 2014 at 9:14 PM That guy they talk to the “lead researcher” is an idiot. Nadine Garstka Green says: April 16, 2014 at 11:39 AM http://wavy.com/2014/04/15/local-cg-crew-enables-major-caribbean-drug-bust/#.U051Cdav0Q4.facebook Jerri Orr says: April 16, 2014 at 3:39 AM You have got to be sitting me?! Let’s go guard some shit?! Col Steve S says: April 16, 2014 at 3:39 AM OMG, they are underway with their fenders down. Lubbers. Larry Fleisher says: April 16, 2014 at 3:39 AM do border guards work on the coast guard wall? did we use immigrant labor to build the coast guard or was this a guvmint jobs program? Dave Herrington says: April 16, 2014 at 3:39 AM They are a part of the military, can anyone other than a coastie or without Googling name the lone MoH recipient from the Coast Guard? Paul Cline says: April 16, 2014 at 3:39 AM Sh__, we all think we have more protection than we really do….that’s always the case…from NDPs to borders, notwithstanding the “puddle pirates”! Michael Kelley says: April 16, 2014 at 3:39 AM Actually, they get minimal advertisment in Clear and Present Danger (the film, in the book they get MAJOR advertisment) so yeah Jon Robinson says: April 16, 2014 at 3:39 AM What’s funny too is that we were in the news somewhat recently, when the USCGC Polar Star (WAGB-10) was sent down to rescue the boat that was trapped in the ice in Antarctica. Although I’m sure no one paid attention to that Dale Leighton says: April 16, 2014 at 3:39 AM In keeping with the articles theme I find it interesting that duffelblog.com has opted to catalog Coast Guard under the “More” header at the top of the page. It seems like it should shine out there with the other four armed services. Oh wait in the sea services they call them Sea-bags not duffel bags. Charles Singleman says: April 16, 2014 at 3:39 AM Doesn’t surprise me. Americans are basically stupid. Christian J Souder says: April 16, 2014 at 3:39 AM I have been in for some time now and realize that people overall are not smart. Saving people from themselves is about a quarter of what we actually do. Watch #MightyShipsBertholf episode… it will blow your mind! Joseph Diamond says: April 16, 2014 at 3:39 AM I know they are doing something! Proof#1…The stores outside two different USAF bases sold sweatshirts with Army, Navy, Air Force, COAST GUARD, Homeland Security, ICE & TSA on the same sweatshirt! Proof #2….Navigation marks out in the Bay don’t get painted and changed by the eEaster Bunny. Proof #3 Someone is stopping drug smugglers. There are no drugs in North America. They used the same skills that stopped booze from floating into seaports in the 1930s when liquor was prohibited. So back off. Joe Dale Leighton says: April 16, 2014 at 3:39 AM I’d expect this sort of headline finding from a University in one of the two states were Marijuana is legal. What are they smoking. The article failed to mention the 70’s Disney movie about the Coast Guard called the Boatniks Matthew Goldston says: April 16, 2014 at 3:39 AM I would be curious to see how many people are aware that the Coast Guard serves globally. The truth is the Coast Guard conducts drug interdictions, counter piracy, counter terrorism, search and rescue, and many other operations such as protecting the National Capital Region. Yes, since 911, the Coast Guard has been responsible for protecting DC airspace. Is anyone aware that the Coast Guard serves in the middle east as well? Are we so quick to forget Katrina? “Coast Guardsmen saved more than 33,500, including rescuing from peril 24,135 lives and evacuating 9,409 medical patients to safety (http://www.uscg.mil/history/katrina/katrinaindex.asp).” They have also been involved in every major War since 1790 including the highest percentage of casualties for a service during WWII. Medal of Honor recipient SM1 Douglas Munro gave his life saving a detachment of trapped Marines. He positioned himself between the trapped Marines and significant enemy fire allowing them to escape safely. He remained alive long enough to ask if they had made it. Perhaps people are also ignorant of the fact that many other Coast Guard heroes such as PO3 Nathan B. Bruckenthal have answered the ultimate call for their nation. As a nation, are we so quick to forget these heroes? All of this is proudly provided by a service that is smaller than the New York City police department. Josh Noble says: April 16, 2014 at 3:39 AM Wait, the CG is a branch of the military? I thought it was a yacht club for government workers. John Sehler says: April 16, 2014 at 3:39 AM If you have a tatoo of Popeye on your arm when you enlist in the Coasties they give you a extra rating. Brenton Adams says: April 16, 2014 at 3:39 AM Finally a USCG article… We gets no respect. Erich Maria de Villiers says: April 16, 2014 at 3:39 AM You forgot to mention that the U.S. Coast Guard has its very own Service Academy … somewhere. There one can major in subjects like Lighthouse Management, Knots (both kinds), Batter-Dipped Engineering, and Popeye Studies. They also have extracurricular activities like the all male Sea Shanty Glee Club and a pretty bad ass Division IV football team.