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NFL Promises Not To Exploit New Player’s Service With Army Rangers

PHILADELPHIA, Pa. — The NFL has announced plans to handle the Eagles’ signing of an Army Ranger in its usual, tasteful manner, as the league indicated it would not exploit his service in any way whatsoever, sources confirmed.

Telling reporters he was happy to learn the Eagles had signed former Army Capt. Alejandro Villanueva as a defensive end, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell said the league would probably only show him with a couple of Army friends during the first game of the season.

“We’ll be careful not to overdo it,” Goodell said. “Putting soldiers on TV will be a first for the NFL.”

Goodell mentioned there was a reason why you never see soldiers during football games.

“There are sports where they do everything they can to show soldiers watching the games,” Goodell told reporters. “They’ll have them on the field at every opportunity, show some random footage of a base in Afghanistan, and have soldiers in every ad. It’s supposed to be patriotic but it comes across as tacky and sad. The NFL just isn’t like that.”

The Eagles were excited to have Villanueva on their team and expected to receive almost as much good press as they did when they hired the guy who killed a bunch of dogs. And for television networks showing NFL games, the league has already sent out a letter with instructions on how to tastefully cover Villanueva’s military service.

“He’s a football player so play a few clips of him playing at West Point with maybe one picture of him in his uniform. But don’t have a video clip of him in uniform with soft piano music where he’s surrounded by flags, eagles, and other things,” the letter read.

“It’s important not to turn him into an idol. No matter what, do not use him as a stand-in for all members of the military and don’t call him a selfless hero every five seconds. Do not use him as a cheap way to garner publicity and goodwill. The NFL does not use individual service members as a way to whore out the men and women who defend our country.”

“But make sure you thank him for his service,” the letter read in closing.

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Troy Barnhill
I remember when the nfl had sgt gunta standing in the end zone in his class As and eating his MOH and I was proud of him and pusses at the nfl at the same time , I used to be a big football fan but now the players are only about money and could care less about fan loyalty because they have non themselves , the nfl doesn’t even pay taxes (look it up) and makes BILLLIONS . But I guess since they show united way commercials and military members in uniform they believe they should receive a pass… Read more »
Mitch Brummel

I don’t have anything else to say other than I like this article, and Mr. Téil Kim’s post should not be the highest ranked.

Troy Barnhill

Fûcking awesome ! Lololol

Douglas Nelson Stevenson

I will never forget the day I became a full-fledged Ranger and reported for duty with the New
Orleans Saints. It was a glorious day even if a bit rainy later that afternoon with storm clouds to the Southwest, humidity at 60% and temperatures expected to stay between 80-85 degrees until late evening.

Ope Sokan

Do you guys realize that this is satire?


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